oh well at least i'm close

  • Tom: Someone wanted this to be seen.
  • Harry: Yes, but that just raises a bigger question.
  • Tom: Oh, and what is that?
  • Harry: Why do you even care?
  • Tom: I'm sorry, are you asking me why I care that a woman was killed?
  • Harry: No, I'm asking why YOU care that a woman was killed.
  • Tom: Forgive me, but I don't follow.
  • Harry: Well, let's see, most people would (charitably) refer to you as the crown prince of douchebags, long making reign. Your usual reaction to human suffering is to pull up a chair and crack out the popcorn. What's your angle?
  • Tom: Harry! I am shocked and appalled that that is your opinion of me. All I want is to see justice served and to bring that poor boy some closure.
  • Harry: Really? You care that much, huh? What's his name.
  • Tom: I'm sorry, what?
  • Harry: The guys name. What. Was. It.
  • Tom: Well, um, you know, it was, um, sta- uh, starts with an A-
  • Harry: S.
  • Tom: S, of course, of course. That's close, I mean they're basically neighbors, you can understand my mistake.
  • Harry: Of course.
  • Tom: It's uh, s- sna- snasna- uh- snack cakes?
  • Harry: Snape!
  • Tom: Alright, fine, God, I just wanted to prove I was right. There's no way that girl's really dead. There's something else going on here, and I'm gonna prove it.
  • Harry: Wow, how noble of you.
  • Tom: Oh, spare me, Wonder Boy. You're only doing this to prove me wrong.
  • Harry: Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!
  • Tom: Yeah, whatever- wait. Pretend?

The Placebo Effect is Not a River in Egypt

or

the 12 Step Programme to Falling in Love (in Space)


Summary: Lance and Keith get sex love pollen’d when returning from a mission. Lance handles it remarkably well. At least he thinks so.

Excerpt: “Uh guys,” Lance closed his eyes for a second and tried the breathing thing. “Not to be that kind of person who yells at everyone during a freak-out, but I AM freaking out here ohmygod can anyone please just tell me what’s going on?!” From below, Keith made a throaty noise, head tipping from Lance’s knee smack into his lap. Wow great. Just great.


Keep reading

  • <p> <b>Tom:</b> Someone wanted this to be seen.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Yes, but that just raises a bigger question.<p/><b>Tom:</b> Oh, and what is that?<p/><b>Harry:</b> Why do you even care?<p/><b>Tom:</b> I'm sorry, are you asking me why I care that a man was killed?<p/><b>Harry:</b> No, I'm asking why YOU care that a man was killed.<p/><b>Tom:</b> Forgive me, but I don't follow.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Well, let's see, most people would (charitably) refer to you as the crown prince of douchebags, long making reign. Your usual reaction to human suffering is to pull up a chair and crack out the popcorn. What's your angle?<p/><b>Tom:</b> Harry! I am shocked and appalled that that is your opinion of me. All I want is to see justice served and to bring that poor girl some closure.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Really? You care that much, huh? What's her name.<p/><b>Tom:</b> I'm sorry, what?<p/><b>Harry:</b> The girls name. What. Was. It.<p/><b>Tom:</b> Well, um, you know, it was, um, sta- uh, starts with an A-<p/><b>Harry:</b> Y.<p/><b>Tom:</b> Y, of course, of course. That's close, I mean they're basically neighbors, you can understand my mistake.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Of course.<p/><b>Tom:</b> It's uh, y- yo- yoyo- uh- yoga pants?<p/><b>Harry:</b> Yoko!<p/><b>Tom:</b> Alright, fine, God, I just wanted to prove I was right. There's no way that guys' really dead. There's something else going on here, and I'm gonna prove it.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Wow, how noble of you.<p/><b>Tom:</b> Oh, spare me, Wonder Boy. You're only doing this to prove me wrong.<p/><b>Harry:</b> Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!<p/><b>Tom:</b> Yeah, whatever- wait. Pretend?<p/></p>
"american beauty" sentence starters
  • "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world."
  • "Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself."
  • "Lose my job? I didn't lose it. It's not like, 'Whoops! Where'd my job go?' I QUIT."
  • "I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast."
  • "You're right. I suck dick for money."
  • "Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge, to boot?"
  • "Management wants you gone by the end of the day."
  • "Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of."
  • "It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful... you can look right back."
  • "When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight-track."
  • "All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me."
  • "I rule!"
  • "She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel better about yourself."
  • "It's never too late to get it back."
  • "I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated."
  • "You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?"
  • "Both my wife/husband and daughter/son think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right."
  • "I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility."
  • "You should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three States."
  • "Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?"
  • "Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?"
  • "I don't think we can be friends anymore."
  • "Just don't fuck my dad, all right? Please?"
  • "You're way too uptight about sex."
  • "I want to look good naked!"
  • "Someone really should just put him out of his misery."
  • "I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here."
  • "You don't really think [name] and I were..."
  • "Want me to kill him for you?"
  • "I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school."
  • "I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone."
  • "Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die."
  • "She hates me. She hates you, too."
  • "There's plenty of joy in my life."
  • "Go fuck yourself, psycho!"
  • "My parents are coming tonight. They're trying to, you know, take an active interest in me."
  • "Gross. I hate it when my mom does that."
  • "Fuck me, Your Majesty!"
  • "I was hoping you'd give me a bath. I'm very, very dirty."
  • "You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have."
  • "I'm so sorry for the way things look around here."
  • "I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter."
  • "Who are you looking for?"
  • "This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living."
  • "There's nothing worse than being ordinary."
  • "Everything that's meant to happen does."
  • "You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak."
  • "Welcome to America's weirdest home videos."
  • "Oh well, all right, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way."
  • "I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and [name]."
  • "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."
  • "Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!"
  • "Your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phony. But, your dad's actually kind of cute."
  • "If he just worked out a little, he'd be hot."
  • "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again."
  • "I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out."
  • "Never underestimate the power of denial."
  • "Are you trying to look unattractive today?"
  • "How dare you speak to me that way in front of her."
  • "Jesus, what is it with you?"
  • "I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist."
  • "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in."
  • "See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident."
  • "Don't interrupt me, honey!"
  • "[Name]'s a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her."
  • "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die."
  • "You better watch yourself, [name], or you're going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother!"
  • "I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you lose your job."
  • "You're boring. And you're totally ordinary. And you know it."
  • "You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
  • "Uh, whose car is that out front?"
  • "Your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink."
  • "In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times."
  • "She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love."
  • "I think you just became my personal hero!"
  • "Man, you are one twisted fuck."
  • "The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing."
  • "You know, this really doesn't concern you."
  • "I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable?"
  • "I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it."
  • "Your wife is with another man and you don't care?"
  • "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."
  • "In less than a year, I'll be dead."
  • "[Name], today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus."
  • "I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her."
  • "We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time."
  • "I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are."
  • "Well, at least I'm not ugly."
  • "This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here."
  • "[Name], are you masturbating?!"
  • "If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model."
  • "In a way, I'm dead already."
  • "You are so busted."
  • "I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up."
  • "Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably."
  • "The car I've always wanted and now I have it."
  • "God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that..."
  • "Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about."
  • "I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose."
  • "Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but."
  • "It would be nice if I was anywhere near as important to him as she is."
  • "Gotta spend money to make money."
  • "I refuse to be a victim!"
  • "I was filming this dead bird."
  • "Do you party?"
  • "Oh, what? You're mother of the year? You treat her/him like an employee."
  • "Could he be any more pathetic?"
  • "I think it's sweet."
  • "You need structure... you need discipline."
  • "He's just so confident, it can't be real."
  • "So, you're fucking psycho-boy on a regular basis now? Tell me, has he got a big dick?"
  • "He didn't even look at me once!"
  • "I don't think you'd fit in here."
  • "It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn."
  • "Excuse me for speaking so bluntly, sir."
  • "Oh, I'm in trouble."
  • "I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting."
  • "This country is going straight to hell!"
  • "[Name], when did you become so joyless?"
  • "I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious."
  • "What is this? The fucking Gay Pride parade?"
  • "Sorry about my dad."
  • "To you, he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones."
  • "This is my first time."
tails & talons - commute

FT Fluff Week Day 1: Together/Come On
Thought this chapter fit the prompt nicely, hehe.

Part (21) of my NaLu Florist/Tattooartist AU series
check out the amazing art for this fic: here
read more chapters: here

Someone had built a wall of bricks on her head. Or a whole fortress. 

Of that Lucy was sure as she awoke only reluctantly. Her eyelids weighed down heavy, refusing to open.

If the thing on top of her was a fortress, then it seemed to be forged by fire. Lucy was sweating, and everything was dry and hot. So hot. She couldn’t breathe.

What the hell had happened? 

Was this life after death? Was this hell? Whatever had she done to get to hell?!

If you asked her, she had led a kind and righteous life. She’d have to complain about this.

Someone groaned close to her ear. Another poor soul, about to be thrown into purgatory?      

Her eyes still wouldn’t open.

“Lu…cy?” the voice croaked. 

Speak of the devil.

Slowly, as the memories began to trickle back into her aching head, Lucy realized that the weight aswell as the heat belonged to her own personal evildoer. 

And in this scenario, she would be punishing him

As soon as she didn’t feel like dying.

“Grmmh?” she answered.

Now this was not how she had pictured their first time waking up together would go. At all.

Keep reading

4

And here’s Ink!Sans!

So I have completely fallen in love with both Ink’s design and story so of course I had to make a clay version of him. 

This is probably my most detailed project (sans seraphim is a close second but this had so many more small, individual pieces) and I really enjoyed making this. though will i ever make the original sans? 

  All credit for this design goes to @comyet, the amazing person who came up with this wonderful AU Sans!

“Five Nights at Kingsley’s”

“Check those cameras and remember to close those doors only if they are absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power! Oh, and by the way, I don’t think your sister ever worked here. At least, no one I asked remembers her. Anyway, good night!”

(I’m so sorry (not sorry) ask-wiggles)

((Had to drop the size so much so that it animated on tumblr, oops! Oh well!))

Drunk Alec (part 2)
  • Alec: Hello...it's me
  • Magnus: Hello Alexander :)
  • Alec: I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet.
  • Magnus: Um aren't we meeting already? Like everyday?
  • Alec: To go over...everything
  • Magnus: Um-
  • Alec: They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing
  • Magnus: Alexander? Are you alright? Did you get into a fight with another demon?
  • Alec: Hello. Can you hear me?
  • Magnus: Of course now answer my question-
  • Alec: I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be...
  • Magnus: Alec! Are you drunk again?
  • Alec: When we were younger, and free.
  • Magnus: What the-
  • Alec: There's such a difference between us
  • Magnus: No there isn't
  • Alec: And a million miles
  • Magnus: For the record, you're pretty close by. Stop exaggerating.
  • Alec: HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIDE
  • Magnus: I can perfectly hear you by the way
  • Alec: I MUST HAVE CALLED A THOUSAND TIIIIIMES
  • Magnus: Oh my God are you drunk again???
  • Alec: To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
  • Magnus: Well there's no need for that...
  • Alec: But when I call you never seem to be home
  • Magnus: I AM.
  • Alec: HELLO FROM THE OUTSIIIIDE
  • Magnus: Yeah yeah. Hi.
  • Alec: At least I can say that I've TRIIIIIED
  • Magnus: Alec what are you saying?
  • Alec: To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
  • Magnus: Oh stop being so emotional on me.
  • Alec: But it don't matter-
  • Magnus: Let me guess. Another bottle of wine? I thought Isabelle stopped you from-
  • Alec: It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymoooore....
  • Magnus: *facepalms*
6

She Believes Cup, Nashville // March 6, 2016

Here are a few more pics. Some post-match and some close ups of my two favs, Tobin and Ashlyn. (I know they’re blurry but I love them anyway)
And the last one is England warming up before their match against Germany.