oh-how-I-love-to-depress-myself-with-this-kind-of-thing

4

She never missed sending me flowers on my birthday. And she was in the hospital that week and everybody was expecting her to be released. I got up the next morning and I turned on the morning news and there it was. She died on my birthday. And that afternoon … her flowers arrived for me.Carol Burnett

The flowers came with a note that read “Happy Birthday, Kid. Love, Lucy.”

how are you doing?
I haven’t seen you in weeks
are you moved on already?
your friends tell me you probably are
but I can’t know for sure

when I was thinking about what was best for us
I told you we should stop talking
you were drunk
but you agreed
you said “if I text you, just don’t respond”
you must have known you would
because then you did
and oh it was so hard to ignore you
I wanted nothing in the world more than to talk to you
you made it so hard
harder for you and harder for me
why did you do that?
I almost responded so many times
but I knew you would just pull me in
and id never be able to let go again

I feel all these things, but I couldn’t bring myself to be emotionally attracted to you
at least not like you were to me
but if I feel all these things
does that mean I actually do have feelings then?
I hope not
because I need to stop thinking about you

how will I know when I’m over you?
will it be when I stop trying to remember what your smile looked like through my drunken haze from that night?
or when I stop checking your Twitter page to see how you’re doing and to find even a tiny snippet of what you’re thinking about?
or when I stop being completely confused about I feel about you?
or when I stop wondering if you still think about me and how often?
or maybe it’ll just take time and that’s all I can do - just wait

but I still can’t help but wonder about a few things
why did you even like me to begin with?
I remember all the compliments you gave me
so do you still think I’m cute and pretty and funny and nice?
do you still like the way my eyes crinkle up at the corners when I smile?
do you still think the last guy I almost dated made a huge mistake by letting me get away?
do you still think you’d be completely content to just sit back and watch me talk for a while?

or has the glass shattered and you finally realized how much of a mess I am
how worried and anxious and sad and annoying I always am
how awkward and not smart I am

do you regret liking me?
do you just look back now, laughing to yourself and thinking “what could I possibly have ever seen in her?”
I think you probably do
and that’s okay
I would too