oh well it's been a long time

2

So approximately six thousand years ago I told @forksalesperson I would draw Ed for her and because I am me I’m only just now getting it to her. 

aceofalmonds  asked:

Hello! I read (and enjoyed!) the story you posted of your grandpa and his tree disposal methods, and so was looking for the story you mentioned of your other grandpa menacing a peach tree with a baseball bat, but can't seem to find it. Halp?

That would be because I haven’t posted it yet!  Many people have requested the story mentioned in the tags “Grandpa Menaces a Peach Tree With A Baseball Bat”, So here it is, with a side of “Grandpa Menaces The Iowa Relatives With Giant Corn”

**

For the Full Context of this tale, you have to understand how my dad’s side of the family got to America in the first place.  Prior to 1917, they were all farmers of limited success that migrated from county to county, trying not to starve, until a covey of the Fitzpatricks heard that they could be shoveling shit in Grand Americay, far away from the people they owed money to, so they all fucked off to Iowa and somehow made a fortune in the real-estate business in the middle of the depression.  Despite now being comfortably middle-class, they never actually gave up farming, and having a pair of glowing green thumbs was a point of pride in the family.

So, when Grandpa moved out to California, specifically to the Salinas Valley, which is where an absurd percentage of the country’s food is grown because it’s full of probably the world’s most stupidly good soil,  Grandpa had to continue the tradition and set up a garden in the backyard, planted various crops and flowers in January because fuck you this is coastal California, I can start stuff in the middle of winter, and invited his sister Leone and her growing brood of (at the time, 5, later 9 children) out to visit.

They came out in July, to escape the Midwest humidity and Butter fetish for a time, when the corn is typically getting to be around knee-height if things are going well.  Grandpa spent a long time asking how things were back on the farm, plying them with ice tea and grandma’s lethal Angel Food cake, before politely inviting Leone and her Husband Scotty out back to see how his patch was doing, oh its not much really, just a bit of fun for me and the children-

Scotty and Leone stared at the nine-foot-tall goddamn corn which was already setting fruit because it had been going since January.  At the watermelon plant that had taken over the side-yard, and at the other oversize and thriving crops that had taken over grandpa’s yard.  There was a few moments of awed silence.

“Well fuck you Edwin.” Scotty eventually said, before Leone whopped him over the head and the rest of the visit was a pleasant diversion.

the following spring though, Grandpa received a package from Iowa, specifically a small peach tree with a note saying “With Love, Scotty.”

Leone knew better than to engage in such shenanigans, because this is irish-agrarian passive-aggressive Bullshittery at its absolute finest.  “Sure, yeah, you can do corn.  Any asshole can do corn.  TRY THIS FUSSY-ASS PEACH VARIETAL INSTEAD, YOU ASS”  is perhaps a more accurate translation.

Grandpa, not about to be intimidated by a mere tree, planted that sucker in the front yard and proceeded to pamper it- bone meal fertilizer, a brand-new irrigation system, the works.  Hell, he would go out some times and talk to the darn thing.  It flowered, and he borrowed a behive from one of the local farmers to make DARN SURE that it got pollinated, because he was going to mail peaches to Scotty for Christmas, that asshole.

The tree. Did not. fruit.

That fall, grandpa reccived a letter from Scotty, asking after a couple paragraphs of circumlocutions, how that tree he sent was doing?

Grandpa got up, made himself a martini, picked up Dad’s baseball bat, and walked out to the front yard to have a discussion with the Peach tree.  

“I’ve just received a letter.”  he explained, waving the paper at the tree. “Asking when you’re going to fruit.  Now, I think I’ve held up my responsibilities to you as your caretaker, so it’s time for you to start providing.  Do you understand?  This spring, you better start fruiting or I will personally take this bat to you and turn you to into kindling.”

He stepped close to the tree, sticking his face in the branches as though whispering into it’s hypothetical ear. “Do not test me, you little shit.”

The next week, the tree bloomed out of season, and by February, it had set an obscene amount of fruit, which grandpa gleefully turned into preserves and mailed back to Iowa.

Oh Deer God.

Little backstory: I’m playing a game with my boyfriend and a few others who have been really wanting to play D&D for a while. My boyfriend is DM'ing so I’m playing a dragonborn paladin, and on the team is also a half-elf ranger, and a tiefling warlock. Well, after waking up from being dead (long story), we are now in a time when the world is ending, the gods have left, and everything is going to hell in a handbasket. We are led to the last bastion of civilization and we all go our own ways to do our own things. My paladin joins the guard because she just wants to help people, the ranger joins a group that goes out of the safe haven’s walls and scavenges for anything useful, and the warlock decides to do his own thing. This is the story of him doing his own thing.

Warlock: *heads to the druids tower to speak with the head druid who is a plant person* Hey, anything interesting going on here?

Plant person: Actually, I have this potion that I made that I’d be willing to pay you to test out. I have no idea what it does, but I’m fairly certain it’s safe.

Warlock: Works for me. *drinks the potion*

Plant Person: …

Warlock: …

Plant Person: … Well … how do you feel?

Warlock: Well … everything is tinged green … *turns into a deer and has to fight to keep his mental stats*

Plant person: Oh … huh. *takes notes* Um, can you understand me?

Warlock (OOC): I’m gonna fuck with him and pretend I can’t and- are there any plants in here?

DM: You’re in a druid’s tower. Of course there’s plants.

Warlock (OOC): Cool. I’m gonna start eating one.

Plant Person: Oh dear. Well … it should wear off in a few hours …

Warlock (OOC): Okay, now I’m gonna head outside and make my way to the infirmary.

DM: Okay, you make your way down the stairs and head outside, anything else you wanna do?

Warlock (OOC): I’m gonna strut my stuff.

DM (laughing): Roll a charisma check.

Warlock (OOC): *rolls a natural 20*

DM: The people believe that the gods have returned and that you are one of them walking among them. They throw money at your feet and start singing the praises of ‘Deer God’.

Me, the Warlock, and the Ranger (OOC): *laughing uncontrollably*

TL;DR: The warlock, in deer form, was so full of charisma, people started worshiping him as a god and it is now a running joke in our campaign whenever anyone says ‘dear god’ that we are now reminded of 'Deer God’.

                                                    “ My time is up. “


So I wanted to practice colour palette’s again and ended up using “Speak to me” ( so this one from HERE ). It felt soothing drawing Xion after all this time that I haven’t drawn her.

  • Blake: Mom, Dad, you remember my girlfriend.
  • Ghira: Ahh, of course.
  • Yang: Heya Big Daddy Belladonna!
  • Ghira: Always a pleasure Yang, it's been Xiao-Long.
  • Kali: Oh god no...
  • Yang: Well I guess you're right! It has been a while. So sorry to Blake you worry!
  • Blake: Don't involve me in this!
  • Ghira: No truly, it's been purr-ever.
  • Yang: You're right, last time we were here Blake did some very adventurous things.
  • Blake: Y-YANG! DON'T TELL THAT TO MY PARENTS!
  • Yang: Whoops, guess the cats out of the bag now, eh?
  • Ghira: I know, I mean we waited ages! Guess it's more like the cats out the closet, huh?
  • Both: (Snap point at each other) Ayyyyy!
  • Kali: I'll go get the gun.

anonymous asked:

I love reading what you have to say about anything in general (dan and phil, politics, your work day [even in passing]) and idk I just wanted to say hi + ask what you have to say about their new gaming video? I loved it, they were so (insert a multitude of different positive adjectives) and Phil is such a broad thinker it's amazing. I think (im pretty sure) you loved it as well and I just wanna read your thoughts, hahaha thanks!

can you hear that? it’s the sound of me screaming because i have to rewrite the entirety of this ramble after tumblr DELETED IT THE FIRST TIME ifjaoiwejraoiejroaeir. but YES oh my god. i did love this video. a lot. there’s so, so much to talk about. grab a fkn snack mate, bc this is super long. 

1. there’s been a lot of discourse about dan and phil’s interaction in this video. i received a handful of messages regarding dan’s apparently aggressive treatment of phil and one regarding the way people were apparently abusing phil in the comments under the video and calling him “stupid and untalented.” um. okay so i’ll work backwards. i have watched the video three times now. all three times i scrolled really deep into the comments. NONE of those times did i see a single comment that was insulting or demeaning to phil. where are people seeing this? i feel like this is a classic case of one or two people saying something happened and then everyone repeating it without actually checking the source. if anything, the yt comments are full of people saying firstly that phil is “too creative” for this game and has a fascinating mind, and, secondly, that he’s a full-grown man who doesn’t need the protection of his fans from dan of all people, the so-called aggressive bully in this scenario, who just so happens to also be his best friend and life partner. i definitely agree with that latter point.

something else that’s been lost in this discussion and that seems extremely relevant is that a lot of this video’s central dynamic, with dan being shocked and appalled at phil’s seemingly abysmal drawing skills and phil doing the absolute most in every drawing, felt really, really put on or exaggerated for dramatic/comedic effect. i think the very first instance of it, when phil draws his fucked up umbrella, and dan just sort of jokes about it looking like a palm tree for a while and then at the end just says like a few words about how extreme phil’s interpretation was—i think this was a super authentic interaction. but i also think they quickly gathered with the drawings that followed that it would be really funny to ham it up for the sake of comedy and that’s why phil’s drawings seemed to get intentionally more and more “creative,” so to speak, while dan’s responses got correspondingly more and more extreme and high-pitched and shriek-y until basically everyone’s eardrums were bleeding. i get why the video was grating to some people bc like,,, this shit can get tiring to watch when it seems so extra. but personally i found it very funny… especially bc of my next point.

this narrative around phil being some sort of unappreciated creative genius who was constantly being berated in this video by his callous friend and just sadly tolerated all of this abuse is not only annoying bc it infantilizes phil but also because it’s just … wrong? and overlooks two of my fav things about the video which were how supportive and ENCOURAGING dan was, even while he was trying to exaggerate his “holy shit phil how are you so bad” thing, and simultaneously, how assertive and opinionated and sassy (i hate that word but literally don’t know a better one to describe him in this vid) phil was the whole time. to the first point, i don’t think there was a single one of phil’s turns in which dan wasn’t passionately yelling saying something like ‘come on phil. you can do this’ and also giving him recommendations on how best he should draw the object to get the point. even when he was in the middle of screaming about how bad phil was, he seemed to occasionally rein it in with a compliment to balance it out. for instance, during phil’s lobster drawing, he did the whole ‘what the fuck even is that’ for a while and then immediately had to dilute it by saying something like, “okay but by the end i could totally tell they were claws.” or when phil very reasonably points out that he’s using his wrong hand which is why he’s struggling, dan immediately agrees and repeats it as if for emphasis: “they’re not using their wrong hand to be fair.” and he even calls himself out about this, with the usual “WHY AM I HELPING YOU???” i honestly read dan as wanting to go to his default mode of supporting phil and celebrating his lateral/creative thinking (reminiscent of when he did this in the impossible quiz) the whole time, but then also needing to keep the comedy going by acting so confounded by phil’s inability to draw simple objects. as mentioned however, phil does not respond in the typical amazingphil™ way to all of the taunting. whereas in 2014-15 era dapg bants, he tended to just remain docile while dan would make his ‘what the fuck are you on about’ comments regarding phil’s weird sexual innuendoes or whatever else, in this video phil was anything but docile. he was in fact quite consistent in giving his own opinionated statements/retorts. just an abbreviated list:

  • the bit where he names the robot bianca and dan immediately objects and phil basically goes, yes. i named it. deal with it. hoe.
  • when they’re looking at other people’s umbrella drawings and he goes “oh shut up. look at you with your perfect umbrellas” in the sneeriest voice known to humankind
  • when dan is making fun of him pretty intensely and phil actually adamantly defends himself and says, “put me under pressure, and i can’t do things.” doesn’t seem like someone who’s just submissively accepting dan’s mockery. he’s explaining why it was hard for him.
  • “look at arty jim down here” damn. arty jim got fuckin rekt  
  • “how is ‘lobster’ easy ???? ?  i mean what the hell,” again in the sneeriest voice i’ve heard
  • his absolute disgust that dan got elbow so easily, and the way he proceeds to shove dan and threatens to “elbow [him] in the face.” like damn. he fightin back
  • when he’s like ‘i don’t  even do anything with this hand’ and flops his left hand around i s2g he is trying to sneak in a cheeky sexual innuendo and slyly allude to wanking in the way that he does best and DAN DOESNT HEAR HIM THE FIRST TIME bc he’s talking and phil just stares at him while he flops his hand around and repeats “i don’t even use this hand it’s a dead weight” and dan absolutely doesn’t take the bait. oh my god. phil intentionally trying to annoy dan with innuendoes, and checking to see if he gets it,,,, that is the shit i live for
  • ‘all or nothing on the zebra’ cheeky laugh. damn.
  • the way he’s like ‘just shut up then’ to dan as he begins drawing the zebra. because he’s not taking dan’s shit
  • etc etc etc

and i firmly believe phil was HOLDING BACK in this!!!! !! ! and was still at least partially constrained by/aware of the camera and his usual role as the quieter, gentler foil to dan’s hysteria and melodramatics. so like. just imagine how much more assertive he is when the camera isn’t on. i don’t think any of y’all need to be worried in any way about phil’s ability to handle everything dan dishes out bc i think he’s happily returning it in full measure.

2. on a similar but somewhat unrelated note, phil spent a lot of time in this video sitting patiently while dan went on some truly remarkable monologues and i thought it was noteworthy, mostly in that phil just couldn’t stop looking at dan in apparent adoration even while he was being a dramatic child. i felt like the staring was much less guarded than phil tends to be—he’s usually so aware of the camera and consciously tries to maintain eye contact with the audience as much as possible, but there were just a few moments in this where i was surprised by how long he let himself just watch dan. 

during dan’s first ‘artsy vs. creative’ monologue:

during dan’s random ass screaming about a raccoon idek:

during dan’s second ‘artsy vs. creative’ monologue:

phil was p captivated. and these def are moments where he’s looking at dan for longer than usual, not just one-off instances of the most fleeting glances that i screenshotted for effect. i promise. 

3. there were some like,,, incredible exchanges during this vid that i specifically want to analyze.

first, the ‘dabble with a robot’ bit at the beginning when dan tries to get phil to admit that he’s making an innuendo and phil won’t do it. i loved this so much. i don’t even have anything much to say other than dan is trying to kill the innocent!phil trope so hard and it’s so funny to me. also. phil was def talking about robot sex. and right after he says dabble the first time, there’s this really obvious jump cut and the immediate frame following it is THIS:

and i just NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF DIRTY ROBOT SEX COMMENT THEY CUT OUT. ugh.

second: ‘i think bianca has a crush on you and she’s mistreating me.’ let’s unpack this. because at first i was just like oh so some inanimate object with a vaguely female voice is showing a potential preference or softness for dan, and phil immediately thinks that she’s crushing on him. and that’s interesting in itself because it’s a surprising leap to make, tbh, and i would never expect phil to say it. but then the second bit, ‘and she’s mistreating me,’ stated as a completely natural follow-up thought. i initially didn’t even pay any mind to this bc like ok whatever he’s whining about not getting his point. but like. think about it for a second. in what context would someone who has a crush on dan mistreat phil other than jealousy or irritation due to the fact that phil is the reason dan is romantically unavailable? like honestly??? ? a platonic interpretation of that comment doesn’t even exist. ‘x has a crush on you and they’re mistreating me’ is literally only a thing someone would say to their significant other. tbh.

third, and my personal fav: the convo after phil ‘cheats’ or pushes dan’s arm while he’s drawing the spoon. just every bit of it. the way that dan leans in on his second repeat of ‘how would you do it then.’ the way that phil completely drops his on-camera voice when he says, ‘no we’re not doing best of three, we’re doing three rounds. it’s 4-2 right now.’ it’s the most natural voice ever, as though he immediately assumes this convo won’t be left in the video. and i imagine a lot of their behind the scenes negotiation as they film for dapg, regarding how things will be scored/structured, happens like this. as in, without some sort of CUT CUT PAUSE interjection to break the filming, but rather just a noticeable shift in tone to demonstrate to each other that they’re saying something that should be cut out in editing. to me, this is just completely reaffirmed by the amount of eye contact that immediately follows phil talking about the score. here’s an amazing gifset of it, which i need all of yall to click and look at, to really get what i’m saying here. and here’s my own screenshot bc y not:

it feels like phil definitely is trying to just have a conversation with dan to figure how they should proceed but dan is still performing a bit, and hamming up his exasperation for the camera when he says, ‘best of three, that would mean i win.’ phil then catches on, drops some of his softness and his natural voice, and immediately looks back to the camera. just. such a good, revealing little exchange. and as soon as the little natural moment is broken, phil immediately defaults back into the sassiness that he’s been demonstrating the whole video by saying, ‘i’m not! i’m just having so much fun,” in like. the world’s most sarcastic voice. then dan chiming in with the requisite fond “this guy” followed by “he’s so sneaky, can you imagine playing monopoly with him?” and that’s interesting too bc it’s dan ~breaking the fourth wall~ more explicitly and talking directly to us, and specifically to this section of his audience that has been voraciously demanding they play board games. he knows he’s being cute and domestic or whatever but at the same time it seems like he’s been genuinely a bit insecure about so overtly denying the audience something they’ve been asking for for so long, which is why he keeps bringing it up and trying to justify it in various ways–by explaining that it would be boring (as he said in his live show) or that it’d end badly (as he said on twitter and now in this video).

wow. just such a good and unexpectedly thought-provoking video. i loved it and genuinely laughed a lot even though the bants were so dramatic and overdone. they were having so much fun the whole time, in my opinion, and that, coupled with their continued lower boundaries regarding on-camera mannerisms, eye contact, touching, etc. seem to be the running themes of post-baking universe dapg. excited to see how these things develop over the course of the year! and also just so excited to see that they are actually carrying forward and sticking to their perceived re-commitment to the gaming channel that happened with gamingmas. they’re really making an effort to film in advance and post way more regularly than we’ve been used to, despite “life things” that are happening. they’re working hard to show us that they care deeply about this channel still and it’s just so uplifting to see that, and to be reminded with each video that they also have so much fun together, always :’)

(dan vs. phil: quick draw)

Birthday Wishes (m)

Word Count: 6,309

Warning: Taehyung Smut

“Fucking great.”

You throw the card you’d been reading down onto the round metal table before you, glancing over it once more. The picture on the front is that of a city, the name written in italic in the top right corner. She hadn’t even tried to personalize the picture for you, nor the letter that is nothing more than a bad excuse.

“Do you want another cup o’ coffee?”

You raise your head up to the server, and answer his question with a nod accompanied by a bitter smile. “Yeah.”

He looks at you with a square smile, then takes your empty cup.

Keep reading

BTS Chat: A Promposal to Remember (Jimin, Y/N & Jungkook)
  • Y/N: I'm going to ask Jimin to prom.
  • Jungkook: Why would you want to go to prom with Jimin?
  • Y/N: Why wouldn't I? He's CHIM. Cute, Hot, Irresistible and Masculine.
  • Jungkook: No, he's CHIM, Crazy Hyper Insane Man. Also, Y/N I thought you knew that I, you know?
  • Y/N: ...you what?
  • Jungkook: Umm, well, that I like--
  • Jimin leans on the doorway, running his CHIM hands through his hair.
  • Jimin: Hey Y/N...
  • Y/N: Jimin! Oh my God, how long have you been standing there.
  • Jimin: Well I heard you're going to ask me to prom, if that's what you're asking.
  • He strides over to Y/N and gets down on one knee.
  • Jimin: So before you do that, it's about time I prompose....
  • Jimin is so CHIM, pulling out a red rose from literally nowhere, but who cares, this is romantic AF. But not for Jungkook;
  • Jungkook's Brain: NOOOOOOO!!
  • Jungkook: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • Y/N and Jimin are startled, they look at Jungkook inquisitively.
  • Jimin: -- To Jungkook. Kookie, do me the honor of going to prom with me?
  • Jimin hands the rose to Jungkook who grabs it and wraps his arms around Jimin.
  • Jungkook: Of course Jiminie, I was so scared you were going to ask Y/N!
  • Jimin: Never.
  • Jungkook and Jimin laugh together, embracing while Y/N quietly slips out of the room.
  • Y/N: Did, not see that coming.
  • A/N: I did.
🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.
Forget everything you know about love

Husbands!Jikook, 10k of angsty crack + fluff fluff fluff 

For we cannot love something we do not remember, but maybe forgetting was the solution to all of Jungkook’s problems.

A/N: From this request; hope you like it!


A left, another left, a right, and then a left. Or was it left, right, left, left?

Jungkook doesn’t have time to worry about that as he races down the hall, each tick of the clocks in the hospital, each quickening beat of his heart feeling like it might be the last. Like it might be too late.

Room two twenty-four, two twenty-five… screw it.

Jungkook bursts through the door a millisecond before he could process that it was indeed the correct number, but is given confirmation by the figure seemingly drowning beneath the white sheets.

He was pale. An IV drip attached to one arm. There were a few patches of faint yellow from the bruising. But amidst the faint beeping in the background and the smell of disinfectants much too strong, he was still the same Jimin that Jungkook had always known.

“Jimin—” Jungkook cuts himself off, part of him afraid that he’d regret whatever tumbled out of his mouth in such a distraught state, and the other part of him not even knowing what to say.

Jimin, I’m so sorry…please don’t hate me.

Jungkook keeps his head bowed, avoiding the look of hatred that he expected from his husband.

“Um…hi?”

But as he looks up and sees that strangely empty look in Jimin’s eyes, he knows that something isn’t quite right.

“Jimin? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” A pause that feels much too long. “Sorry, um, could you tell me who you are?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed and lips curling down into a frown. “Were you someone important to me?”

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Luke and Han the first time they're alone after rotj
  • luke:
  • han:
  • luke: so you're dating my sister now
  • han: Luke listen there was
  • luke: no it's fine!!!!! Listen. It's fine.
  • Han: i mean you were away for so long and you know Leia and I got really close on
  • Luke: it's. fine. I'm happy for you two like it's fine
  • han: are you SURE
  • luke: YUP!!
  • Han: and you don't think I strung you along or
  • luke: ahahaha listen Han you're not that irresistible like I've been over it for a while
  • Han: oh.
  • luke: yeah
  • Han: ok. Well, um, I need to, pee but I'm glad we talked
  • (Han passes Lando on the way out)
  • luke: han's a fucking bitch
  • lando: WOW RT
Inspiration

Requested: Shawn is in the studio, but can’t seem to write anything meaningful. He calls y/n for some inspiration.

Masterlist

~~~

You’re halfway through your algebra homework, when your phone buzzing on your bed distracts you. Picking it up, you answer, “Hello?”

“Hey hun,” Shawn’s voice comes from the other side. You’re wondering why he’s calling you because you know he’s at a recording studio in LA right now.

“Hey babe,” You reply, “What’s up?” 

“I’m in the studio and I know you just got home from school so I just wanted to call you.”

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Sick

Originally posted by thugshawn


Pairing: Shawn x Reader

Request: Can you write a Shawn imagine where he comes home from a day in the studio not feeling very well and he’s super upset because he doesn’t handle being sick very well and you’re trying to take care of him?

Note: Hi!!! Sorry its been a long time since I’ve updated, I’m running real low on requests so put some in my inbox?

-

“Y/N?” You heard your apartment door open.

“Shawn? What are you doing back- oh my god Shawn are you okay?!” you asked the minute your eyes landed on him.

“I’m fine Y/N.” He sighed taking off his jacket

“Umm no your not.” you crossed your eyes over your chest

“I am too!” he retorted then sneezed

“I can see why they sent you back here then.” You rolled your eyes

“Babe I’m fine-”

“No you’re not, Shawn! Look at you!” you said putting your hands on his burning face.

“I said I’m fi-” you cut him off by pulling him to your living room and pushing him onto the couch.

“Stay put.” you said in a warning tone and he raised his hands in surrender as you walked to the kitchen.

You started boiling water for his tea as you cooked something for him to eat.

“Y/N.” You heard a whine at the door.

“I thought I told you to stay put.”

“I thought I told you I was fine, I guess we are both stubborn and don’t listen.” he crossed his arms over his chest

“Shawn you are not okay.”

“Yes I am.”

“Fine, kiss me then. You wouldn’t mind giving me a kiss would you?” you batted your eyelashes innocently, and you knew how Shawn was about your health and would hate it if you got sick, especially if it was because of him.

His eyes widened a bit as you got closer to him putting your arms around his neck.

“Y/N.” He said in a warning tone

“What? You said you weren’t sick, and I missed you.” you said leaning in a bit.

“Fine! I’m sick. You happy now?” he groaned

“Very. Now go let me take care of you.” and when he was about to object you raised your hand silencing him then pointed to the couch. He grumbled and mumbled a quick ‘okay’ before making his way to the couch as you reached for a tray to put his food and tea in and walked to the living room.

“You didn’t have to do this you know?” he stated

“Yes I did, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t?” Placing the tray in front of him. You gave him a look that made him roll his eyes and started eating.

“You’re so stubborn you know that?” you said and he chuckled

“Not as stubborn as you.” he replied and you rolled your eyes

“Shawn, why didn’t you tell me you were sick? I could’ve helped.” you asked a bit hurt.

“I know you could’ve, baby. It’s just that I didn’t want to believe I was sick so I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with being sick, Shawn-”

“I know, and its not that. My tour’s coming up soon, and I don’t want to travel the world while being sick. What if they cancel the tour?! I don’t want to let my fans down.” he started panicking 

“Shawn. your fans would and will understand! They will understand that you got sick and they will support you! And I’m no expert, but I’m sure that there is no way they are going to cancel a whole tour.” you both chuckled

“Shawn, your fans adore you, and they all will wish you nothing but the best.” Shawn sighed at your words

“How did I get so lucky?” you smiled at his words and ran your fingers through his hair. You two soon got up and laid on your bed talking about each other’s days.

“Shawn?” you whispered playing with his hair, but no response as you saw him sleeping on your stomach, soft snores leaving his mouth.

He was gonna be okay.

chloef8899  asked:

Chris has a boyfriend named Will have you not seen any resent videos or interviews? he talks about him all the time in those. sorry if I'm coming off as rude but they have been together for like FOUR YEARS

Part 2: f you don’t believe me there is tons a different videos and pics of them on Chriscolfernews. And there actually super cute together

Part 3:  And also a friend of mine knows chris and will and she says that they just had there 4 year anniversary in January, and they get really sick and tired of Will getting hate messages from you people. GLEE IS OVER!!! JEEEZZZZZ. Also have you not been on Chris’s Colfer’s instagram he has posted stuff with his bf. I just find it kind of disrespectful and rude that’s all. I’m not asking you to support there relationship but stop posting a bunch of bs that isn’t real!!!!

Part 4:  One last thing if you weren’t so new to all of this u would have seen the interviews that Chris goes to and he was asked about his real boyfriend and if they write together because Will is a screenwrite. (he said yes) he also hasn’t seen this Darren guy since glee ended and btw he has a girlfriend and they have been together since glee started. If u even read Chris’s frickin books u would know him and will are dating!!!! Because he dedicated the last one to him

Part 5:  I’m sure u are a nice person but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in my life😂

**************************************************************************

Oh thank you, thank you. Its been a long week and I am so tired. Its been beyond stressful and you just made my day.  If i wasn’t so new to this? Honey, i am not new to this. I have been around for quite some time and I assure you I have read of all Chris’ books. And I am well aware he has recently named Will as his BF and that he dedicated his book to his favorite human spell checker.

Newsflash, Chris Colfer news is PR. They post what the agenda is. the agenda is to try to sell Chill. Why? Oh I know, I know!!!!!  Because Chris is in a relationship with an actor is is in the closet. And the spotlight has shined brightly on CC for years. and therefore, in order to dim that spotlight, Chris needs to have his own fake relationship. This is called PR. Something that is common in Hollywood. Will is a merkin, a person that is the pretend boyfriend commonly used as a source of protection for one’s actual significant other.  Ever question why Ashley is always with them? Even on their trip to London? Its just so odd….

Oh my naive friend who doesn’t have a clue. Open your eyes. Have you read Chris’ books?  Um Ezmia? MorInA? I guess he just likes to thrown shade at a former co-stars gf. No other reason he would name his villains after her. One of whom has locked Froggy in a mirror. You know Froggy a/k/a Darren who is engaged to Red a/k/a Chris who is trapped by MorInA. And let’s not forget Chris has dedicated a book to Darren. It is called Little Red’s Guide to Royalty. I really suggest you read that one. It has some amazing insight to the current situation.  Here’s a little post i did (X)

And if not that have you read Stranger? Cause there is a whole chapter called Truth Shaming that tells you that celebrities lie!!! Imagine that!!!!!! Shocking I know.  Straight from Chris who says this it’s the most autobiographical book to date. Here is my post on that particular chapter (X)

And Darren has a girlfriend?  Yes, the one that is under contract to play his plus one. And insufferable spoiled brat that lives with a man named BEN.

You see, Darren signed his life away when he joined Fox. And the last thing Fox wanted was (a) for Darren to come out as straight and (b) for there to be any reason to suspect that Darren and Chris were a couple. So heavy bearding commenced in season 4 and it has been relentless since. Why?  No one knows. An obvious mistake.  Fox should have chosen to capitalize on it. But all they could see was the $$$ Darren brought in as their straight teenage dream,

And sadly years later, this is the mess they find themselves in. And they are stuck trying to balance what is right for them, their careers, and for their naive fans who would rather see them both with completely unequal partners than be with each other. It is beyond my comprehension. But this is where we are.

I beg of you. Please take off the blinders.  It is beyond obvious what the truth is.  And for the record. You haven’t a clue what I know. But trust me, it is more than enough to not doubt even for one second what I know to be fact.

Come With Me Now

‘Come With Me Now’- Kongos

Fandom: The Avengers
Warning/s: Umm, lots of smut? Primarily smut. Wee bit of plot if you squint
Rating: Explicit
Pairing/s: Pietro x (Gender Neutral) Reader

Summary: Things get heated between you and the speedster, in Avengers Tower (smutty smutty smut smut)

Words: 1750

“It’s been an hour,” Tony growled, slumping back into the sofa. “You think they’d have given it up by now.”

The couple in referral- Pietro and yourself- were currently shouting at each other across the room. Something that had become too common an occurrence in the Avengers Tower of late.

“-THIS IS THE LAST STRAW, Y/N!” Pietro yelled at you, pointing accusingly at you. “JUST HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO PUT MILK BACK INTO FRIDGE?!”

Throwing your hands up in frustration, you replied, “WELL DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOU RUNNING AROUND KNOCKING EVERYTHING OVER, 24 BLOODY 7! AND HAVE YOU SEEN THE STATE OF MY LAB?!”

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anonymous asked:

Hi! Not sure if you've done something like this before, but may I request Tsukishima, Kuroo and Bokuto finding out about their crush (who seems like a studious nerd type at first) playing a quite violent contact sport, like for example ice hockey, boxing and so on:)

Hi everyone! I’m back from being MIA— again 😑— but long story short I’m getting ready for college so I’m just living from one exam to the other😵 and I’m sure you all know how exhausting that is, my brain feels like a potato😪 But I finally have some time so I got to work and I’ll be posting some requests during the weekend.

Actually I’ve never gotten something like this and I really liked this request, so thank you nonnie, I hope you like it😊

Also I hope life’s been treating you well guys💙


Kuroo Tetsurō

Kuroo’s always been a ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’ kind of guy, but this is the first time he’s seen it in action. And oh man, it really is action. You have just gave an incredible punch to a girl twice your size with an effortless movement and you look as fresh as the morning.

Your usual calm and focused expression of when you’re reading a book or focusing in a particular difficult problem is long gone. Your eyes are burning more than fire and you look ready to kill. In fact it looks you’re about to do so, ‘cause the girl in front of you is looking at you with a concerned expression.

The adrenaline of the moment burns through your veins and it’s curving your lips into a devious grin, and soon Kuroo is doing just the same.

Yeah, you’re so going to be his girlfriend. Now.


Tsukishima Kei

Really?

Just when he thought you weren’t that awesome and that maybe, just maybe he still had a chance to go back and lock down his feelings into a Pandora box. But no, now you had this too.

This couldn’t be fair. It was enough that he could barely take his eyes off you during class. And now he had to lie to himself trying not to make a big deal of your new discovered ability.

The cold from the Ice ring reaches every bone in Tsukishima’s body and he can see his breath becoming vap when he sighs. You’re advancing towards the goal with such determination that he can feel the intensity radiating from you. You finally dodge the defense and open yourself a path towards an amazing annotation.

Your scream of satisfaction comes muffled from the inside of your helmet.

Tsukishima sighs again.

Great. Now there’s no way he can keep holding himself from asking you on a date.


Bokuto Kōtarō

Let’s be clear; Bokuto doesn’t need any more prove of how amazing you are. He’s been proclaiming all of your charm points during weeks. His teammates are at their limit, and they are ready to tell you about Bokuto’s feelings themselves if he doesn’t confess soon.

His captain is so amazed by your display that Akaashi needs to remind him to close his mouth. He honestly doesn’t know who looks prouder of the point you just scored; if you yourself or his own captain.

“Hell yeah! Way to go, (Y/N)-chan!!”

When you turn to smile and wave at Bokuto he looks ready to combust. His laugh is strong enough to reach the whole field, and his waving could be enough to catch the attention of a helicopter.

“Did you see that?! She waved at me, Akaashi!!”

“I certainly did, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto’s attention is back on you and on the rugby game, but this time there’s something different in the way he’s looking at you. Actually, one gaze to his captain profile is all Akaashi needs to know that Bokuto’s act of admiring you from afar and keeping quiet is going to be over before than your game.