oh look at my shit again

Writers

Writer says: So I had this crazy idea one day and I just had to work on it. Here ya go!

Writer means: So I had this crazy idea either right before getting in the shower or right before falling asleep so I grabbed my fucking laptop and shat all over it to create the steaming pile of crap that I now lay before you. I don’t even know if it’s good anymore. I haven’t slept in two days.

Writer says: Wow, real life’s getting busy! Sorry on the slow updates.

Writer means: My life is a literal storm of shit at the moment. Why did I decide to do this. Why am I still doing this. Everything around me is spinning out of control and I am staying up ‘til 5:30 in the morning every night to create a piece of work that will only get two comments and 12 demands for quicker updates. I hope no one’s mad at me, all I wanted to do was write.

Writer says: Wow! Would you look at that! I updated on time! Please enjoy!

Writer means:  WOOOOOOHOOOOOO BITCHES LOOK AT THIS PRODUCTIVE ASSHOLE GO YEEEEEHAAAAWWWW TAKE THAT YOU NASTY REVIEWERS ALWAYS DEMANDING ME TO BE FASTER! I GOT THIS SHIT I GOT THIS SHIT

Writer says: This chapter was a toughie. Glad it’s finally done!

Writer means: I don’t know if this is good or not. I honestly don’t fucking know. I’ve read the same words over and over and over again and I just couldn’t look at it anymore. My beta said it was ok but I’m not confident but HOLY SHIT I JUST NEED TO STOP WRITING THIS FUCKIGN CHAPTER.

Writer says: Thanks for reading!

Writer means: Please, oh please oh please oh please leave me a review. A comment. Anything. Please tell me you’re out there. Please tell me someone is reading this.

Writer says: I just want to say that real life is getting pretty hectic right now. Please try to be patient with me, I know you guys want updates. Thanks! :)

Writer means: FUCK. YOU. Who the fuck do you think you are, demanding shit from me?! You don’t know my life! I have a very busy life! I create shit for free, you entitled son of a pig-fucker! STOP LEAVING ME COMMENTS TELLING ME TO UPDATE SOON OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL PUKE ALL OVER MY COMPUTER 

Writer says: What’s gonna happen next? Who knows? Hee hee ;)

Writer means: I have no fucking clue what the next chapter is going to look like. What’s my plot? I don’t know. I feel no emotion.

Writer says: Please leave a comment! It helps me write!

Writer means: I am begging you to leave me a comment because I swear it’s the only thing that’s keeping me motivated right now, I hate the work I put out and I need reassurance that people are actually enjoying this.

Writer says: I hope you enjoyed that chapter, big things are coming up! ;)

Writer means: Buckle up bitches, someone’s gonna die.

Writer says: I know I’ve missed a few updates, but I swear I plan on finishing this story! 

Writer means: *high pitched eternal screeching*

Writer says: Here we are at long last! This has been one wild ride. I want to thank you all so much for your support and love, I adore each and every one of you. I am so happy to say that this story has come to a wonderful close.

Writer means: My body is numb. Voices call out to me from the void, but I can no longer hear them over the beating of my racing heart. I am stressed to the point where I feel no relief. The story is done. It’s fucking DONE. I loved it, I hated it, it was a fucking storm of horror and pain. I can no longer see color. Now I can at last relax and…wait……wait a second………..holy shit I just thought of the best idea for a one-shot that’s totally gonna turn into a 50 chapter slow burn AU fic leT’S FUCKING DO THIS

Things the Hogwarts Houses say

(loosely based on conversations I’ve had/overheard)

Hufflepuff -

  • “If you don’t start singing along to High School Musical with me in under 30 seconds you will no longer be my best friend" 
  •  "I swear on my chicken nuggets-”
  • “Yes I made that joke up by my self - no it’s not from Spongebob Squarepants how dARE YOU-”
  • “Speaking of Spongebob can we just take a few moments to discuss how much of a masterpiece that first movie was please”
  • “Ah yes, it’s 3 in the morning, time to get emotional and tell all my friends how much I love them”
  • “You made me chocolate??? Oh my God I love you so much thank you I’ll have some right no - THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU TRICKED ME
  • “Oh my God yeah I saw that movie, my favourite part was when - oh shit wait there’s this adorable kitten video I meant to show you last week and I completely forgot let me get it up on my phone”
  • “Sorry I’m late I was up all night watching those videos where kids get surprised with puppies”
  • “Are you awake? Great, let’s start planning our future homes together, I have a pinterest board ready”
  • “This is my favourite photo album! It’s full of photos of all the cats and dogs I’ve made friends with on my walks, I’ve even given them all names”
  • (crying) “Stop calling me emotional God damn it”

Ravenclaw -

  •  "Of course I remember you said you liked the colour red, you told me at like 1:35 am last year in May"
  • “What? Simplifying equations? No, I can’t help with that but I do know all the words to every Simpsons episode in the first 5 seasons if that helps"
  • “Sorry I really can’t go out today. No I’m fine, I’m just stressed I’m doing something important. I’m trying to memorise all the words to this documentary about frogs - What? Yes of course it’s important!”
  • “I discovered and fully analysed that meme 3 weeks ago, step up your game”
  • “What do you mean why do I have a folder full of strategic plans on how to succeed at animal crossing, that’s not weird?”
  • “Sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been doing my own research and you’re getting all of this wrong. Well yes I know I’m not the teacher here but - Yes, actually, I’d love to teach the class my self I’ve already made a lesson plan, thank you”
  • No, I won’t come and see Jurassic World with you. Because it’s completely unrealistic! Do you have any idea what dinosaurs are actually supposed to have sounded and looked like? Even adult velociraptors weren’t meant to be that b - OK you know what, I will come, but I’ll be pointing out every single problem to you. No, it’s too late, you already invited me. I’m buying our tickets right now, don’t move”
  • “You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent YEARS studying this game and honing my skills, spending hours upon hours training until my hands cramp and even my tv is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing and you think YOU can beat me? Let’s fucking go
  • “I think these guys think I want to murder them because I followed them home but it’s only because I overheard them talking about what would happen if Pokemon is real and I wanted to see how good their logic was”
  • “Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for 17 years and I’m not about to start now”
  • (crying) "I just want Shakespeare’s ghost to be proud of me”

Gryffindor - 

  • “I’d love to have a sleepover but it can only be when there’s a thunderstorm so we can dance in the rain, let me check the weather forecast”
  • “Did that bee just try and sting you? COME BACK HERE BEE YOU COWARD I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP - wait shit no run”
  • "What did you say? Don’t touch it? Alright.” (touches it as soon as the person turns away) “Sucker”
  • “Whaaat? Someone wrote on the desk? No it wasn’t me I would never do th - My name was there? Well, I’m not the only one in the world with my na - My surname was there too? What are the chances?!”
  • “Help me I started saying lmao ironically and I can’t stop”
  • “Before you say anything it wasn’t me - unless it was something awesome then I definitely planned the whole thing”
  • Excuse me? They said what to you? … I have to go for a second, I just remembered something completely unrelated. No, no, I’m not taking this fork with me for any particular reason”
  • “Um, did you just tell me it’s impossible to sing along to a guitar solo? Stand back. Your mind is about to get blown”
  • “I am so not drunk! I’m completely drunk! … Wait shit I meant sober”
  • “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU AAAH LET ME HUG YOU! I’M NOT LETTING GO FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS, GET COMFORTABLE BITCH”
  • “I bet I can stay up for longer than you - what no I’m not tired shut up - nO THAT WASN’T A YAWN I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS TIRED - SEE I DID IT AGAIN TOTALLY ON PURPO - ok fuck you I’m going to sleep”

Slytherin - 

  • “Oh my God, just tell me what you did already so I can start complaining”
  • “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you say STOP saying fuck, or KEEP ON saying fuck?”
  • “Over your dead body? I was hoping you’d say that”
  • “If you even LOOK at them one more time I will take a stick as big as your ego and stick it right up your-”
  • “Don’t come near me or - OK fine, we can snuggle for exactly 15 minutes. I’m setting a timer now”
  • “Hey, I saw you posted a picture of us on instagram yesterday where my eyeliner isn’t completely straight? You’re gonna have to delete that, if anyone thinks my eyeliner isn’t drop dead perfect every day and that I’m not a literal make up goddess I’ll lose my reputation as the Regina George of the school”
  • “But keep the one where I’m wearing no make up so that all those bitches know I still kill it without trying”
  • “Oh come on, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you! Speaking of which, that video I posted on youtube the other day of you falling down the flight of escalators in the shopping centre has reached over 1000 views”
  • “My dad told me tattoos were trashy so I got a giant tattoo saying ‘trashy’ on my back I’ll send you his reaction later”
  • “I’m not a sentimental person but if you touch my teddy bear I will turn you into a stuffed trophy to put next to him”
  • “What do you mean I look smug this is my normal face”
Little ADHD class time things

~taking a sip of water every 5-10 seconds

~clicking your pen repeatedly until you realize you’re doing it

~doing that pen shaking thing with your fingers

~doodling

~more doodling

~WAIT SHIT TOO MUCH DOODLING

~tuning in in the middle of a sentence

~wait what was the professor saying about this right before this very second when I started listening again

~staring at the teacher without hearing anything they’re saying

~looking everywhere but the teacher and comprehending everything they’re saying

~looking around the room wait did I just see something looks again oh wait no that was something else looks at clock when is this class over looks at teacher looks lOOKS

~BLESS VISUAL AIDS

HE

Anger levels

Aries mars:

  1. FIGHT ME
  2. FIGHT ME
  3. FIGHT ME

Taurus mars:

  1. Who the fuck are you? Stay silent please.
  2. Okay you’re not listening to me and that’s making me a bit nervous.
  3. .
  4. .
  5. .
  6. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Gemini mars:

  1. hahahahahaahaha you’re so angry
  2. Well let’s see, you’re so wrong bc *throw away all his arguments* that’s it, buddy. Go home, enjoy life.
  3. *Still isn’t angry*

Cancer mars:

  1. You’re angry? Well I can’t understand what I’ve done to make you angry, literally I’m not like that in fact I should be angry with you for making all this drama.
  2. How???? YOu’re hurting me and you fucking like it, You are always hurting me and throwing all your problems onto me can you stop please I DON’T DESERVE THIS.
  3. You’re the worst person that I’ve known. I hate u *hates them until they ask for forgiveness* Okay let’s hang out, I know a cool place we could go :)

Leo mars:

  1. How u dare
  2. HOW U DARE TO TALK TO ME THAT WAY YOU’RE NOT THINKING YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM
  3. I WILL CHASE YOU UNTIL YOU PLEAD FORGIVENESS AND I WON’T BE FRIEND WITH YOU ANYMORE ALL THE PEOPLE WILL KNOW THE SHITTY PERSON YOU’RE AND…
  4. *Gets bored*
  5. I still hate u but I have better things to do ;*.

Virgo mars:

  1. I don’t find interesting fighting you.
  2. Don’t you have something better to do than yelling to a wall?
  3. You’re kinda idiot, aren’t you? Let’s see, you’re yelling inside a room (that, metaphorically, can be your own head) to someone that isn’t understanding and, furthermore, doesn’t care about the problem itself. Don’t you catch the uselessness of this situation? Plus, you gotta check your arguments. They’re too weak and poorly presented.
  4. Go and sleep for some hours. You’ll be cool and tomorrow we’ll be able to debate this thing.

Libra mars:

  1. Why are you so angry? 
  2. You’re killing my vibe.
  3. Okay I came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
  4. Okay shut up you’re right *changes subject abruptly*.

Scorpio mars:

  1. I will hunt you down till the day I die.

Sagittarius mars:

  1. Okay your arguments are totally messed up let me explain it to you, little.
  2. Haven’t you listened to me?? WHY ARE YOU CONTRADICTING ME? Okay you should be respectful of others opinions *five minutes later*  You need some fucking education. I’m never talking to you again!
  3. .
  4. Wait we were fighting? When?

Capricorn mars:

  1. You’re not worth my time.
  2. I won’t stoop to your level.
  3. .
  4. .
  5. .
  6. Fucking run.

Aquarius mars:

  1. You look so silly! Ow, look at these short-minded, their stupidity makes them adorable…
  2. Your arguments are sooo uninteresting. I’ve heard this like 2 times before *rolls eyes*.
  3. Ow, they’re so angry, I can’t stop laughing… oh, wait, what have you said?
  4. OKAY YOU WANTED IT BITCH *starts throwing away all his arguments while trying to look confident and so over it*.

Pisces mars:

  1. Your anger makes me angry. Stop being angry. I don’t want to fight okay
  2. I don’t want to fight please I’ll be all messed up aND I HATE U
  3. *sobbing* I’m sorry can’t we be friends again?

Thanks @phantasticforfob for helping me writing this shit.

Scavenger Hunt

Stiles/Derek, T, 2500 words, Meet Cute AU

Written for the following prompt:

“i picked up your bag at the airport but i can’t find your number so i’m about to embark on the largest scavenger hunt of all time by using your strange belongings to track you down” au

“Honey, I’m home!” Stiles calls out as he wrestles his roll bag over their entry mat.

“That’s still not funny,” Scott says, without looking up from his textbook.

“Once again, we disagree.”

Scott snorts. “How was the trip?”

“Fine,” he says, plopping down right in the middle of the living room to start unpacking. “Typical conference. Some sessions were actually interesting, most were boring as shit.”

Scott hums, already absorbed again in his reading. Stiles reaches for the zipper on his suitcase but then freezes—this is definitely the same brand as his suitcase, but he doesn’t remember this extra zippered pocket on the top.

“Oh, shit.”

“What?”

Stiles grimaces. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t my suitcase. Goddamn it.”

Scott finally looks up, frowning. “Shit, really? How’d you manage that?”

“It was a redeye,” Stiles says, running a hand through his hair. “I was exhausted, in fucking LaGuardia, and I was just trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible.”

“Is there a name on it? Are you sure it’s not yours?”

“Pretty sure,” Stiles says, feeling around the sides for the pocket. He sighs when he pulls out the little card and sees that it’s blank. “Motherfucker. This is definitely not my suitcase because I’m actually smart enough to put my name on it.”

“Sorry, man,” Scott says sympathetically as Stiles falls back on the rug with an anguished groan.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Open it,” Scott suggests. “Maybe there’s something with their name on it.”

Stiles fiddles with the zipper. He’s nosy as hell, in general, and normally he’d be jumping at the chance to rifle through someone else’s personal belongings. But… 

“What if there’s like, dead bodies in there or something?” he asks, and Scott just stares at him for a second. Stiles rolls his eyes—that’s a perfectly valid concern. Or maybe he watches too many police procedurals, whatever. “Okay, fine.”

Stiles holds his breath as he slowly unzips the suitcase, but nothing happens when he lets the top part flop back onto their crappy, threadbare rug. There’s a Dodgers hat on top, and Stiles grimaces. “Well, they have shitty taste in baseball teams.”

He sets the hat carefully aside and keeps digging. The person is neat, whoever they are, because everything is folded, and all the dirty clothes are even all contained in their own zippered bag. At first glance, there’s nothing too out of the ordinary—phone charger, American Gods, Calvin Klein briefs. Fancy, he thinks. There’s a monogrammed leather toiletry bag (DSH, he commits those initials to memory), and he pokes through it.

“I’m gonna make an educated guess that it’s a guy.”

“Why’s that?” Scott says, finally looking somewhat interested in this mystery.

Stiles holds up an electric razor. “And that he’s maybe not totally straight,” he says, brandishing a little bottle of lube that’s about three-quarters full.

Scott rolls his eyes. “Lots of people use lube.”

“Yeah, but do you travel with it?” Stiles counters, and Scott sighs.

“No,” he admits. “Did you find anything with his actual name on it?”

“Not yet,” Stiles says absently. He continues to rifle through the bag until he’s pretty sure he has his plan of attack. “Okay. I’m gonna find out who it is,” he says with a determined nod, and Scott frowns.

“How? This is New York City! There are literally millions of dudes here.”

“It’ll be like a real-life scavenger hunt,” Stiles says dreamily, ignoring Scott as he carefully lays his three chosen items out on the coffee table. “This is awesome.”

Keep reading

Writing Prompts

Send me a quote with a character or ship and I’ll write a one shot/drabble.

1. “Don’t you say that… not you”
2. “I know it’s 3 in the morning, but I can’t find my cat”
3. “Make me”
4. “Is that my shirt?”
5. “If you walk out that door… don’t you ever come back”
6. “Don’t you die on me”
7. “Please… just leave me alone”
8. “I can’t keep fighting like this”
9. “I need you”
10. “Where were you when I needed you?”
11. “Will you just shut up for a minute and let me think?!”
12. “I just want you to be happy”
13. “It’s time to say goodbye”
14. “Please…stay…”
15. “I don’t want to hurt you”
16. “Just shut up and kiss me”
17. “Ignore me, I didn’t see anything”
18. “I wish I could stop loving you”
19. “I’m scared”
20. “I’ll protect you no matter what… even if it kills me”
21. “You knocked on my door at 1 in the morning, to cuddle?”
22. “I can’t do this without you”
23. “Love is stupid”
24. “I trusted you”
25. “No, please don’t!”
26. “I’m not gonna let you get yourself killed!”
27. “I’m with you okay? Always”
28. “I thought you loved me”
29. “I told you this would happen”
30. “What? You think you’re the only one suffering?”
31. “You’re alive?!”
32. “Don’t you try and pin this on me!”
33. “Why are you like this?”
34. “If you really love me, you’ll let me go”
35. “Why are you looking at me like that”
36. “I hate you”
37. “Because I love you god damn it!”
38. “Oh well good for you”
39. “I’m not gonna keep having this conversation”
40. “I could hold you forever”
41. “Every time I see you, I fall in love with you all over again”
42. “This is hard for me too”
43. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me”
44. “Close your eyes”
45. “Will you marry me?”
46. “I’m in love…shit”
47. “Go on, I dare you”
48. “Kiss me.”
49. “I’d rather die”
50. “Please… I need you”

Our party has arrived back in town in need of funds and unsure what our next step should be. We decide head to the Orion Guild, where we can earn some gold and hopefully get a clue as to where we should go next.

DM: As you enter, you see Guildmaster Cid in his usual spot on the counter. It’s early enough in the day that most of the tables are empty… [and so on]

Me: [Fighter] checks the board for bounties.

The DM puts down a small handful of papers in front of us–the bounties that we’re eligible to take at our current ranks in the guild. One bounty reads:

ROAD BLOCKED!

A Crash of Rhinoceros has taken up station NE of Neverwinter on the main trade road, charging those who try to pass. They need to be removed, by force if necessary.

Sister: This one shouldn’t take too long, it’s just on the road.

Me: And [Druid] will probably like it.

My sister looks confused, which I don’t understand since her druid’s been taking every opportunity to seek out new animals to wildshape.

Sister: What’s [Druid] got to do with bandits?

Me: What bandits?

Sister: The crash of rhinoceros?

Me: Oh, I think he meant crash as in group. Like, actual rhinos.

DM: Yep.

Sister: …But then how are they collecting the tolls?

There’s a moment of silence. I actually lean over to look at the bounty again, since I didn’t remember reading the word “tolls” anywhere. Then he speaks slowly:

DM: …what tolls?

She looks at us like we’re nuts.

Sister: The ones they’re charging people on the road…?

And then she gets it. Her whole face changes.

Sister: Oh. You mean the rhinos are actually charging people.

We had to break for a few minutes until we got the laughter under control.

Imagine you and Dylan are responsible for 90% of the bloopers

Pairing: Dylan x reader

Warnings: nah

A/N: This was taken from my other blog the-famdoms-shall-be-united  I wrote this just on another blog! It is not plagiarism!


We were running, that’s all we’ve ever done, and yet, I will never get used to it. The sand dune was huge, Thomas laced his fingers with mine, pulling me towards him when we reached the top.

“There they are” Thomas finally spoke as we peered into the distance.

“ That’s where we’re going “ The wind brushed through our hair-

“Oh my god” my boyfriend Dylan yelled as he started to fall back. I was then when I realized our hands were still intertwined.

“ Shit, no Dylan!” I exclaimed as I too fell back landing on top of him.

“ Thomas! Y/C/N!” Ki Hong screamed.

“ You dick!” I chuckled shoving him slightly.

“ I’m sorry baby!” Dylan said with a kiss to my nose.


What’s with the ‘Rat Man’? “Minho asked us quietly as Janson walked away.

“ I don’t know but I think he’s on Game Of Thrones” Dylan calmly stated not even breaking into a smile while Kaya bent over with laughter.

“Oh my god! Can I get your autograph? I love that show!” I screamed running after Aidan.


The sound of the choppers grew nearer.

“ Get Down! Everybody hide, hide!-” Thomas frantically running-

“Fuck where?!” I bent over laughing. Looking up, I saw Dylan smiling at me.

Take two

“ Get Down! Everybody hide, hide!-” Thomas frantically running-

Everyone began running in different directions again.

“What did we talk about?!” Dylan yelled. It startled me, I clumsily tripped over my foot and fell.

“ Mother, shit, fuck!” I wailed.

“ Baby?!” Dylan called running in my direction. Once he saw I was on the ground, he burst into a fit of laughter.

“No! Y/C/N! I will avenge you!” he crawled towards me.

“ Shut up!” I said before pulling him into a kiss earning a chorus of ‘aww’s’ from the cast and the crew. Dylan and I lifted up our middle fingers to them, flipping them off. Earning a chorus of laughter from the team.

Masterlist

Request

Prompt list

Man, I was so ready to watch Castlevania and cringe at yet another wild reinterpretation of Dracula, but erm

it happened in the right part of the country?

Lisa is from an actual real village?

there was a bit of traditional Romanian architecture?

and they kept (and did a pretty good job with) the names of the cities in Wallachia?

also. “I could pee in a bucket and tell him it’s beer” and “God shits in my dinner once again” are such brands of Romanian vulgarity and humour, oh man, I laughed so hard

Basically this was a series where I could actually look and see tidbits of my country on screen and that made me so happy omfg (I honestly don’t give a shit about historical inaccuracies in this one, I loved it so much)

(Ţepeş and Lisa were emotional manipulation at its finest, I wanted to cry and bitch, I already have an otp where a vampire goes mad with grief and commits genocide following their spouse’s death, I don’t need another one)

Kanaya Style Variation Ratings

0 is “I love her” and 10 is me sobbing on the floor

The Kanaya sprite, a classic. Not a fan of sprites, personally, and by the time we got to Kan’s intro I was hoping for a bit less. 2/10

A better introduction. She is clearly jacked, by the 1 handed grip on that chainsaw, and offers a mischievous grin upwards. 6/10

oh m- oh my god oh- ethereal. 9/10

Kan’s first talksprite. Cryptid. 1/10

Crayonaya - for the actions and resurrection,  7/10

Please. 8/10

“But that’s the exact same art style, same scen-” 7/10

Oh my; tall, looks like a teen, as she is a teen. 10/10

Kanaya’s second talksprite- shaped like a friend. 10/10

: 7/10

Everything was red doo dodo. Ferocious.  6/10

“That’s from Paradox Space, not-” 11/10

“THAT’S ALS-” 8/10

ok this is her talksprite again but look how much she does not give a shit. 6/10

A sketchy colored look with good shapes, 7/10

she looks really cute w the left side of her face swollen, like a dog who ate a bee 9/10

dumfoundedly happy 20/10

We had just finished our first quest, where none of us really were experienced DnD player, and I did some feeble attempts at solid DM'ing. The goal of the quest had been to find an antidote for a farmer’s son who had gone into a magical coma.

(ps: due to an inside joke, Winnie the Pooh is in the party like, just there. Christopher Robin is the farmers son who fell ill. The party coloured winnie the pooh neon pink. I don’t know why.)

DM: You reach the farm. You don’t have to roll shit to figure out these peeps are poor. They have a cow and a goat in a small pen that don’t look too hot. Oh, and there’s a donkey tied by the door to their shedlike home.

Elf Ranger: guys i think these peeps are super poor.

Half-Elf Cleric (only good aligned partymember): oh my god really????

DM: just as you say that, the door creaks open, and a thin, a bit aged man peeks out, and when he sees you, his eyes go wide and he steps fully outside, and he says “Are you the ones my daughter sent to- have you found it? Did you find the antidote for my son?”

Half-Elf Cleric: Hello we are here to speak to you about Jesus Christ- I mean, Njord. That’s my deity, right?

Elf Ranger: Yeah, the word of Njord.

Dward Fighter (whose alignment is sorta fuzzy): Yeah we got some antidote dude but uhh time cough up some gold pieces, aight

DM: So- these news fills him with both glee and fear. He sinks down on his feet-

Half-Elf Cleric: What was he on before

DM: -His knees. He sinks down on his knees, and he brings his hands together in your typical prayer like- he’s begging you. “Please, we have… nothing.”

Tiefling Warlock (Chaotic Neutral): sad trombone

DM: “Please, I- I have but one son, he and my daughter are- we won’t be able to do the amount of work- we need him!”

Tiefling Warlock: “Shall we move on, my fellows?”

DM: As you guys speak about this, Winnie the Pooh slides down from /Half-Elf Cleric/’s shoulders, where he’s been perched, and sort of waddles forward, past the begging father, and into the house, to join Christopher Robin.

Half-Elf Cleric: AWWWWWW

Dwarf Fighter: Ey he didn’t swipe the antidote from us, did he?

DM: No- no, you still got that.

Tiefling Warlock: I would’ve Eldritch Blasted his ass if he had.

Half-Elf Cleric: I think we should just give them the antidote.

DM: Like- just to clarify: the antidote is not like- a valuable thing. It’s just this one specific conconction for this particular- you won’t get more cash out of this anywhere else, nobody is gonna run up to you and go “oh, my father is in a magical coma and needs an antidote that-!” like. It’s literally worthless except for these people.

Tiefling Warlock: But we won't have to help someone pro bono.

Half-Elf Cleric: *annoyed sigh* I don’t give a damn about money.

Everyone except her: *horrified gasps*

Dwarf Fighter: … well, you guys do got a nice ass-

Everyone: WHAT

Dwarf Fighter: the donkey. You got a nice donkey.

DM: You… want the donkey.

Half-Elf Cleric: IS IT EEYORE

Everyone: YES we want the donkey.

DM: … The man looks at the donkey and then at you, and he goes “I- If it is a trade between the life of my son and my donkey, it’s- then it’s yours.” And- and Eeyore looks up at you all-

Everyone: YES IT’S EEYORE

DM: -and he goes “I figured I was going to get sold anyway…”

Half-Elf Cleric: AWWW

DM: and the farmer goes “AAA” cus he didn’t know he had a talking donkey

Dwarf Fighter: eyy hasn’t he seen Shrek talking donkeys means cash

DM: yeah well that doesn’t matter now cus he’s giving him to you guys

Dwarf Fighter: right you are

DM: and the man unties Eeyore and he sighs deeply and he goes “this surely won’t make things easier for us… but in exchange for my son… *sigh*”

Tiefling and Dwarf: oh stop moping around jesus hell

Half-Elf Cleric: EYY if I have a ‘set of commoners clothes’ can i give them to them cus they look poor right

DM: I guess

Half-Elf Cleric: EYYYYYYYYYYYY

DM: but then you’d be naked

Half-Elf Cleric: NÄÄÄIJ in that case fuck it you don’t get shit i’m sorry i tried

DM: -and you just start taking of your clothes to give them to the man, but you realise halfway through what you’re doing and you get dressed again

Tiefling: cover yourself, woman

DM: so- let me get this straight. You guys literally have a box on wheels that you pull along with you, and it is filled… with the golden heads of a pair of statues AND YOU WANNA TAKE THIS POOR FAMILYS DONKEY.

Tiefling: survival of the fittest, honey *grabs rope with Eeyore on the other end*

-they go inside and give Christopher Robin the antidote-

Christopher Robin: what the fuck

DM: And the family all rejoice at the awakening of their son, and they turn and thank you, and they’re in the middle of hugging you all when the farmer murmurs “They… they took the donkey.” and the whole family just. Goes quiet-

Dwarf Fighter: fucking tattletale?

DM: - and the mother sort of sinks down on her chair and she whisperes “How will we surviv-”

Tiefling: Oh for fucks- “look, woman, if you don’t shut up I’ll Eldritch Blast your ass-”

Half-Elf Cleric: “HEY WHAT”

DM: The woman gasps loudly and pales-

Dwarf Fighter: “Yo what’s the problem don’t you want a talking donkey”

Half-Elf Cleric: “I meant the whole threatening to KILL HER actually”

Tiefling: “I wasn’t threatening her, I was just stating a fact”

DM: That if she wouldn’t shut up you’d kill her?

Tiefling: It’s a very known fact.

DM: Winnie the Pooh is looking at Christopher Robin with such glee; it’s really indescribable how happy he’s looking, and he’s hopping around happily and he’s climbing up on the bed to give him a big old hug, and Christopher Robin, he goes- “What the- could you guys like take the bear away from me.”

Everyone: “WHAT”

Half-Elf Cleric: “Isn’t he like with you?”

Christopher Robin: “Wh- no? I just went into the woods and he just came up to me, and I found this ruin and he just followed me? And then I got stung by something and that’s all I remember? Could you like take him away he’s a bit creepy. And why is he pink?”

Half-Elf Cleric: “Well uhh he’s yours now. You don’t have a donkey anymore, so-”

DM: And this sorta comes as news to him cus when the father told the fam he had just woken up so he was a bit disoriented so now he goes “Wh-Why is-? What happened to our donkey?” And the father, he goes “Well, son, it was their demand to give you the antidote… and-”

Tiefling: “By the way… can we get this transaction on paper?”

DM: - and the boy turns to you incredulously, and he goes “But-! You can’t! We need that donkey, without it we’ll die!”

Dwarf: “You’re young and strong, boy, time to saddle up.”

Tiefling: “You got a bear now.”

DM: - And Christopher Robin starts to cry too, and he goes “You might’ve saved our lives, but you’ve killed our family-”

Dwarf: “Anywho, gots to go.”

DM: So, you go to leave the shedlike home, and the athmostphere is next to devastated-

Dwarf: “Okay, okay, I ain’t okay with this. We go here and save your life, and you guys are devastated? Really?”

Tiefling: “I agree entirely. Ungrateful runt.”

Cleric: “I-”

DM: “And Chrisopher Robin slams the door in your face.”

Cleric: “No, I was- I was gonna whisper to him “I didn’t want this, I wanted to let you have it for free-”

DM: -Okay, so you whisper that, and he just stares you down, and he shakes his head, and tears are falling down, and he just spits out “You’re just as bad as them for letting it happen anyway,” and he throws the door shut in front of your face after doing that.

Cleric: “GODDAMNIT”

DM: okay so like just to state- like, you guys are super welcome to just. give them something on your own accord, like, out of your own pocket, you picked up som gold in that temple, so if you want to-

Cleric: I WANNA GIVE THEM 100 GP

Tiefling: WHAT “NO, NO, DON’T” ok so I try to pursuade /cleric/ not to do it.

DM: You- you can’t roll to make another player do stuff they don’t wanna do.

Tiefling: Okay, uh “Hey, /cleric/. Don’t do it.” There, you’re pursuaded.

Cleric: … yeah, nah. I give them the gold.

DM: So- you hammer on the door and you shout “I GOT GOLD FOR YOU” or something like that, and Christopher Robin opens the door, and once he sees the gold you’re extending, he- he is so happy. He takes the gold and he goes to hug you, and the entire family comes out and does the same, they can buy like 3 donkeys now i dunno how GP works in dnd yet uhhh so-

Tiefling: Fuck this, I eldritch blast Christopher Robin.

Cleric: NO YOU DON’T i stand in the way.

DM: -Fine? Uh, roll an attack roll.

Tiefling: Twelve.

DM: You miss. You hit the ground.

Tiefling: … don’t I hit the house at least?

DM: NO YOU- WHY DO YOU WANT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN

 Cleric: WHY WOULD YOU STILL ROLL WHEN I WAS STANING IN THE WAY- YOU TRIED TO KILL ME

Ranger: All of this for a donkey

DM: Nah, dude, you got the donkey. This is because /Cleric/ gave them 100 GP

Ranger: Oh okay

Dwarf: Yeah, but they’re super ungrateful. Bastards.

Cleric: Yeah but we can’t KILL THEM for that??

DM: so the family, they- after the attempted murder, they run back into the house. 

Dwarf: Did they take the gold?

DM: Yeah.

Dwarf: Rat bastards.

DM: Does /Tiefling/ want to keep his spree of ‘teaching people some manners’ going or?

Tiefling: Nahhh. But he does cast sleep on /Cleric/ cus he’s pissed.

Cleric: haHA i’m a half elf and I can’t be magically put to sleep!

Tiefling: Nvm then I’m tired.

DM: So- you guys walk away from the house, and just for a moment you hear the door opening and then quickly closing-

Ranger: No

DM: -and you turn, and- Winnie the Pooh has been tossed out of the house.

Dwarf: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT when Njord taketh a donkey he giveth thee an illuminescent bear, and they just TOSS HIM OUT

DM: - and Winne the Pooh sits on the ground very- very sadly. Had he had tear ducts, he would cry a single tear. He is on the ground-

Ranger: Still pink?

DM: Still pink.

Cleric: :’(

Ranger: ugh FINE let’s take him with us.

DM: You go and pick him up, and he is so happy. So, so happy.

Dwarf: what are we, collecting Winnie the Pooh characters?

DM: He’s on /clerics/ shoulder again-

Tiefling: Can’t we put him on Eeyores back?

Dwarf: Can’t we put EEYORE on WINNIE THE POOH’s back?

DM: You put Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh back, and you now have a donkey on top of a bear on the ground. They are not moving.

Cleric: Oh dear.

DM: And Eeyore sighs and goes “I knew I’d be too heavy”

Everyone: “AWWWWWW”

bad | 01

 He was the cliché bad boy. He was the guy you couldn’t stand. He was the handsome, hot kid who made girls go weak in the knees. He was a brat. You had never liked him one bit, but you had also never gotten involved with anything concerning him. Until one day, when you were in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

Originally posted by thesoshisone

MEMBER: jeon jungkook x reader

GENRE: romance, smutish, fluff

WORDS: 2 506

WARNINGS: badboy!jungkook, cussing, mature

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07coming soon

A/N: if people like this, I’ll make another part. it won’t be a long series, though. this will probably be cliché af. but please, pretty pretty pretty please tell me what you think. THANKS.

Keep reading

Prompts

1.“Do you want me to leave?”

2,“You are not going without me.”

3.“I can’t believe you!”

4.“I swear it won’t happen again.”

5.“What did you say?”

6.“I’m not jealous.”

7.“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

8.“We can’t keep doing this.”

9.“Isn’t this amazing?”

10.“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

11.“Stay the night. Please.”

12.“You can’t die. Please don’t die.”

13.“Run away with me.”

14.“You did WHAT?”

15.“Quit whining.”

16.“Get outta my sight!”

17.“Why are you so annoying?”

18.“Were you ever going to tell me?”

19.“Never in a million years.”

20.“Don’t ask me that…”

21.“I might have had a few shots.”

22.“What’s with the box?”

23.“W- What are you doing?”

24.“Say it!”

25.“I could kiss you right now!”

26.“Are you done with that?”

27.“What’s going on here?”

28.“Stop pinning this on me! You started it!”

29.“It’s your fault we’re in this mess.”

30.“Did you do this on purpose?!”

31.“Kiss me.”

32.“Are you still awake..?”

33.“Excuse you?”

34.“This is all your fault!”

35.“Don’t give me that look! It wasn’t my fault!”

36.“I shouldn’t be in love with you!”

37.“It’s not fair!”

38.“I could kill you right now!”

39.“Knock it off!”

40.“Screw you!”

41.“I can’t be in love with you!”

42.“Make me.”

43.“Don’t tempt me.”

44.“I hate you.”

45.“You are infuriating!”

46.“Just shut up already.”

47.“That doesn’t even make sense.”

48.“Just admit I’m right.”

49.“Just admit you’re wrong.”

50.“You are being ridiculous!”

51.“That’s irrational.”

52.“Listen to me!”

53.“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

54.“Don’t yell at me.”

55.“That’s it. End of discussion.”

56.“I don’t believe you.”

57,“You shouldn’t have said that.”

58.“Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

59.“How dare you?”

60.“I dare you!”

61.“It’s you, it’s always been you.”

62.“Well this is awkward…”

63.“Just pretend to be my date”.

64.“Are you really gonna leave without asking me the question you’ve been dying to ask me?”

65.“You think I’m dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?”

66.“When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”

67.“I think I’ve been holding myself back from falling in love with you all over again.”

68.“You know we’re supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, and you know it, too. I know you do.”

69.“Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

70.“I’m not going to apologize for this. Not anymore.”

71.“That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.”

72.“Could I sit here? All the other tables are full.”

73.“You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m so embarrassed!”

74.“It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”

75.“This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.“

76.“It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion.”

77.“It’s midnight, what do you want?”

78.“I think I know how to use a bed.”

79.“I have something to tell you…”

80.“I think I’m pregnant.”

81.“No, no, no, no, no, we aren’t ready… We aren’t ready for kids yet!”

82.“Your hair is so soft…”

83.“You’re so cute when you pout like that!”

84.“Just relax, I’ll wash your hair for you.”

85.“I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

86.“What, does that feel good?”

87.“Are you wearing my shirt?”

88.“You are ridiculously comfortable…”

89.“I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with…”

90.“You’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this…”

91.“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

92.“Aren’t they beautiful?”

93.“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.”

94.“Shooting star, make a wish.”

5.“It’s actually a comet, but I’ll still make one.”

96.“Imagine if it could always be this way, even in the city.”

97.“Wow, you’re hot.”

98.“Keep sweet-talking and this could go a whole new direction.”

99.“Take off your clothes.”

100.“Tell all those other guys/girls you don’t need them ‘cause you got me.”

101.“Don’t give me that face, it’s so cute I might not be able to hold back.”

102.“After everything you did, you’re asking ME to apologize for snapping at you ONCE?”

103.“Are you drunk?”

104.“Are you hitting on her for me?”

105.“Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!”

106.“Are you okay?” “Why do you ask?” “You’re wearing two different shoes.”

107.“Are you really taking his side against me?”   

108.“At what point did you think that was a good idea?”

109.“Come over here and make me.”

110.“Come with me.”

111.“Could you be happy here with me?”

112.“Can I kiss you?”

113.“Come back to bed.”

114.“Be my wife.”

115.“Before I do this, I need you to know that I have always loved you.”

116.“Damn. You clean up good.”

117.“Did I just say that out loud?”

118.“Did I stutter?”

119.“Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

120.“Did you hear that?”

121.“Do you ever think we should just stop this?”

122.“Don’t say that. Not now.”

123.“Do you think she could have loved me?”

124.“Don’t say you love me.”

125.“Don’t you ever do that again!”

126.“Either ask her out or I will do it for you!”

127.“Excuse me, I’m terribly lost. Can you help me?”

128.“Everyone deserves a second chance.”

129.“Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

130.“For some reason I’m attracted to you.”

131.“Frankly, I couldn’t care less.”

132.“Go on then, tell me. Tell me you don’t love me.”

133.“Go then, leave! See if I care!”

134.“H-How long have you been standing there?”

135.“Have I ever lied to you?”

136.“Have you lost your damn mind?”

137.“Hey, have you seen the…? Oh…”

138.“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

139.“His ego is so visible; I can almost watch it grow.”

140.“Hold me back!”

141.“How dare you?”

142.“How could anyone be that cruel?”

143.“How long has it been?”

144.“I almost lost you!”

145.“I am not losing you again!”

146.“I came here to explain what happened, and I’m not leaving until you listen.”

147.“I can manage on my own.”

148.“I can’t… I can’t lose you.”

149.“I can’t get you out of my head.”

150.“I can’t let you do that.”

151.“I can’t start over again.”

152.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

153.“I choose you!”

154.“I could never leave you, I love you too much!”

155.“I didn’t ask for any of this!”

156.“I didn’t realize I needed your permission.”

157.“I don’t care what he said, it doesn’t mean jack squat.”

158.“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

159.“I don’t know why I’m crying.”

160.“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

161.“I don’t want to let you down.”

162.“I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

163.“I had to see you again.”

164.“I hate you!”  “No, you don’t.”

165.“I just need you to do this one thing for me.”

166.“I just really need to have you here right now.”

167.“I just want this.”

168.“I just want to be alone right now.”

169.“I just wanted you to know that when I picture myself happy… It’s with you.”

170.“I know, but I love him… You can’t give up on someone you love.”

171.“I love you.”   “I know.”

172.“I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you and – Oh, screw it!”

173.“I love you for you! Don’t you dare think otherwise!”

174.“I love you more than anything in this world… which is why you have to stay here.”

175.“I made a mistake.”

176.“I may be an idiot but I’m your idiot.”

177.“I need you to forgive me.”

178.“I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

179.“I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.”

180.“I think I’m in love with you and that scares me to death.”

181.“I think we need to talk.”

182.“I thought you were dead…”

183.“I trusted you!”

184.“I waited and waited, but you never came back!”

185.“I wasn’t planning on asking you, but I’ve come to realize that life is short. Will you marry me?”

186.“I won’t give up if you won’t.”

187.“I-I can’t trust you anymore…”

188.“I’ll be right over.”

189.“I’m flirting with you.”

190.“I’m not good enough for you.”

191.“I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

192.“I’m sick of being USELESS.”

193.“I’m so happy you’re alive!”

194.“I’m so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”

195.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

196.“I’m sorry, run that by me again.”

197.“I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

198.“I’m tired of being your secret.”

199.“I’m up to the challenge.”

200.“I’m yours.”

201.“I’ve been in love with you my entire life. Ever since I met you.”

202.“I’ve moved on.”

203.“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… and it scares the shit out of me.”

204.“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

205.“If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!”

206.“If you die, I’m gonna kill you!”

207.“If you keep looking at me like that, we won’t make it to the bed.”

208.“If you walk out right now, it’s over for us.”

209.“Is it really you?”

210.“Is that a challenge?”

211.“Is that an apology?”

212.“Is there a problem?”

213.“Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?”

214.“Is there something you want to tell me?”

215.“It could be worse.”

216.“It made a difference to me.”

217.“It was just a dream.”

218.“It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”

219.“It’s all my fault.”

220.“It’s okay, I’m here for you.”

221.“It’s okay to cry…”

222.“Just leave me ALONE.”

223.“Just talk to me.”

224.“Kiss me.”

225.“Let me buy you a drink?”

226.“Look at me – just breathe, okay?”

227.“Look, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to say I love you.”

228.“May I have this dance?”

229.“Meet me at midnight. Alone.”

230.“Meet me on the bridge in an hour.”

231.“No one needs to know.”

232.“No one will ever hurt you again.”

233.“None of that matters now.”

234.“Oh, my God! You’re in love with her!”

235.“Please don’t cry.”

236.“Please don’t do this.”

237.“Please don’t leave…”

238.“Please listen to me…”

239.“Please say something…”

240.“Promise me you won’t let anything happen to him.”

241.“Promise me you’ll stay.”

242.“Shit, are you bleeding?”

243.“Shut up and kiss me?”

244.“Somebody’s in love!”

245.“Sorry, I thought I was alone…”

246.“Stop talking about love for a minute and help me with this bullet wound.”

247.“Tell me a secret.”

248.“That came out wrong.”

249.“That guy at the bar keeps staring at you.”

250.“The way you flirt is shameful.”

251.“There are plenty of people out there who love you.”   “Yeah, like who?”  “Like me.”

252.“There’s something I need to tell you.”

253.“Things don’t always turn out how they should.”

254.“Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

255.“Wait a minute… Are you jealous?”

256.“Wake up! Please, please wake up!”

257.“Wanna dance?”

258.“We could be amazing!”

259.“Well, don’t keep me waiting!”

260.“Well, this is awkward…”

261.“Well, this is where I live.”

262.“We finish it the same way we started… together.”

263.“What are you afraid of?”

264.“What were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself killed?”

265.“When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”

266.“Where did you learn to dance?”

267.“Where were you? Do you have any idea as to how worried I was?”

268.“Who gave you that black eye?”

269.“Why are you lying?”

270.“Why are you up so early?”

271.“Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?”

272.“Why choose me?”

273.“Why don’t you just kiss me already?”

274.“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

275.“You deserve so much better.”

276.“You did this all for me?”

277.“You DID WHAT?”

278.“You don’t have to stay.”

279.“You don’t know you the way I do.”

280.“You don’t need to protect me.”

281.“You fainted… straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

282.“You have the most amazing eyes.”

283.“You have to make a choice.”

284.“You have to remember!”

285.“You heard me. Take. It. Off.”

286.“You know, it’s okay to cry…”

287.“You lied to me!”

288.“You look beautiful!”

289.“You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”

290.“You need to leave. Right now.”

291.“You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”

292.“You shouldn’t have even been there!”

293.“You walked away. Not me.”

294.“You weren’t supposed to hear that…”

295.“You’ll be the death of me.”

296.“You’re not alone.”

297.“You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

298.“You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

299.“You’re too good for me.”

300.“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

301.“Have you lost your damn mind?”

302.“Please, don’t leave.”

303.“Come over here and make me.”

304.“Wait a minute… Are you jealous?”

305.“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

306.“I almost lost you.”

307.“Wanna bet?”

308.“Teach me how to play?”

309.“Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while…”

310.“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm and you wanna stop and feel the rain?”

311.“Just once.”

312.“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

313.“I got you a present.”

314.“It’s not what it looks like…”

315.“Hey! I was gonna eat that!”

316.“I swear it was an accident.”

317.“Knowing you has made me a better person.”

318.“Just hold me.”

319.“I think I love you.”

320.“I’ve loved you for years.”

321.“Kiss me.”

322.“You’re the best part of me.”

323.“You keep me going.”

324.“You mean everything to me.”

325.“I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without you.”

326.“You’re perfect to me.”

327.“I don’t want to think about what I’d be like without you.”

328.“We’re best when we’re together.”

329.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

330.“Can I hold your hand?”

331.“Do you want to stay over tonight?”

332.“You’re adorable.”

333.“Everything has been different since I fell in love with you.”

334.“I didn’t think it was possible to love a person as much as I love you.”

335.“I didn’t think love existed until I started loving you.”

336.“Let’s move in together.”

337.“Do you want me to leave?”

338.“You are not going without me.”

339.“I swear it won’t happen again.”

340.“What did you say?”

341.“I’m not jealous!”

342.“We can’t keep doing this.”

343.“Isn’t this amazing?”

344.“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

345.“Stay the night. Please.”

346.“You can’t die. Please don’t die.”

347.“Run away with me.”

348.“Quit whining. It’s just a bullet.”

349.“Knowing you has made me a better person.”

350.“Just hold me.”

351.“I think I love you.”

352.“I’ve loved you for years.”

353.“Kiss me.”

354.“You’re the best part of me.”

355.“You keep me going.”

356.“You mean everything to me.”

357.“I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without you.“

358."You’re perfect to me.”

359.“I don’t want to think about what I’d be like without you.”

360.“We’re best when we’re together.”

361.“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

362.“Can I hold your hand?”

363.“Do you want to stay over tonight?”

364.“You’re adorable.”

365.“Everything has been different since I fell in love with you.”

366.“I didn’t think it was possible to love a person as much as I love you.”

367.“I didn’t think love existed until I started loving you.”

368.“Let’s move in together.”

369.“Let’s strip down to our socks.”

Wait, what?

(based on this) (look, there’s a part two)


Yuuri barely has time to grab his jacket when he runs out the door, much less brush his hair or find a hat. Unfortunately, he’s sure that that means that his hair is an absolute mess. It’s been getting long again, but in between classes and helping Yura out with his routine on the weekends, he hasn’t had much time for things like haircuts. Besides, Victor doesn’t seem to mind it, and Yura likes to experiment hairstyles on Yuuri “so that if it looks stupid, I don’t have to see it on myself.”

It’s not that big a deal, except on days like this, when he sleeps in (thanks a lot Vitya) and doesn’t have the time to really get it under control. He usually meets up with his friends before class, and he doesn’t doubt that they’ll notice, and probably tease him about it.

They notice.

“Yuuri!” Estephania gasps, sounding too scandalized for her words to be anything but teasing. “What on earth happened to your hair?”

Yuuri flushes. “I was running late,” he mumbles.

Richard snorts. “You sure? Because that looks more like sex hair to me, man.”

“Ooh, he’s right,” Estephania coos before Yuuri can protest.

He wonders if it’s possible to die of embarrassment (especially since they’re not entirely wrong). “No, really I–”

“We know, sweetie.” She reaches up and moves his hair around a bit, trying to make it look presentable. “You’re just too easy to tease.”

“You sure you’re really twenty seven?” Richard raises an eyebrow.

Yuuri just smiles at the ground in fond humiliation (apparently it’s not a common emotion, but it’s a little hard not to be used to the feeling when he’s married to the world’s biggest drama queen) and nods. “I am.”

His friends are too much sometimes, he admits. Richard is the embodiment of America in a lot of ways: loud, completely lacking a sense of social norms, a walking personification of testosterone. Estephania is less… everything… than Richard, but she’s very touchy and affectionate in an entirely platonic way that reminds Yuuri a lot of Christophe, only without all of the innuendo. But they’re both loyal down to their very core, and they’re not bad people.

His phone starts ringing, Stammi Vicino playing loudly. Yuuri picks up, keeping his phone away from Estephania’s hands. “Да, Vitya?”

“Dude! You speak Russian too?” Richard looks like Yuuri just smacked him in the face. The school year just started, so they’re all still learning about each other.

Yuuri just smiles, since Victor is in the middle of one of his usual mid-morning crises. “Vitya, calm down,” he says in Russian. “Makkachin is probably out with Yura. You know he takes her for walks sometimes. Have you seen him today?”

He manages to get Victor off the phone just before class starts, flipping his phone to airplane mode since he’s sure that this isn’t the last he’ll be hearing from his lovable trainwreck of a husband.



Keep reading

lol can you believe Hannibal did the pretentious equivalent of drawing hearts on his diary except he made a heart origami instead

he’s so gone lmao

remember when he used to think getting caught was the one thing to avoid at all costs because what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it freely, then he met Will Graham and all his priorities got maimed, killed and served to his sorry ass

remember when he literally fell in love at first sight and didn’t even remotely see it and then it progressively ruined his life and made it 856% better

remember when he saw Will again and in that moment Hannibal was so fucking happy to see him and Will was so beautiful that Hannibal got all mushy and poetic and he was like fuck even if i saw you every day for literally the rest of my life this is the one time I’d remember holy shit

and Will looked all like “jesus the shit you say to me” with a smile this fucking big he couldn’t have kept in check even if he’d wanted

send help

Barry the BearBug

This is the same game with Dary the Dancing Goblin. Our party of a rouge teifling, a warrior half-orc, a wizard dragon, and a cleric human are hiding behind a rock in a cave. Further ahead we see a large bonfire with two goblins and a bearbug, and a wolf.

Me (tiefling): I’m gonna use my thaumagurgy cantrip. I wanna use it to make it sound like the goblins are talking shit.

DM: *nervous laughing* Ok, what do you wanna say?

Me: I close my eyes and concentrate on making the sound appear near the right of the bugbear, and it says “This bugbear is so stupid, I bet his mom was a whore”

DM: Um…ok, you do that and the bugbear starts to get pissed.

DM(as bugbear): WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOM ILL HAVE YOU KNOW SHE’S A VERY GOOD PERSON!!

DM (as Goblin 1): Wha- Barry we didn’t say anything, we were just sitting here!

Me (OOC): I can do this spell up to three times, right?

Me: I use the cantrip again to make it sound like the second Goblin is saying “Stupid piece of shit, I bet she was a piece of trash if she made you”

DM (as bugbear): He whirls around to the second Goblin, “YOU THINK IM STUPID HUH?? Well let’s see how stupid you are when you’re DEAD!!”

Me (OOC): Hey guys, remember when my character stole some Goblin arrows?

DM: Oh no.

Me: I load a goblin arrow into my short bow and hit Barry so it looks like the other Goblin did it. (Successfully rolls)

DM: Okay, so Barry the Bugbear is now enraged and starts smashing the face of the first Goblin. And the other Goblin grabs his weapon and I can’t believe I’m doing this…

He then proceeds to rp the whole fight, which ends with two goblins dead and a damaged bugbear. Our party gets found out by Barry when the half-orc smashes the wolf into pulp.

DM (Barry): YOU KILLED MY DOG!!! I’LL KILL YOU!

Half-orc: Bet that dog looked cuter than your mom.

We then got the bugbear to walk into his own bonfire and easily killed him.

DM: You know this was supposed to be a boss battle?

Me: Not anymore!

This little piece of SHIT

Originally posted by shippingsneeded

I used to FUCKING love him.

AND WHAT FOR?  The fact that he can crack a nerdy-ass joke once in a while?

And now THIS SHIT.  I’m starting to realize he’s not a likable person at all.

Think I’m over-reacting because “oooh but Simon’s been through soooo much?” 

Well, FUCK that.  Every character in the show has got their life turned upside-down and loved ones who died.  They’re in a BRUTAL WORLD.

Let’s review what a shithead Simon FUCKING Lewis is:

  1. Season 1, he’s turned, but then is suddenly taken in by Raphael and his clan, from the start.  Simon NEVER TRULY HAS NO ONE.  In return, Simon blackmails Raphael, his mentor, for just a few bloodbags, saying he’ll lie to the Clave about the circumstances of his undeath and the subjugates and have Raphael lose the position he worked DECADES to reach and he’ll threaten the safety of his new family unit.  He knows full well that without Raphael, things will go back to how they were under Camille’s rule.  Does Simon FUCKING Lewis care?  Fuck, no!
  2. Raphael says “don’t talk to Camille, keep her imprisoned, it’s for your own safety, too”?  What does Simon Fucking Lewis do?  SIMON FUCKING LEWIS SNEAKS HER OUT AND ENDANGERS THE ONLY FAMILY HE HAS.  All because he wants Little MISS CLARY FRAY’S GINGER CONNIVING MANIPULATIVE ASS.
  3. Cus let’s be real.  It’s not about her mother.  And all Clary would get out of Camille is a scrap of info they probably can’t rely on.  Just for that, he betrays the people person who took him in, who fed him, who trained him, who FUCKING clothed his bony, scrawny, pasty little ass.
  4. Simon Fucking Lewis signs the Writ of Transmutation saying he ALLOWED Camille to change him.  HE KNOWS THIS ALLOWS CAMILLE TO TAKE BACK THE CLAN.  It’s COMMON SENSE.  He KNOWS what a tyrant she was, he KNOWS how ABUSIVE SHE WAS.  WHAT THE FUCK SIMON?  JUST WHAT THE FUCKKK?
  5. Even after ALL THAT SHIT, Simon is UNWILLING to fix what he did by helping find Camille.  DICK.
  6. Simon throws Raphael under the bus to Aldertree - a genuine mistake, true, but did he apologize for it?  FUCK, NO! (also plz see point 10)
  7. Raphael’s response?  “WE are your family.”  EVEN after Simon’s betrayal.
  8. What does Raphael do when he realizes Simon can’t focus on finding Camille cos he’s distracted by his panicking mother?  He goes to CALM SIMON’S MOTHER DOWN so that she won’t bother Simon and so Simon can fulfill his duties undistracted.  It’s not Raphael’s fault that Simon bursts in on them as Raphael’s in the middle of his bullshit fake story.
  9. Rapha uses this moment to get across the idea that ‘don’t forget Simon, I’ll be watching  you, I’m welcome in your home’.  He wasn’t threatening Simon’s MOTHER, but what does Simon do?  HE FUCKING OVERREACTS AND MOUTHS OFF TO HIM.  It’s like SHUT UP boy and for ONCE grow up and fix your mistakes.
  10. Simon sees just a little bit of the FUCKING UNBEARABLE TORTURE Aldertree did to Raphael for which SIMON HIMSELF was RESPONSIBLE and how does Simon FUCKING Lewis react?  “YOU LOOK LIKE CRAP!  BRING IT ON SCARFACE!”  Think about it.  That’s FUCKING AWFUL!
  11. Does Simon fucking care that Aldertree threatened the lives of Raphael’s beloved clan, Simon’s new family?  FUCK, NO!
  12. But even after ALL THAT, when Simon’s hungry in his bedroom, what does he do?  Oh, he expects Raphael to go out in BROAD FUCKING  DAYLIGHT JUST TO FEED HIM!  The NERVE of this little SHIT!
  13. Simon’s in trouble cos Mamma Lewis caught him sucking down a rat? “Raphaeeeellllllll come save meeeeeee!”
  14. ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING THANK YOU, ONCE AGAIN after Raphael encantos Elaine.  It’s like “Kiss my ass, Santiago.”
  15. Even after ALL THAT, AFTER THE WAR, after Raphael risks his life against Valentine and many of his clan members die, Simon still treats Raphael like the enemy??  Doesn’t trust Raphael about being a daylighter, while he’s so quick to blab to Maia, who’s barely more than an acquaintance?
  16. AND NOW THIS.  NOW THIS FUCKERY.

Conspiring with Isabelle, Raphael’s new junkie ABUSER, to use POOR ROSA AS BAIT?  The only BLOOD Raphael has LEFT?  The only TREASURE in Rapha’s miserable, bleak, undead life?

Then looking into his eyes and saying “You’re lucky your sister doesn’t know who you really are. Because if she did, she’d hate you” THIS IS A NEW LEVEL OF SICK!

Fuck this shit.  

Oh sure, deep down, Simon has a pretty good heart, but heres the thing:

He’s spent too many years around Clarissa Fucking Fray and it’s turned him selfish and manipulative, and it’s made him such a fucking pushover that he ignores basic right and wrong just because someone says “go fetch”.  Not only that, but besides all that justification, he’s just an ass!

Even if by some miracle, Simon grows up one day … Raphael Santiago  is TEN TIMES THE MAN SIMON FUCKING LEWIS WILL EVER BE.

Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris in the library
  • Eric: "Get up!"
  • Dylan: "GET UP!"
  • Eric: "Stand up right now or we'll blow your fucking heads off!"
  • Dylan: "Fine I'll start shooting then..." (shoots Velasquez) "Woohoo!"
  • Dylan: "All jocks stand up... white baseball cap"
  • Eric: "Pigs are here..." (begins firing out the window)
  • Dylan: (shoots Hall, Ireland, Steepleton) "Yahoo!"
  • Patti Nielson: "our father... who art in heaven.. hallowed be thy name"
  • Dispatcher: "ma'am, you need to forget about praying right now. What's happening there?"
  • Nielson: "They're in here.. they're killing kids... I have to go." (drops phone)
  • Eric: (kills Curnow) "Die! Motherfucker!"
  • Dylan: "WOO!"
  • Kasey Ruegsegger: (after being shot by Eric) "Oh!"
  • Eric: "Stop your bitching! It's merely a flesh wound,"
  • Dylan: (laughing hysterically)
  • Eric: "Peek-a-boo" (kills Bernall)
  • Dylan: (shoots Ireland) "Die! ...down on the floor!"
  • Dylan: "REB?"
  • Eric: "Yeah?"
  • Dylan: "hey, man... there's a nigger over here."
  • Eric: "shoot him"
  • Dylan: "SHIT YEAH!"
  • Shoels: "no...no...no...mom!"
  • (Shoels and Kechter killed)
  • (CO2 bomb detonates)
  • Valeen Schnurr: "oh my god... help me..."
  • Eric: "do you believe in God?"
  • Valeen: "no..yes..."
  • Dylan: "Why?"
  • Eric: "God is gay."
  • John TOmlin: "Don't... done enough?"
  • (shots fired)
  • Dylan: "You think we've done enough?" (laughing)
  • Eric: "nice glasses" (shots fired.. sounds of a scuffle.. shots fired again.. Mauser killed)
  • Dylan: "was he trying to jump you?"
  • Eric: "Yeah"
  • (shots fired... DePooter killed)
  • Dylan: "Look what we have here..."
  • Eric: "What?"
  • Dylan: "just some fat fuck"
  • Dylan: "give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you."
  • Evan Todd: "I don't want to get into trouble"
  • Dylan: "Trouble! You don't know what trouble is..."
  • Evan Todd: "That's not what I mean... I don't have a problem with you guys..."
  • Dylan: "I'm going to let this fat fuck live... little fat fucking piece of shit... you can have him if you want."
  • Eric: "Let's go to the commons"
  • Dylan: "One more thing" (sound of something smashing)
  • Dylan: "Reb, ya ready?"
Thoughts while reading Acowar.

Mind the swearing and spoilers kids.

-2 years before the wall? Wait is this like a baby bat Rhys POV?
-oh God this field isn’t a nice place. Kinda like it tho.
- omfg 6 High Fae… 6, to defeat one Illyrian… damn.
- Rhys is so protective if his brothers it’s killing me.
-AGH PART ONE HERE I FUCKING COME.
-Yes Feyre, burn this shit.
-Already thinking about that wingspan Feyre? Can’t blame ya.
- Ugh Tamlin no can you not enter this moment just yet. Ugh Lucian I’m fucking watching you.
-Oh for Fuck sake I gotta read about Ianthe soon to?
-ugh I just want some smut and it’s only page nine.
-Feyre you can roll your eyes. God knows I am.
- Oh hey Ianthe, go Fuck yourself Ianthe.
-You definitely revived something from Rhys hands Feyre, but it was far more pleasurable than torture.
-Lucian I won’t ship you and Elaine. But please, for the love of God, kill Ianthe.
-Oh hell fucking ni, Jurian, go fucking Fuck yourself and stay the Fuck away.
-Oh snap, Nesta and Elaine already so powerful they can drain the cauldron.
-Oh snap, Feyre laying down these facts. Also that’s how I spell Miryaim’s name.
-Feyre you savage.
-Jurian, talk about Elaine like that again and I will kill you.
-Oh Fuck off Ianthe, I’ve read enough of you.
-Okay Lucian, my heart is softening towards you.
-God I missed you Alis.
-Damn summer solstice is giving me goosebumps.
-Rhys you are giving me life.
-Uh Oh, Tamlin’s getting jealous of friendship.
-YOU FUCKING BURNED THEIR WINGS.
-Ahhh Feyre you also cringing about Elaine being fucked by a fire blooded male?? Let me introduce to Azriel. He’s far better in my opinion.
-All these painting titles… we’re they like, working title for Acowar.
-Rhysand you get that tongue to work.
-Also Tam you prick.
-TAMLIN YOU MOTHERFUCKING PRICK HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A WHIPPING.
-God Alis, my bae.
-Feyre slit her throat.
-Yes Feyre Fuck this bitch up.
-Oh these twins. Can you fucking not.
- Go Lucian Go.
-Bring on Part Two.
-“He can get in line,” Feyre getting a list of people who wanna kill her to rivals Aelins.
-Oh for Fuck sake, everything was going so well, until Lucian’s brothers showed up.
-OMG CASSIAN YOU’RE BACK.
-AZRIEL MY CUPCAKE.
-“There’s no such thing as a High Lady,” bitch excuse me.
-Cassian you melt my stone cold heart.
-Mor my darling.
-OMG IT’S HAPPENING, RHYS IS COMING.
-Amren, boo. Hru?
-Lucian being called a girl, I’m dying
-AGH RHYS.
-“Go find somewhere else to be,” I know what that means.
-The smut was worth it.
-Oh I missed the banter of my baby bats.
-And Rhys’ swearing begins.
-Cassian sunning his wings. I wonder if a certain Nesta sees.
-Cassian trying to be chill around Nesta is my new aesthetic.
-Nesta reads romance. Hell Yes.
-“You come between a male and his mate, Nesta Archeron, and you’re going to learn about the consequences the hard way.” Trying to foreshadow something there Cassian? I Ship.
-No is mentioning the sorrow and longing in Cassian eyes, Feyre, for the same reason no one mentioned it when Rhys looked at you all those months ago.
-Reading about Elaine is painful.
-I’m relating to Elaine and all those open curtains too much… shit.
-Cassian you’re to precious.
-I missed the Amren/Cassian banter so much.
-Shit Mor is getting pissed.
-Feyre keeps calling Rhys mate and I’m feeling bad for the Australian readers.
-“Because I can’t stay away” well Fuck me if they ain’t mates.
-Nesta looking as Cassian like he’s the only one in the room.
-Damn right there was a reason Lucian wore a fox mask.
-Idk what to write but the nessian at pg.203. gahhhhhhh.
-“Surely Nesta wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle,” omfg Feyre, it’s hilarious of you to think that.
-Feyre were you not there for Acomaf. He was very clearly, cocky then.
-Library sex? I’m in.
-oh, so no library sex.
-To the Bone Carver we go. RIP.
-Oh so, the Carver, and the Wearer are- I’d be shocked only I read that spoiler.
-Oh so the Carver is a mirror type of perosn? What even is a mirror person? Is it his kink?
-Oh Nesta having death powers.
-Feyre constantly calling Rhys mate tho.
-Tbh all I wanna know is who or what the carver appeared to Cassian.
-Everyone in this book be complementing Rhys good taste.
-Ah Az and Elaine be starting. Az be carrying his ship.
-Poor Cassian. Nesta will come around, I promise, I read the spoiler.
-YES AZRIEL SHOW HER THE GARDEN. I’VE READ THIS SPOILER PAGE SO MUCH AND NOW IT’S MINE.
-You know, I wrote a fanfiction about Az and Elaine in a garden and her calling his scars pretty. They kissed in it.
-“Azriel isn’t the ravishing type,” Rhys you should read the fanfic I wrote about him. He loves to ravish.
-omg Cassian calming Nesta- ugh how many more pages until this kiss?
-Az, sunning your wings for Elaine? How scandalous.
-“Why not make them mates?” Feyre babe I’m asking the same question.
-FEYRE YOU SHIP ELRIEL TOO? Oh sweetie I love you more than Cassian rn.
-Rhysand, let Feyre play matchmaker.
-I was about to bash Kier for insulting Az, but Az got this shit.
-Oh not this fucking Eris bitch again.
-Rhys the Fuck you playing at?
-Okay, ngl I know Mor is gay but those Eris know? Ffs.
-Okay everyone is fighting and I’m more intrigued than I should be.
-D'as Nessian.
-Double d'aw Elriel.
-Pg.303 and back to sassy Az.
-Sassy Az KS giving me life.
-It was at page 306 that I realised I was in love with Az.
-Nephelle’s be giving me goosebumps.
-Yes bathtub scent with Rhys.
-Oh it’s actually a massage scene? I’m in.
-Feyre are you trying to start a war? Cassian flying with Nesta. Dammit who am I kidding I wanna see that.
-Yes Az, help Elaine in the garden. I am sailing this ship.
-Nesta watching Cassian lick his fingers and I’m like, now imagine that kissing elsewhere.
-Nes? I ship.
-Some shit happening in the library.
-ohhhh so we finally reached the part where people wonder if Elaine is a seer.
-Yes Feyre, put Elaine’s riddles together.
-Okay that scene was intense but Nessian at the end was calming.
-“Amren on the hunt,” a novel by sjm.
-Damn Az, took you awhile but bravo, she’s a seer. God it couldn’t be any easier to love you.
-Lucian I swear to God if you die, looking for this sixth queen, I will kill you.
-Also where is my Suriel.
-Shit Alis don’t die.
-oh FFS, look, “king” of Hybren, old buddy. If you’d kindly fuck off. Only it’s late, I don’t need these plot twists.
-Look, “King,” I’d pay good money to see you try and take Feyre.
-Rhys if you could destroy my upcoming exams the way you did those ships, I’d be grateful.
-pg.379, more smut, hell yes.
-pg.381, Nesta all concerned.
-The amount of sex feysand are having. That wingspan must be truly impress you Feyre darling.
-So Cassian is terrible at complements.
-Ah yes boys, bringing up that wingspan again.
-This Nessian tho.
-“she threatened to freeze my balls off,” Kallias, Viviane, welcome to my heart.
-I’m in love with Viviane.
-God sake, Tamlin Fuck off.
-Tamlin, let me tell you, Rhys and Feyre have fucked so much I’m sure he could recount every noise she is capable of making.
-Fucking shut up Tamlin.
-Eris if you’d kindly shut the Fuck up too, it’d be a pleasure.
-Pg.438, Nesta, damn, *blows kisses.*
-nvm of 439, Go Feyre. Slay.
-Helion…. wait… look I can’t go around loving all these people. It makes me look like I have a heart.
-You know I’d be surprised at Lucian being a whole, some air of dawn court, but I already read that spoiler.
-Okay mor is gay why is- you know what, never mind, I give up.
-Oh. Oh Fuck.
-lol, I’m so tired, whenever I hear the wall mentioned all I can think of is humpty dumpty.
-“Don’t even start,” Nesta, sweetie, we’ve been shipping this since the last book.
-Part three here I come.
-btw this is still the same day for me. I’ve read up to part three in a few hours. It’s two in the morning. Never underestimate a fangirl deprived of her smut.
-Jurian just has to show up, doesn’t he.
-idk who I am to believe anymore.
-I wanna say Fuck this shit I’m out. But I am so in.
-So am I meant to trust Jurian or not.
-Damn Tarquin.
-Nessian will kill me quicker than these plot twists.
-Ayyy more shut, god I love you Sarah.
-Yes, the Suriel is coming into play bitches. I’d been surprised by what happens only I’ve seen this spoiler too.
-Okay first thing first, Ianthe please Fuck off Secondly rip Suriel 2K17.
-Cassian what happened. Nesta please. I know the ending and shit but tf happened.
-Feyre be joining up these dots about which way Mor floats.
-This, Varian, Amren thing, yeah I’d like another five books of it.
-Awww, Az, you’re to sweet and selfless.
-I’m so tired IDK how to feel anymore.
-Oh greatttt, Feyre got hit with an arrow. Any more plot twists.
-Wait Tamlin? Fuck, ugh.
-d'aw, Elaine kissed his cheek.
-it’s four in the morning. I have less than one hundred pages left.
-Shit.
-Fucking hell Elaine stab them bastard.
-Also Nessian hell yes.
-Also…wait what’s happening.
-Rhysand you fucking bastard it’s five in the morning don’t do this to me. I know you live god dammit don’t fucking do this.
-oh thank fuck that’s all settled.
-This book. These plot twists. These ships. It’s all so heart wrenching and shit.
-Wait is she flying over Velaris in her lingerie.
-Fuck it’s half five in the morning. I read this book in under 24 hours. I need to sleep.
*hours later*
-omfg I need to read this shit again. It was so good. The High Lords, the banter, the near death experiences. The romance. The sass. Sarah you queen.
-if the at least the novellas don’t have nessian or Elriel tho I may be tempted to cry.

And that, my friends, is a snippet of the roller coaster if thoughts and emotions I went through. I was too tired to cry during it but my heart was successfully ripped out a few times.