oh my god why is this on my facebook

Dating Taehyung (V) would include

- your parents kinda looking at you a little funky when you brought him home to meet them, your dad kinda like….is he aight tho

- over dramatic Taehyung whenever he ate yours or your mothers cooking, “oh my god, oh my god, get my phone, call namjoon” “what Taehyung why u okay???” “This pasta is….its….so….good.” “…..”

- him changing his name in ya goddamn phone every day, and your wallpaper, but it’s just him, you look at your Instagram profile, it’s him too, and your Facebook? It’s him again. Don’t give your phone to this boy.

- Taehyung dressing you up, like you’d be tired from a long day at work and he comes in trying to make you feel better by dolling you up and making you drinks and it kind of works

- Taehyung putting more alcohol than he should because he doesn’t know how to properly mix drinks so he just throws it together and then you’re drunk trying to sing Christmas songs in English and he’s calling namjoon like “fucking help I don’t know what I did” while you try to put in your the grinch who stole Christmas box set

- Taehyung rubbing your head and combing his fingers through your hair while you softly fell asleep in his lap, 45 minutes into the grinch and chill

- Jimin coming everywhere with you, like you’re all pumped to go out to eat with Taehyung but then Jimin is there with his mom sunglasses and backpack more hyped than you are

- Taehyung trying to constantly get you to film some videos on the v app with him, but you’re too shy so he kind of just pouts at you until you agree and instantly regret it because how the frick do you handle this alien on live TV without flicking him

- him picking you up in early morning hours when your bangs are still in your curler to watch the sunrise with you in this abandoned field, while he unknowingly takes pictures of a still half asleep you drinking the coffee had bought you, giggling when you miss the straw like 3 times

- the rest of bts kinda wondering how you fit with him so well? He’s by himself on the personality spectrum but like with you his personality just fits in so well with you that it kind of amazes them

- Taehyung the type to not finish what he started, like y'all will be kissing it up on the couch and shit will get heavy and you’re about to reach for his shirt but then he’s like omg! I have practice! Gtgtgtgtg

- he also the type to send you sweaty pics of him in the practice room mirror with dumbass captions like, ‘workin hard or hardly workin ;)“

- honestly, you the type to pounce on him the second he walks back in the door though, then his slightly oblivious ass connects two and two and makes you forget your name for about an hour

- this boy…. His love would be, I don’t even know how to explain it, neither would you, or him. It’s just special, like y'all fit so good together and you can’t make sense of it but being with him would feel so fucking great that you wouldn’t even question it, y'all would just love each other.

ENFJ & INFJ.      How friendship works.   [personal experience]
  • ENFJ and INFJ are chatting on Facebook.
  • ENFJ: Oh my god *sends a link with something very emotional*
  • INFJ: *holds tears back* WHY WOULD YOU SEND THIS TO ME. Oh my god this is so sad, apdgkldjdfh..
  • INFJ: ....
  • INFJ: *sends a similarly emotional link back a while later*
  • ENFJ: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO BEAUTIFULLY SAD I HATE YOU seriously why would you even do this to me?!?! Serio-
  • ENFJ: Hold on..
  • ENFJ: *sends another link*
  • INFJ: .....
  • ENFJ: We are the only ones who understand
  • ENFJ: We're bound to torture each other

oh my god this 52 year old pagan who used to be my neighbor is on facebook on a picture i cross posted from insta asking me why i cover my hair and she’s like “is it a new religion, or a bad haircut or what?” and i’m like… already down 5 points on my patience scale, y’all. 

so then i reply “no new religion lol it’s the same one i’ve had for about 2 years now” and of course she asks what religion it is, it’s here that she also says i can switch to a private message if i want. like…. so… you knew… this entire time… that you were being nosy and invasive with your questions but instead of just sending me a private message….. you wait until things feel a little awkward before you invite ME to private message YOU to continue a conversation YOU fucking started. what fucking twilight zone bullshit

and then i’m like “hellenic polytheism” and she—the 52 year old pagan who is licensed as a clergy person in the state of ohio says “is that wicca?”

for those that don’t understand the punchline here… she just asked me if my religion, which is literally thousands of years old and has writings that date back to 800 bce… is the same thing as wicca… which is a religion that isn’t even 100 years old. also, i should mention that i find this question truly hilarious because SHE!! IS!! WICCAN!! and was the high priestess of her local coven at one point in time like if hellenic polytheism was an alternative name for wicca wouldn’t you be the first to know??

“Here, look at this photo. It’s so cute. My kid pretended he was gardening yesterday.”

I think I might institute a new rule for when I’m dealing with parents.

If you want to show me a photo of your kid, first think: would it be weird if you showed me a photo of your adult siblings or one of your co-workers doing the same thing? (And if it would be… please don’t.)

“Here, look. That’s my brother in the bath. Isn’t he sweet with his plastic boat? He lives in Surrey - he’s in marketing. Good job there’s all those bubbles! Tee hee!”

“Do you want to see my photos of Alan from Accounts? Look, here he is in a bobble hat! … and that’s him in the bobble hat again… and from a different angle! Isn’t he great? Why aren’t you looking?”

“Oh my God, look - look what my friend just posted on Facebook! It’s her husband pretending to drive a van. Oh my God. I can’t even. Look, there’s a six minute video. Let’s watch it together.”

EXO When They Wake Up With a Hangover

Kind of a part two of a reaction I did ages ago. ouo

Baekhyun: *looks in mirror and sees eyeliner is smudged* OH FUCK ME

*checks drawers* WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL MY EYELINER GO?!

Chanyeol: *finds eyeliner in drawer* Oh god, he’s going to murder me.

Chen: *finds video on facebook of him swinging on a chandelier*

I’m never drinking again.

D.O: *wakes up and sees pentagram on wall* Oops.

Kai: *feels collar around neck* What the..?

*reads ‘PERVERT’* Jesus christ

Lay: *is completely and utterly lost* Why do I have a headache…?

Luhan: *in Sehun’s bed* Did we…?

Sehun: *from floor* Ew, no. You can’t afford this booty.

Luhan: Then why am-

Sehun: You pushed me out of my own damn bed just so you could sleep in it.

Luhan: Oh..

Suho: *wonders where wallet is*

Tao: Where’s Kris-ge?

Kris: *disgusted look* Is that…? On Ace….?

Xiumin: *severe stomach ache* Shouldn’t have eaten that.

Should NOT have eaten that.

Meanwhile, on a facebook chat.

My friend : OMG I HAAATE FLOWERS !!!

Me : … You’ve just finish undertale, haven’t you ?

My friend : YES ! I was so sure of it ! I just spare the King and then this flower show up and close the game ! God I’m pissed against all the flowers of the world ! At least it’s over.

Me : … Please tell me you tried to relaunch the game. 

My friend : Why ? It’s important ? 

Me : OH. MY. GOD. I’M GONNA COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SLAP YOU ! JUST LAUNCH THE GAME ! NOW !

BTS - I NEED U (Teaser)
  • Me: oh let me just check facebook-
  • Me: *sees BTS's teaser on newsfeed*
  • Me: oh no
  • Me: 'TIS A GOOD DAY TO DIE
  • Me: fuck I- fuck, just press the button-
  • Me: *presses play*
  • Me: why does bighit's intro seem so long today
  • Me: *music starts* OH MY NAMJESUS
  • Me: Jin oh god
  • Me: oh god Hoseok don't rub your lip
  • Me: oh god jungkook did you just get hotter-
  • Me: NOOOOOO THEY NEED ME?!
  • Me: ugh this song
  • Me: WHY DOES THIS SOUND SO FUCKING GOOD?
  • Me: i'm supposed to be sad but my heart-
  • Me: OH MEH GET, TAEHYUNG, MY HEARTEU, MY HEARTEU IS-
  • Me: Yoongi do u need me there i'll come sleep next to you
  • Me: Namjoon is that a cigarette-?!
  • Me: lol never mind it's a lollipop
  • Me: Oh Jimin- that's so intense- wait a minute.
  • Me: JIMIN SINGING HIGH NOTES WHAT IS LIFE
  • Me: okay seven in a single shot and my feels are fucking shot
  • Me: no... don't cry, Seokjin...
  • Me: Jimin... why are you so intense...
  • Me: I am bursting into flames like that piece of paper, how accurate, they're burning us up...
  • Me: it's over... no...
  • Me: *flips tables*
  • Me: *kicks the chair*
  • Me: HOW DARE BANGTAN HYPE UP THIS COMEBACK
  • Me: *sobs while making dying whale noises*
  • Me: Bangtan needs me NO I FUCKING NEED THEM
  • Me: I am not ready for this comeback.
  • My cousin: *scrolling through facebook* Oh my god, I can't even believe what's going through Zayn's mind right now...
  • Me: Why...?
  • My cousin: His new name is naughty boy!
  • Me: ...No it's not... That's a producer or whatever the hell he is...
  • My cousin: Yeah... I knew that... Whatever.

Oh my god the chat works in the app too

hashtag blessed

Also everybody I just infected: let’s all agree to not expect instant responses to chat, let’s not be parents on Facebook like “honey why did you not comment on my minion memes do you not love me”

oh my god why do i bother arguing with uneducated idiots on facebook about nutrition 

i was trying to help out a friend who is trying to lose weight and all of her other friends jumped on my case when i tried to help her out the healthy way 

“um fasting is good for weight loss because people in hot countries fast during the day because you can’t digest food when it’s hot out”

???

“you should cut out all sugar because sugar is fat. don’t eat greek yogurt or fruit.”

???

“i watched a documentary on sugar so i am more of an expert than you, person with actual qualifications, education and certifications”

?????????????????????????????