oh-life

I guess it’s about time to give a life update instead of just, I ran, I worked out, I biked and the same picture to go along with it.  Ha.  Let’s do this bullet points style, shall we?

  • I’ve deleted all the dating apps off my phone.  It just gets so exhausting.  Has anyone else reached this point?  I just need a break from swiping and conversation that goes nowhere.  I’m going to use that previously wasted time and reinvest in something positive - like myself.  More time for me!  If it happens organically, that’s awesome…but I just can’t do the apps anymore.
  • I had my allergy shot today and there is a lovely red area around the area and it’s hot and raised.  Yay Benadryl.  Do your thang.
  • I’ve been enjoying having a certain team member on vacation the past few days.  Unfortunately, he comes back tomorrow and with him, the drama.  But I will relish in the last few days of peace while I can.
  • I’ve been slacking on my volunteer duties with the youth group.  I just haven’t been feeling great in the mornings and some weeks I’ve had to bail on church and youth group.  It makes me feel like a terrible person and I’m letting people down but grace is there for a reason.
  • I had friends from Richmond come visit this weekend and it was absolutely amazing.  I missed them so much and I got to have one on one time with each of them and celebrate exciting news in one of their lives and pray for the other.  It was such a joy-filled weekend and I am so thankful for their friendships, the laughter and all the memories we share and made this weekend.
  • Remember a few months ago…well, actually almost a year ago…last October when a friend (and then it turned into a friend group) and I had a falling out because of some very terrible and mean things she said to me?  (They’re happy people and they like being around happy people and that’s why they don’t include me in things.  Said to someone who was in a depression.)   When I tried to talk to her about what she said, she said I’m drama because I continue to bring stuff up…but that’s what I call having an adult conversation: being able to say this happened and it hurt my feelings because…  Well, that person has popped back up recently and started acting like everything is fine and we’re friends and nothing happened.  I just don’t get it.  If that’s what you truly think about me, why do you want me around?  Why do you want to try to be friends with me?  It took me a very long time to figure out that this person, and that group, was never really truly my friend.  Because a true friend doesn’t act that way.  And I just don’t think I could go back to being friends with her again because it comes  down to vulnerability and I need to be able to trust you and be vulnerable with you in order to call you a friend.  Otherwise, you’re just an acquaintance.
  • I think that’s about it for now.  Either I can’t think of anything or the Benadryl is kicking in (see allergy shot note above) and things are foggy.  So, with that I wish you all a good evening and a happy and productive start to your week!  How are you putting a positive step forward this week?
2

Took a mental health day, didn’t really do much to look after myself. Well no, I have had a good sleep and built s house on the sims, I’m gonna furnish it later. I’m going to the gym tonight as well (#ARMSDAY) but today’s food has been a babybel, three mini pancakes, a mug cake and some scrambled eggs. So I’m forcing myself to make a really nice tea.

Do you ever just get reminded of something really embarrassing and then you’re like: “NO MEMORIES NO DON’T MAKE ME REMEMBER” Then you’re like “oh shit I’m remembering…I’m reliving…”

And then you try to block it out…and it’s too late..

because this happens to me more times then I would ever want.

Something has been bothering me for months now. I feel like if I don’t type it out, I might not hold myself accountable in the months ahead. I have let people try to impose their life’s rules on to my life and it’s been fiercely wearing me down. Those little things, like an hour long lecture on why one way of eating is better, unsolicited advice, being forced or coerced into actions I didn’t want to take, being shamed for not meeting someone else’s standards, being used as a measuring stick so that someone feels better about their life or what not…it’s piling up and coming from too many directions.

I’m at that point where I can’t understand why someone would assume their way of life is worthy enough to force on other people. There are so many people on this planet–and a way of living to suit them all. I’m going to put forth an effort to gently remind people who force their views that it’s not their choice, or even concern, but I am at a snapping point. I’d prefer talking to the Jehovah’s Witnesses every day (no offense intended, we talk to them every week–they are nice people, we just have different views and they are on a mission to save…) than deal with all the pushiness, even if well-intended.

Hey y'all. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me but life has been busy, allergies have been insane and work has been crazy. Last night was the first time in….awhile…that I’ve been able to go to the gym. I just walked and bikes and nothing crazy fast as I wasn’t feeling super great but glad to move nonetheless.

My Dad FaceTimed me the other day and asked what I was doing and I told him he was looking at it. I.e. Relaxing on the couch. And he said, you’re not going to be ready for your race like that, get off your ass! Which pretty much pissed me off. Mainly because I didn’t ask for his advice or to keep me accountable. Plus, my mom is doing the race with me (a 5k) and she can’t run because of arthritis in her knee. So we will be walking it together so I need to work on walking faster but his comment just annoyed me. However he does have a point. I need to train in general and be heathy.

What a crappy week-end.
Friday night, when I was finally asleep - After taking two Xanax- I was being awaken by a fire alarm and a banging on my door. There was a fire in my building and I needed to go. I just had time to put shoes on my feet and take my phone that I was led in the smoky stairs. It was 2 AM and I stayed in the cold (and without my glasses) for a hour before I was taken by the paramedics and rapidly in the ER. Yeah oxygen.
I was discharged at 6, walking in PJs in the town and finally home. Which was ok. It was “just” the political center under my flat that had been attacked. So yey to political season.
I fall into sleep easily this time, to be awaken by my phone. My dad who was supposed to be visiting me this week end heard the news on the radio, that there were three people sent to the hospital, one of them being a 22 woman. Oops. He still came. I had a handball game, played a little before having a little asthma, and back home at night I needed to go to the police to give a statement. Bla-bla-bla.
So tired from everything. And I still have a psychology exam on Wednesday.

As A Psychology Major, I Have Two Sides of Myself

There’s the one that grew while taking Psychology classes, following the methods of how to properly deal with problems for a successful relationship between people. It’s calmer, soother, and scientifically proven to be the best method for both parties. 

Then there’s the batshit-crazy bitch that goes “F the textbooks” and scream my lungs out if people are rude-ass or I’m so done with their shit. 

  • Friend: We need to hook you up with someone.
  • Me: Please do.
  • Friend: ok, My boyfriend has single friends?
  • Me: Your boyfriend is a car enthusiast truck driver, I'm not sure any of his friends are looking for a butch queer nerd.
  • Friend: ... fair point I guess... well, we could start by actually sitting someplace other than the furthest corner of the bar.
  • Me: uhhhmmm ew I don't want to meet THESE people.
  • Friend: ... get a hobby??
  • Me: That would require human contact. I work with assholes, I don't need to weed through another bunch.
  • Friend: ... Have you... tried tinder??
  • Me: Yeah but it made me anxious, I barely chat with any of my friends, let alone strangers.
  • Friend: ok let's not hook you up with anyone.
  • Me: Sorry.

Start na ng placement ko bukas. Tapos start na din po ng winter. Eh sabi bawal daw maglongsleeve under ng placement shirt. So, paano na po ako? Hahahaha.

Mas iniisip ko pa talaga yung weather kesa dun sa placement. Hahahahaha. Pero feeling ko talaga hindi ko kakayanin yung lamig eh. Goodluck na lang talaga saken.