“beauty and the beast” where beauty’s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast’s castle herself
and she’s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it’s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that’s sometimes alive
and she thinks, i can work with this
and the beast comes out and he’s like don’t look at me i am a hideous monster and beauty’s like dude you’re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you’re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride
and he’s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we’ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook
and the beast is confused because isn’t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he’s like uh aren’t you going to try to run away
and beauty’s all are you kidding this is a magic castle i’m going to live here forever
so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they’re all amazed that she’s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN’T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she’s like nahhh he’s basically just a big cat he’s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i’m not looking
and she explains how it’s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn’t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that’s his hobby y'know i’m not gonna discourage that man
and then one day while beauty’s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he’s like hey so this is awkward but are you like………………………………..in love with me……?????????
and beauty’s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you’re…sort of a tiger
and the beast is like thank goodness because if you were i’d have to turn back into a human and i've kind of gotten used to being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason like why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man and then beauty laughs and she’s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear
and they end up getting married in the end just because it’s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he’s not actually a man, and that’s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers
and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don’t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is literally a tiger, loves them and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted
and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again
Idk why people always portray Alfred as such a righteous and selfless guy like guys I need a fic where he is willing to sell out his friends just because someone gave him a shit load of money. I NEED A FIC WHERE AT FIRST HE SEEM LIKE SUCH A GOOD GUY BUT THEM THIS HANDSOME BUT VERY BAD PERSON COMES UP AND SEDUCES HIM and not with his good looks but WITH MONEY
on the note of college campus fearless squirrels, @piyo-13 and i were discussing college aus ft. squirrels when i said “‘there are three squirrels in your lap eating bread crumbs from your hand and i’m going to call you snow white from now on’ au”
and then we decided to make it victuuri and i liked it so i’m writing it down to save it, haha
yuuri is snow white. he’s sitting under a tree in the field in the middle of campus to have his lunch, earbuds in and music loud enough to ignore the world, but hey, the squirrels running around are cute. he tears a piece of the crust from his sandwich and holds it out to the one that keeps staring at him. there’s an inquisitive nose-twitch. he stays still, smiles encouragingly, and keeps holding out his hand.
soon enough the squirrel is eating out of his palm. and then another one wants some, and then a third, and–well, it looks like he’s going to run out of sandwich, but on the plus side, he’s made some “friends”, and he can’t stop laughing to himself as they run across his lap
and viktor, sitting nearby, is charmed.
(partly because this beautiful boy is not only beautiful, but also he’s fearless enough to let the Squirrels From Hell get that close to him? holy shit? and his laugh is so beautiful and that smile is fit of a disney prince, and the Squirrels From Hell and oh shit he’s so screwed–)
now, viktor walks makkachin on campus a lot, and what he doesn’t know is that his beautiful snow white has already noticed him. in fact, snow white thinks he is intimidatingly handsome and hasn’t quite worked up the courage to tell him, but admires from afar and also secretly really longs to pet makkachin and tell her she is beautiful.
so one day viktor happens to go back to the field with makkachin and sits down, lets makkachin off her leash to roam around nearby, and settles in to read this one novel for his literature class. half an hour later he notices makkachin is no longer romping around or rolling in the grass next to him and panics, jumping up to go look for her, only to find that snow white has charmed his dog just as surely as he charmed the squirrels. makkachin is lying with her head on snow white’s thigh, and he has forsaken the statistics homework on his laptop to coo over her and scratch behind her ears and tell her how lovely she is.
(”chris,” viktor asks later that day, when he gets back to his apartment. “is it bad that i was a little jealous of my own dog earlier?”)
(“only slightly,” chris answers, patting his shoulder. “there, there.”)
“oh no, i’m so sorry,” he starts to say. “makkachin, leave the nice boy to do his work–”
“NO!” snow white yelps, then immediately claps a hand over his mouth. makkachin sits up and looks at him, confused, but doesn’t leave yet. “i mean–sorry–i just–she’s not bothering me at all, it’s fine!! i’d love for her to stay i would literally throw myself in front of a bus for your dog i love her so much–oh my god i sound so weird i’m so sorry–i mean–wait what was her name again?”
oh no, viktor thinks, sitting down hard in the grass right then and there. oh no, he’s even more adorable up close. oh no, i’m s c r e w e d.
and this is how viktor finds out (after some fumbling attempts at halting conversation) that snow white’s real name is yuuri, that he’s a statistics and business major, and that he loves dogs. yuuri finds out a good deal more about viktor, including that he’s a little bit scared of the campus’s terrifyingly fearless squirrels, that his favorite thing at starbucks is a caffé mocha with an extra shot of espresso, that his little cousin yuri is such a cat person that it’s a crime against humanity, and that he loves to ice skate.
(”phichit,” yuuri says, later that day, when he gets back to his apartment. “phichit, i met fluffy dog boy today and i barely talked to him because he’s too intimidatingly pretty and i froze up and just petted his dog the entire time and he probably hates me and thinks i’m so weird oh my god–”)
(”shhhhhhhh,” phichit says, smothering yuuri with a hamster-shaped pillow until he stops talking. “there, there. now, let’s take this from the top. you finally talked to fluffy doggo boy?”)
(”yes,” yuuri wails, and grabs the pillow to shriek into it.)
shit this post is getting long i’ll stop babbling (i still have so much to say, i didn’t even get to half of what we talked about hahah) but yeah the mutual pining is real and it’s all because of those goddamn squirrels
(later, after they’ve started dating, viktor still has yuuri saved in his phone as “snow white”. when yuuri, bewildered, asks why, the answer is a cheerful kiss to his nose and a “because you’re the fairest of them all, of course!” before viktor starts to wonder if he should change the name to be a tell-tale heart reference, because, after all, yuuri did steal his heart.)