Sleep is a precious thing.
This may not quite be a revenge story as there was no sole perpetrator whom was targeted. Rather that I simply got tired of being awoken at 6:00am. Either way, I couldn’t find an appropriate sub to put this in, so here we are.
During my college years, I lived in a small town that had two main landmarks: the university I attended, and a Latter Day Saints training camp/church.
The town’s residents consisted entirely of College Frat boys, Retirees, and LDS. For the most part, It’s a very nice town to live in, I wouldn’t hesitate one moment to move back, but there were a few small things that bugged me.
The most notable of these was that my condo was only a block away from the LDS church, which meant that roughly twice a week, my doorbell would go off at about 6am. Now I am not a racist or religionist, however I am a sleepist - anybody who wakes me up unnecessarily is bound to find that out very quickly.
Sadly, this chain continued through my first semester of college. Being that I was working a full-time job while attending full-time college, I had very little time to spare. Getting more than 4 hours of sleep in a night was my version of sleeping in.
So you can understand that the doorbells at 6am quickly became an unacceptable nuscience. It was time to put a stop to this nonsense.
At first I posted signs. Nobody read them.
I disabled the doorbell. They knocked.
I put up two signs. They still ignored them.
I photoshopped satanist paraphanalia and pasted it up on the windows at the front of the house. That only fueld them more to “show us the light”
I parked my car to block the pathway to the house. They climbed over the bushes.
I called and filed complaints with the church. My words were ignored.
Finally, I’d had enough. I pulled my roommate into a meeting and we plotted. We plotted real hard.
Tuesday morning, we were prepared, and like clockwork, only a few minutes after 6am, there was a knock on the door.
I opened the door shirtless. I had blood all over me, and was carrying a knife and the leg of a Boar that my roomate had recently shot on a hunting trip. The LDS boys were shocked, but were determined to talk to us, so I invited them in. They walked into our living room, We had our satanist paraphernalia plastered to the walls, and even had a fake human skull hanging from the ceiling fan. On the television, we were playing a hard-core porno with the speakers turned up quite loudly.
The boy’s sat, and I offered them some glasses of vodka. They declined. I took two shots.
- Viper: So what I can I do for you two?
- LDS: We are here to talk to you about Jesus
- Viper: Who?
- LDS: Our savior Jesus.
- Viper: I’m not good at Spanish, but i think you are pronouncing it wrong.
- LDS: Jesus, the son of god!
- Viper: Oh! I see. Hold on, let me get my husband, hes fascinated about this kind of thing.
Important note: I am a straight male.
I stand up and walk down the hall to the bathroom, where my roomate is currently hiding.
- Viper: Dear! The boys want to talk to you
- Roomate: Right now?
- Viper: Yeah, they want to talk about Jeezes
- Roomate: Cant I finish?
- Viper: I dont want them to be waiting.
- Roomate: Fine…
The bathroom door opens, and my roomate steps out. He is completely nude, except for shaving cream covering one-half of his nether-regions. The effect was that he was half-way through.
He steps out into the living room, and with a voice that would make Richard Simmons seem straight says:
- Roomate: Oh Haiiiiiiiii
The look of shock on the boy’s faces was priceless.
- LDS: Um, we can come back if you guys are…
- Roomate: Nonsense! Tell me about this cheesus
- LDS: Uh.. okay…
Roughly an hour went by, my nude roomate interrogating the boys as I continued to slaughter/clean a Boar on the kitchen table while intently watching the boys make nevous glances at the skull, porno, and the door.
Finally, we let them go and cleaned ourselves up. We had to steam-clean the floor later to get the blood-stains out, but it was totally worth it.
We had 2 whole years of uninterrupted sleep.