oh peanut

about once a month steve abruptly remembers he isnt allergic to peanuts anymore, binge-eats a whole jar of peanut butter, then forgets again

anonymous asked:

Something more from divorcee au please??? my family is starving the crops are dying

You know I stop working on everything else to update this right lol


Tony heard a knock on the door and froze, unconsciously clutching Peter tighter to his chest. He’d just—just recently gotten a vile voicemail from Stone saying he was coming for Peter. Tony had, of course, sent the voicemail to Pepper who had passed it on to Natasha, but then Natasha had called him with an ominous, ‘Batten down the hatches, Tony,’ and he’d been a nervous wreck all day. And now someone was here.

“Daddy, huwts!” Peter whined.

Tony gasped quietly and loosened his grip. “Sorry, Petie-Pie.” He pressed a few kisses to his cheek for good measure, and the toddler giggled reluctantly. Tony looked around nervously as the knock came again. “I’m—I’m coming, just a second!” Spying the closet, he hurried toward it. “Okay, Peter, you know how we talked about how bad people might be coming after us?”

His heart broke when Peter’s face went from a reluctant smile to a furrowed brow and frown. “I gotta hide and be quiet.”

“Quiet as a mouse,” Tony agreed, opening the door and carefully setting him on the floor. “And what do you do if someone who isn’t me finds you?”

“I scweam.”

“You scream so loud,” Tony said as Peter crawled to the back of the closet. “And then you keep screaming. I’m going to leave the door open a crack, honey. Remember, be quiet!”

Peter nodded and covered his mouth with both hands. It killed Tony a little to close the door on his face until the tiniest sliver of light caught his eye. Peter should have never had to deal with this, have to be taught to be quiet and hide because someone might come and take him against his and Tony’s wills.

The knock came a third time, and Tony took a shuddering breath before he went to get it. His heart leapt into his throat when he found a tall, broad man standing on the stoop, face set in a scowl. He looked like he could tie Tony into a pretzel and then throw him across a football field. Tony wished he’d thought to grab his gun before he’d answered the door.

“These are for you,” the man said gruffly, shoving a plate at him.

Tony had no choice but to grab them. Well, at least he could use the plate as a weapon now. “I—Oh, cookies. Um. Thank you.” Maybe this guy wasn’t a thug.

“Gluten, egg, and nut free,” the man grunted.

Tony frowned. Maybe this man was a thug and was actually trying to kill him via bland food. “You just sucked all the fun out of these cookies.”

“Steve didn’t know if Peter had allergies,” the man grunted.

Tony stared at him, confused. Then it hit him—Steve. Rhodey’s hot blond neighbor. And this—this must be Steve’s grumpy boyfriend. It figured that Steve’s boyfriend would be equally attractive. What had Steve said his name was? Something kinda dumb, if Tony was being honest.

“I’m Bucky,” the man said, thrusting his hand at him.

Tony took it mostly on instinct. Right. Bucky. What an awful name. “I’m Tony. Oh!” He shoved the plate back at Bucky and rushed back over to the closet, pulling the door open hurriedly. “Peter, it’s alright. It’s just one of our neighbors.”

Peter wiped at his eyes and sniffled a little before holding his arms out to him. Tony plucked him up and clutched him to his chest, running a hand up and down his back and murmuring apologies.

Once Peter had calmed down, Tony turned, embarrassed. Bucky looked like he’d swallowed a lemon. “Sorry.”

“Jesus,” Bucky said, appalled, and Tony flinched a little. “I just—No wonder Natasha hired me.”

Tony blinked at him. “What.”

“Natasha, your lawyer?” Bucky replied, raising an eyebrow. “She hired me to protect you.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “Natasha didn’t tell me anything about you.”

“Yeah, that mighta been a secret,” Bucky said after a pause. “But man—you have your kid hiding in the closet in case someone comes after you. No wonder she texted me and told me to introduce myself to you.”

Tony stared at him warily, unable to help his disbelief. Why hadn’t Natasha told him about Bucky? Why hadn’t Steve?

“Listen,” Bucky sighed, rolling his eyes. “I can prove it. I’ll call Natasha and put it on speakerphone.”

“Auntie ‘tash!” Peter exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

Tony sputtered. “Wha—Peter, not every woman named Natasha is going to be your aunt!”

“What,” came Natasha’s sharp voice through the phone.

“Except this time she is,” Tony added, confused, as Peter cheered.

“Tony? Peter? Bucky what the—” There was a cough as Natasha caught herself. “…heck. I said introduce yourself to Tony, not spill that I hired you to be his long-distance bodyguard.”

“He had his kid in the closet,” Bucky replied, and Tony fought the urge to wilt. He wasn’t sorry for trying to protect his son, even if it sounded bad.

“Auntie ‘tash!” Peter exclaimed, leaning toward the phone, and Bucky gamely held the phone closer to him. “Auntie ‘tash, I was reawy quiet! As a mouse!”

Natasha’s voice softened into a deep, sweet coo. “Did you, darling? I’m so proud of you. You’re a good boy to listen to your daddy.”

Peter blushed and covered his face.

“Aw,” Tony said, smiling reluctantly. “What do we say when people compliment us baby?”

“Thank you,” Peter mumbled, embarrassed.

“Well,” Natasha said after a moment. “I wanted Bucky’s involvement to be secret for a while so he wouldn’t spook you or anything, but…” She sighed. “But I guess Stone spooked you more. Listen, Bucky’s good. He’s great. He hasn’t failed me yet and he’s not going to fail me now.”

“Yeah?” Tony asked skeptically.

“I’ll kill him myself if he fails,” Natasha told him seriously.

Tony stared at the phone. “…I think you’re a mafia don,” he decided.

Natasha snorted. “You always think I’m a mafia don. I’m not. I don’t have time to rule the criminal underworld.”

“It frightens me that that is the only reason why,” Tony admitted.

“Listen, I have a client meeting that started a few minutes ago. I should probably get to them since they’re paying me. If Stone leaves you anymore voicemails, send them to me,” she ordered sternly. “Especially if they’re threatening like the last one. Worst case scenario, I move in with you guys and commute.”

“Yaaaay!” Peter crowed, flailing. “Auntie ‘tash!”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, зайчик?” Natasha cooed. “Once this big dumb trial is over, I’m taking you and your daddy out on a picnic and stuffing you with sweets.”

Tony’s groan could just barely be heard under Peter’s cheering.

“Take care of them, Barnes, or I’m going to skin you alive,” Natasha added cheerfully.

Tony was appalled, but Bucky didn’t look fazed in the slightest.

“G’bye,” Bucky said, then hung up, and then thrust the plate of cookies at them again. “Please don’t make me eat these.”

“I don’t want them!” Tony exclaimed, before his manners caught up with him.

Peter grabbed two cookies and jammed one into his mouth. Then he let out a disgusted ‘bleh!’ and spit it out, dropping the other to the floor. He looked up at Bucky, betrayed.

“It’s not my fault!” Bucky defended immediately. “Steve didn’t want me to kill you with allergens!”

“You’ve made sad disks is what you’ve done,” Tony said, the corner of his lip quirking up. He took a cookie just so Bucky would stop looking so constipated and bit into it. “…This is the driest shit I’ve ever tasted.”

“The batter was awful, too,” Bucky admitted. He stared at the plate of cookies before turning it over, watching them fall to the ground. “Oh no, I’ve dropped them.”

Tony covered his mouth to hide his smile.

Peter pointed at him accusingly. “You did that on puwpose!”

Bucky seemed to ponder this. “…Yeah, but they tasted like dirt anyway.”

Peter pointed at him a moment longer before letting his hand fall, conceding reluctantly.

Bucky stared at him for a long time before he asked, “Do you have any allergies?”

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it when he realized he was talking to Peter. When Peter looked up at him unsurely, he quietly said, “You know your no-no foods, Peter.”

Peter nodded sharply and turned back to Bucky. “Twee nuts.”

“Tree nuts?” Bucky’s brow furrowed. “Glad I didn’t make peanut butter cookies then.”

“Oh, he can have peanut butter,” Tony cut in, bouncing Peter so he’d laugh, and smiling when Peter let out a happy shriek. “Peanuts are a ground nut. He can’t have nuts like walnuts, almonds, pecans. Can’t have pine nuts either. I tell you, my mother rolled over in her grave when I adopted a kid that can’t eat pesto.”

“Pwesto!” Peter exclaimed, throwing his hands up, then patted at Tony’s face. “Down, Daddy! Down!”

“Okay, okay,” Tony said, setting him down, and watched as Peter toddled off to the coffee table to continue their puzzle. Once sure that he was occupied, Tony turned back to Bucky, belatedly adding, “Oh, uh, did—did you wanna come inside?”

Bucky looked down at the cookies on the floor, then back up at him. “No.”

“Alright.” Tony stared up at him for a moment before he asked, “Are you really as good as Natasha thinks?”

“I taught her everything she knows,” Bucky began, then stopped himself. “I taught her most of the things she knows. The rest she developed to kill me and take my power.”

Tony giggled reluctantly. “That’s awful.”

“Well, she’s a lawyer.” Bucky fiddled with the plate, frowning down at his shoes, before looking back up at him. “Listen, I just—I want you to know, I’ve got your back. I’ve done this for years, even worked for Rumlow for a while, so I know what to expect from him. I’m gonna take care of you guys.” He glanced at Peter, turning the plate in circles in his hands. “You won’t have to hide your kid in a closet ever again.”

Tony flinched and turned to look at Peter again. Normal kids didn’t have to learn how to hide and be very quiet. Normal kids didn’t have to worry about someone other than their daddy grabbing them and taking them away. Peter deserved better. And he didn’t even know it.

“Hey,” Bucky said quietly. “You’re protecting your kid. I’m gonna protect both of you.” He reached out his hand, and Tony held his out dumbly, jumping when something cold was pressed to his palm. “You think you’re in immediate danger, you come over to hide. It’ll buy you some time. Steve knows and he’s ready for you. He stays home most days anyway. Okay?”

Tony stared at the key in his hand, then curled his trembling fingers over it. Who knew that when he’d served Tiberius with divorce papers, he’d have to go hide in his best friend’s neighbors’ house? God, he wished he could just go back and change everything.

“Hey,” Bucky said, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. As bad as this may sound, you’re not he first guy whose spouse is a complete psycho. I’ve worked a lot of these types o’ cases.”

That did make him feel better, in a strange way. Sometimes Tony felt like he was the crazy one, with the way Tiberius treated him, like he somehow deserved it. Logically, he knew that that wasn’t the case. He’d—he’d suffered a lot of gaslighting in the relationship. His therapist said so. (And it hurt to know that he’d needed a therapist to get away from Tiberius; that his therapist might need to testify on his behalf. He felt so weak, that he’d needed someone to tell him ‘you don’t deserve to be hit, Tony.’)

“I’ve got your back,” Bucky repeated, patting his shoulder, then turned to leave.

Tony sniffed and hurriedly wiped a tear from his cheek. “I hope—” He cleared his throat. “I hope you don’t have too many of those awful cookies left.”

Bucky looked pained. “I’m gonna make Stevie eat ‘em.”

Tony couldn’t help a laugh at the image that came to mind of Steve trying to choke down those dry-ass cookies.

  • James: So, which would you rather do: be locked in a cage with a wild tiger or lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot?
  • Peter: Oh, easy: peanut butter off a hobo's foot.
  • James: Why?
  • Peter: Because, I'm scared of tigers and I love peanut butter.
Newsies walmart headcanons
  • Spot and Race play Marco Polo across the entire store and everyone that works there knows them
  • Crutchie gets lost in the crafts sectionand stays there for while just looking at all the stuff and its potential
  • Jack steals the paint color strip things and buys copious amounts of hair dye that he will never get to use but likes the color
  • Davey has a wallet full of coupons and only has to pay like five dollars when he gets over two hundred dollars worth of stuff 
  • Les buys the entire toy section pretty much or he tries
  • Specs buys a bunch of reading glasses because he likes to have back ups
  • Spot buys bundles of everything oh he needs peanut butter ? better get the extra large bundle pack
  • Race buys board games out the kazoo and always gets a pack of playing cards no matter what hes there for
  • Skittery buys a bunch of hair products and gets those rolling pin things that curl your hair
  • Dutchy buys plants no matter what hes there for he just really likes plants
  • Bumlets gets a bunch of candy and will go there at ungodly hours and stare the employees down if they even start to ask him why
  • Itey will go to the womens section and giggle like a school girl 
  • Swifty stays in the athlets section mostly but has been caught buying ten buckets of ice cream once or twice
  • Finch buys a beta fish every time he goes cause he wants to set them free in a big tank he has 
  • Romeo buys flowers and Hallmark cards in bulk 

*me trying to fix the bar of pure gold i dropped unto the floor at my rich uncles house*

Oh SHIT ohh fuuucck nononononoonon fuck………. GAH wheres the peanut butter wheres the peanut butter!?!? OH FUCK this isnt working!!!!! the peanut butter just wont STICK!!

Imagine the first time Oliver had a craving for peanut butter post-breakup and realized he no longer had any reason not to eat it because he didn’t have to worry about Felicity’s allergy anymore.

Now imagine the first time Felicity saw Oliver eating peanut butter post-breakup.

Are you crying with me yet? No? Okay how about this?

“Is that peanut butter?” Felicity asked, her brow wrinkled in confusion as she watched him scoop a spoonful out of a jar.

Oliver spun to face her, plunking the spoon back into the mostly full container. “What?”

“Nothing, you just… you never eat peanut butter.”

“Oh,” he said, glancing awkwardly down at his snack before clearing his throat. “Yeah, I haven’t had it in a long time. I just had a craving and, you know, Susan isn't—”

He cut himself off, biting on his lip painfully to keep the words inside. She didn’t need to hear that. But from the sudden realization that crossed her face she’d gleaned the end of that sentence all on her own.

“She’s not allergic,” she said, looking at the jar with pinched lips and a sharp stinging in her chest. She knew she shouldn’t feel this way. It wasn’t fair, to either of them. It was just a stupid jar of peanut butter; it didn’t mean anything anyway, but…

“I don’t really like it that much,” he said suddenly and she looked back at him, at the repentant expression of his face.

“What?”

“The peanut butter,” he explained. “I guess I lost my taste for it. It’s okay, but it’s not as good as…” He trailed off, the words on the tip of his tongue. Other things. You. Instead he said, “as I remember.”

Are you crying now? Cause I’m crying now.