My flight is tomorrow. Leading up to going, I have tried to prepare everything in advance as much as possible but so many things have blocked my way, paperwork and money and repairs and scams and people not doing their jobs so I have to chase them and this thing won’t fit because it was made wrong – life gets in life’s way. It has been good, in a way, to have so many things to fuss over, so I can panic about that instead of holy shit I am really leaving, but it’s been taking time away from my sister and nephew who I really should be with every possible second because holy shit I am really leaving.
Today she drove me to Round Top Drive, which might be the highest point you can drive to on island, where all the rich people houses are, and these breathtaking views over the whole island. It’s hard to understand how tiny this island is when you’re living on it, so busy and noisy, little ants all scrabbling around against each other fighting and laughing and eating and building and honking down at the bottom, so when you get up top and look down and you can really actually see half the fucking island just from where you stand, it’s a little humbling and I hate saying shit like that. The whole drive was just beautiful. I love driving with my sister. It’s been one of those things we’ve done together since she got her license.
It’s hard to say much about going. I have a hard time sharing feelings in person and often doing so over a keyboard makes things come out that I’m less proud of later. I have a small family. We got smaller this year. I’m not sure what going will accomplish, maybe nothing. I need to know some things and Hawaii can’t teach me any more. It taught me a lot and I’ll probably talk about all that later. Right now I just care about how much I’m going to miss my sister, my brother, and that delicious little kid of theirs. As small as my family is right now, I’m determined that distance won’t make it any smaller. It didn’t do it for my dad, who doesn’t feel any less like my dad from Cleveland as he did when he was just a room away, and it won’t change a thing for me either.
I will say that it’s not easy. It hasn’t been since the day I made up my mind to go, it hasn’t been every time someone told me this was the brave thing to do, and it isn’t easy right now in the room that my mom spent most of her last days, in my sister’s house, wishing I knew a better way to change.
Here’s to long drives, new beginnings, and keeping your loved ones close, any way you can.
❝ — Não estou bêbado. ” como um ponteiro de relógio quebrado, o homem balançava os dedos de suas palmas em sinal de negação, negando com convicção o que estava mais que claro
— ele estava sim bêbado, o aroma que escapava de sua garganta enquanto falava era uma prova nua e crua, além de sua voz embolada e de espécime mais agressiva.
❝ — Quem diabos fica bêbado com vinho além de mães solteiras e divorciadas enquanto leem Nicholas Sparks após o jantar? ” assim dito ergueu sua taça e bebericou mais um tanto do líquido arroxeado de seu interior arredondado, com gosto.
❝ — Isso é tão puro quanto chá verde… ”