oh my god i can't with these two

  • Reporter: What is 2+2?
  • Donald Trump answers the question: "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me."
  • Pidge: C'mon, just say it!
  • Keith, confused: No??? I don't understand why it's so important to you two....
  • Lance: Keith, my buddy, just do us this one favor.
  • Keith: .....
  • Keith: Fine.
  • Keith, while sprouting fluffy ears and turning purple: I'm going Galra???
  • Pidge: oh my god oh my god oh my go-
  • Lance: holy shit I can't believe he did it

me reading smut: *is completely unfazed* lol nice
me reading fluff: *puts hand over heart* *literally starts screaming* oH MY GOD HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT WHY IS HE SO CHEESY *has to stop reading for a good two minutes before continuing*

my what a guy, gaston!

okay so i know i already did one of these for beauty and the beast (for fuck’s sake shana write about some new fairytales why are you like this) but i listened to sam tsui’s cover of a tale as old as time and OH BOY, OH MY HONEY OH MY DARLING

okay, so in the very early stages of the original beauty and the beast, gaston was an aristocrat. that eventually got scrapped, but oh what if it didn’t

so say gaston is the son of someone very high up in the royalty chain, someone who’s parents are important enough that he spends an awful lot of time at the castle? and our prince adam isn’t really down with this whole ~being a prince~ thing, he’s a brat, like so many other kids are brats (but these kids don’t get turned into beasts by random witches, like i’m sorry but i’ll never not think that beast didn’t get the short end of the stick there) and so he spends the least about of time possible parading about with a crown on his head. he likes going outside, like riding his horses and playing in the woods, and all sorts of other things that make his parents shake their heads and despair at the inability to have another child, because their son is a small disaster.

and here comes gaston, who’s older and more long suffering. gaston in naturally dramatic, okay, he likes being flashy and fun and loud, all the things the son of a noble shouldn’t be. so by the point he meets adam he’s listened to his parents, folded himself up nice and tight into this quiet boy who just doesn’t want any trouble. adam loves trouble. if he can’t find it, he invents it.

so he grabs onto gaston like glue, and gaston is irritated, but he’s the prince, he can’t say anything or his parents will kill him. so he lets adam keep dragging him out horseback riding and hunting and rock climbing and all sorts of things little noble boys aren’t supposed to do. they spare, and no matter that gaston is bigger and older he never wins, adam always ends up pinning him to the ground with his arm to his throat and he’d more irritated about it if the prince didn’t look so delighted every time he won. adam loves all the animals that he’s not interested in eating, and gaston tries to point out that it’s a little weird how thrilled adam is to take down a deer when two minute later he’s trying to entice a wolf to come closer so he can pet it, and also holy shit adam that’s a wolf what’s wrong with you

adam loves his staff, the people who do their best to reign in this little terror but don’t try that hard, because the thing about bratty kids is that they’re rarely brats all the time, as an adult you swing between wanting to strangle them and finding them so adorable and charming your chest hurts. so mrs. potts indulges him, likes the way he’s only ever really patient while he’s playing with her son chip when he’s snuck into the kitchen to beg her for some extra cookies. lumiere and cogsworth are his tutors and spend more time arguing with each other than teaching him, and he’s delighted by that.

and so adam is this loud, exuberant little prince who slowly but surely picks at gaston’s barrier until gaston almost feels like himself again, and adam doesn’t do what his parents did. adam doesn’t make fun of him for how much he cares about his hair, about how he hates dirt under his fingernails. as long as gaston keeps following him into dangerous situations, adam doesn’t care about much of anything, and gaston loves him for it.

and gaston’s on the cusp of teenagerhood when he realizes he loves adam, the prince, this is awful and he immediately has a panic attack over it, he’s to be lord and adam is to be king, it will never work, oh, and adam probably doesn’t like boys, and – oh my god, all those schoolyard taunts about him being gay we’re right this is a nightmare.

he’d freak out about this properly and probably go charging to the castle to confess his love in true embarrassing 12 year old fashion – except his parents set him down, pale, and say, “they’re gone, they’re all gone, the king and queen were found dead and the prince is gone and now a monster lives in the castle.” and of course gaston takes this to the most logical conclusion – a beast broke into the castle, killed the love of his young life, and now he’s claimed the castle for his own.

this is gaston’s defining moment okay, this is the point where he snaps and never goes back. he rebels against his parents, refuses to fit himself back into the mold of the perfect son, tries to live his life like adam would have wanted him to. that means being exactly who he is and damn the consequences. he focuses on his hair and his clothes and his looks, he pursues hunting because it reminds him of adam, because so much of their friendship took place in the woods, covered in mud and laughing. he pursues hunting because, one day, when he’s the very best he’s going to go the castle and kill the beast that killed adam. and his parents are furious about all of this and they disown him in favor of his young siblings and he just. doesn’t give a shit.

so he moves to the town, and everyone loves him, of course they love him. he’s loud and arrogant, but – he’s not cruel. he’s beautiful and brings in more pelts and meat than any other hunter and gaston doesn’t miss the days of being a young lordling in the slightest. but girls keep throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t know how to keep refusing either outing himself or hurting their feelings, so he goes to belle. belle, who is every inch as pretty he is. belle, who is smart and quiet and kind in a reserved sort of way. if there’s anyone who won’t judge him, it’s her.

so he goes to her, and tells her the truth – that he only likes men, that he’s not interested in advertising the fact, and asks her to pretend to be his lady. and belle, kind sweet belle, agrees. she does it out of sense of duty to help those in need, because nothing she knows of gaston says she will enjoy this. but she’s proven wrong, because gaston was raised to be a lord of course he’s educated, just because he doesn’t really care about any of that stuff doesn’t mean he doesn’t know it. and belle can speak with him like she can no other, because gaston has more formal education than anyone else in this village. and to their surprise, gaston and belle become friends, become the closest of friends, and gaston hasn’t known this closeness since adam, although it’s different because he loves belle but he’s not in love with belle.

and one day belle and her father are out traveling and sudden snowstorm forces them into the castle. belle knows there’s some sort of monster that supposedly lives there, but it’s either the castle for refuge or dying of cold outside, so into the castle they go. and instead of a hideous monster there’s adam, the beast. he’s rude and gruff and calls them twelve kinds of idiots for getting caught in a snowstorm in the first place. he offers them a room before sulking back into his study, watching the last petal threaten to the fall from the rose.

the castle is so excited to have guests, to have a young girl that may be their saving grace, and beast doesn’t know how to tell them that he likes girls well enough, but the only person he’s ever loved is a prickly, stuffy little boy who used to wring his hands together whenever they went looking for wolves. the storm doesn’t abate, and belle and her father stay. beast likes belle, likes how much she loves his library and the courteous way she speaks to all his staff even tho they’re all furniture, and he wishes he could love her, she is a woman that deserves to be loved. but he can’t.

back in the village, gaston has had it. the beast took adam from him, and he wont allow that thing to take belle. he rallies the villagers and goes marching to the castle, determined to save belle and her father, determined to kill the thing that killed adam.

so they storm the castle and he and the beast fight. belle and her father rush forward to stop the rest of the angry village men, and belle is screaming at gaston to stop, that things aren’t as they seem. but he’s mad with bloodlust, with revenge, and he’s about to take the beast’s head off with his axe when the beast lunges and pushes him to the ground, pinning him with an arm to his throat. and the muscle memory is so sudden and visceral that gaston freezes and stares at the snarling beast and whispers, “adam?”

and the beast blinks, and pulls back a little, and goes …… “gaston!?”

literally everyone is so confused, but they only get more confused when gaston throws himself at the beast and there’s a rush of magic as the last petal falls and the spell is broken. gaston sees beast for who he really is, loves him wholly and completely in the way only children can, and the curse is broken.

so gaston goes from having the beast in his arms to having a man, and he kisses him, outing himself in front of the whole village and not caring in the slightest. “i’ve missed you,” adam says, reaching out a hand to cup gaston’s cheek.

his staff are people again, and the cloud of darkness that had fallen over the castle is lifted. the old and irritable third cousin twice removed who’d been running the country is more than happy to hand it back over to adam, so happy in fact that he doesn’t question anything about this incredibly weird situation.

gaston and adam were children with a children’s love, but as adam gets his castle and kingdom up and running again, gaston is there. and their love deepens, and strengthens, and becomes something much more real and true than it ever was before. and gaston knows he can’t keep this, that adam will need to take a queen and gaston won’t be able to be with him after that.

except no one told adam that, because he goes to belle who just, never left the castle because she likes it and it likes her and her two favorite people are here. and also they’ll pry her from that library over her dead body. “hey,” adam says, “so, i’m kind of the king now.”

“i noticed,” belle answers, and doesn’t look up from her book.

adam considers closing it, but also considers that he likes his hands attached to his wrists. “want to get married? we’ll need to produce an heir or two, but beyond that you’ll get all the books you want and a whole country to boss around.” one of the things adam had quickly learned was that belle loved bossing people around.

belle doesn’t look up from her book. he hadn’t honestly expected her too. “okay. I’m dating plumette. im going to keep doing that.”

“nice,” he says, because plumette is a lot prettier now that she isn’t a feather duster.

so adam find gaston and tells him that he’s marrying belle, and gaston’s whole heart breaks but it makes sense, adam and belle make sense together, and he wishes he could make himself hate either of them but he can’t because he loves them both. but then adam is talking about how belle will have the rooms next to theirs, and gaston should probably stop paying rent for his house in the village, he lives in a literal palace, come on now.

and gaston figures out that adam is planning to stay with him, that belle is his wife and queen in name only and and gaston will continue to be the one in his heart and in his bed. adam is talking about how they all really need to sit down and do something about the redistribution of tax revenue, and they should probably do it before the wedding because otherwise their subjects will only show up to throw fruit at them. gaston cuts him off by pressing his king and love of his life against the wall and kissing him breathless.

cogsworth and lumiere walk by and pause mid-argument to wolf whistle at them before continuing on their way. gaston and adam end up having to hold each other up as they laugh so hard they can’t breath.

and everyone lives happily ever after.


read more of my retold fairytales here

10

Spencer Hastings & Toby Cavanaugh | S05E02 “Whirly Girlie” Original Script

music

2. We were dancing but all of a sudden it’s a slow song and we’re standing here awkwardly staring at each other

This Winter Screw is going much better than the last.

For one thing, Bittle’s date isn’t throwing up on his shoes, which Jack understood happened last year. And right now Bittle appears to be dancing with his date, or something like it. Jack, having seen the way Bittle can dance at parties, knows he’s toning it way down. Even so, Bittle is fun to watch on the dance floor, how the light catches his hair and how his smile widens as he jerks his hips from side to side with a laugh. He just always looks like he’s having a great time.

It strikes Jack kind of funny that he’s decided this Screw is going well based entirely on how good of a time Bittle’s having. God knows it has nothing to do with himself and his own date. Camilla and Jack have a quiet understanding; she’s with her friends, he’s … here, watching his pal on the dance floor, with an already-drained clear plastic cup of water and strangely itchy fingers.

But Jack’s not the kind of guy who has an actively good time at these things – they’re okay, he’s okay. It’s guys like Bittle, who are capable of having amazing times or miserable ones, that Jack has to calibrate his experience by.

Keep reading

2

To the left is 
Nagao Shizune, who will play our new Kiyoko!

To the right is 
Saitou Ami, who will play our new Yachi!

The two are actually the same age, both born in 1995, and actually, Yachi’s actress is older by 5 months!

ok but pepper was like “hm what should I do with this thing tony made in a cave to stop missile shrapnel from killing him. this thing that was in his chest. i know!!! let’s put it in a little display case with a cute plaque and give it to tony as a gift. perfect”

and tony was like “hm what should i do with this missile shrapnel that was killing me. this stuff that was surgically removed from my chest. i know!!! let’s make it into a little necklace with a cute heart pendant and give it to pep as a gift. perfect”

 these two morons are exactly each other’s brand of morbid weirdness and i Love It

What I say: Yeah, I’m fine

What I mean: NO I’M NOT FUCKING FINE! WHY ME?? MOTHER OF GOD THIS SHOULD BE PROHIBITED BY THE LAW! SEEING IN THE COURT, LITTLE BASTARD, CAUSE IF YOU, LEE JOOHEON, THINK YOU CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS HYUN?? NO! U CAN’T! YOU FUCKING CAN NOT!

  • Mika: ah...aah! Y-yuu-chan, stop it... It's too much... I can't... Take it...
  • Yuu: you have to resist, Mika. We can't stop at this point
  • Mika: but I can't breathe! Ngh! It's too much...
  • Yuu: you look so good like this, Mika
  • Mika: saying those things...in a moment like this
  • Yuu: just a little bit more...
  • Mika: I-I need to-!
  • Kimizuki: what the hell are you two doing?!
  • Yuu: oh, I'm just testing Mika's strength!
  • Mika: *carrying two cars with his arms* Yuu-chan...please...let me...go!
  • Yuu: tsk... all right, that's all for today
  • Mika: *throws the cars away* thank God *pants heavily* I might be strong but my body can only resist as much
  • Yuu: but you looked awesome! You are amazing, Mika! Imagine all the things you can do with a body that strong!
  • Mika: you scare me sometimes, Yuu-chan
  • Kimizuki: ...idiots
  • Kara: I can stare at you all day
  • Alex, in the other room: god these two
  • Kara: but I'd rather have you in my mouth *winks at Lena*
  • Alex: oh my god not in the kitchen you guys--
  • Kara: *trying to stuff several potstickers inside her mouth*
  • Lena: she's doing this to hurt me *flicks a piece of kale at Kara*
  • Alex: right, this is why I never visit anymore
Development of Celeb Crushes
  • Me: Wow what a classically beautiful person.
  • Brain: Uh-oh...
  • Me: No it's fine, they're not my type. Ha. I can appreciate a beautiful person without having to watch their entire back catalogue of work y'know.
  • Brain: You don't have time for this!
  • Me: Relax, it's just one film.
  • Brain: It's one film now, but then there's the three hours of Google Image Searches afterwards!
  • Me: Nonsense! I just want to make sure I'm immune.
  • Brain: Oh boy...
  • Me: It's fine. I can look at them and feel nothing.
  • Brain: ???
  • Me: I feel nothing.
  • Brain: Why have you spent 45 minutes looking at their pictures?
  • Me: I feel nothing.
  • Brain: You're imagining lazy Sunday morning cuddles with you as the little spoon! This is it. You're gone.
  • Me: I feel nothing. Maybe I am incapable of love now.
  • Brain: *eyeroll* Batten down the hatches, lads, she's gonna go - in three... two... one...
  • Me: Shit!
  • Brain: Here we go!
  • Me: They really are beautiful! Like oh my god look at them it's like they were carved by angels!!! Oh no no no no no!!! Not this! This can't be happening! Oh no! I thought I was immune! Why you play me this way, Brain?! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE?!?!?
  • Brain: *facepalm*