oh my god my nether regions

Sleep is a precious thing.

This may not quite be a revenge story as there was no sole perpetrator whom was targeted. Rather that I simply got tired of being awoken at 6:00am. Either way, I couldn’t find an appropriate sub to put this in, so here we are.

During my college years, I lived in a small town that had two main landmarks: the university I attended, and a Latter Day Saints training camp/church.

The town’s residents consisted entirely of College Frat boys, Retirees, and LDS. For the most part, It’s a very nice town to live in, I wouldn’t hesitate one moment to move back, but there were a few small things that bugged me.

The most notable of these was that my condo was only a block away from the LDS church, which meant that roughly twice a week, my doorbell would go off at about 6am. Now I am not a racist or religionist, however I am a sleepist - anybody who wakes me up unnecessarily is bound to find that out very quickly.

Sadly, this chain continued through my first semester of college. Being that I was working a full-time job while attending full-time college, I had very little time to spare. Getting more than 4 hours of sleep in a night was my version of sleeping in.

So you can understand that the doorbells at 6am quickly became an unacceptable nuscience. It was time to put a stop to this nonsense.

At first I posted signs. Nobody read them.

I disabled the doorbell. They knocked.

I put up two signs. They still ignored them.

I photoshopped satanist paraphanalia and pasted it up on the windows at the front of the house. That only fueld them more to “show us the light”

I parked my car to block the pathway to the house. They climbed over the bushes.

I called and filed complaints with the church. My words were ignored.

Finally, I’d had enough. I pulled my roommate into a meeting and we plotted. We plotted real hard.

Tuesday morning, we were prepared, and like clockwork, only a few minutes after 6am, there was a knock on the door.

I opened the door shirtless. I had blood all over me, and was carrying a knife and the leg of a Boar that my roomate had recently shot on a hunting trip. The LDS boys were shocked, but were determined to talk to us, so I invited them in. They walked into our living room, We had our satanist paraphernalia plastered to the walls, and even had a fake human skull hanging from the ceiling fan. On the television, we were playing a hard-core porno with the speakers turned up quite loudly.

The boy’s sat, and I offered them some glasses of vodka. They declined. I took two shots.

  • Viper: So what I can I do for you two?
  • LDS: We are here to talk to you about Jesus
  • Viper: Who?
  • LDS: Our savior Jesus.
  • Viper: I’m not good at Spanish, but i think you are pronouncing it wrong.
  • LDS: Jesus, the son of god!
  • Viper: Oh! I see. Hold on, let me get my husband, hes fascinated about this kind of thing.

Important note: I am a straight male.

I stand up and walk down the hall to the bathroom, where my roomate is currently hiding.

  • Viper: Dear! The boys want to talk to you
  • Roomate: Right now?
  • Viper: Yeah, they want to talk about Jeezes
  • Roomate: Cant I finish?
  • Viper: I dont want them to be waiting.
  • Roomate: Fine…

The bathroom door opens, and my roomate steps out. He is completely nude, except for shaving cream covering one-half of his nether-regions. The effect was that he was half-way through.

He steps out into the living room, and with a voice that would make Richard Simmons seem straight says:

  • Roomate: Oh Haiiiiiiiii

The look of shock on the boy’s faces was priceless.

  • LDS: Um, we can come back if you guys are…
  • Roomate: Nonsense! Tell me about this cheesus
  • LDS: Uh.. okay…

Roughly an hour went by, my nude roomate interrogating the boys as I continued to slaughter/clean a Boar on the kitchen table while intently watching the boys make nevous glances at the skull, porno, and the door.

Finally, we let them go and cleaned ourselves up. We had to steam-clean the floor later to get the blood-stains out, but it was totally worth it.

We had 2 whole years of uninterrupted sleep.

Lostcauses Fic: Chrome

This is for @flecksofpoppy​ who pointed out that while there’s plenty of fan art of those leggings, they really deserve some fic.  Also for @fullmetallizard​ and anyone else who has grown to love Levi Ackerman’s fabulous fashion disaster.


“You’re not going out wearing that!”

Levi gapes at his flatmate aghast.

“Wearing what?”  Petra’s looks down at herself, nose scrunching into a little frown.

“That!” Levi waves his hand vaguely in his friend’s direction.

“You mean these?”  Petra peers at her shiny silver leggings, frown turning into something a bit more apprehensive.  “Why? Do they make my ass look big?” She cranes her head over her shoulder in an unsuccessful attempt to see her petite bottom.

“What the fuck? You’ve barely got an ass!”

“What’s wrong then?”

“Looks like something a twelve year old girl would wear.”  

“No it doesn’t!” Petra huffs.  “I’ll have you know this jacket came from a chi chi little boutique in the West End and the leggings are from a really cool Japanese outlet online.”

“I don’t care where they’re from,” Levi snorts dismissively, “I’m not going out with you looking like that.”

“And who made you the fashion police all of a sudden?”  Petra pouts, sticking her chin out defiantly.

“Just saying…”

“Just jealous more like.”  Petra sniffs haughtily.

Keep reading

BTS reactions to you not being able to walk in the morning

If you know what I mean ;)

Jin:

When you woke up in the morning, Jin was already awake. He was lying down, facing you, and a big grin spread across his face when he remembered what had gone down in the bedroom last night (read: you). You playfully hit him with a pillow and sat up straight, stretching your arms before attempting to get out of bed. Only, you couldn’t. Your smile turned into a grimace as you put pressure on your legs. “What’s up, Jagi?” Jin asked, noticing your discomfort. “I…I don’t think I can walk,” you said, shocked. “You what?” Jin said, barely managing to hide his giggle. “You can’t laugh, Jin! I literally can’t get out of bed. This is your fault,” you replied, half joking, half being totally serious. When Jin realized just how sore you actually were, he quickly told you to lie back down and ran to the kitchen. He came back ten minutes later with a pile of pancakes and handed it to you. “I’m really really sorry, Jagi. I never meant to hurt you,” he apologized. He then proceeded to turn the TV in your room on and grabbed a movie. Once you had finished your breakfast you curled up close to Jin who stroked your hair while you watched the movie. You knew from Jin’s actions just how genuinely sorry he was for hurting you, and you forgave him quickly.

Originally posted by jinful


Yoongi:

You woke up before Yoongi and planned on getting up to have a shower before he did, as he always took super long in the shower. You pulled off your covers and stood up quickly, but a sharp pain shot through your waist to in between your legs, causing your legs to become jelly. You fell forward onto the carpet, thankfully catching yourself with your arms before you hit your head. Turning on your side, you stared down at your legs for a second before you realized why you couldn’t walk. Then you stared up at your boyfriend, the person who had done this to you, and whom was still sleeping! Groaning, you pulled yourself back up onto the bed and curled into a ball, making sure to pull the covers off Yoongi in the process. “Hey!” He said, eventually waking up from the cold air on his body. “I would say good morning, but it hasn’t been good considering I nearly hit my head on the floor,” you replied. Yoongi stared at you for a minute before chuckling. “See, I knew you were clumsy!” He laughed. “No, I couldn’t stand up. There was this sharp pain down below,” you said before adding, “because of you last night.” Yoongi laughed even harder again this time. “Oh, come on, Y/N. You know I never meant to hurt you. Besides, from what you were saying last night, you enjoyed me pounding into you,” he smirked. “Yoongi!” You cried, glaring at him before pretending to be mad. “Ah, Y/N, so petty,” he commented. When you didn’t reply, he grabbed your waist and pulled you into him, settling himself into the crook of your neck. “Don’t be mad,” Yoongi whispered in a voice so husky that he could have ran over your grandma and told you it was an accident and you would still believe him.

Originally posted by tabwi


Hoseok:

“Jagiya, come on, you’re going to be late!” Your boyfriend called, rushing in and out of your bedroom like he had been doing for the past half hour while you frantically shielded yourself from the light with your sheets. You let out a groan that sounded like a cross between “kill me now” and “five more minutes”. “Y/N you have to be at work in literally twenty minutes, and you’re not even out of bed yet,” Hoseok commented before ripping the duvet from your face. You peered up at him through sleepy eyes and groaned again, hitting him on the shoulder for taking away your blankets. “Right, up you get,” Hoseok said, grabbing you by your arms and hoisting you up. You let out a cry at the sudden movement and tried to place your feet on the ground, only a burning sensation in your “nether regions” caused you to fall right into Hoseok. “You’re supposed to use your legs, Y/N,” he chuckled. He started to lean away and walk you backwards but stopped when you let out a loud yelp of pain. “Oh my gosh, stop stop stop,” you cried, managing to fall back down onto the bed. “Jagi, are you alright?” Hoseok asked, his amused expression quickly being replaced by worry. “There is no way I can go to work today. I can’t even stand up properly,” you sighed. “Is this my fault? Oh my god, it is, isn’t it? From last night? I’m so so so sorry! Y/N, why didn’t you tell me to stop?” He rushed, sitting down beside you on the bed. “Because, it was fine at the time. It was good. I-” You were cut off by your boyfriend who quickly stood up and pulled out his phone. “Hobi, what are you doing?” You asked. “I’m calling into work to say I can’t come in today,” he replied. “What, why?” Was your response. “Because, you clearly can’t look after yourself in this state - you can’t even walk for god’s sake!” Hoseok laughed at your foolishness before lying your down and propping up your pillows and rushing off to get some movies for you two to watch.

Originally posted by jinful


Namjoon:

When you woke up in the morning, you tried to get up and go about your day like usual but you couldn’t. Every time you tried to get out of bed, you legs would fail you and you’d just end up falling back down onto the mattress. At first you had thought you’d somehow managed to paralyze yourself during the night, but once glance at your sleeping boyfriend made you think otherwise. And suddenly you remembered the cause of your pain. Although you wanted to hit Namjoon with a pillow, you knew there wasn’t much you could do about it - it was all in the past and you would just have to get over it. So you curled back up in the sheets and soon fell asleep. No longer than twenty minutes later were you woken up by your boyfriend yelling, “Y/N, get up you lazy sloth!” and ripping the covers off you. “Hey!” You cried, sitting up straight before recalling the pain in your body. “Ow. I’m not going to work today,” you said. “What? why not?” Namjoon asked, handing you back the blanket. “Because of what you did to me last night! I can barely walk!” Namjoon just chuckled, causing you to groan. “Don’t you feel at least a bit sorry for me? Not even a little bit apologetic?” You questioned. “Well, last night you were begging for it,” Namjoon smirked. “Hey!” You cried again, actually hitting him with a pillow this time. “Okay, okay, I’ll call work and say I can’t come in today. But if you’re still sore tomorrow, well you’re on your own,” Namjoon laughed, jumping beside you in bed and pulling you close to him. “Thank you, Joonie,” you smiled. “Don’t mention it.”

Originally posted by kppoptrash


Jimin: 

“Jagi, wake up,” Jimin whispered, softly shaking you awake. You groaned, but offered him a small smile when his makeup-free face was the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes. “What time is it?” You asked, pulling Jimin down by his waist into bed with you, causing him to giggle. “Only eight,” he replied. “We don’t have anything planned today, so it’s fine.” You sighed, snuggling closer to Jimin’s chest and closing your eyes. “Oh, that’s what I was going to ask you, Y/N; are you doing the shopping today?” He asked. You opened your eyes again and let out a loud groan. “Grocery shopping, I complete forgot about that. I guess,” you replied. You pushed the covers off you and said, “I guess I’ll do them early so I don’t have to do them later.” You rolled out of the bed but let out a harsh whimper as your legs hit the ground. You quickly sat back down and held your thighs. “Jagi, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Jimin asked, quickly moving beside you. “Oh my god, Jimin, could you have fucked me any harder?” You cursed. A bright blush covered Jimin’s cheeks at your words. “Oh, are you talking about last night? I’m sorry, Jagi, why didn’t you tell me I was hurting you?” He murmured, grabbing your hands. “It’s not that big of a deal,” you muttered, attempting to stand up again. “Y/N, stop,” Jimin said, his voice suddenly full with authority. “You’ll only make things worse. How about you lie down here and I’ll do the groceries for you today,” he suggested. “But Jimin, you hate grocery shopping,” you countered. “Yes, but you’re in no state to be walking up and down aisle and I really don’t feel like starving today,” he replied. “Well, I guess if you really want to you can. But I could do it myself,” you tried. “Since I’m doing this, you need to promise me you’ll just lie down and get some rest okay?” Once you nodded, Jimin helped pull you into bed and tucked the covers up near your face like a child. “Back to bed for Y/N,” he murmured, kissing you lightly on the forehead and grabbing his car keys.

Originally posted by vminv


Taehyung:

You woke up around 11am on Sunday morning, which was a lot later than you usually did. But granted what had gone down last night, you were somewhat surprised - you imagined you’d be a lot more tired than you were. Felling pleased in the way your body had handled the pleasure of last night, you got out of bed quickly, eager to join your boyfriend in the lounge. Instead, you weren’t expecting your body to feel quite so heavy, and you toppled to the ground with a loud thud. You just sat there on your hands and knees, trying to comprehend what had just happened, before Taehyung walked in casually. When he spotted you on the ground, he let out a chuckle and said, “oh, I thought you had fallen over.” He offered you a hand up, but you just laughed sarcastically. “You knew I had fallen, and you decided to just saunter on in? Not run or anything, saunter?” You managed to pull yourself up onto the side of the bed, and all the while Taehyung shook his head at your antics. “Look I’m sorry, Y/N, I really am. But please don’t get mad at me.” After being ignored, Taehyung sighed loudly and picked you up bridal-style. There was a sharp pain in between your legs, but you decided to push that aside and focus on what Taehyung was planning to do. He carried you towards the door, and just as you were leaving the bedroom he said, “don’t you wish you had just obeyed me last night?” His words caused you to groan and smack him on the back, but he just laughed. He placed you down on the couch in the livingroom, and ran back to the bedroom and grabbed a blanket and a couple of pillows so you could be comfortable. You surfed through a few channels before Taehyung joined you under the blanket on the couch. “I’m going to be sore for days,” you complained. “I guess that what you get for being a bad girl.” Taehyung smirked at his comment, but after seeing the glare you shot him, he apologized faster than he ever had before and pulled you into a tight hug. 

Originally posted by jjks

how can he look that good while winking I can’t even wink at all but when i try i look like i am having a seizure #winkingproblems


Jungkook:

You woke up earlier than your boyfriend the next morning, and when you glanced over at Jungkook he had his eyes squeezed shut tightly. Despite the stinging pain in your lower body, you hauled yourself off to the kitchen to make some breakfast. You ate some toast and hobbled back to your bedroom, but stopped at the door when you heard Jungkook whispering inside. Frowning, you decided to listen in. “Namjoon-hyung, I think I really hurt her,” Jungkook said. Pause. He must be talking on the phone, you decided. “Because, when she got up this morning she had a limp. She could hardly walk,” Jungkook replied. Pause. “No, I’m fairly certain she didn’t go for a motorbike ride yesterday without me knowing, Namjoon-hyung,” Jungkook scoffed. “I know it was me.” You slowly pushed the door open and the noise caused Jungkook to turn from his position on the bed and stare at you with wide eyes. He quickly ended the call and dropped his phone into his lap, waiting for you to speak. “So Namjoon knows about our private life now,” you commented. Your tone wasn’t accusatory, but you did feel slightly hurt that Jungkook was going around telling people what you did together in the privacy of your own home. “No, I’m sorry, Y/N! I was just so worried I’d hurt you, I didn’t know what to do! I thought Hyung would have some ideas,” Jungkook said, standing from the bed and walking to you by the doorway. “I’m fine, trust me,” you replied. “I mean, I am sore, but it will go away eventually.” Jungkook let out a relieved sigh. “That’s good. Besides, Namjoon-hyung wasn’t very helpful at all.”  You laughed, and Jungkook helped you walk back out to the lounge. “I guess since you can’t walk, you won’t be going into work today?” Jungkook asked, a hopeful smile crossing his face. “I guess not. Looks like I’ll be staying here with you today.” You matched Jungkook’s smile. “Well that’s good,” Jungkook said, walking to the TV. “Because I’ve been wanting to verse you in Mario Cart again. I swear you were cheating last time. There’s no way you can beat me on Rainbow Road!”  

Originally posted by kkuks

^^^ Jungkook’s response you when you say that “playing Mario Cart just comes naturally to you”, and that “only a select few can master Rainbow Road”


I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, I’ve been really busy with end of year tests and choosing subjects for next year. For the next few weeks, you should expect me to post something every week or if not, every 8-9 days. I’m sorry about this, but it’s just the way things are at the moment. As always, enjoy!!

Scrubs starter sentences

“And who’s to say that my fantasies can’t come true, just this once?“

“You know ______, _______ don’t have to be shallow rank obsessed cliches.”

“Let me guess, let me guess - dark haired, domineering, doesn’t take any of your crap?“

“If I find a _____ in there… I’m taking you down.”

“Nobody hurts _____ and gets away with it.”

“You’re gonna slather jam on my face and sic a family of raccoons on me, aren’t you?“

“Okay fine. It’s like crack to me.”

“DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, _____, DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR!?”

“S/he cares….S/he cares too much. But s/he’s someone you don’t want to lose.”

“Oh, this does not end well for you.”

“I was talking to myself, don’t eavesdrop.“

“You seem unhappy. I like that.”

“Becoming a _____, this is all s/he ever wanted, but somehow, you found a way to beat that out of him, haven’t you? You turned him/her into some cynical guy/girl who seems to despise what s/he does.”

“Oh, please God, no.“

“Those were the good old incredibly disturbing days, _____.”

“I’m pretty sure that if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it would be called ‘Bring Back the Porn’.”

“______…are you giving me attitude?”

“Ohh you!? You’re going to be a very scary father/mother…er..a great father /mother…!”

“You know what, _____? You need to grow up.”

“Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy.“

"Then I witnessed one of those moments that let me know in my heart that those two would be together forever.”

“I may have given him/her a little slap.”

“Oh my God…. I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time, I’m…. I’m gavomiting!”

“Listen, I’m in a rare position of power here, okay? So I’m only gonna let you out if you admit that you’re my ______.” 

“Holy Inferiority Complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I’m the sidekick in own fantasy?”

“_____, c'mon, you can’t be that insecure!”

“I mean honestly, what is s/he like in post game? Is there spooning because I don’t spoon, I am not a spooner.”

“What? It wasn’t me. I think you put it there yourself to get attention.“

“Daddy/mommy, you weren’t there to pick me up, so I got scared and tried to find you.”

“Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren’t your fault, my friend, that’s a slippery slope you can’t come back from.“

“Hey _____, got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today.”

“I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.”

“Dude, it was one second of doubt. Since when do you care what anyone thinks?”

“Now let me get into character. Hating the world… clenching my jaw…. wishing I could love _____ a little more….”

“Ohh, you smell like a father figure. Mmm~”

“Tonight we practically ran the _____. But tomorrow, we’ll go back to being the most under-appreciated people here.”

“You want to be like me? *I* don’t want to be like me!”

“____… we found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples.”

“Great moment there, dumbass.“

“Look…if that’s the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don’t you dare try to take this away from me.“

“Is that your butt?! It is!”

“Fine! You want to quit, quit! But you are a worthless peon, and you will always be a worthless peon!“

“If this kid doesn’t leave, I’ll kill him.”

“Oh…I am…so very angry that I am going to find someone to kill just to prove him/her wrong.”

“Shhhhhh! Calm down. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Why is s/he doing his/her “You’re so getting a piece of this” dance?”

“You’re the only one around here that treats me like a real person.”

“There’s nothing like looking into someone’s eyes and seeing part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye hope. Bye bye.”

“S/he googled your ass–!!”

“Tell me my husband/wife loves me more than s/he loves you.”

“…But just pretending for today made me feel good for a change.”

“Now get the hell out of my sight, because you honest to god get me so angry I’m afraid I just might hurt myself.”

“I paid for my Rolos! I’m getting my Rolos!“

“See, now I’m so proud of you I can’t even think about revenge.“

“You have one day to find us another gorgeous ______.”

“Hey… How come all you have in there is a smiley face button and a revolver?”

“You couldn’t push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like ______’s nether regions.”

“If you talk again, I’m going to eat you!”

“OK, there’s no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.”

“Look, I don’t know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about! Sex is for making babies and revenge.”

“____?…I can see you. …for God’s sake, you’re three-dimensional.”

“Oh my god did I just ask my ex _____ to move in with me?”

“If someone had asked me just this morning “Is there anyway I could have any less respect for you two geniuses?” I would say “No, that’s not possible.” but lo and behold, you went and pulled it off, congratulations.”

“Get me a box of kittens, stat!”

“_____, people aren’t chocolates. You know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling, but I don’t find them half as annoying as I do bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.”

“Must… keep… lower… lip… from… quivering….”

“I never really believed that I’d find somebody that I’d love as much as you. I love you more than anyone in the world.“

“…..Did you eat my mango body butter?”

“You have no chance of being normal.”

“They’re actually arresting a guy for stealing pudding and toilet paper?”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything?!”

“You know what? I’m really happy that you’re my wife/husband.“

”_____, I don’t know what you’re doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages because you’re going to need them when I get through with you.“

“But I’m your _____. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Everyone has a human side, _____. Even ______!”

“Well, one’s in case I get sad, and the other is in case I get really sad.”

“But in the end the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel or how painful that may be…with the help of those around you you’ll get through this too.”

“Dead people should be dead!”

“I thought if I took it as a compliment it would drive you insane and you’d go away.”

“Ohhhh, ______’s gonna get some loooovin!”

“Unfortunately I’m fresh out of blue ribbons so you’re going to have settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass!“

“…Let’s just say that’s the way I’m telling it.”

“The fact of the matter is, s/he’s a damn exceptional person. That’s why people gravitated to her/him. That’s why I did. S/he was my friend.”

“Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people’s deaths… there’s no coming back.”

“STOP FINISHING MY AWESOME JOKES!”

“For God’s sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn name!”

“You remember what happened….people ran.“

"Either this guy has a lightbulb up his ass or his colon has a bright idea.”

“Nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.“

“You have no idea what I’m like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at crotch].”

Surrender. {c.h.}

Pairing: Calum x Reader

Rating: R

Request: Nope!

Contains:  Dominance, Daddy Kink, Sex slave, Dirty Talk

Word Count:  3,439

A/N:   Back again back again.  So this one is pretty raunchy.  Yes, this type of sale of women’s bodies does go on in some parts of the US and other countries as well.  But that’s not the point.  I wanted this to be I dunno something different than the normal. I am really ashamed at how long this was, I got kinda carried away.  This is also as a huge thank you for getting this blog to 1K followers.  We started this blog back in November I think, and to be at 1K in just 4 months time is crazy.  I love you guys so much, and so does Emma.  Each and every one of you means the world.  Thank you guys so much, and here’s to making even more memories and gaining even more milestones for us.  This is only the beginning.  I love you guys.  -Ally

I was low on money, so I had no other option but to put my body up for auction.  Thankfully I knew a few people, and was able to negotiate my way into finding a person who would satisfy my needs, while I satisfied his.  I knew the risks in doing this were high, but I needed the money to pay for college, and to get out of the debt I was already in.  Was it shady?  Yes.  But did I care?  Not in the slightest.  What I did was my business and no one else’s.  I had signed the contract fully aware of what I was doing, and what I was getting myself into so I had no reason to be scared now.

So here I was walking into the hotel where the person who would be giving me money for sex had told me he was staying.  It was nice, luxurious, and definitely expensive.  The average human being couldn’t even afford one night at this place, let alone a week.  Which was how long I would be staying here with the mystery man who I still had yet to meet.  I knew little things about him, like the fact that he was Australian, and was also very rich.  That last one was sort of a given.  

But what ran through my mind was why would he, the young man he was, be on the prowl for women like me?  I’m sure if he was attractive and had money, women would fall all over him, but that was none of business to ask about.  What he did in his private life was private, much like mine.  No one close to me knew about what I was doing right now.  

“Are you {Y/N}?” a tall man with blonde hair said, coming up to me as I entered mystery man’s hotel.

“Yes, are you the man I’m meeting here?” I asked, slightly confused.

“No, he’s in a meeting, but he’s asked me to get you ready for him.  I’m Luke, by the way,” he said holding out his hand.  I nodded, shaking it, as he gestured for me to follow him.  I followed him, trying to keep up with his long strides, basically jogging to keep up.

We got into the elevator and he pressed the button for the 6th floor.  We stood in silence as the elevator took us up, stopping, the doors opening on the 6th floor.

“This way,” Luke said, pulling me behind him down the hall.  Abruptly he stopped at a door, almost making me collide with his backside.  "This is where Mr. Hood requested that you be for him,“ he said, entering the room, and pulling me in behind him.  "Stand over there,” he said, pointing to the middle of the room.  

I walked into the room taking in my surroundings.  The room had a stripper pole in it, and it had a bit of a purple hue to it.  Leather couches surrounded the walls, and there was soft music playing from the speakers suspended from the ceiling.  I stopped where Luke told me to stand, crossing my arms as I looked around again.

“I’m going to need you to strip,” Luke said.

“Excuse me?” I said, looking at the tall blonde like he was crazy.

“Yes, you heard me,” he said, motioning for me to get on with it.  I groaned inwardly, not really wanting to do this, but then I remembered I needed the money.  

I pulled my shirt over my head, and discarded it to the floor, quickly ridding myself of the rest of the clothes I was wearing as well.  "Sit,“ Luke said, pulling a chair over.  

I gave him a look, but complied none the less, sitting in the chair with my legs crossed.  "Now I’m going to tie you here, and blindfold you, you are to keep the ties and the blindfold on until told otherwise, or until someone takes them off,” Luke explained, and then my arms were pulled behind the back of the chair.  I felt the rope slide around my wrists pulling me tightly against the chair.  I sighed, and then my vision was taken away by a small piece of fabric over my eyes.  "Do not move an inch.  If you make the man meeting you here angry, well, I don’t know what to tell you.  Just don’t do it, okay?“ Luke said.

I nodded, trying to get my eyes adjust to the new darkness.

"I’m going to leave now,” he said, and I heard him walk away, the door opening and slamming shut.  It made me jump slightly, and then I was alone.  I groaned, starting to get nervous.  I had to remind myself I was here to get money, and only that.  This was just a thing for the week, that’s it.  Nothing more nothing less.  

I pulled involuntarily on the ropes binding my arms behind me, seeing if they would budge.  Nothing.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” a voice said from behind me.  I stiffened, assuming this was mystery man.  I swallowed a lump that had lodged itself in my throat, suddenly nervous.  "Well aren’t you a sight.  Pretty little thing, and young too,“ the man said, this time he sounded closer.  I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to keep myself calm.  His Australian accent was prominent, and added in the huskiness of his voice, it was a very sexual combination.  "What’s your name, sweetheart?” he asked, I could feel his breath on the back of neck.  He was right behind me.

“I’m {Y/N},” I said, shakily, my voice quieter than normal.

“That’s a pretty name, although, I probably won’t be using it much while we have fun,” he said, and I could almost see a smirk plastered on his face.  His lips brushed my neck, and I stiffened, taking in a sharp breath.  "Relax baby girl, I won’t hurt you,“ he told me, it was evident that he was telling me the truth. 

"Let’s get you out of these hm?” he said, and I felt his hands begin to untie the ropes binding me to the chair.  

As much as it was erotic being tied down, I would much rather be able to use my arms while he was touching me.  Although I had a feeling he wouldn’t let me even then.  Once my arms were free, I rolled out my wrists, and then quickly crossed them over my exposed chest.  

“No, don’t hide from me baby girl,” he said, pulling at my arms.  I reluctantly let them fall to my sides, a sigh falling from my mouth.  "Good girl,“ he rasped, and then his lips brushed my neck again, this time kissing it.  I let out a small mewl in satisfaction.  I was still rendered without my sight, however.  All I could do was hope that whoever this mystery man was, was attractive.  

I fidgeted slightly when his lips left my neck, and trailed down my chest.  He captured one of my breasts in his mouth, rolling my nipple with his tongue.  I whimpered, trying my best to keep my arms at my sides, not knowing if I was allowed to touch him.  His lips left my breast, and moved to the other one, giving it the same attention.  I rolled my head back, a soft moan coming from my now parted lips.

His mouth worked wonders on my chest, and I just wanted him to continue.  His lips continued their path downward, leaving marks here and there on my abdomen, until he was uncrossing my legs.  

"I would assume you want this off now, right?” he said, and I felt his hands on the side of my face, sliding underneath the blindfold so he could lift it off me. 

Once it was off, he tossed it away, and I blinked away the spots in vision trying to get my eyes to adjust to the room again.  "So, what do you think?“ he asked, tilting my chin so I would look at him.

He was very attractive.  Tall, broad shoulders, muscular.  Dark brown hair, that had a hint of a blonde tinge in the front.  I assumed that he had dyed it there.  His eyes were a gorgeous dark brown, and they bored into mine as I took him in.  His jawline was set into a smirk, he knew the affect he had on woman, knew that he had that effect on me too.

He was in a suit, and he filled it out perfectly.  It clung to all the right places on his body, showcasing his taut muscles, and slightly thin body shape.  He wasn’t even real.  No one could be that perfect, but he was.  The only thing I could do was sit and stare at him in awe.

"Like what you see I assume?” he said, a cocky edge to his voice.
I nodded slowly watching to see what his reaction was.  He smirked at me before his head dipped between my legs again.  I was confused, because I thought I was supposed to be here for his pleasure, not so much mine.

“Sir, I don’t think this was part of the deal, I’m supposed to be pleasing you,” I said.

“I want to please you, just relax baby,” he said, kissing my inner thigh.  I wasn’t going to argue with him.  His fingers trailed up my legs, prying them apart.  

“Do I get to know your name?” I asked, looking at him as he stilled his movements.

“No, just call me whatever you see fit,” he told me, then resumed placing open mouthed kisses on the inside of my thighs.  I shrugged, and watched him move his head so he was literally right in between my legs.  I fidgeted, my body getting heated, as I felt the wetness grow worse than it had been.  "Oh would you look at that, you’re soaking baby girl,“ he cooed, dipping a finger into my folds.  I jerked forward at the sudden motion a small moan coming from my mouth.  "Oh, responsive are we?  Tell me baby girl, who got you this wet, hm?” he teased me.

“Oh god, you did,” I moaned.

“Hm, thought so.  Isn’t this erotic baby?  You don’t even know my name, and yet you’re already so responsive to my touch, and you’re practically dripping.  I haven’t even touched you yet.  This should be fun, shouldn’t it baby girl?” he said, winking at me, before he resumed teasing my nether regions.  I let out a breathy moan, feeling his fingers play with my clit.  

“Fucking hell,” I groaned, my hands automatically weaving into his hair.  He pressed his thumb against my clit, rolling it in little circles.  "Oh god,“ I moaned, feeling him push a finger into me.  My head dropped forward, my lips parting, as multiple moans left my lips.  "Shit, oh my god Daddy,” I accidentally moaned.  I took in a sharp breath, eyes widening as I clapped a hand over my mouth.  

“Daddy, huh?” he asked, looking up at me with a cocky smirk.

“I’m so sorry, I, I don’t know what came over me, I -” I stuttered, trying to cover for my mishap.

“It’s alright, darling, I actually find it highly erotic that you called me that, keep doing it when you feel like it, it turns me on,” he said, brushing a strand of hair away from my face.  I nodded, taking my bottom lip between my teeth.  "Good girl,“ he approved, before he continued where he left off.

His fingers curled inside me hitting my g-spot, eliciting a loud moan from me. 

"Fucks sake,” I groaned, feeling him press another finger between my folds.  My head dropped forward, lips parting, as I felt a knot start to form in my stomach.  “Oh god, fuck, Daddy,” I moaned again, using his kink to my advantage.

“Kitten, are you sure you want to call me that? I could stop, and make you wait to cum, you wouldn’t want that now would you, hm?” he teased, slowing the movement of his fingers.  I squirmed, whimpering.

“I thought you liked it?” I asked breathlessly.

“I do, I just like to tease,” he said, smirking up at me.  I whined, shaking my head at him.

“Please don’t tease me,” I whined, trying to shift my hips so that he would be closer to me.

“Ah, ah, don’t do that, kitten,” he tsked, holding my hips with his hands.  His mouth dipped back inbetween my legs, his fingers moving faster again.  I closed my eyes, feeling his tongue replace his fingers almost throwing me over the edge.

“Fuck, oh my god,” I moaned, my thighs starting to spasm.  His thumb rubbed slow circles on my clit, furthering my arousal and bringing me closer to my edge.  My eyes screwed shut as my first orgasm hit me like a truck.  "Oh my god, fuck fuck fuck,“ I groaned, my walls clenching and unclenching as I rode out my high.  

"Good girl, you taste sweet, kitten,” he mused.  I blushed bright red, hiding my face.  "On your knees baby girl,“ he commanded, now being a full on dominant.  I got out of the chair and immediately sunk to my knees in front of him.  He made fast work of his trousers, pulling them down so his cock sprung free.  It slapped his abdomen already being hard, and it was quite an impressive size.  "Get to sucking, baby girl,” he commanded, giving himself a few quick pumps while I pondered how to go about this the best way. 

“Oh fuck it,” I mumbled, moving myself closer to him so I could have a better handle on him.  I looked up at him through my lashes, before I kissed away the pre-cum that had secreted out of the tip of his dick.  I heard him hiss and I giggled, knowing that he was really desperate for release. 

I licked a stripe from the base to the tip along his prominent vein, a groan coming from his lips.  I smirked, wrapping my hand around his member before I took him in my mouth.  My lips closed around him, as I sunk my mouth down on him as far as I could, pumping whatever I couldn’t fit with my hand.  My tongue swirled around his already twitching cock, hearing a moan from him.  Success. 

I felt his hands thread into my hair, as he started to push on my head, not hard, but just enough so that he could get the friction he desired.  It didn’t really phase me, however, I found it really erotic. 

As I began to move my mouth faster, his breaths got quicker, and his moans got more high pitched.  I could tell he wasn’t going to last much longer.  I decided to give him a little treat.

Relaxing my jaw as much as possible, I lowered my mouth on him until I felt his dick hit the back of my throat.  He groaned in approval, the sound coming from deep in his chest.  I swallowed around him, hearing another high moan come from his mouth.  I could tell he was close.  

Somehow I managed to keep deep throating him until he bucked his hips, making me gag a little bit.  I came up for air quickly, then put my mouth back on him.  He pulled on my hair lightly, as I felt his dick twitch in my mouth, and I knew he was close.

“Oh my god baby girl your mouth feels so good,” I heard him groan, and I hummed in approval, beginning to hollow out my cheeks to get him off faster.  His moans were now slipping out every minute or so, if I do say so myself, his moans had to be the most attractive thing ever.  It wasn’t long before he was whimpering out my name, and saying “I’m gonna cum, oh my god, I’m cumming,” before his load shot down my throat.  Surprising him and myself, I swallowed, releasing his dick with a pop.

“Now for the fun part,” he said, lifting me off the floor and pulling me to the center of the room where the pole was positioned.  I eyed it suspiciously not knowing his intention for me.  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you dance, I just like to switch things up a bit,” he assured me, “Now stay here, I’ll be right back,” he said, kissing me quickly, before he walked to the other side of the room, and pressed a button on the wall, which opened a drawer from below it.  He pulled out a piece of fabric, and then walked back to me.

“Arms up baby girl,” he commanded, and I did as told raising my arms above my head.  He wrapped the fabric around my wrists, tying it around the pole as well.  “Look at how vulnerable you look now, all tied up and for me to do whatever I want with,” he mused, running his hands down my legs, stopping at the crease of my knee.  He pulled me up, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist, as he quickly thrust into me.

“Oh my god, Daddy,” I moaned, feeling the satisfying stretch.  He wasted no time to start thrusting into me hard and fast.  I let my head fall forward, it hitting the crook of his neck as I moaned whenever he thrusted. 

“Look at me baby girl, don’t take your eyes off me, even when you cum, you hear me?” he said.  I nodded, and he smirked in approval, moving his hips up quickly, causing me to squeal. 

I curled my fingers around the pole so I had something to hold onto, as he thrusted mercilessly into me.

“You like this baby girl?  Hm?  Being tied up as my cock fucks your tight little pussy?” he dirty talked.  I moaned loudly in answer, the pleasure being too much for me to use my voice.  “Use your words baby,” he growled, slapped me on the ass.  I yelped, moving my hips forward, so that were flush with his.

“Yes, Daddy,” I groaned, my voice quiet due to the moans that were coming from my mouth previously.

“Good girl,” he said, wrapping his arms underneath my legs so I was lifted higher on him, his cock sheathed deep inside me.  I moaned, feeling a pit start to form in my stomach. 

“Oh my fuck,” I mewled, locking my ankles around his back.  His thrusts only got harder, he went deeper until he started to hit my g-spot, bringing me so much closer to my edge.  My hips lifted to meet his thrust so I could get the friction on my clit, and he picked up on it, switching his grip on me so he could snake one of his hands in between my legs to rub my swollen nub.  A shot of electricity coursed through my body, as a long moan left my lips, the knot in my stomach getting worse.

“I’m gonna cum” I said breathlessly, my walls starting to clench rapidly around his cock.

“Cum for me baby,” he groaned.  I gladly obliged my eyes locking with his as my orgasm took over my body.  I shook, as my legs spasmed, my mouth falling open, a loud moan coming from me, as he rode out his own high with me. 

Once I started to come down from my high, I closed my eyes, whimpering, him reaching up to untie my hands.  I let them fall around his neck, him pulling out of me.  A wave of euphoria washed over my body as I tried to recuperate as he held me.  He set me down lightly before walking over to a drawer and grabbing a wad of cash.  “Here, this is yours,” he said, handing me it.  I nodded, walking over to place it in my purse.  “Don’t leave, you’re welcome to stay in my hotel room for the night,” he said, and I could’ve sworn I heard desperation in his voice.

“Thank you,” I said, “I’d like that,” I continued, as I threw on a random robe I had in my bag.

“My names Calum by the way,” he finally announced.

“Calum, well it was very nice being thoroughly fucked by you,” I said, trying to crack a joke.  He laughed.

“It was a pleasure,” he said, taking me by the hand as he led me out of the room and to his hotel room, where we fell asleep next to eachother.

Everything and More ~A Joshifer Drabble~

My morning starts just the way I like it. I’m roused gently from my sleep by rays of sunlight trickling in through the window, and opening my eyes reveals the woman of my dreams beside me. Couldn’t ask for a better way to start the day.

Blinking a few times to rid myself of any grogginess, I let a content sigh, a smile drifting across my lips as I look my wife over.

Even if her hair is slightly messy from her slumber, even if her mouth is hung agape as she breathes deeply, she somehow manages to be breathtakingly beautiful. And I make sure I remind her every day.

My eyes flicker to hers, which are shut lightly away from view, then down to her supple lips, and her flushed, rounded cheeks. I allow my gaze to continue its journey; I take note of the golden, shining tint to her hair, and the visible softness her skin possesses.

It’s taking every bit of my will to not caress her and run my hands all over her gorgeous body, much like I had the night prior.

She and I have fallen to intimacy numerous times recently, because…Well, in smaller terms, we’re in love. We’re so very in love. Never have I ever felt such a deep, strong, passionate, affectionate, emotional bond with a woman in my life, and I make sure to let her know that. Every single day.

She’s my best friend. She’s my soul mate. She’s my wife. She’s everything to me.

And she’d sure as hell give me the business if she heard all these thoughts, but sometimes I swear, she doesn’t know how lovely she is. 

Chuckling softly to myself as I come out of my thoughts, I continue to stare, stretching my legs and using care not to bump her. The small movement however, is just enough to wake her, and her sapphire eyes soon meet mine.

As soon as our gazes connect, a warm smile stretches across her face, causing her eyes to gain an almost shimmering effect.

“Morning Joshy,” she whispers, bringing her hands out from beneath the blanket and threading them softly through my hair.

“Morning Jen,” I return, sighing as her fingers massage my scalp and send tingles down my spine,“How are you this morning?”

She gives a long yawn, before cuddling her bare body closer to mine. “Tired…” Her eyebrows rise up, before she adds with a slight huff, “And sore.”

Knowing immediately what she’s referring to, I sink my head into the pillows, feeling my cheeks run warm with embarrassment.

“Sorry,” I mutter simply, my voice muffled against the fabric.

But soon she’s laughing and playing with my strands of hair, her giggles echoing throughout the room. “I’m just kidding, God. Well okay, I’m not, but you know I don’t care. It’s worth it.”

My body tenses as a thousand past images run through my brain, and I pick my head up to gaze at her, my lips pulled up into a smirk.

“Is it worth it?”

“It-” her voice trails off as she comes to the realization of what I meant, “Oh shut up.”

The sound of her beautiful laughter mixes with mine, and I take the opportunity to pepper her neck with kisses. “Let me work it,” I chuckle as my lips travel across her skin.

Already my nether regions are calling for attention, and I attempt to calm myself as I continue to kiss her tenderly. She’s giggling and rolling her long fingers through my hair, the occasional pleasured sigh slipping from her lips.

Suddenly however, she jolts to attention just as I’m about to nibble on her earlobe.

“Wait!”

I almost jump myself, picking my head away from her to give her a confused look.

“Sorry…hun,” she laughs, pressing a kiss to my forehead before continuing, “I just…That reminded me of something I need to tell you. God, I almost forgot…”

“Cannes reminds you of something?”

“Well yes…Well, no but…Whatever, damn it, I don’t want to get distracted again!”

I chuckle and nod, giving her my full attention. I watch her draw her bottom lip into her mouth, which is something she does when she’s flustered, so naturally my hands land on her back to comfort her.

She continues to hesitate, her gaze cast downwards, and just when I’m beginning to feel nerves climbing within me, she gives me a teary smile.

She’s still silent, but one of her hands grasps mine, and shifts it downwards to rest upon her abdomen.

She must notice my widening eyes, because she quickly begins, “I’ve been meaning to tell you for the past few days, and I honestly had no damn clue how to do it. I fretted over it for hours. But I don’t know, there was something about today…I woke up staring right into your eyes, and you were already so happy…”

Jen smiles, closing her eyes and taking a breath before continuing,“…And then bringing up old memories? Hell, it’s perfect.”

I feel myself trembling, willing the tears that are beginning to seep up to disappear, but my composure vanishes with what comes next.

“Josh…I’m pregnant.”

I’m completely blown away. I’m not sure I even heard her correctly. Or maybe I’m dreaming?

But I see her eyes tracking my face, gauging my reaction, and I know my dreams have definitely become a reality.

I’m absolutely pathetic, laughing and weeping as I wrap my arms tightly around my wife, a stream of “I love you’s” and “thank you’s” pouring out of my mouth. I’m kissing her all over, trailing them across her face before pausing over her lips. Jen’s emotions mirror my own, her tears streaming down her face as she laughs with me, returning my affections with ease.

It was one thing to marry Jennifer, but having a child with her? It was something I could barely wrap my mind around at the time. And now here we are, a growing family.

It’s everything I could have ever wanted in my life. In fact, it’s more.