oh my gods they would tear each other apart like the flawless slytherins they are

audreysparker  asked:

top 5 (or 10 /whatever/) virtue/moir performances and maybe why (with links for my convenience please)

First of all, I’d like to thank you for giving me an impossible task over which I obsessed about for about a week. THANK YOU VIKTORIJA. 

I can’t even BEGIN to pick a favourite five of something I love so much, so I did a favourite 15 (AHAHAHAH OH GOD) and these are the first 5 of that bunch in no particular order. See if you like these, and if you do I could do another 5?

Secondly, this is going to be A BIG FUCK OFF POST. (thank god I don’t gif otherwise I’d be here for 5 years good lord)

Thirdly, FD stands for Free Dance, and SD stands for Short Dance (just to clarify things). Their most famous lift is called ‘The Goose’.
What else should I mention?
The edge is the angle the blade makes on the ice. The closer the side of the booth to the ice, the sharper the angle the blade makes, the deeper is the edge and the better is the skater.
This sport is a crap pile of stupid rules and laws and it’s codified almost to a joke, so they have to have a certain amount of certain elements, lifts, footwork, dance holds and stuff, they almost count how many times they inhale per program, and they get deductions if she doesn’t grab her skate when she’s on his shoulder within his first rotation, they get deductions if he spins her for too many spins, holds her for too many seconds, does too few rotations on a combination spin, if she drops something, if she sneezes, basically if they breathe wrong, they get a deduction.
Consider the judging system like Snape, the ISU like the Ministry of Magic under Umbridge, and Tessa & Scott like two Gryffindors.(except it wouldn’t work because Tessa is totally a Slytherin, but LET’S PRETEND FOR A SECOND).
The Kiss & Cry is the area where they await for they scores after they skate. Also, in the ice skating world, they are like fucking rock stars. They are the Mick Jagger of figure skating. Just to put things in perspective. 

Fourthly, these are all from Worlds, because that’s when they peak in the season and it always ends up being their best skate (unless it’s Olympic season, in that case Worlds is postponed and they peak at the Olympics) but, full disclosure, none of these skates (apart from Vancouver obviously) won them the World championship title, BUT BUT BUT that doesn’t mean they aren’t the best ice dancers in the world. Because they are. 

Fifthly and lastly, DISCLAIMER: these are just my personal opinions and I am no skating expert. All my impressions come from the heart and are consequences of all the feels they make me feel (which are a lot)


Umbrellas of Cherbourg, FD Worlds 2008
This song and this program bring me to my knees.
It’s like they’re made of water and they just swirl around, changing holds a million times, just carving the ice around each other.
Like they’re made of magnets and they always go back to each other even when they are mirroring (rather than in dance hold, meaning they are not matching but doing the opposite movement).
It’s just not the crazy lifts and the intricate footwork and the speed of their twizzles or the depth of their edges. They are all of that, but not quite just all of that.
It’s about his hand at the nape of her neck, her smile, how he guides her by the small of her back, how they use every note of the song within the circle of each other’s arms, how they feel the song in their knees and their gentle rise and fall as they glide.
It’s joyous and graceful and tender like only first love can be, and they are so beautiful it’s blinding.
Please watch the Eurosport version as well, so you can hear Simon and Nicky murmur things like ‘that was a diagonal step sequence and you wouldn’t even know it they are skating SUPERBLY’ like they couldn’t bloody believe their eyes. (lol the other couldn’t even speak he was so spellbound. Bless.)
Their favourite thing to say about T&S is how difficult what they do is and how easy they make it look. Umbrellas is so flawless that it looks like a stroll in the park and it took them years and years of tears and blood to get there, don’t let them fool ya. That’s how good they are. 


  • They are flawless.
  • The almost kiss in slow mo at the end
  • The song (don’t watch the movie/stage version. It will break your heart)

Hip Hip Chin Chin, FD Worlds 2011
OMFG. Like, I’ve literally watched this 2k times. Not even kidding. OBSESSED.
The way they look at each other like they want to take a bite. How gorgeous they are. The stupid crazy lifts from Mahler and Farrucas like, she’s climbing his kidneys wrapping around his back while he’s on one foot, WHAT EVEN.
THE OPENING and that stop and go thing when she throws him away like a Super Sayan, and the way they transition in and out of everything and DIANA KRALL AWWW YISSSS. (I have seen Diana Krall live. Her whiskey voice would strip you of your underwear faster than you can say HOLY CRAPPOLA IS IT ME OR IT’S HOT IN THIS ICE PALACE.)
I lose my shit over this skate. He’s GOT to have the palm of his hand over her skin at all times. He’s GOT to have his eyes on her at all times, even if she’s looking away, he almost doesn’t look where he’s going, his nose at her temple, his fingers on her naked back, I’m pretty sure he’s singing at the Temptation bit.
Not bad for someone who missed a whole year of competitions and just learned how to walk again (also WHO DOES LATIN DANCES AS THEIR FD OMFG YOU CRAZY KIDS)
Once again, listen to the Eurosport comment as well. They are so speechless they can’t even disturb their performance apart from a delighted exclamation here and there about how freaking difficult what they’re doing is, and they really want to drive this point home to the viewers. And how sexy they both are. LOL. They actually called it ‘almost x-rated stuff’.


  • The Korean commentators going OOOHH and AAAH
  • Tessa’s perfect everything
  • Their little shimmies in Mujer Latina. UGH. 
  • He leads. Like, he LEADS. No buts or maybes. She’s always a fraction of a second ahead of where he wants her, but he’s leading her there. That’s why they are dancers before they are skaters.
  • Her golden skin in that golden dress. Unf.
  • Circular twizzles!
  • The Kiss & Cry. He doesn’t look that pleased, but all he says is good job, I’m proud of you. Over and over again. MARINA’S FACE AT THE SCORE. The way he blindingly looks for Tessa’s hands and squeezes. The way they all end up in a group hug and while he’s distracted thanking Marina, Tessa rests her head on his back. ‘ALEX AND MAIA!!11ONE!!’ lol. Idiots. 

Night & Day, SD Worlds 2011
This program is all about Tessa’s face and Tessa’s movements and Tessa complementing Scott in every way, for me.
I can’t look anywhere else. Love the dress, love the music, love the proper old school ballroom dance shtick.
The million holds they change. Seriously just don’t watch their feet, look at how many times they change hold and count them. 
Their waltz is beautiful but ooh boy their tango. THEIR TANGO. When she slides off his leg unnnf.
Here’s the Eurosport link, because they use words like SCINTILLATING to describe their skating, and how can we blame them. Again, they don’t talk much during the skate because they are just letting T&S’s skating speak for itself, but sometimes one just has to exclaim a polite and incredulous WTF??? noise when one is in the presence of ice dance royalty dashing by at top speed doing incredible stuff on blades.


  • The diagonal step sequence. 
  • The movement she does with her arm at 0:57, which I call the Tessa Flail and it’s something so..so..HER I can’t even explain. She does it every year in some program or other.
  • The ending pose. I’m blinded by how gorgeous she is, I’m not even gonna pretended I’m looking at him (soz Scotty). She’s a moonbeam. I can’t even. And then he puts his hand on her face and I’m like oh there you are Scott sorry, I didn’t see you. 
  • How close they skate, as Nicky and Simon said ‘almost too close’, if you watch their feet it’s ridiculous how their skates don’t get tangled together, there’s that inch that saves them but come on, it’s not normal. 
  • The Kiss & Cry. The banter about how he can wear ties now and look like a man because he learned how to tie them by himself, and she kisses him and she complains he’s sweaty like an old married couple. And then she giggles. Good lord. And he looks at the score and looks at Marina and he doesn’t know what it means lol. Silly boy. 

Carmen, FD Worlds 2013
Carmen is (simplifying) all about Jose’s violence on Carmen.
How he can’t control her, so he kills her.
But THEIR Carmen, oh no sir no.
It’s not about that. It’s about how Carmen is in control and he’s lost in her. No red skirts and flowers in her chignon and gypsy makeup, this Carmen will not lose her life because she scorned a man.
This Carmen will drive Don Jose to madness and oblivion, and she WILL bring him to his knees.
He doesn’t kill her, he surrenders to her. She’s the one standing, looking straight at the camera, and he’s the one bent and broken and desperately clinging at her. (because let’s face it, Jose is a whiney, spineless, gutless crybaby who makes some poor ass decisions and blames them on his dick. So, no sympathy from me there.)
The transition between the lust and the angst, the sweetness and the romantic, then back to the angst, it’s like kryptonite for me.
That vertical lift, like she weights nothing in his arms, but it’s really all her core keeping her balanced on half an arm and part of his hip.
The last rotational lift, and the crowd reaction to it. They exploded. I mean, she back flips then goes head first on the ice, roundhouse kicks her way on his shoulder, rights herself up, puts her crotch in his face for good measure, grabs his hand, throws herself backwards coming completely off his shoulder so she’s literally hanging in there by hail marys and one of his hands, he stops her falling backwards with his other arm then keeps her suspended horizontally while his centripital force pulls her towards him and her centrifugal force pulls her away in this ballet of crazyness (PHYSICS, SON. ICE DANCING FOR SCIENCE), then he puts her down easy as you please and they go in their closing lift.
And yeah, the final lift, with her wrapped around him like a lusty koala, visibly exhausted, and he’s not letting her go, she’s trapped but she’s not tamed, she’s still Carmen and she’s wild and dangerous and he goes on his knees for her.
Tracy Wilson can’t find the words. Danny and Charlie Moir in the stands, red in the faces. (oh hello Cassandra, I almost forgot about you lol). Joannie and Patrick watching their friends compete.


  • “Enjoy and remember”. Their whole starting speech: “It’s just us, me and you. Let’s have a good time, let’s enjoy it, let’s just do it for us (HE BITES IT. HE BITES THE WORDS, HE BELIEVES IN THEM SO MUCH) it’s gonna be me and you out there”. 
  • Her wink, we ARE going to have a good time.
  • The noise of the crowd. The sea of yellow Virtue/Moir sweatshirts in the stands. 
  • The things Scott does here that he didn’t really do in this season: his nose in her hair, his left hand on her hip gripping so hard I hope she doesn’t bruise easily.
  • He’s talking to her constantly, throughout. Watch him closely. In the slow mo, he tells her where he his before the lift, she can’t see him and she’s throwing herself backwards at him so he says ‘I’m here’.
  • The Kiss & Cry. He’s happy and he doesn’t care about the score, and she immediately goes ‘me too’. And again he goes, ‘I don’t know what it means’. Fucking hell Moir, Kaitlyn Weaver can tell she got second place by 5 hundredths of a point and you can’t tell where you are on the board at any given time for 16 years straight?? What is wrong with you lol TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR.

Symphony n5, FD Vancouver 2010
We talked about Vancouver ad nauseam, I know.
And Vancouver is imperfect.
They fucked it up at the end, they probably did better at Worlds over all.
But Vancouver for me is not about their skate, as much as it’s about them being one on the ice. After two years of almost destroying their connection, they got their shit together just in time to give to the world this technically demanding and artistically challenging program.
For me, Vancouver is about the way he presents her on the ice, the way he physically connects with her caressing her with his hands and his eyes, the way they keep saying hi to each other (watch this higher quality, no commentary different angle), it’s about how the first thing that came to his mind afterwards was to say thank you.
It’s how at the end, after 14 years trying to get to this point and finally being at that point, after all is said and done, he nods, she nods back, he opens her arms as in to say ‘take it in, it’s your once in a lifetime moment, soak it up’, and she grins and looks around and nods but you can tell that all she’s waiting to do is fall into his arms (side note: I don’t understand those competitions where they put separate chairs at kiss & crys, don’t they understand that after a skate the pairs and the dancers need to be together, they need to hug it out, they need the release of being a team? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HUMAN CONTACT AND TEAM SPORTS?)
It’s about the technical elements and the perfect twizzles, the goose, the insane speed and the ethereal, blinding light they emanated just as much as it’s about his mum Alma crying hugging his cousin Cara, and his dad Joe clapping like a drunken seal in the stands and Charlie and Danny body lifting their Olympic champion little brother up by his arms, while Tessa watches and laughs her ass off.
It’s about how they spent the rest of the Olympics glued together and were inseparable throughout the whole experience and all the other events they watched, even if she was in constant pain and they were thrown to the media like shark bait.


  • To quote the immortal words of Adam Rippon, ‘UGH THEY LOOK LIKE A FAIRYTALE’. Exactly, my friend (wait whut, I don’t know him).
  • The camera is in love with Tessa, and I think half the world fell in love with her that night. *raises hand*
  • Their reaction at the Kiss & Cry. “we just won the Olympics!”. Yes you did, baby girl. Yes you did. 
  • Tracy Wilson can’t even finish her sentence about how elegant and graceful they were before Moir throws himself belly first on the boards. Dumbass.
  • Tanith & Ben and Domnina & Shabalin looking like prehistoric birds in their silly, flappy costumes, having to skate after Tessa & Scott, who were blinding like the white hot heart of a star going nova, simple black pants, some shiny studs on her bodice, pearls at her ears, blushing bride powder on her cheeks, floppy boyish scoundrel hair for him, elegant messy bun for her. This is how you bring it to the Olympics. You bring it and you lay it all on the ice and you leave it there, for the generations to come.
  • Them, just looking at each other. Safe in their bubble, forever protected, forever together. 

That’s it.

This said, I could go on for half a week about all the different ways in which they hold hands, and the reckless way he stamps kisses on her face/cheeks/forehead/temple/hair/wherever he can reach like an overexcited puppy, and the precise and devastating way she blinks up at him behind the fake eyelashes and the heavy make up.

So don’t tempt me. :P