Tubalcain: The following is a fan based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means go suck your mother’s cu-
[Scene changes to show Integra talking on the phone with Alucard]
Alucard: Say it!
Integra: Fuck you.
Alucard: After you say it!
Integra: You’re really going to force me on this?
Alucard: I’m at half mast! I need to hear this!
Integra: FINE! YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!!!!
[Alucard makes a groan of extreme pleasure]
Integra: JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [slams down the phone]
[Scene change to Alucard in the safehouse]
Alucard: Ahhhhh! Houston, we have no problems.
[Anderson kicks in the door. Pip and Seras gasp.]
Alucard: Okay, dude, I just- I just finished, I'mma need like five minutes over here to recharge.
[Anderson punches Alucard in the face]
Alucard: Never mind, we’re back in business!
[Alucard draws his guns and Anderson draws his bayonets. Seras swings the Harkonnen at Anderson.]
Seras: I’ve got him!
[Anderson throws a bayonet and pins an official notice to the wall right next to Seras’ head, causing her to become jittery and slump to the ground]
Alucard: Oh great, and now she’s triggered. Could be all day with it.
[Seras mumbles incomprehensibly]
Anderson: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to you filthy heathens as a sign of good will. A small private Vatican jet. [picks his broken glasses up off the floor] Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out?! And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! [Seras is still traumatized on the ground] And the woman!
Pip: Don quoi?
Alucard: Man, I don’t know what I find funnier, the Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven’t seen what I did to the statue of Big J!
[Scene change to show the private jet flying past the statue of Christ the Redeemer, which now has a banner tied across it which reads “420YOLOSWAG4JESUS”]
[Scene change to show the city of London, then a meeting between the Hellsing Organization and Iscariot in the Queen’s palace]
[Enrico and Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (Who is also Italian) are examining photographs]
Father: The banner won’t-a come-a down. I think it’s a constrictor knot.
[We hear Alucard’s muffled voice outside the door to the room]
Alucard: What- What do you mean you forgot the song? Okay, screw, screw it, no screw it, screw it! Just- Just take my phone and hit random. No, just hit random. Okay, three, two…
[Door bursts open, and Alucard makes a dynamic entrance with the chorus to the song “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks. Everyone in the meeting looks shocked or appalled]
Alucard: Yeah, okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn’t work. It did not work.
Integra: Following your example.
Alucard: Ooh, catty. [sees the Queen] Oh, shit, is that Betty?
[Two guards try to block him from reaching her]
Guard: Excuse me sir, you’re going to have to- [gets tossed aside by Alucard]
Alucard: Get out of my way!
Queen: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Allie.
[Alucard kneels in front of her. She grasps his face in her hands]
Queen: Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
Alucard: You know it. Reminds me of when I’d keep your bed warm during the blitz.
Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful…
Alucard: Oh shut up you old hag, I’d still wreck you like Diana.
Queen: Hahahahaha! Oh you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.
Penwood: (Offscreen) Rah, I can never have sex again!
Integra: Alucard, if you please.
[Alucard stands up and faces the meeting]
Alucard: You’re right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let’s focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter’s battles with the Nazis] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called “Operation: Kraut Control”. Walter was fifteen, and I’m pretty sure if I’m remembering correctly, that I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! [More flashbacks] But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!
Integra: Seems you missed a spot.
Alucard: Are you- are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?
Integra: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They’ve established a base in Brazil and are using the name-
[Integra and Enrico gasp. Heinkel and Pip pull their guns out.]
Schrodinger: Warten Sie! How you say, “do not shoot ze messenger.”
Alucard: Ah, the return of the why boner. With a vengeance.
Integra: How did he get in here?
Walter: We had over a dozen guards.
Alucard: Those were ours? I mean- Oh my God, how did he get through the guards?!
[Schrodinger sets up a portable TV]
Schrodinger: My commanding officer, ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself, along with our vonderful organization.
[Schrodinger presses a button on the remote, but the TV doesn’t come on.]
Schrodinger: What?! Uh- Ah-
The Major: Schrodinger?
Schrodinger: It’s not working Major!
The Major: Did you click “TV” zen “Power”?
Schrodinger: Oh wait, I’m on Video 2.
The Major: Nein, Video 1.
Schrodinger: Got it!
[TV finally comes on showing the Major]
The Major: Hello!
Alucard: Hahahahahaha, Ahahahahahaha! He’s still so fucking fat! He’s like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
The Major: Ah, if it isn’t ze memorable Alucard. His provider, Sir Integra, ze bean counters, und of course, very interesting to see by the way, the Vatican. How does it feel to vork with your sworn enemies, Father Maxwell?
Enrico: Not as painful as your obnoxious voice.
The Major: Ah, come on, we used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?
[People at the meeting gasp, and Enrico looks mortified.]
The Major: Oh oh, I guess vhey weren’t supposed to know that.
Integra: So, that’s how you knew about them.
Enrico: (Sigh) Yes.
The Major: I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: …wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don’t you?!
Alucard: Yeah, you Fun-Nazi.
Integra: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!!
The Major: Remind me if it seems a little too American for you, but at some time, some place, something vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. (singsong) Could be happening right noooooooooowwwwwwwwww!
Alucard: Fingers crossed!
The Major: But rest assured this is no simple incursion…
[Focus shifts to Schrodinger and Seras as the Major keeps talking in the background. Schrodinger takes note of Seras.]
Schrodinger: Fraulein! Fraulein! Fraulein! HEY FRAULEIN!
Schrodinger: Ve would make beautiful children. [Seras is shocked/creeped out]
[Alucard blows Schrodinger’s head off]
Alucard: Was that boy/girl bugging you?
The Major: Und like that, the war begins!
Alucard: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?!
Integra: Police Girl!
[Seras blows up the TV showing the Major]
Seras: (Thinking to herself) Huh. They would’ve looked rather nice actually.
Integra: Alright now, Alucard, clean that u- (sees that Schrodinger’s body and all the blood has completely vanished) uh- oh.
Alucard: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning. And/or magical.
Queen: Integra? Alucard?
Alucard: Yes, sugarlips?
Queen: When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.
Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I’VE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Enrico: (Offended) HEY!
Alucard: Oh shut up.
[Scene change to The Major, The Doctor, and The Captain walking down a hallway aboard the Zeppelin]
The Doctor: Well, Major, I think that went vell.
The Major: You think it went vell?! Herr Doctor, I was there, und much like our former boss- [we briefly see a clip of the old SS colonel being torn apart by the Major’s vampire soldiers] -I killed it.
[They arrive at the bridge, where Schrodinger is sitting in the Major’s command chair.]
Schrodinger: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have the freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!
The Major: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as ze gift, but I love him!
The Doctor: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!
The Major: Ah, don’t vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff. Nonetheless, it is time for phase two of our operation. Our fraulein’s excursion to ze English Channel.
[Scene change to show a Nazi helicopter moving to land on the deck of an English aircraft carrier. We see the ship’s control room.]
Radar Operator: Sir, there’s an inbound helicopter trying to land.
Ship’s Captain: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know-
[Commander Violet is shown to be a vampire]
Ship’s Captain: OH GOD, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE PURPLE!!!!
[Crew gets killed.]
[The helicopter lands, and Rip Van Winkle steps out.]
Rip: This is my favorite kind of ship: Running with blood und semen.
Rip: It’s the Game!
Violet: What game?!
Rip: You lose! LOL, I’m so random!
Violet: Uh, so, the ship is now under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.
Rip: Ah, danke schoen, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them into Ghouls, betraying your family und country, all for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?
Violet: Wow, uh, when you put it like that I feel like kind of a cunt.
Rip: Oh, but you know what might make you feel better, Captain?
Violet: Uh, what’s that?
[Rip levels her musket at the sailors, who gasp.]
Rip: Checking your privilege. [Opens fire]
[Scene change to the Hellsing mansion]
Alucard: Walter, if I may confide in you…
Walter: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.
Alucard: I am positively throbbing over these guys returning.
Walter: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours…
Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I’ve killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
[Scene change to Anderson talking with Enrico on the phone while confronting a group of Millennium soldiers.]
Anderson: I see! Now it’s open season for these heathen swine!
Enrico: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.
Anderson: They knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.
Enrico: I do not know the metaphor on which you draw, but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses and unite under the banner of God.
Anderson: Ah, I see! So this… is a CRUSADE!
Enrico: No, nonononono! We don’t say that anymore, we’re calling it… ah, damn, what do the American cows say?
Enrico: Right! Now, shall we… keep the peace?
Millennium Soldiers: FOR MILLENNIUM!
[They open fire on Anderson, who quickly dispatches them.]
Anderson: Only until it’s time to slide in the knife!
[Scene change to a meeting between Integra and Sir Penwood in the London war room]
Penwood: We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it’s resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers of the coast of Corning.
Integra: Have you acquired visual via satellite?
Aide: Yes, and they’ve left a rather cryptic message that we’ve yet to make any sense of.
[We see Integra looking at a photograph of the ship’s deck with the phrase “THE CAKE IS A LIE” scrawled on the deck in blood.]
Integra: I- I don’t get this. I don’t get it.
Penwood: None of us know what it means either.
Integra: Is it a reference or something?
Aide: Of course, there was one other shot we had—
[We see a photograph of a yellow umbrella in the middle of the phrase on the deck.]
Aide: —which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me.
[Quick cut to Rip on the deck holding a yellow parasol and her musket]
Rip: Rainbow, tacos, Doctor Who, Homestuck!
[Cut back to the war meeting.]
Integra: This person looks like they’re begging for attention.
Penwood: And they’re about to get it! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter. They’ll have visual any moment now.
[There is a long pause.]
Integra: Wait for it…
[Another brief pause.]
Radar Operator: We’ve lost both helis! [The assembled officers gasp] And that was Portal, by the way. That’s Portal. That’s… what it’s from.
[Sir Penwood is visibly shaking by now]
Integra: Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military. Since it seems like you’ve got this one on lockdown, I’ll leave you to it.
[Integra gets up and turns to leave.]
Penwood: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we’ve decided we require the Hellsing Organization and their services.
Integra: You know, it’s amazing how much time and people we could save if you’d just ask us in the first place. [She turns to leave] Walter?
[Walter chuckles and follows her out.]
[Scene change to a hallway with Walter and Integra walking down it.]
Walter: We’re talking a hefty game, Sir Integra. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.
Integra: Well, we can’t send a submarine, it could be a depth charge showcase down there.
Walter: Can’t go at it from the sides, can’t go at it from below.
Integra: So our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above.
Walter: Well, we do have one option. However, it was decommissioned in 1998.
[Alucard enters the scene.]
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: You sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
[Scene change to show Rip Van Winkle dancing and singing the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” (aka the Rick Roll) by Rick Astley.]
Rip: A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of. You would’t get this from any other guy.
[Cut to the bridge.]
Nazi Officer 1: The hell is she singing now?
Nazi Officer 2: I have no idea, I think it was popular a couple years back.
Nazi Officer 3: At least she is no longer on about the ponies, and the friendship, and the wrapping up of winter.
[During this, Rip sings the lines I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, Gotta make you understand in the background.]
[Cut back to Rip singing.]
Rip: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
[She suddenly collapses and trembles in fear.]
Rip: (Gasps) IT’S HIM! LIKE ZE MAJOR SAID!
[The bridge officers are unaware of what is actually happening.]
Nazi Officer 2: Uh, mein fraulein Van Winkle, the- the song was nice, so you don’t need to-
Rip: (Aiming her musket straight up) PREPARE FOR COMBAT! IT’S ALUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!
[We see Alucard flying in with the SR-71 Blackbird as “Shoot to Thrill” by AC/DC starts to play.]
Nazi Officer 2: Focus your fire! We are going to tear that aircraft apart!
[Alucard grins in expectation. The Nazi gunners open fire, but cannot stop the Blackbird. Rip takes aim at it.]
Rip: Vhey say no man can kill you Alucard, that’s because you don’t use a man to do a woman’s job!
[Rip fires and destroys the Blackbird, but Alucard releases his Level One restraint and continues to dive towards the deck.]
[Alucard and the Blackbird’s wreckage impact on the ship’s deck, setting it ablaze. We see one Nazi set on fire screaming and subsequently crushed by debris. We then see Alucard rising from the wreckage completely unharmed.]
[Rip is terrified at this point.]
Alucard: So… nice ship you got here.
[Rip pulls herself together and levels her musket at Alucard. A remix of “In the Hall of the Mountain King” from “The Social Network” soundtrack starts to play.]
Rip: I am Rip Van Winkle, und I command your respect!
Alucard: No, you demand my attention.
[Rip fires on Alucard.]
Alucard: Ow! Ooh!
Rip: I don’t have to take this from you! You racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig! [Rip then gasps as Alucard catches a bullet with his teeth and crushes it.]
Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40s, I hate everyone equally, and there’s no one alive who can comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Miss Van Winkle- (punches Rip in the face) -CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
[Alucard grabs Rip’s musket and begins shoving it through her chest.]
Rip: Vait- Vhat are you-?!
Alucard: Oh? Haven’t you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? Bitches love cannons.
[Rip screams as Alucard fully impales her on her musket, killing her.]
[Scene change to the Major addressing the troops on board the zeppelin.]
The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little… “Surprise”. However, before ve begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down ze street in his Porsche. “Class Var.” You make it to vork, und you find out that ze annual drug test is today. Und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife’s awful parents. “Drug Var.” But vhen, you find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. “Race Var.” Then, you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat’s right und what’s wrong. “Flame Var.” You finally get home, und you decide to relax by vatching a program about: “Who gets ze box?” “What’s in ze box?” “How much is vhat’s in ze box worth?” “Storage Vars.” (chuckles) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, and certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you’ve all been vaiting for! I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!
[The Millennium Soldiers begin cheering.]
Millennium Soldiers: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!
[We then see several characters including Anderson, Enrico, Seras, and Pip staring at the moon, which has turned blood red, an ominous sign of what is to come that night.]
[Then, we see Alucard on the ship. At the sight of the moon, he begins laughing maniacally.]
Alucard: I’d better not miss a damn thing.
— Hellsing Ultimate Abridged 4