REMEMBER THIS ASSHOLE? THE GUY WHO WOULDN’T STOP HARASSING ME AT THE BOOKSTORE?
WELL, HE JUST MESSAGED ME AGAIN. I SHIT YOU NOT HE SENT ME A LIST OF TEN BULLET POINTS DETAILING REASONS I SHOULD RECONSIDER MY REFUSAL TO GO OUT WITH HIM AND LET ME TELL YOU IT IS COMEDY GOLD.
(I literally copy and pasted this from my Facebook inbox. I’ve taken the liberty of putting the truly fucktastic assholery in bold because I honestly cannot believe that people like this exist.)
Guy from the Bookstore Who Won’t Leave Me Alone:
1. This will be my final attempt at this and I don’t mean to be a pestering ass and I certainly don’t intend to be the guy going into full on creeper mode, but for what it’s worth I honestly find you interesting as a person.
2. You don’t know whether or not you have any desire to have coffee, wine, etc, with yours truly. After all, you don’t know the person who is typing this exactly. I understand and can empathize with this 100%. When I was working at my old job I too, believe it or not, wanted jack to do with the employees there and I had my “work persona” equipped with the bullshit smiling mask intow [sic]. Many of them were uneducated and very, vuh-hery ghetto. Not my crowd.
3. I do not work at Barnes and Nobles nor by any means am I attached to the store nor a part of your work environment and/or worklife.
4. Barnes is a weird, strange public setting which brings out the confined, restricted, “closed-in” demeanor within me. The majority of customers there are strange elderly types, awkward as hell students, and people who generally stare around the room bug-eyed at everyone if you so much as glance in their general direction…
5. I am a dastardly, confident, moral, charming, compassionate rogue bastard when I am not in such repressed, dreary settings as the [location redacted] bookstore. I am employed by a world-renowned clairvoyant who was invited to Cambridge to perform tests with physics who used to teach at both [university locations redacted]. He has a band with several members who used to work with John Lennon. I have been an intern for him and have worked under his mentorship for the past four years. I was in the military and served with a Special Forces Squadron. I am not some guttersnipe knave from the asshole of [location redacted] who just randomly stumbles into a bookstore and hovers there all day.
6. I click, get along with, associate, mingle with, and get along with those who are artistic, educated people with good heads on their shoulders who are smart, intellectual, and moral people who are compassionate about who they are and what they do.
7. If it is truly your wish for me to stop typing these, then here you have the final time. I will disturb you no more, but don’t turn a person down when you don’t even know him or even know any information about him.
8. I truly apologize for any discomfort I may have caused, but for what it’s worth, I honestly can’t help the fear element. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and severe anxiety from the military. I cannot help this.
9. I never said date, sleep with me, or any other etc. I merely said coffee. This can be substituted for hanging out, wine, etc. I do better with a single person in front of me than I do many people. It’s a subject of sensitivity. I am more loose and less anxious around calmer, less hectic settings.
OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Basically now I can’t decide whether to ignore this or give into the temptation to address every single one of the points individually because HOLY SHIT WHAT A GINORMOUS DICKHEAD.
Don’t be this guy. Never be this guy.