hi i spent my entire afternoon browsing through your au prompts and saving pretty much all of them for future reference. i thought it was only fair i gave something back as a thank you, so i wrote some lists. i hope they’re helpful! i’ll write them all in here but feel free to make separate posts for them or let me know and i’ll write them separately
EXPECTANT PARENTS AUS
“i’m due in two weeks and we don’t have a single diaper i know it’s 3am but i need to get everything we need because no, we can’t keep a baby in the dog bed”
“hi i know you’re across the world in a business trip but our surrogate went into labor a week early so long story short you’re coming home to a baby i can’t do this alone get your ass in a plane”
“we’re at the er in the middle of the night wearing pajamas and scared as hell because our baby hasn’t moved in days oh the baby is just asleep? okay sorry broke your pen i’m just a really worried parent to be”
“i know it’s a weird craving but i want pickles ice cream i don’t care where you find it just GET IT also put bananas on it and chocolate chips”
“yes it is too early to install a car seat i’m only ten weeks pregnant”
“i’ve read seventeen books about pregnancy and i’m constantly worried about every single thing every book warned about but also trying to remain calm”
“i used to drink five cups of coffee before i got pregnant and now i’m going through withdrawal and i’ll slice your head in three if you give me that decaf crap again this is all your fault”
“hey honey you’re home i spent the last eight hours watching birth videos and i know i’m eight months pregnant but i changed my mind i’m not doing that birth thing no way”
PARENTS WITH NEWBORNS AUS
“i know you hate my mom but i touched our newborn’s soft spot and it freaked me out so she’s moving in until the kid can walk and talk get used to it”
“i had no idea something so tiny could poop so much and oh shit, you have poop on your cheek and jesus christ how did it end up on my knee”
“you need to stop holding your child like it’s a time bomb whAT ARE YOU DOING SUPPORT THE NECK YOU DIMWIT”
“we went a overboard on the newborn clothes but our child was born too big for them and now we have nothing that fits them”
“we’re so sleep deprived we bathed, changed and fed our child’s teddy bear while it slept soundly for the first time in almost a month”
“our pediatritian fired us after calling them at 2am claiming our child had measles when it was just a diaper rash”
“you saw me napping with our newborn in my arms and started yelling about safety and how i could crash them in my sleep now the baby is crying and i’m crying and we both feel like terrible parents/partners”
“i caught you staring at our baby’s crib like they’re the love of your like and making sure they slept soundly now we’re both cuddling on the floor beside the crib looking at the beautiful little thing we made”
“we both have hundreds of videos of our newborn making accidental spit bubbles and no one cares but we’ll show it to literally everyone”
“i know they’re only ten days old but we need to look into good preschools already i’m serious”
“i left you alone with the baby for four hours and you dressed them in formal wear while you wear only a tshirt and underwear what HAPPENED here”
“you’re a really unpopular senator and i’m a journalist determined to make your life hell but fuck you’re cute when you stutter and did i said that out loud?”
“you’re the only barista at the coffee shop near my office that is working at 6am so you get to hear my undercaffeinated ranting about how much politics suck and oh shit sorry yes i am your governor i should not have said that”
“i’m the new governor’s bodyguard and holy shit no one told me they’re smoking hot”
“i’m the first openly gay president and all the republicans are Losing It including my parents-in-law which are the ones making this even more awkward by going on tv saying i corrupted their daughter/son”
“i’m a secret service agent having an illicit affair with the president of the united states i deserve another shot even if i’m saying these things to the entire bar”
“we’re both running for the same government position and things become so heated between us during debates people are starting to bet on when we’re gonna bang”
“we’re old buddies from law school and i helped you with your campaign and we fell in love but you’re married and about to become president wtf we do”
the good wife au
“i think it’s really cute you come to the bookstore to work on your campaigning but shouldn’t you have a staff for that oh yes i can help”
Toumyu Mihotose 4/23 Live Viewing Report and Stage Summary
Hello! I watched the new Toumyu, Mihotose no Komoriuta, once live and once at the live viewing, and now I have a nice(?) report about it to share with you!
-ALL the spoilers -Very tl;dr, it’s almost 6k long lmao -Written very unseriously and in Asuka-language -Tsuntsun for Kuri-chan -Many editorializing comments -I was writing this while watching the LV and I forgot some parts -Ishikari (Ishikirimaru/Nikkari) contents www -Otokomichi is JUSTICE
-Nikkari Aoe = Araki = Nikkaraki, etc - “Nikkari is the best sword” directly translates to “there was a fight scene and Nikkari was really cool in it.” But also he’s the best sword -Ookurikara = Kuri, Kara, etc. -Sengo Muramasa = Sengo, Senbon, etc. -Kebiishi = KBC = a big bad guy -bug = Matsudaira (Tokugawa) Nobuyasu, Ieyasu’s son -Links to historical figures’ Wiki pages tossed in where relevant but I’m no expert on Sengoku Period/Tokugawa family history myself, so, yeah.
Last night I went to Walmart and as soon as this photo was taken a huge group of people came by and all stared at me until I aggressively shoved this rainbow poop bank back onto the shelf; needless to say it was not a productive night
@vicesplusvirtues i didn’t like explain it we were just talking about victoria secret and the panties with the holes in the back and she was like “oh so you can poop” and i made a gesture of u know what i mean and she was like “WHAAAT”
Jimmy Fallon—The Tonight Show host and father to Winnie, 22 months, and Frances, 5 months—is showing new dads how to own baby’s first word.
Q: Your Baby’s First Word Will Be Dada book comes out June 9th. Why write a children’s book? I loved reading to Winnie, and at the time I came up with the book it was important to me that her first word be “Dada.” I went as far as to try to trick her into saying “Dada” by calling everything “Dada” from her bottle to diapers to strawberries.
Q: Was your wife Nancy equally competitive in getting Winnie to say “Mama?” It was definitely a one-sided competition. I just thought it would be a cute story when people asked, “What was the baby’s first word?” I wanted to say, “It was ‘Dada’. She loves her Dada.” And everyone would go “aww.” But sadly, “Mama” was her first word. That’s why I invented this book, so hopefully other dads can trick their kids.
Q: To borrow from your Tonight Show character Sara, what about newborns makes you go “ew?” They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much.
Q: What’s the wildest thing about being a parent? That people think they can talk to you about poop. “Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?” Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.
Q: You and your wife are BFFs with Drew Barrymore, and she also has daughters. Do you compare notes? All the time. Since hers are a little older, we ask: “What are you doing with your girls? Flash cards? Oh, did we miss out on that? What are flash cards?” Or “Do I really need the baby to speak Mandarin?” If she starts speaking Mandarin then I’ve got to get myself a tutor just so I can understand my own baby.
Q: From first-time dad to now, what parenting skill have you improved on the most? As simple as it sounds, just holding a baby. When we first had Winnie I would squeeze her really tight and close to me like I was holding a football running for a touchdown.
Q: What’s the last thing one of your girls did that made you laugh? I play this song on the guitar that I made up that goes: “I’m dancin’, I’m dancin’, I’m dance-dance-dance-dance-dancin’” and Winnie just spins around in a circle until she gets dizzy and almost falls, which is funny, but it’s also becoming dangerous.
Q: If you were going to write a thank you note to your daughters, like you do on your show, what would it say? Thank you Winnie and Franny for making me believe that I could make my own baby food. Hope you like your beet and Swiss chard pudding. It’s made with love.
Q: Did you think you’d be the type of dad who’d be sharing your kids’ pictures or did you vow you’d never be that guy? I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.
Q: What are you looking forward to sharing most with your girls? I want to teach them everything I’ve ever learned. I’m going to teach them what a vinyl record is, and I can’t wait for them to eat their first meatballs. I look forward to vacations and family time. I’m going to be that nerdy dad, like, “Okay kids, let’s back up the RV, and here we go!” They’ll be like, “Dad, leave us alone. You’re such a nerd.
Q: Which Tonight Show guest would you trust most to babysit your girls? Probably Will Ferrell. He’s a good dad with great kids and he’d be a super-fun babysitter.
Q: What’s challenging about dadhood that you didn’t think would be? Putting together all of the gear. I broke a sweat assembling some Swiss egg-shaped high chair for Winnie that looked like a piece of art.
Q: What do you think all moms should know about the father-daughter bond? Moms should know that even the manliest guys will become softies when they have daughters. Dads immediately fall in love with their little girls, and will let them get away with everything. So moms are going to have to be the disciplinarians when it comes to daughters.
Q: Do your girls wear hand-me-down clothes? Oh, yeah, I have all of my nieces and nephews’ clothes. And all the gifts we get from celebrities we’re giving to different charities like Baby Buggy and Toys for Tots. So it’s kind of hilarious because we’re giving away things like Hermès booties. So not only is your baby going to be dressed, but she’s going to be dressed like a Kardashian!
Jimmy Fallon on Fatherhood and His New Children’s Book, Parents Blog Interview May 1, 2015