oh my god i don't know what

Cas finds tumblr
  • Cas: Dean there's this interesting website called tumblr
  • Dean: Cas, stay away from there
  • Cas: *confused head tilt* What is Destiel Dean? It seems popular
  • Dean: Cas no-
  • Cas: Dean I don't understand... what is fanfiction?
  • Dean: *gets up and goes towards Cas* Come on Cas... give me the laptop buddy
  • Cas: The laptop's warning me of smut. What is smut?
  • Dean: *tries to grab the laptop*
  • Cas: *dodges Dean and starts reading* This... this is very explicit. How do they know all this?
  • Dean: Cas we don't talk about that!
  • Cas:
  • Dean:
  • Dean: Wait a minute I don't understand
  • Cas: It's like they've been spying on us Dean
  • Dean:
  • Cas:
  • Dean:
  • Cas:
  • Dean: *eyes widening* Oh Chuck... SAM!
  • Sam: *trying hard not to laugh* What? People like it!
My boyfriend told me over text that he didn't know the Minotaur story
  • Boyfriend: I... I don't even know the story that well babe, I can't even say xD
  • Me: Okay so
  • Me: Poseidon gives a bull to King Minos, the best and shiniest bull you ever saw, and he's like "You can have this, but only if you promise to sacrifice it to me later" and Minos is like "Sure yeah okay man whatever" so Poseidon sends this bestest bull ever galloping up out of the salty sea spray, and everyone standing around is like "Hot fuck look at that bull" And Minos agrees, and he likes the bull SO much he decides to just quietly sort of...keep it. And he does kill a bull for Poseidon but it's one of his own, lame normal bulls, and Poseidon's no pushover so of course he notices.
  • Me: Poseidon is also notoriously easily angered, and he's royal pissed about this, so he comes up with one of the most devious punishments ever, and he infects Minos' wife Pasiphae with a desperate, DESPERATE thirst for the bull. Like she can think of nothing but getting some of that hot Bull D.
  • Boyfriend: ..........Thefuck.
  • Me: But it's hard to convince a bull, especially a divinely spawned bull, to fuck you if you are in fact not a cow but a human queen, so she comes up with a plan
  • Boyfriend: I thought some god comes down in bull form and fucks her??
  • Me: Ohh, no no no, that's the much much more tame story of Europa, who has sex with Zeus in bull form. This is different
  • Me: She goes to the best inventor she knows, Daedalus, and she's like "I need this bull to fuck me I NEED IT" and Daedalus is like "That's really weird maybe you should talk to someone" and she's like "I am talking to you and I am your queen so you better fucking make this happen for me I am going to peel my own skin off if I don't get some bull dick ASAP. But he doesn't want me because I am not fat, four-legged, and mooing."
  • Boyfriend: Oh..... oh no.
  • Me: So Daedalus shrugs, probably shudders a little, and builds the prettiest, most fuckable wooden cow a bull ever saw, but he makes it hollow, presumably with some openings in some awkward places.
  • Boyfriend: OH GOD. NO.
  • Me: So Pasiphae puts this monstrosity in the field with the bull, climbs in it, and waits. And Daedalus really is a skilled inventor, and he apparently knows what a bull likes, because Pasiphae finally gets the hot bull loving she's been dreaming of
  • Boyfriend: I........ I need an aspirin. That is disgusting.
  • Me: Only she apparently hasn't been tracking her cycles, because she gets pregnant, and births the minotaur and King Minos is like "What the fuck?" and Pasiphae is like "Honey I need to tell you something"
  • Me: And that is how it happened
  • Boyfriend: That is NOT HOW THAT WORKS
  • Me: Welcome to Mythology.
the signs flirting
  • Aries: You're hot *tells you everything they're thinking about you*
  • Taurus: *internally flirts with you* Them externally: Hi friend
  • Gemini: *shoots you with their flirt gun*
  • Cancer: Stares at you and imagines things in their mind
  • Leo: OH MY FUCKING GOD I LOVE YOU OMG OMG OMG
  • Virgo: Silly, passive comments, "Hey, you should try..." *suggest something that sounds like a judgement*
  • Libra: *murders you with their flirt knife*
  • Scorpio: Hot!! Cold!! Crazy....You're honestly going a little crazy bc u don't know what they're thinking
  • Sagittarius: Lets fuck!
  • Capricorn: Your eyebrows look funny...:/
  • Aquarius: *Talks non-stop about how different they are to impress you, really just seeing if you'll say somethng valid back*
  • Pisces: *blushing* *the whole* *goshdarn* *time*

anonymous asked:

what about the stairs in the forests!!! and what doc were you watching and would you recommend?

ok so I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE STAIRS IN THE FORESTS! mainly because I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service, and I Have Some Stories to Tell a) is posted on /r/nosleep so it’s definitely made up, b) the op admits to knowing about David Paulides, and lbr knowing about = being influenced by, so it’s definitely made up, and c) if you read all the way through to the end it stops being even vaguely believable and starts reading like a WTNV transcript, and then he plugs his book, so it’s DEFINITELY MADE UP. however, it is an amazing (read: terrifying) thread, some of it is obviously based on truths/insider SAR knowledge which means a lot of it is probably uncomfortably close to actually being true, and it’s a good Gateway Read into MISSING PEOPLE IN NATIONAL PARKS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, which is where I live now. (plus, if you read this before getting into anything else it imbues every single missing persons case with an unsettling sense of Eldritch horror, which is why I had to turn on three overheads and unfocus my eyes all the way to the bathroom last night at 2am.) 

so yeah, after reading that /r/nosleep thing for the first time I drew a line under it and moved on until SOMEONE (ahem@roundtop) sent me a link to an article called How 1,600 People Went Missing from Our Public Lands Without a Trace (on a legit and sensible outdoorsy people website), like ‘haha, stairs in the forest!’ and I SWAN DIVED DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. thus: the documentary-watching, staying up till 2am and spending all day today trying to find copies of David Paulides’ books for less than $80 inc. postage. 

THIS DUDE DAVID PAULIDES. he was in law enforcement before, for some reason, deciding to become a ~*~cryptozoologist~*~ and certified gung-ho Bigfoot conspiracy theorist, and through that found out about how many people had disappeared without a trace from National Parks in the U.S., did 7,000 hours worth of digging, and wrote a bunch of books about it. his books are called Missing 411 and are about the ridiculous number of people who go missing in National Parks, the usually weird circumstances around their disappearances, the fact that when people are found (dead or alive) it’s often in places miles and miles and sometimes waaaaay higher up mountains than where they disappeared from, and all sorts of creepy crap to boot. like they can’t get bloodhounds to find a scent, or they find tiny children miles away from where they got lost, barefoot, without a scratch on the soles of their feet, human remains being found years later in places that were search dozens and dozens of times. not to mention the National Parks… People (? I really don’t know enough to be making this post) are aware of what’s happening but don’t keep a list of the people who’ve gone missing on their lands. 

(which is all part of why I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service is so freaky – enough of it (people being found miles away, kids being found up mountains, the people in charge being cagey about it all) sounds real that you can believe it was actually written by a SAR Officer. heebies!) 

it’s all real nightmare fuel, if you’re the sort of person who is absolutely terrified by all this Scary Forest Disappearing People Unexplainable Deaths stuff, i.e. me. luckily I can’t afford to buy any of them! phew! however, I haven’t let that stop me from a) SCARING MYSELF SHITLESS and b) BECOMING A TIN HATTER, and it shouldn’t stop you either: you can read loads of stuff over at /r/missing411, listen to one of his initial interviews (in which he talks about how he was approached by two park employees in plain clothes who were like ‘please investigate this, there’s SOMETHING going on and it’s so goddamn weird’) on Coast to Coast AM (which is, like, a paranormal radio station… I’m sorry), watch a bunch of Paulides’/CanAm Missing Project’s vids about disappearances on youtube, and listen to hours worth of interviews and late night spooky radio/podcast discussions with Paulides. 

the documentary I thought I was watching was Missing 411, which is based on his books and Kickstarted by the public in 2015, but it turns out that they’re apparently shopping it around at festivals so it’s not out yet. what I was actually watching (and quickly abandoned) was a weird supercut of all of David Paulides’ tv interviews and some cryptozoologist chatter about Bigfoot. Paulides, god love him, never ever SAYS Bigfoot in any of his books, and everything he presents is 100% factually accurate and extensively researched, but… I think we can safely say he thinks it’s Bigfoot. tbh, after reading about Jaryd Atadero I think it’s Bigfoot. I mean, goddamn. 

so, yeah. I’ve finished reading every search and rescue story on this blog (Hunt for the Death Valley Germans is LONG but awesome), I’ve got West of Memphis ready to watch after work tomorrow because I remembered how much I love that case and spooky true crime things, if you have any related LINKS or STUFF about This Shit then REBLOG THIS/MSG ME AND TELL ME, or if you have a copy of a Missing 411 book you wouldn’t mind mailing to me then LET ME KNOW, and in conclusion I can’t believe America is so fucking huge and unkind, goodnight.

anonymous asked:

Remus is the reason Hogwarts limits what animals you can bring. Whenever they're about to get caught, James, Sirius and Peter all change to their animagus forms, leaving Remus caught red-handed with a stag, a dog, and a rat. After listening to Remus sigh long-sufferingly for the eighth time, "yes Professor, that is my stag. No Professor, I don't know why he's got his head stuck in the bannister," McGonagall promptly bans anything besides owls, cats, and toads.

OH MY GOD YES

I’m cackling

Batfam as things my coworkers have said
  • Bruce, overheard on the phone as he's leaving WE: Wait, your brother is at work? (...) Oh thank god, that means I can sleep when I get home.
  • ---------------
  • Dick, giving Duke a tour of the Batcave: I'm sure you'll fit in just fine. Everyone's really nice here. Except for Jason.
  • Jason, from across the cave: That's messed up!
  • ---------------
  • Stephanie: *sees Cass's hand is bandaged up* Oh my god, are you okay?
  • Cass: Yeah, I just stabbed myself. It's fine.
  • ---------------
  • Tim: What, you think that because you're bootylicious, you can do whatever you want?
  • Jason, nodding: Yeah, pretty much.
  • ---------------
  • Damian: Alfred knows everything, he just pretends that he doesn't.
  • Alfred: Well, somebody needs to know something around here.
  • ---------------
  • Stephanie, inspecting Tim's under-eye circles: You need some makeup, fam. That shit is unsettling.
  • ---------------
  • Dick, to Roy: I hereby name you an official member of the family!
  • Jason: It's a trap, dude. You don't wanna be part of this family.
  • ---------------
  • Tim: Has anyone seen my coffee?
  • All: No.
  • Tim: Looks like it sucks to be Steph today. *picks up Stephanie's coffee and walks away*
  • ---------------
  • Duke: You've gotta be crazy to work here.
  • Jason: You don't HAVE to be crazy. We can always train you.
  • ---------------
  • WE Employee: *walks into Bruce's office to hear a loud alarm coming from his computer while Bruce fills out paperwork, seemingly unperturbed*
  • WE Employee: How can you just sit there and listen to that?
  • Bruce: Do you have any idea how many kids I have?

A few years ago we had a cozy little gang that got together every other week. As such, we often forgot what had happened in previous sessions. In one of our adventures, the rogue found a Bag of Holding and proceeded to stuff a live alligator inside. 

Cut to a few weeks later, during a boss fight:

DM: It’s looking bad. 12 damage to the paladin.

Rogue: I know it’s my turn, hold on, there’s got to be something I can use -

Cleric: The alligator! Unleash the alligator!

Rogue: Oh my god. I do it. I open my Bag and release the alligator.

Table, chanting: Alligator! Alligator! Alligator!

DM: …. a bloated, slimy, alligator corpse slips out onto the dungeon floor. I hope you’re happy.

Rogue: It’s dead???

DM: You kept it in a bag for weeks with no food or water, what did you expect?

We died.

  • Lucius Fox: You miss Oswald, don't you?
  • Ed: Oswald? Pffff, no, what a traitorous friend, I'm totally over hi — [trips] [hundreds of thousands of Oswald photos spill out of suit jacket] What a - I don't know where these came from, t-these aren't mine, I'm just [gathering them up and frantically sweating] ok, ok, listen Foxy - I hate the guy, he killed Isabella, l-listen [thousands of Oswald photos and Oswald hallucinogenic drugs scatter across the floor] Oh my god, I-I was going to burn these photos, I swear, oK jUsT LIS T E N
Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris in the library
  • Eric: "Get up!"
  • Dylan: "GET UP!"
  • Eric: "Stand up right now or we'll blow your fucking heads off!"
  • Dylan: "Fine I'll start shooting then..." (shoots Velasquez) "Woohoo!"
  • Dylan: "All jocks stand up... white baseball cap"
  • Eric: "Pigs are here..." (begins firing out the window)
  • Dylan: (shoots Hall, Ireland, Steepleton) "Yahoo!"
  • Patti Nielson: "our father... who art in heaven.. hallowed be thy name"
  • Dispatcher: "ma'am, you need to forget about praying right now. What's happening there?"
  • Nielson: "They're in here.. they're killing kids... I have to go." (drops phone)
  • Eric: (kills Curnow) "Die! Motherfucker!"
  • Dylan: "WOO!"
  • Kasey Ruegsegger: (after being shot by Eric) "Oh!"
  • Eric: "Stop your bitching! It's merely a flesh wound,"
  • Dylan: (laughing hysterically)
  • Eric: "Peek-a-boo" (kills Bernall)
  • Dylan: (shoots Ireland) "Die! ...down on the floor!"
  • Dylan: "REB?"
  • Eric: "Yeah?"
  • Dylan: "hey, man... there's a nigger over here."
  • Eric: "shoot him"
  • Dylan: "SHIT YEAH!"
  • Shoels: "no...no...no...mom!"
  • (Shoels and Kechter killed)
  • (CO2 bomb detonates)
  • Valeen Schnurr: "oh my god... help me..."
  • Eric: "do you believe in God?"
  • Valeen: "no..yes..."
  • Dylan: "Why?"
  • Eric: "God is gay."
  • John TOmlin: "Don't... done enough?"
  • (shots fired)
  • Dylan: "You think we've done enough?" (laughing)
  • Eric: "nice glasses" (shots fired.. sounds of a scuffle.. shots fired again.. Mauser killed)
  • Dylan: "was he trying to jump you?"
  • Eric: "Yeah"
  • (shots fired... DePooter killed)
  • Dylan: "Look what we have here..."
  • Eric: "What?"
  • Dylan: "just some fat fuck"
  • Dylan: "give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you."
  • Evan Todd: "I don't want to get into trouble"
  • Dylan: "Trouble! You don't know what trouble is..."
  • Evan Todd: "That's not what I mean... I don't have a problem with you guys..."
  • Dylan: "I'm going to let this fat fuck live... little fat fucking piece of shit... you can have him if you want."
  • Eric: "Let's go to the commons"
  • Dylan: "One more thing" (sound of something smashing)
  • Dylan: "Reb, ya ready?"
When they don't finish the fic

Me: ahh I NEED TO READ A FIC! Oh this one looks good!

(5 hours and 34 chapters later)

Me: Oh my god this is AWES- it’s unfinished…when’s the next chap- NO

Last updated: January 2010

Me: oh just FUCK OFF! WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS?! they didn’t kiss yet?! THEY DIDN’T EVEN KISS WHY I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS TRANSGRESSION AGAINST ME I HATE EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW WHATS HAPPENED! Never mind I will never read fanfic again! I swear ao3 you are dead to me.

(2 minutes later)

Me: oh this fic looks interesting…

  • Reborn, in front of a broken coffee maker: Who broke it?
  • All the Vongola kids:
  • Reborn: I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
  • Yamamoto: ... I did. I broke it —
  • Reborn: No, no you didn’t. Ryohei?
  • Ryohei: Don't look at me... look at Octopus Head.
  • Gokudera: What? I didn't break it.
  • Ryohei: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
  • Gokudera: Because it's sitting right in front of us... and it's BROKEN.
  • Ryohei: Suspicious.
  • Gokudera: No, it's not!
  • Lambo: If it matters, probably not, but I-Pin was the last one to use it...
  • I-Pin: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
  • Lambo: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
  • I-Pin: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles! Everyone knows that, LAMBO.
  • Tsuna: Guys, no, let's not fight. I broke it, Reborn, let me pay for it.
  • Reborn: NO. Who broke it?
  • Gokudera: ... Reborn-san? Hibari's been awfully quiet —
  • Hibari: Really.
  • Gokudera: Yeah, REALLY.
  • Tsuna: OH, MY GOD —
  • *later, as everyone's fighting*
  • Reborn: I broke it. It burned my hand, so I shot it with my gun.
  • Reborn: I predict in ten minutes they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
  • Reborn: ... good. It was getting a little chummy around here.