Anyone remember the episode “Parturition” where Janeway finds out the Doctor has been eavesdropping all this time?
Janeway: Tell me, just how often do you eavesdrop?
Doctor: I am simply trying to monitor issues involving the health of the crew, Captain. When activated, the Emergency Medical Program establishes comm. links with all key areas of the ship, and I have, on occasion. I am a Doctor, not a voyeur. I am programmed to be discreet.
I need a modern au of Link playing a horror game (Outlast, Amnesia, something scary af) and Sidon watching. Link is stone cold killer, no fear, no emotion, conceal don't fucking feel. Sidon is scared little bean who's borderline crying and hiding his face in Link's lap, despite Link being 5' and Sidon being 9'8. And Link petting his fin like "bb it's okay, it's not real" and Sidon just yelpcrying like "NOITSNOTNOITSNOTNOITSNOT" Im sorry I need this so bad hnnnggggg
• jily get paired up to raise one of those lil fake babies (and of course there are more boys to girls in the class and remus and sirius get paired up (and their baby probably ends up dead or dying by the time eight weeks are over))
• james and lily who aren’t really friends but are far from enemies. they kind of just exist, with small acknowledgements of each other but nothing much
• james hangs out with the rest of the marauders and lily sticks to mary and marlene and frank and alice although the latter two seem to be gone most of the time
• so they’re in health class one day and the teacher assigns them as partners and james is pretty happy (i mean I would be too if i were working with lily evans for an entire eight weeks)
• turns out that there are uneven numbers in the class and remus and sirius end up being paired up (their baby dies within a week because sirius leaves it on top of the urinal and forgets it)
• they decide that lily has it during the day and james has it at night, and they swap every week
• james and lily spend a lot of time together because of the baby (there’s a lot of midnight phone calls, mostly because they’re both v spiteful and in a ‘if I’m not getting a good night’s sleep, I will make sure that you’re not either even if we only live two doors down from each other’ kind of mindset)
• so there’s lots of afternoons in the dog park where they do their homework with the baby (which james christened ‘elvendork’ after james realised that the baby had no genitals.
• “you can’t just say that the baby is a girl or a boy, so to be safe lets name it elevndork because its a highly commendable name and also–unisex
• (the only thing the baby really had were unnervingly green eyes))
• “kind of like you, evans”
• they they go the the dog park with elvendork straight after school a lot and they’re in uniform and they get more than one dirty look from a member of the public who doesn’t realise that the baby isn’t real
• they’re kind of relaxed about it, james goes to lily’s house and they kind of just toss the baby at each other while eating and chatting
• james insists that he show lily that he is very capable of doing push ups with elvendork on his back. shirtless, of course
• lily just rolls her eyes
• they don’t go to james’s house (despite mrs potter doting on james, lily, and elvendork) because sirius lives with james and like hell they’re going to let sirius in a house with two of these things, like ffs who let him have one in the first place
• remus doesn’t really care for his baby either. he’s kind of ‘eh’ about the whole situation and he ends up rigging it so that it screams whenever elvendork comes within two metres of it (james is not impressed)
• (there’s probably one point in which james and lily almost kiss but elvendork starts crying and ruins the mood) (they don’t talk about this certain moment again)
• eventually eight weeks is up and they hand in their baby and get a surprisingly good mark
• remus and sirius hand theirs in but remus has fiddled with it again so all it does is swear in german
• james realises that he likes lily and catches up with her before the day ends
• “hey evans, even though elvendork is gone I thought that you might want to go to the dog park after school to do some homework?”