oh god i want to throw up just thinking about it

anonymous asked:

pls expand on your ridiculous experiences during one semester at a fake college

okay I got a few asks about this so let me see what I can remember right now. These might not all be in chronological order

- At orientation, they were talking about the reservation near campus and all these pretty sites and this kid in the back of the auditorium goes “So uhh…heard this place might be built over a Native American burial ground?”

- The speaker: “…Let’s not think about that, okay?”

- The freshman were on campus alone for like a week and a half (other than the RA’s) before the other students and I just. The parties. Were out of control. An ambulance was called basically every night.

- I walked into the bathroom the first night there to find a girl literally dying because someone slipped something in her drink and she was having a Very Bad Reaction

- Sting- you know, the singer- ‘s son lived in my residence hall. This boy almost accidentally killed me on three separate occasions (while I was just trying to do my laundry)

- I told my family about this at Thanksgiving. Everyone in the room advised me to seduce him

- I ate breakfast in the dining hall exactly once. I got scrambled eggs. I noticed no one had brought out ketchup with the condiments and politely asked about it. I received glares from at least ten different people. Apparently people there don’t believe in ketchup on eggs.

- There were these two boys in my English class known as “The Lumbard Guys”. They didn’t live in my residence hall, but they would come over almost every night, start a party, and destroy part of the basement.

- At orientation this one kid got mad and set his shoe on fire to prove a point

- Also at orientation like??? My roommate disappeared???? And I never saw her again???

- Listen like…this campus just looked like the perfect setting for a horror film, but none of the people from the area got that. They all thought I was crazy until some comic from Comedy Central did a stand up act and said “Why the hell is this campus so creepy? I feel like I’m gonna leave here with someone else wearing my face!”. I felt way too validated.

- ALL OF MY CLASSES WERE SO FAKE

- My “math” class was actually a disguised home ec. course???? All we had were word problems that were incredibly detailed recipes or instructions on how to fix things. The teacher, who I swear to GOD was actually my Mr-Rogers-Wannabe guidance counselor from high school in disguise, spent more time trying to come up with names and backstories for the models in the text book than actually trying to teach

- I had to take a class called “first year seminar” because neither of my parents went to college. It was supposed to be teaching you about how the school works and stuff but SUPRISE BITCH WE’RE JUST GONNA YELL ABOUT RACISM AND PRIVELGE FOR AN HOUR.

- Literally that’s all we did. Just the whole class bonding over all these struggles we had gone through and getting fired up. Like, it was great, but I also ended up knowing very little about campus and school stuff bc that was the class that was supposed to be teaching me lmao

- My Psych teacher was fucking hysterical for the first few classes but then he just. Vanished. I had to drop the class

- My Fine Arts teacher just. Couldn’t stick to a teaching plan. Her entire wardrobe was scarves. She was very passionate about African masks. She had a flapper haircut. She spoke quietly, but with a marvelously forced tone of voice that I’m certain was her trying to sound impressive and hide a Boston accent. She didn’t seem to understand the year was 2014. She took us into the city to go to the Art Museum and we lost her in there, never to be seen again

- I’m not even kidding

- My “writing” teacher was my absolute fav omfg. She was this long grey haired hippie lady who worked as a nurse for the Grateful Dead and was still stuck there. She may or may not have hooked up with my uncle. I was her favorite student because one day I came in wearing a “HAIR” shirt. She wanted to take the class to England for the sole purpose of going on a Beatles tour

- But like…she did not teach a writing class omfg. She taught a social justice class. All we did was have informed debates about The Issues and listen to music and occasionally watch the Breakfast Club. Every time there was a big paper due on the syllabus, she’d just sit on her desk and go “I mean, I don’t have to cover anything, right? You guys know how to write!” Like I genuinely don’t think she knew what class she was teaching

- There was a boy who sat next to me in that class. He was deaf in one ear and used that as an excuse when he got caught blatantly not paying attention. It worked every time. But I was right next to him. I saw him playing Yu-Gi-Oh on some website on his phone under the table. One time we started talking about model cars and he pre-cummed.

- There was a boy who roamed the campus in a long black trench coat and a weird hat. I never saw his body and started to suspect he might not have one, just the theory of one. He took interest in me because I was the only person in class who ever got his Doctor Who jokes. He’d come up to me at dinner and blast quiz me on various nerd culture before running off and disappearing into the shadows. Just as I was starting to grudgingly accept I was probably going to have to eventually hook up with him for the greater good, I apparently offended him by saying I like Picard more than Kirk. He didn’t stick around to listen to my reasoning. Whenever I saw him after that he would loudly start talking about how great his girlfriend was. Everyone knew he was lying. I wonder if Kirk ever sucked his theoretical dick as well as I would have.

- I gave a football player a shout out on Yik Yak. He really appreciated it, and gave me some fries laced with weed as a thanks. That was such A Night ™ , I watched the Lorax and left the dimension.

- Every time we had dances, this creepy guy named Horace would find me and use my obvious discomfort to make me dance with him. He’d hold my wrists and shove his crotch on mine while vaguely swaying to the beat. I had to escape to the bathroom every few minutes. Finally the security just banned him from the events altogether. I can still see his face clearly in my mind.

- One night, I walked into the bathroom to find a perfect, untouched pizza laying on the floor…but not in a box. Someone literally just took it out of the box and laid it down. I’m still fuming.

- One time I was in the mostly empty library when I smelled something. I walked down the rows of shelves before rounding the corner, and found the President of the college hidden there, sitting on the floor, smoking, a bottle of vodka in his hands. We held eye contact for a solid minute. He slowly shook his head at me. I said “Sir, your house is like…literally across the street.” He shook his head more vigorously. I left the library.

- One night, I heard screaming. I looked out the window to find a girl in a giraffe costume scaling my building. People were throwing water bottles at her. I was concerned. I didn’t know who to talk to for answers.

- I was in line trying to pay for dinner. One of the lunch ladies climbed on top of the ice cream machine and refused to come down. Her friend came over and they started recreating the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Very few people acknowledged it.

- Someone jacked up the soda dispenser so it was only dispensing beer. None of the staff cared enough to fix it.

- I caught my RA in the middle of a drug deal so she gave me a coupon for free ice cream

- Also side note: The soft served ice cream machine on campus was actually a frozen yogurt machine. I had no problem with that, but like, advertise correctly, you know? Nobody else seemed to understand my confusion. Nobody else seemed to understand that froyo and ice cream are two different things. What the hell.

- There were just…so many moths all over the campus. A terrifying amount. When it started getting colder I was like, finally, I won’t be attacked by moths anymore! Only for even more moths to appear. I asked a local about it. “Oh, those are the winter moths!” What the fuck are winter moths? What the fuck, Massachusetts? My friend back home grew convinced that Mothman was in the area. I was inclined to believe her. Sometimes I close my eyes and all I can see are moths everywhere, waiting for the moment to strike.

-  I’ve encountered deer many times in my life. I know how they act around people. But the deer on this campus were just weird. They’d run out at people all the time. One almost shoved me into traffic.

- My roommate gave my phone number out to literally anyone she found who mentioned they liked to read or liked Doctor Who. She was concerned I had no friends. No one ever called.

- I met a small Greek girl in my Fine Arts class. Our first day of talking, she made me climb a mountain with her so she could get to tutoring, even though I had no reason to be in that building. Her roommates kept mysteriously disappearing. She was late to everything. She’d call me randomly to get food at 1 in the morning. She kept somehow breaking phones and tvs and other electronics. When I asked her how they kept breaking, she waved it off with “Oh, I have OCD. You wouldn’t understand”. I have OCD, and I still don’t understand. One time she invited me out with her friends from high school. I waited outside her building for two hours, while the other friends waited in the parking lot for two hours, because we didn’t know how to find each other. She eventually came outside at 10:30 pm. We went to Friendly’s. She made us stop at her house so she could grab something. We pulled up a long, winding driveway and stopped in a parking lot. At the end of the parking lot were stone stairs that lead up to a mansion on a hill. She ran inside and the rest of us stayed in the car, listening to High School Musical and talking about Supernatural. When she came out 40 minutes later we decided to try and prank her. It went wrong. We almost ran over her friend’s sister with the car. They invited me to a pumpkin patch. When I started complaining about my roommate, she asked me to move in with her. I thought about the other three girls who had seemingly gone missing. I politely declined. Six months after I left the school, I received a text from her asking for notes for an exam, and radio silence after that. I can’t find her on facebook. I fear she might have gone missing too.

- One night, as I was standing outside huddled in the cold, a boy came up and offered me a cigarette to help me stay warm. I turned it down, but he stood around talking to me for a few minutes afterwards. I felt absolutely no awkwardness at all. He was a musician from Colorado. He sang a bit of one of his songs. He was dropping out of school to go to California the next week. He told me I had beautiful eyes, but his were the most alive eyes I’ve ever seen so I couldn’t believe the compliment. We talked for about ten minutes and I fell a little bit in love. He had to rush off to a club meeting, but he told me he’d rather keep talking. He gave me the sweetest smile before he left. I didn’t get his last name or number and I never saw him again.

- There was a dance on Halloween. I couldn’t think of a sufficiently slutty yet classy costume, so I just went as Osgood from Doctor Who. When I got there there was a huge crowd, but people quickly grew bored and started leaving. There ended up being six people left (myself included). We stayed because we could see the upset faces of everyone who had planned the event, but actually had one of the most fun nights of my life. We- myself, the girl from across the hall, Trench Coat Boy, his tiny friend who never spoke, and a boy and girl I didn’t know who seemed to be professional dancers- danced nonstop for almost three hours. The strobe lights and poppy music solidified an unspoken bond. I had never and to this day haven’t felt as free as I did that night. The tiny quiet boy’s smile could have lit up a city. It’s etched into my mind. We all left the dance talking about the surreal feeling in the air, as if something had shifted. None of us ever mentioned the dance again. It’s still one of my fondest memories.

- For a solid month, there was someone in a gorilla costume running around campus.

- There was a rash of sexual assaults on campus. A gang of boys kept jumping girls in the woods. The only thing the school board did was give out free rape whistles at lunch one day. I missed that day, making me one of the only students on campus without a whistle. Later that night when I ordered pizza, the delivery guy tried to start up a conversation with me about all the assaults. He blamed the girls. I took back my tip.

- Sometimes the showers just…filled up with black sludge. No one knew why.

- The girls in the room next to me were very bizarre. They always shot me odd looks and whispered to each other constantly. I couldn’t figure out if they were sleeping together or not. They never washed their hands when we were in the bathroom.

- The doors to each dorm were thick and heavy and required effort to push them open. My roommate and I made sure to lock ours every night, and would triple check it. It swung open by itself almost every night. The channels on the tv would change with the remote equidistance away from us. Sometimes I heard humming in the showers when I was the only one in there.

- My roommate…deserves a whole separate post dedicated to her, honestly.

- She would call her mother and have her do her homework for her. She blasted music constantly, and it was either country or hard rap, nothing in between. She sexiled me constantly. I once walked in on anal. She’d meet guys on Tinder, fall in love with them after a couple of days, and then bring them into the school and into our room like it was no big deal. One of them made it clear he was a budding serial killer. She was in a new drama every week. One time someone called her a dilf on Yik Yak. She was firmly convinced her cousin was blonde because her aunt dyed her hair when she was pregnant. She tried her hardest to get me laid by a football player. She was the loudest drunk I’ve ever encountered. Honestly there’s just too much about her for this omfg

- John Zaffis, the famous paranormal researcher, came to the school on my birthday. I went because I’m a loser who’s been watching shows with him since I was a kid, and I was having a bad day so I decided it could be a treat. I sat in the front row. He held an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with me the entire presentation. He was impressed with my questions. He lamented about the fact he’s always cut out of movies or replaced by priests that look like him. He apparently came to the school every year around Halloween to do a ghost tour around the campus for the students. A girl allegedly killed herself in my floor’s bathroom. He apparently always got a lot of activity around the campus. Everyone in the freshman class started wondering if the rumors about the Native American burial ground were true.

- One time in “writing” class the teacher gave us a number and then whatever song came up as that when we put our music on shuffle we had to play for the class. I ended up with “Touch Me” from Spring Awakening. Midway through the song, the teacher from another class came to complain that they could hear everything. My teacher tried to defend that all music has an important message. “Molly, dear, tell her the message in this song!” I looked around the room and at the other teacher. “It’s about sex,” I said quietly. She stormed out of the room while the class started laughing.

- There was this girl that just had the natural ability to make anything boring. I feel bad saying that, because she’s such a sweet girl, and she’s smart, and she’s gorgeous, and she’s talented, but just…every time she says anything, it’s boring. I’m still friends with her on facebook, the talent transcends to writing as well. You could be having a fun, lively conversation and she could say something completely relevant to the point and yet it would still just be boring. It’s a baffling talent, I still don’t understand how she does it.

- There was a boy who’d come into my room. He lusted over my s’mores poptarts. He kept trying to hit the high notes in Broadway songs. He didn’t understand my sense of humor at all, so we both were constantly worried we were offending each other. He cried about Selena Gomez a lot.

- The dining hall only offered horrendous food. I had pasta almost every night because it was the only thing remotely edible. If you wanted good food, you had to go to Late Night, which was between like 10:30 and 1 I think??? They set it up specifically for stoners and people leaving parties. I was frequently the only sober person there. Except for the moths.

- The chief at the pasta place found out I like theater and got like…weirdly passionate about it. He kept telling me about different theater groups in the area and wanted to know if I was in the school musical. He asked me every time I went up for food.

- There was a disproportionate amount of large black birds to trees. It wasn’t hard to figure out why we so rarely saw smaller animals

- When I told my advisor I was thinking about leaving (mostly for financial reasons but also the fake classes were preventing me from getting an education I wanted, you know?), this little old man looked around his office as if checking for people listening in, then put his hand on top of mine, leaned in close, and whispered “Oh, you sweet little girl. Run as fast as you can.”

There’s definitely more but listen. This school was weird and fake and vaguely surreal and off-kilter. I am fully afraid that one day, years from now, I’m going to be driving through the back roads and pass the place where the campus should be, only I won’t find anything there at all, and won’t be able to find any trace of it ever existing. I won’t be able to find any record of it. I won’t be able to find a record of any of the people. Every time I think about this place I just get a weird feeling, like I somehow managed to escape the Twilight Zone but left a part of me behind in the process. Be careful when applying to college, kids.

cocked & loaded [dwayne johnson/vin diesel]

okay, so if i were to write the academy award-winning and world peace-establishing screenplay where Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel slowly fall in love, this is what it would look like:

  • vin and dwayne would be bitter Rival Agents for an intelligence agency. both would be up for a Big Promotion.  they would both be working together (but against each other) on something something black market mafia.  the mafia would be involved.  they would be VERY CLOSE to cracking this case.  
  • whoever cracks the case gets the promotion! because things like this are always very clear-cut in movies.  and whoever gets the promotion is the Better Agent, and it’s settled forever.
  • what they don’t expect is when they finally go in to make the Big Bust on The Family is that the Big Players will still be at large–and there will be a BABY.  
  • the baby will fall into agency custody, and will require surveillance in a remote safehouse.
  • “i need YOU TWO to pretend and be this baby’s GAY DADS to protect the baby and keep The Family off our tail while we close in on them,” says Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o.  
  • dwayne and vin and baby are begrudgingly moved to a suburb of provincetown, massachusetts. cut to shot of a FOR SALE sign being pulled down, a ford fusion hybrid pulling up behind a moving van.  dwayne and vin step out.  they are both wearing muscle shirts and mirror-lensed aviators.  dwayne grabs a baby bag, throws it over his shoulder.  vin grabs the car seat out of the back, and both of them walk-slow motion up the side walk to their new 800k beach house.  
  • here’s what they expect: passive aggressive co-existence for a couple of weeks, where they try to be the Better Dad in a bid for the promotion they both want.  dwayne will go jogging with the baby every morning!! vin will wear her in a sling when he goes to the farmer’s market and smiles at the vendors while feeling up avocados and selecting fresh caught filets of fish!! 
  • here’s what they don’t expect: their next door neighbors are going to be Channing Tatum and Idris Elba and their five beautiful, interracial babies.  they are the perfect Gay Family, but “also,” dwayne says, pushing vin inside from where he’s been grilling steaks and drinking MILLER out of a CAN in broad daylight for the Real Gay Family to see and call over from their patio!!! “these guys are the REAL DEAL.  they’re gonna know something’s up!  i know we’ve had our beef, but we gotta step our game up and work together if we’re gonna make this operation work.”  
  • “you’re right,” vin says.  he’s nodding, looking at a ground, but then up and meeting dwayne’s gaze. “you’re RIGHT.” they’re gonna make this partnership work!!! they are going to be the BEST GAY DADS.
    • CUT TO: vin and dwayne staring at the king sized mattress in the master bedroom.  “i can just–” vin says, but dwayne grabs him by the shoulder and shakes it playfully.  “no man,” he says. “it’s all in or nothing.” 
    • CUT TO: them jogging together with baby playfully squealing from her stroller early in the morning.  
    • CUT TO: vin playfully feeding dwayne grapes at the farmer’s market.  “it’s all or nothing,” he repeats, raising his eyebrows (???? eyebrow folds? idk man). dwayne rolls his eyes and TAKES THE BITE.  
  • CUT TO: channing tatum in monogrammed shorts and pink polo and boat shoes on their front door step with one of his many perfect, precious toddlers on his shoulders, asking them to dinner.  “uh yeah,” dwayne says, cool as a cucumber. he’s not freaking out (he’s totally freaking out!!).  “we’ll bring the wine.”
  • “we’ll bring the wine?” vin repeats, in a hushed voice so the neighbors and baby don’t hear them fighting. “do you know anything about wine? they probably have a second house in france!  i haven’t had anything that didn’t come from a box since–since ever! what were you thinking?” “i panicked!  it seemed like the right thing to say!” 
    • TIRES SCREECH as the ford focus hybrid drifts into the whole foods parking lot.  
  • they show up out of breath, foreheads glistening, with baby in her favorite babybjorn, feet kicking from the day’s excitement of wine shopping.  vin, wheezing, passes a bottle of red and a bottle of white.
    • “oh, a chateau coutet barsac,” idris says with a chuckle, showing the label to channing. “remember that time–?” and oh my GOD, they have inside jokes!! 
    • (”we don’t have any inside jokes!!” dwayne whispers when they immediately excuse themselves halfway through a tour of the house. “that’s because you are the least funny person i know!” vin replies. “god, i hate you!!!” they both probably hiss at each other.)
  • the worst and best part of the night is when they’re serving the roast veg salad, and channing says with the best intentions, “so, how did you two meet?”
    • “uh,” vin says.
    • “the gym,” dwayne says. which, actually turns out to be true.  they look at each other, smile soft and genuine for once at each other, REMEMBERING. before they were BITTER RIVALS, they met at the academy gym and were GYM BUDDIES.  they used to have FUN trying to beat each other’s PR on the treadmill, they used to LOVE shit talking each other when they spotted each other bench pressing, they used to snap towels at each other’s asses in the locker room and totally not check each other out or anything!!! and then they were both accepted to the same position at work and they stopped being friendly for whatever reason.  they stop smiling, they look away from each other.  “anyway.”
    • “we met building houses for habitat for humanity,” idris offers, because of COURSE THEY DID.
  • the second worst part of the night is when channing mentions during the dessert course that two weeks from now is the annual May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, and maybe dwayne and vin would like to host to get to know everyone else in the neighborhood! 
  • vin has had like, three more glasses of wine than everyone else, and with aid of liquid confidence, shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair and says, “yeah, man, we’d love to.”
    • “’yeah, man, we’d love to?’” dwayne repeats when they’re walking home, baby asleep in her bjorn. 
    • “sorry, did you want me to give ourselves away? what happened to being the best? we’re trying to be believable!” 
    • “yeah,” dwayne says, watching vin strip off his shirt and pants and toss them over his shoulder into their spare hamper before crawling into their bed.  it’s routine.  they both have their sides of the bed.  “believable.”
    • the bedroom is quiet as they face away from each other at the edges of the mattress.  eventually dwayne asks, “do you remember why we stopped being friends?”
    • for a second he thinks maybe vin’s gone to sleep.  but he turns over.  “no,” he says.  “or yeah, maybe. as soon as i realized we would both be seeing action, it became too much of a risk.  friendship.  it was easier to lose you as a friend on my terms than lose you as a friend because you got your dumbass killed.”
    • they decide to be friends again.  you know, for the baby.  for work. whatever.  
  • they get so caught up in planning the May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, making inside jokes and ignoring the increasing casual physical intimacy between them that they don’t realize they are BEING WATCHED.
  • the mafia is HERE and they want their BABY and they want dwayne and vin DEAD.  
  • the M.D.H.N.B.P.C.C happens and everything is going according to plan, and they are about to have dwayne judge the bisque portion of the competition, but no one has seen dwayne anywhere!!!!
  • are there warehouses in provincetown??? is there a bad part of provincetown??? anyways, that’s probably where the mafia took dwayne.  vin is FREAKING OUT, how does he save dwayne??? how does he protect the baby, who they are using dwayne as ransom for??? who will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookoff???
  • idris puts a hand on his shoulder.  he’s been watching the entire time.  “i’ll take the baby into our panic room–” OF COURSE THEY HAVE A PANIC ROOM, “and channing will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookofff.  you go save your man.”
  • CUT TO: vin getting geared up to go out and kick some mafia ass, entering their walk-in closet and grabbing GUNS and a BULLET PROOF VEST and lacing up his L.L BEAN MEN’S GORETEX LEATHER BOOTS.  
  • vin takes out the entire warehouse-or-whatever of mafia lackeys and comes across dwayne tied up and blindfolded.
  • “who’s there!” dwayne demands, like he’s ready to fight despite himself.  vin takes three strong steps forward and grabs him by the back of the head and pulls him in for a kiss.  “guess who,” he replies.  dwayne smiles.
  • just then the Final Boss shows up as dwayne is being untied and like, something dramatic happens or whatever, but it’s okay.  they die or go to jail or something, it doesn’t really matter, because dwayne and vin are in LOVE and they’re gonna adopt the hell out of that baby.
  • CUT TO: a month later.  Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o is disappointed when vin won’t accept his promotion.  
  • “i would,” he says, heavily decorated for saving dwayne in the field and taking down the mafia family.  “but the code of conduct says that it would be a conflict of interest if i was my husband’s supervisor.” BAM! THE END.  THEY’RE MARRIED.  WORLD PEACE UNLOCKED.   DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED.  EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
okay @ all of france i really really REALLY need you to go vote in the second round, PLEASE.

if you don’t want le pen to win, vote for macron. it’s that easy.

no “she’ll never win anyway”. that’s how brexit happened.  

no “but he’s not great either”, that’s how trump got elected.

no “I’m abstaining because i want to send a message”, that’s just plain stupid and i hope i don’t have to explain why oh my god. PLEASE.


If Le Pen wins, the EU is finished. Yes I’m german and I’m openly admitting that without France, we can’t do it. 
If she manages to win the election she’ll also be able to get France to leave the EU, and that will be a desaster for everyone involved.
Look up how absolutely fantastic the Brexit negotiations are going if you’re still on the fence about that.


It’s a very similar situation to the one the US was in last year.
One 
“ugh a boring politician they’re not exciting and has ties to the big banks and voting for them won’t change anything god i hate the system”
candidate
versus one 
oh look a charismatic fascist who will probably literally kill us all and throw the country, if not the continent, into utter chaos” candidate.

please think twice before you say it’s a choice between two evils. it’s not pest oder cholera, at the very worst it’s a stubbed toe versus lung cancer, and the lung cancer’s best chances lie in people not voting at all.

Yuri!!! On Stage Event Report!

So today (4/29/2017) I went to the Yuri on Ice Yuri on Stage event. To clarify though, I was not at the actual Tokyo event, rather a live viewing at a local movie theater. Which of course does alter the experience but it’s the next best thing. At first I thought the theater was only doing the afternoon session, but very last minute I ended up being able to attend both!

Keep reading

Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will bring the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?
“How?”

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.

“FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!”

For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

INT. - PADDY’S - DAY

DENNIS walks through the door of the bar and slams it behind him. He looks positively gleeful. There’s a real spring in his step.

DENNIS: Everybody, gather ‘round. I have some big news to share.

THE GANG gathers ‘round. Dennis surveys them all a moment, and then takes in a deep breath.

DENNIS: Now, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock, but I think I should just come right out and say it: everybody, I’m queer.

THE GANG starts talking over one another, hollering things at Dennis.

DEE: What do you mean you’re queer? You bang chicks all the time!

FRANK: Are you saying you want to bang dudes, too?

MAC: …Are you saying you want to bang dudes?

Dennis lifts his hands. 

DENNIS: Guys, guys. Please. You are all operating with an extraordinarily antiquated understanding of what it is to be queer. All this talk of “banging dudes.” Ridiculous. That’s not what the word queer means.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I thought it just meant, like… weird. Or strange.

DENNIS: That’s exactly right, Charlie. Which is why I, as an aromantic heterosexual man, can claim the word.

FRANK: What the hell is an aro-

DENNIS: I’m glad you asked, Frank. I read about it in GQ. An aromantic heterosexual man is someone who is sexually attracted to women, but has no desire for a relationship with one. Which, let’s be honest, describes me perfectly. And that’s why I’m coming out. As part of the queer community.

DEE: You asshole.

DENNIS: Dee, that is extremely aphobic, and I will not have it. Calling me an asshole for my sexual preference is no better than calling Mac a -

MAC: Please don’t finish that sentence, Dennis.

Dennis throws up his hands, faking defensiveness.

DENNIS: Well, excuse me, allogay.

MAC: What? What are you -

CHARLIE: Hold on. I’m confused. If you want to bang chicks but not date them, how is that… weird? Or strange? I mean, I thought that was pretty common.

FRANK: Yeah! You know, I think I might be an aromantic heterosexual, too.

DEE: Oh, Jesus Chri-

DENNIS: That’s wonderful news, Frank. And I hope you know that no matter what these aphobic bigots say, you are valid.

FRANK: Wow. I’m valid!

DENNIS: That’s right. Now let’s hit the strip club and bag us some puss!

Frank and Dennis high-five one another and exit through the front door. The remaining members of the gang are silent for a moment. Dee and Charlie exchange a skeptical look. Mac, eyes still on the door, lets out a sigh.

MAC: God. Damn it.

hannahtheladybug  asked:

Hi! I love your blog soooooooo much! I was wondering if you know any good fluffy slow burns? Thanks!

WOW! Thanks for all these requests! I looove slow burn fics, they give me life! Let me know if you think I missed some!

Originally posted by shiruba-tsuki


Slow Burn


Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya, Explicit, 197k
A single event changes the course of Yuuri’s life, throwing him into a bitter rivalry with Viktor Nikiforov that spans across his entire skating career. But as the years go on, rivalry and hatred begin to develop into something very different and Yuuri doesn’t seem to be able to stay away, no matter how hard he tries. Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin and even though everything changes, some things are still meant to be. Oh, man, do these boys not communicate their feelings! Seriously one of the best fics I have ever read in ANY fandom. Love this fic so much.

starstruck by shizuoh, Teen, 58k
(in which yuuri is a simple barista, viktor is a famous movie star, and yuri is an 8 year old kid stuck in the middle of it.) SO good!

What Fades On The Ice by KasumiChou, Gen, 54k
Yuuri Katsuki was a living legend in the skating world. A living legend that depended on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets to survive. Viktor Nikiforov was a young ‘up-and-coming’ skater who was determined to convince his idol to coach him after an extremely bad result at his last competition.How will Yuuri survive the hurricane that is Viktor Nikiforov? Very angsty!

Bear Your Soul on the Ice by SassySalchow (diedraechin), Mature, 118k (WIP)
At age fourteen, Katsuki Yuuri had been determined to be Japan’s next great figure skating hope, but with no coach that would never happen, so his ballet instructor packs him up off to Russia to train with Yakov Feltsman. The Yakov Feltsman, otherwise known as the coach to rising figure skating star – and Yuuri’s idol – Viktor Nikiforov. AMAZING!

You Can’t Plan for Everything by RivDeV, Explicit, 138k (WIP)
Yuuri forgets that he has a scheduled heat coming up until it’s just a couple weeks away. He scrambles to get everything ready in time, including deciding whether he’ll spend it alone or with someone. Victor only wants to help. A/B/O rec’d to me by my followers!

Tantalus, Reaching by chellethewriter, Teen, 
A retelling of the series that chronicles how a five-time Grand Prix champion might attempt to woo a somewhat oblivious Japanese figure skater.

Nerve Endings by Phyona, Explicit, 51k (WIP)
When Yuuri moves in with Victor in St. Petersburg, they have to work through Yuuri’s anxiety and Victor’s secrets to find their balance. LOVE!

rekindling by fan_nerd, Mature, 9.1k
Victor stands on Yuuri’s doorstep in the pouring rain with a bouquet of flowers. It’s the middle of the night. The tall man is out of breath, soaking wet, and his eyes are red. Yuuri sighs, letting his ex-boyfriend in like the sympathetic fool that Victor knows he is. “What are you doing here?” He hurries to catch his breath and reply, but his mouth is dry. Victor doesn’t exactly have an answer to that question. I love this so much??? Amazing fic!

not gold like in your dreams by ebenroot, Teen, 49k (WIP)
In which Victor and Yuuri are roommates and Yuuri has a secret. WOW!

matched by bigspoonnoya, Explicit, 52k
Viktor Nikiforov considers himself an excellent matchmaker, but there’s one love life he can’t seem to get right: his own. AMAZIN

and I feel life (for the very first time) by smudgesofink, Teen, 10k
In which Victor helps Yuuri with his skating, but Yuuri helps Victor find himself again.

cover story by fan_nerd, Explicit, 8.2k
Yuuri stares down at the person standing in the doorway. The stranger hisses, “Who do you think you are, anyways?” Quickly, before he can really think about it, Yuuri responds, “I’m Victor’s boyfriend.” It’s a lie, but the words feel good in his mouth, and for some reason, he doesn’t want to take them back. Such a good one shot!

Dancing Daffodils by grayclouds, Mature, 51k (WIP)
“As Love gently wipes away the tears that trail down his cheeks something within Victor quakes, its tremors resonating throughout his entire being like a deafening echo. He is in the arms of a god.” BIG THUMBS UP!

offer me) that Deathless Death by melonbug, Teen, 19k (WIP) **Major character death
It was the curse he and his family were fated to: Death would come for him the moment he turned eighteen, and he could only hope the flimsy wards passed down through the generations would protect him. But Death always won eventually, Death would snatch him up as he had all of his ancestors.But somehow he wasn’t what Yuuri had expected. He was a constant presence in his life, barely there. A vigilant spectator to his burgeoning skating career, a gray haired man with a soft expression who found him again and again, waiting for him to let his guard down, but becoming something more, over time.

Beside the Dancing Sea by lily_winterwood, MapleTreeway Explicit, 186k
New York Times-bestselling author Viktor Nikiforov arrives in the sleepy seaside town of Torvill Cove to cure his writer’s block. After encountering local wallflower Yuuri Katsuki at a party, he discovers that this mysterious dark-haired man has a couple secrets up his sleeve. And Viktor will be damned if he doesn’t find out just what those secrets are. LOVE this fic!

Until You Return to Me by BatMads, Teen, 113k
Yuuri and Victor are in St. Petersburg together at last, but when Yuuri has difficulty adjusting to the transition and tragedy strikes, it seems as though they may be separated forever. Now they struggle to find their way back to each other when the universe seems to conspire against a happy ending. So angsty omgomg

Everything on Fire by SakanatoAi, Teen, 28k (WIP)
In an alternate universe where the physical closeness between two soulmates is measured by body temperature, Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov have spent their entire lives chasing after fleeting moments of warmth. As they grow older, their actions begin to draw them towards each other in a blind search for their anonymous soulmate, and the eventual release from the relentless cold which will be granted by their union.

The Boyfriend Experience by cryingoverspilledvodka, Explicit, 119k (WIP)
Katsuki Yuuri is an accomplished escort at 23, operating under the pseudonym Eros, in Detroit. When one of his favourite clients sets him up with none other than world-renowned figure skater Victor Nikiforov, the delicate balance between Yuuri’s personal and professional life teeters ever closer towards ruin. Such a great fic!

Like a Fairytale by lucycamui, Teen, 63k (WIP)
In which Prince Victor gets swept off his feet at a royal banquet and will go to any length to find his ‘Cinderella’ Yuuri. VERY cute!

November’s Secret by LanaBerry, Mature, 23k (WIP)
Overwhelmed with anxiety and his fear of failing, Yuuri faces the issue of if he should continue skating. His best friend, Yuko, proposes a solution - if no one knows it’s you, then it’s less embarrassing, right? Yuuri begins to create a completely new disguise and persona.But it works a little too well.Before he knows it, Yuuri has become the biggest mystery of the skating world and everyone wants to know who he is. Especially Viktor Nikiforov, the idol he’s been loosely basing his new persona on for years. Ahh I love this!

how the mighty fall (in love) by braveten, Teen, 28k
Every Victor Nikiforov fan has three things in common.
1. They have unrealistic expectations for romance.
2. They mark their calendars with the dates of his newest book releases and the premieres of his latest movie adaptations.
3. They either passionately hate or love his greatest rival, a mysterious author whose pseudonym is only two letters: “KY.” Lots of mutual pining!

Aria: Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare by exile_wrath, Teen, 34k (WIP)
The tale of Yuuri Katsuki, who never ages and never dies and has lived frozen in time for centuries, and his attempts to keep his adopted son from killing the new guest. Such an amazing immortal AU!

pas de deux by intertwingular, Gen, 24k (WIP)
in which yuuri, premier dansuer and four time usa international ballet competition gold medalist, ends up teaching yurio ballet, and viktor is just the slightest bit smitten. Very sweet!

fire on ice by indianchai, Teen, 15k (WIP)
Everyone in the world had some sort of affinity with one of the four elements; the proper term was elemental affinity– whether they were best suited with fire, water, earth, or air.All figure skaters were water users. Never in the history of the sport was there professional ice skater that didn’t have water as their elemental affinity. Katsuki Yuri had a well-guarded secret that he can’t have anyone find out about.

Beard Burn

Characters: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Steve likes to grow his beard out between missions, and you think its sexy.  He wants to know why you think so, then he gets turned on. (it’s just smut)

A/N: inspired by the goddamn soft!bearded!steve board.  y’all….just let me live. also i need to learn how to title things.  i called it fucking “beard burn.” @ myself come on…

Warnings: oral sex (fr), language

Words: 2148

Tags: @daybreak96 @feelmyroarrrr @jimtkirkisabitch 

Part Two

(this gif made me wet tbh)


Steve glances up over his book at the sound of you entering the room.  He smiles.  “Hey, doll.”

You stop dead.  “You have got to be kidding me,” you mutter, taking him in.  He’s lounging back on the bed in nothing but a pair of low riding sweats. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he was still growing out his beard.  And—God help you—he was wearing glasses.

“Goddamn it, Steve.”

Keep reading

I don’t even know. I was taking a walk today and this idea popped into my head. I swear I’m still writing the bookstore AU, too. Also, *pops confetti*, I hit 2k followers today! Who ARE all you guys? Anyway, this fluff/ridiculousness is for you. ~1.6k words, rated G. Sterek, of course.

now also on AO3

The whole thing starts with Stiles really, really craving a meatball sub from the place across the street.

“God, someone shut him up,” Erica groans. They’re all kind of at their breaking point by now; they’ve been camped out in this meeting room all day, brainstorming. “He’s been talking about the same goddamn sandwich for seven and a half minutes now, and it’s making me hungry.”

“If only our ad campaign were about sandwiches, Stilinski would have it in the bag and we could all go home,” Isaac sighs.

From across the table, Derek rises abruptly to his feet and storms out. (Or maybe it’s just that Stiles always interprets everything Derek does as stormy. With those eyebrows, it’s hard not to.)

Stiles assumes he’s just gotten so fed up with them all that it’s either storm out or kill someone, and he’s just grateful Derek chose Door Number 1. It’s a good day not to get killed by Derek Hale.

Only, fifteen minutes later he comes back in. With a paper bag from the deli.

As soon as he gets within grabbing distance, Stiles practically collapses across the table in his haste to reach for it. “Oh my god, is that what I think it is?”

Derek holds it up over his head. “Who says this is for you? Maybe all your talk inspired me to go get a meatball sub of my own.”

“Oh, please. Like anyone with your abs eats meatball subs.” Stiles leaps to his feet on his swivel chair—because screw safety, Derek will catch him if he starts to topple over—and snatches the bag out of Derek’s grip. Derek doesn’t fight him for it very hard.

“Why don’t I get a meatball sub?” Erica whines, thumping her head down on her notebook. “Doesn’t anyone love me?”

Derek shrugs and takes his seat again. “You didn’t ask.”

“You just like Stilinski better,” she grumbles, and Derek just shrugs again.

Meanwhile, Stiles rips into the bag and takes a huge bite out of the gloriousness that is this sandwich. He can’t help throwing in a few theatrical moans just to taunt Erica, and she suitably rewards him with a glare of death across the table.

“Mmm,” Stiles says. “Derek, I love you so much, dude. Marry me.”

Instead of the grumpy eyebrows he expects, Derek meets his eye, leans back smugly in his chair, and says, “Okay.”

Keep reading

→ nudes, not flowers (pt. 1)

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

☆ pairing → Hoseok x reader x Jungkook

☆ genre → fuckboi!au, smut 

warning  public sex, slight voyeurism/exhibitionism, dirty talk, dom!junghope, demeaning names during sex if you aren’t into that, jealousy

☆ word count   → 5.5k

summary   → you’re not supposed to fall for Jung Hoseok and his repertoire of awful pick-up lines – but you do. the problem is: he’s afraid of commitment, and bolts at the idea of settling down. you decide to stay far away from fuckboys, but his friend decides to test your new found resolutions

or : Jungkook wants to see how far he can push Hoseok until he snaps 

→  pt i | pt ii

a/n  → …. why tf did i do this to myself!!! (this is just smut that i had to split into two parts rip)
anyways tagging @kstopping @gxtsmxt @thotmi bc nothing says i love you like a junghope smut am i right



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hugealienpie  asked:

I see prompts are open yay! Please tell me all about Ford finding out about Bitty and Jack.

Ooh, this is interesting, because I don’t feel like it’d be an announcement, but just something Ford finds out when Jack visits or the like. I mean, it could go the other way, like Lardo could be, “heads up, Bitty’s dating our ex-captain” and Ford would be like, “okay? why are you telling me?” (She’s a theatre background, what is a Bad Bob to her?) I think she’d be pretty chill with it, and coming from theatre, like being gay is not an issue, esp in college (and even at the professional level) and esp if we go with the oft reblogged “Ford is gay” headcanon.

But here is a small fic that is only half based on the above…

Ford double checks the dozens of pages Lardo has given her for the upcoming roadie. She thought dealing with dressing room allocation was hard (and it is, one hundred percent) but figuring out room allocations is somehow worse, particularly when she’s new, and hockey players are more superstitious than the girl who played Johanna in Sweeney.

“So, who was it I’m meant to pair Oliver with?” Ford asks, grabbing for the red pen she’d stuck into her bun earlier. She comes out with a green one. It’ll do.

“Wicks. But really, he’d be fine with any of the guys in his year.”

Ford makes a note on one of the pages. “Okay, then I think I’m–Oh, shit.”

“What is it?” Lardo looks up from her sketchbook.

Ford double checks through all her sheets before she says anything. She’s not worrying, because there’s no time for that, she’s just already hating the amount of extra work she’ll need to do to fix things.

“I’ve left Eric, um, Bitty,” Ford corrects herself, still getting used to hockey nicknames, “off the rooming list.”

“Oh, that. Nah, you’re good.” Lardo goes back to her drawing. “He stays with his boyfriend when we’re playing up there.”

“Boyfriend?” Ford double-checks.

“Yeah. He’s in Providence. And he’ll drive Bitty to the games and practices and stuff. Should’ve emailed you that. My bad.”

“That’s fine.” Ford grabs another pen from her hair, forgetting she already has one in front of her. It’s red this time. “Just thought I was going to have to redo an entire afternoon’s worth of work.”

“Right,” Lardo says. “I can see why the minor freak out.”

“Excuse you, I did not freak out.” It’s half a lie. Ford has so many notes on these sheets, but she’s not freaking out, she’s managing. It’s all part of it.

Lardo looks up and smiles at her. “Knew you’d be fine at this.”

Ford takes the compliment with a gracious nod, and goes back to ticking off the rooming list against the team names. All accept Eric.

Keep reading

The Club (M)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
Genre: Smut with a dash of fluff.
Word count: 3.6k 

Part one: Kitchen Counter, Part two: Laundry Room.

» Song: Love In This Club part II

Summary: ”Or we can just do it here.“ He hummed, his fingers immediately latching onto his belt and working as quickly as ever to get it loose. “Jeon Jungkook,” You quietly scolded with a laugh, placing a hand over his and looked around. “People can see you.” Once you looked back down at him, he shook his head slowly, “It doesn’t matter, baby,” He reasoned, his tongue flickering over his lips. “Everyone’s wasted, I promise. I just…I want you so bad.” 


Keep reading

Maybe Next Time (m)

[10:36 PM] Jimin: babe, i have an emergency

[10:37 PM] You: what is it??

[10:37 PM] Jimin: um, i’m really hard right now. help me out

[10:38 PM] Jimin: baby, please. i want to fuck you so hard, hear you scream for me so fucking bad

[10:39 PM] Jimin: [image0541.png]

[10:39 PM] Jimin: please? :)

Synopsis: You’re finally seeing Jimin tomorrow after months of amorous skype sex, but the night before he asks for a small favor.

Originally posted by jiminarmy

Pairing: Jimin x Reader // gaming au/long distance relationship

Genre: Smut, Humor

Word Count: 4k

Includes: skype sex, dirty talk

Trilogy: Until Next Time ↣ Maybe Next Time ↣ At Last

A/N: the last part will probably be called “finally” from how i feel abt this trilogy coming to an end HAHA. sorry this fic is really short btw qq i’ll try to bump it up for the next ^^


[11:29 PM] Jimin: is requesting a video call…

[11:30 PM] You: missed a video call from Jimin.

Three months have passed since the accidental encounter with Park Jimin, your cyber fuck buddy. You would have never guessed that a random stranger from a dumb online game would grow the slightest ounce of significance in your life; then again, perhaps you just got lucky.

[11:30 PM] Jimin: wtf are you doing, don’t you want to see my face?

[11:32 PM] You: We have thirty minutes till midnight and i want to sleep

[11:32 PM] Jimin: well i just want to see you

[11:33 PM] You: ur literally seeing me tomorrow. leave me alone omfg

It isn’t a lie that you are going to hop on a short plane ride to see him in person after viewing his face through a small screen for months. Honestly, the few months of phone sex and dirty texts lost their excitement and thrill. So, like every time before, Jimin pressed on the fact that you should see him.

And after giving the same response of “no” for a while, you finally comply and the long awaited day is less than 24 hours away.

So why the fuck is he requesting to video call as if that day is never arriving?

[11:37 PM] Jimin: please, i’m kind of horny rn :)

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` ° * ✧ ° RANDOM SENTENCE STARTERS PT 2.

❛ I wish that I could tell you. ❜
❛ You should have stayed. ❜
❛ Please don’t come looking for me. ❜
❛ Just get out of here. ❜
❛ I don’t know, I just don’t know. ❜
❛ Why did you come? ❜
❛ Do you think this is a game? ❜
❛ Can’t break something that was already broke. ❜
❛ Don’t fix something that isn’t broke. ❜
❛ Why can’t you just butt out?
❛ I don’t need your help. ❜
❛ I’m not here for you. ❜
❛ You’re never here for me when I need you. ❜
❛ Is that smell you? ❜
❛ Can you please just stop already. ❜
❛ I’m leaving you. ❜
❛ I just didn’t want you to come around. ❜
❛ Are you sure you’re okay alone? ❜
❛ No, no, no, no —- I just checked it last night. ❜
❛ Don’t worry, you’ll learn how to do it someday. ❜
❛ I think we are going to like each other a lot. ❜
❛ I just wanted to come and let you know. ❜
❛ So, what are you going to do, now that you know? ❜
❛ You have got to be fucking kidding me right now. ❜
❛ Do me a favor and shut up already. ❜
❛ Scratch the serial number off of it. ❜
❛ I’m not wearing a mask. ❜
❛ You act like it’s all my fault sometimes. ❜
❛ I’m here for your pity party. ❜
❛ You are in a lot of trouble, you know that right? ❜
❛ You aren’t allowed in here. ❜
❛ Who invited you? ❜
❛ You aren’t wanted around here anymore. Sorry. ❜
❛ I can’t keep covering for you. What’s going on? ❜
❛ Just tell me what’s wrong! Talk to me! ❜
❛ There’s so many things I would’ve done differently. ❜
❛ Stop crying about it and do something about it. ❜
❛ Stop looking for the things worth dying over and find the things worth living for. ❜
❛ So, prove them wrong. Thats the best way to do it. ❜
❛ Don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me. ❜
❛ Yeah, well, we all have our sob story so just save it. ❜
❛ Don’t cry over me or for me, I’m not worth it. ❜
❛ It isn’t cheating if you aren’t actually dating. ❜
❛ You know what? That’s a good idea. ❜
❛ You need to find someome better already. ❜
❛ I’m not listening to your bullshit right now. ❜
❛ Is that a freaking condom? ❜
❛ It smells like sour milk in here for crying out loud. ❜
❛ Am I really standing here witnessing this right now? ❜
❛ I’m not a bad influence if it’s always your ideas. ❜
❛ I never forced you to do anything. ❜
❛ Are you really walking out on me? ❜
❛ Come near me again and I’ll blow your head off. ❜
❛ Treat me like the princess that I am. ❜
❛ Just remember a lot of guys want what I’m letting you do right now. ❜
❛ How can you possibly be in love with two people at the same time? ❜
❛ Let’s just get out of here. ❜
❛ Shhh, I’m going to key his/her car. ❜
❛ There’s no one even here. ❜
❛ I’m just saying, it sounds like a bad idea. ❜
❛ Is that blood on your shirt? ❜
❛ Oh my God, are you bleeding?! ❜
❛ Jesus, don’t you ever get tired of doing that. ❜
❛ You know they throw people in Asylum’s for doing that. ❜
❛ You’re just looking for trouble, like always. ❜
❛ Enough is never enough for you. ❜
❛ I could never get tired of this. ❜
❛ You’re so jumpy lately. ❜
❛ I mean I feel bad but whatever. ❜
❛ I have a reputation to maintain unlike you. ❜
❛ Why are you staring at me? ❜
❛ Stop feeding into his/her bullshit! Wake up! ❜
❛ Are you on drugs or something? ❜
❛ You have lost your fucking mind, once and for all. ❜
❛ Yes, you summoned me. ❜
❛ I’m not here to help you. I’m here to watch you struggle. ❜
❛ Hey, cut it out already! I can hear the stupid TV. ❜
❛ Are you seriously asking me this right now? ❜
❛ Have you ever tried to count the stars? ❜
❛ I should kill you right now! ❜
❛ Don’t you dare walk away from me! ❜
❛ I know where you live! Don’t forget! ❜
❛ I just wanted to have a good time but no, you couldn’t let me, could you? ❜
❛ This friendship has officially sunk, hope you’re happy. ❜
❛ Are you satisfied now? You should be. This is what you wanted. ❜
❛ I don’t get everything that I want unlike you. ❜
❛ Must be nice to be that miserable all the time. ❜
❛ Happiness is the most temporary thing in life. ❜
❛ Everything happens for a reason, right? ❜
❛ You can call me at any hour. Always. ❜
❛ There’s nothing that I can’t do. ❜
❛ You’re like a forty year old, like an old soul or something. ❜
❛ Say it or I’ll cut your finger off. ❜
❛ I will stab you right in the eye if you look at me one more time. ❜
❛ Go ahead and look but don’t touch, unless you want a broken limb. ❜
❛ I’m actually a serial killer. I’m not joking. ❜
❛ You have such a morbid sense of humor. ❜
❛ This is our time, come on, let’s have our time. ❜
❛ Hey, want a hand with that? ❜
❛ I almost forgot what that felt like. ❜
❛ I just want to feel something. I don’t know what though. ❜
❛ I need your help with something. ❜
❛ I’m pissed off right now. ❜
❛ Don’t go breaking my heart. ❜
❛ Why do you build me and watch me fall? Is that fun for you? ❜
❛ Well, I’m used to it by now, so take your best shot. ❜
❛ I hate crying. It makes me mad. ❜
❛ I really don’t want to be seen with you right now. ❜
❛ Please, just don’t forget. Whatever you do. Don’t forget. ❜
❛ You can’t catch me though. ❜
❛ I know I said fucked up things and I’m sorry. ❜
❛ Look, I’m an asshole. I don’t mean be to be. ❜
❛ I’ll try not to be an asshole anymore. ❜
❛ Any pocket knives or anything? ❜
❛ Where’d you go? ❜
❛ I’m going to turn myself in. ❜
❛ Did you finish your cigarette yet? ❜
❛ You can turn around and face the other way. ❜
❛ It wasn’t worth it, was it? ❜
❛ I have no idea what you said. ❜
❛ Right now, you’re acting very weird. ❜
❛ I don’t even know what that statement means. ❜
The Case of the Bed Stranger

Stiles/Derek, T, 1.5K words, College AU

Written for the following prompt: The house party me and my friends threw kinda escalated and after throwing out everyone I found this half naked person passed out in my bed but I can’t be bothered to wake them up now so I’m just gonna go to sleep and deal with it in the morning, they are kind of cute anyway AU


“Erica,” Derek says calmly—very calmly, he thinks, considering the situation. It’s two in the morning, he just trudged back from the library with a pounding headache behind his eyes, and he comes home to find their apartment the site of a raging house party, with drunk undergrads everywhere.

“Hey, Der,” she says, with that wide grin that only comes out when she’s had one drink too many.

“You didn’t tell me you were throwing a party,” he says, his jaw clenched, and she scoffs.

“This? This isn’t a party. This is a, uh, just a little get-together.”

Derek rolls his eyes. “It’s finals, for fuck’s sake. I’m going to bed, at least turn the fucking music down.”

He pushes through the crowd—accidentally hitting some of them with his backpack, oops—and finally seeks refuge in his room. The noise is dulled, blessedly, when he shuts the door behind him, and he exhales, letting his eyes fall shut. His momentary calm evaporates, however, when he opens eyes and notices the very important fact that someone is currently asleep in his bed, sprawled out on his stomach like he owns the place.

All Derek can see is broad bare shoulders, messy brown hair, and half of a mole-dotted face, pressed into the pillow and currently slack with sleep. Huh.

Derek sighs. He’s fucking exhausted, he doesn’t want to deal with babysitting some drunk kid right now, and he really doesn’t want him to wake up and then throw up in Derek’s bed or something.

Plus, the traitorous little voice in his head says, he’s really cute.

Derek shakes his head, irritated, as he drops his backpack on his desk chair. He strips down to his boxers and skips brushing his teeth—he’ll do it twice in the morning, and people are probably fucking the bathroom anyway, Jesus Christ.

Derek pulls back the comforter and gently slides into the bed, trying not to disrupt the mattress before he realizes that he’s being ridiculous. Why is he even considering a stranger’s comfort? It all seems for naught, anyway, because this kid apparently sleeps like the dead.

He takes a quick peek under the blankets, and at least the guy’s still wearing briefs, thank god. Derek doesn’t want to have to worry about accidentally sexually assaulting someone in his sleep.

He flops over onto his other side—thanks to the king size bed, his only grad school indulgence, there’s plenty of room—and closes his eyes. He’ll deal with this shit in the morning.

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Miraculous Headcanon

Warning: i have been adding to this headcanon for nearly a month so it is pretty long xD OOPS SORRY NOT SORRY (i did put a cut though, so, yeah) NO REGRETS

  • Marinette is a youtuber
  • Her channel consists of mostly sped up videos of her drawing designs and making her designs. Some have voice over, some have soothing and relaxing music.
  • Her channel blew up
  • Partially because, wow, she’s really talented for only being in high school
  • And people just really enjoyed watching her work, it’s very unique
  • Sometimes she’ll do simple tutorials on how to make a simple skirt, or get started on designing, but those are more rare videos
  • She has a second channel that is less professional than her main, where she posts a bunch of random vlogs that her and Alya take whenever they do something interesting, or even some random challenges. Most of these videos involve Alya, since she got Marinette to make a second channel for fun vlogs
  • Her international followers (#subtitles) find it very interesting anytime she talks about Ladybug and Chat Noir because there are legit superheroes in Paris and no other part of the world has seen that.
  • They vlog all sorts of things
    • going to the craft store for new fabrics, buttons, patterns, literally anything Marinette needs for her next project (or they’re just bored)
    • They record random things they see around Paris, cosplayers of LB and CN, pigeons being weird, aesthetics
    • Alya and Marinette have a weekly “review” which includes Alya buying something for Marinette to review- mostly themed around her favorite heroes
    • Sometimes just walking around the mall. Nino is spotted in many vlogs as well, but Adrien is rarely seen since he is already around so many cameras in his normal life Marinette is respecting his privacy
  • A lot more below the cut because I have been working on this headcanon for nearly a month!

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Zach asking you to sleep over at his house - part 3

Warnings: graphic descriptions and images of sex/sexual activities. You’ve been warned my lovelies:) Enjoy!


Your P.O.V
The morning sunlight peeked through the curtains, basking the room with its warmth. I was tightly cocooned in a strong pair of arms, my back pressed against a muscular chest. There were soft snores echoing in my ear. I turned my head slightly, to see who the culprit of this snoring was, finding the peaceful face of my sleeping boyfriend, Zach Dempsey. 

Originally posted by sensualkisses

‘That’s right… Me and Zach… We actually did it last night.’ A sense of giddiness overcomes me. I remember last night so vividly… 

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First Time for Everything

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Word Count: 2,400

Warnings: smut, language, hilarity

Summary: (inspired by this post by @missjackil ) Sam’s never had a blowjob, so you take it upon yourself to convince Sam to let you give him his first ever blowjob.

Send a message or leave a comment! Feedback is always appreciated!

Dean loved to brag. He bragged about everything, from the perfectly executed execution of the monster on their latest hunt to how many beers he’d outdrank his brother by. Usually the latter ended with him toppling onto one of the two beds, slurring his way into a sleep that would last for a good twelve hours. Sometimes he bragged about the blowjob he’d gotten from the pretty bar waitress, betting Sam that “he’d probably never gotten a better blowjob.”

And it was true.

Sam hadn’t gotten a better blowjob because he’d never even gotten a blowjob.

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Mischief and Babygirl // A Stiles Stilinski Roommate AU Smut

Prompt: Imagine two people being in a situation where they can’t stand each other and are forced to live together. They hate each other with every fiber in their body and are always mad about the smallest things. But, what they didn’t know was that they had made an online friend and had grown very fond of each other and started dating online with each other. When they decided to meet up and see one another for the first time, they find themselves in a very shocking and unexpected situation.

Relationship: Stiles Stilinski x Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Explicit Sexual Content, Smut, Mutual Masterbation, Dirty Talk, Sexting, Nudes, Oral (male on female), Fingering, and Swearing.

Word Count: 6,829

A/N: This is definitely one of my favorite one-shots I have written. I really hope y’all like it, too. It’s another round of me and @celestial-writing just putting ideas together (love you)! Also, how fucking hot is angry Stiles tho???

And guys, I put this thing so you can now read your own name instead of (Y/N)!! If you’re not on my blog, you just have to click the little box which will take you there and BOOM, now my fics have become 100% personal for you! (Unfortunetly, doesn’t work on mobile)

Your name: submit What is this?


Immediately letting out a shout as anger boiled up inside of her for the millionth time today because of the same freckled boy, (Y/N) grabbed the empty jug of milk out the refrigerator and trudged towards the dining room table. There sat her four roommates and greatest friends in the world, well everyone except Stiles Stilinski that is.

“Stiles!” She yelled, throwing the empty bottle in his lap and startling him. “I swear to God, if you ever leave anything empty in the fridge again, I will kick your sorry ass!”

“Sweetheart, you couldn’t kick this ass no matter how hard you tried.” Stiles scoffed and took the bottle off of his body to place it on the table.

“You wanna bet?” (Y/N) threatened.

“Funny.” He laughed which only made the young woman even more furious than she already was.

Stiles immediately jumped when she harshly slammed her hand down on the surface in front of him, leaning her face so close to his that they were only inches apart.

“Never doubt a woman’s capacity to destroy someone.” (Y/N) stated, her voice harsh enough to make him gulp. “We do know how to perfectly get rid of blood stains after all.”

“Damn, Stiles.” Scott chuckled from his seat on the table. “If I were you, I’d go buy a lifetime supply of milk right now just to protect myself.”

“Nah,” Camile disagreed and everyone could hear the smile in her voice. “What they need to do is sleep with each other already. The sexual tension between you two is really tiring.”

“I’ll say.” Madi groaned. “I’m the one who’s room is right next to theirs and, God, the fighting is non-stop. Just have sex already, please? Not for the love of God, but for my sanity!”

“(Y/N) wishes she could get into my pants.” Stiles smirked, a grin playing on his lips as their eyes locked.

“Oh please, Stiles.” She scoffed, standing up straight again. “As if you actually had something in your pants that interested me.”

“Ouch.” Scott cringed and a devious smirk made its way onto (Y/N)’s lips when she noticed Stiles get offended by her comment. “I’d leave her alone after that one.”

Stiles angrily skid his chair back, its legs screeching against the tiles, and stood up. As intimidating as it was to have him look down into her eyes due to how much taller he was, (Y/N) stood her ground and didn’t dare shy away.

Out of nowhere, Scott picked up the butter knife he was using for his bagel and unexpectedly begin to swat the air in between the two young adults.

“What'cha doing there, Scott?” Stiles asked, their eyes now staring at their fellow roommate.

“Trying to cut the sexual tension between you two, but damn it’s too strong.” He laughed, the two other girls in the room laughing loudly along with him.

“Screw all of you.” (Y/N) huffed, walking away from every single one of them and going up the stairs to her room in anger.

As much as she hated to admit it, Scott was unfortunately right. There’s no doubt about the sexual tension within (Y/N) and Stiles and, yes, both of them have yet to confess that they’ve thought about being with each other on more than one occasion. But, even though she does have a secret crush on him and would love it if Stiles got under her bedsheets, the way he gets under her skin frustrates (Y/N) more.

Reaching the first floor of the house the five of them rent so they don’t have to live in crappy dorm rooms, the furious girl walked inside of her bedroom and shut the door behind her. The sound echoed through the halls and the four left downstairs all jumped at the sudden sound. Scott, Camile and Madi instantly glaring at Stiles.

(Y/N) immediately laid down on her messy bed and grabbed her phone from her nightstand. Tapping on the instant message app, she began texting her online friend. I wouldn’t exactly say that they were just online friends because it’s so much more than that. They’ve been texting each other anonymously for about a year now and couldn’t get enough. Neither one of them have ever shared a picture of their faces because they want to focus on personality and not appearance. All the time that they’ve spent texting, both knew for a fact that they really liked one another. Which is why the two are beyond nervous for their first blind date tonight.


Babygirl 💋 [12:45 pm]: Today is the day I commit my first murder, Mieczyslaw

Mischief 💚 [12:45 pm]: Roommate again? 😂

Mischief 💚 [12:46 pm]: Well, where do you want us to hide the body?

Babygirl 💋 [12:46 pm]: Should we just bury him out in the woods?

Mischief 💚 [12:46 pm]: Nah, that’s a dead end. The cops would find it too easily

Mischief 💚 [12:46 pm]: What we need to do is go to the zoo and when no one’s looking

Mischief 💚 [12:47 pm]: We throw his body in the lion’s den

Mischief 💚 [12:47 pm]: There’s no crime if there’s no evidence

Babygirl 💋 [12:47 pm]: You know, sometimes your intelligence really scares me

Babygirl 💋 [12:47 pm]: You’re too much of a fucking genius!

Mischief 💚 [12:48 pm]: Just a genius?

Mischief 💚 [12:48 pm]: Nothing else? 😉😏

Babygirl 💋 [12:48 pm]: And really fucking sexy

Babygirl 💋 [12:48 pm]: Especially when you talk cop to me

Mischief 💚 [12:49 pm]: Well, in that case…

Mischief 💚 [12:49 pm]: All units proceed with caution

Mischief 💚 [12:49 pm]: We have a 180 on our hands here

Babygirl 💋 [12:50 pm]: Fuck

Babygirl 💋 [12:50 pm]: The things you do to me…

Mischief 💚 [12:50 pm]: What kind of things, baby?

Mischief 💚 [12:50 pm]: Tell me everything you’re thinking 😉


(Y/N)’s entire body sparked with immediate desire the second she finished reading his message and she could already tell her panties were slowly getting wetter by the second.


Babygirl 💋 [12:51 pm]: Well, for starters

Babygirl 💋 [12:51 pm]: I can’t wait till our date tonight because I’ll finally be able to feel your lips on my own

Babygirl 💋 [12:51 pm]: I’ll get to feel your hands all over my body

Babygirl 💋 [12:52 pm]: The friction of our skin sliding against each other taking over all of my thoughts


Stiles Stilinski shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he continued to read the dirty texts his online friend was sending him. The excitement for their blind date tonight getting stronger than ever and Stiles honestly couldn’t wait until he finally came face-to-face with the girl that completely takes over his thoughts. Well, second girl that is. The first being his favorite roommate (Y/N) (Y/L/N). He knew that he irritated her beyond belief, but he couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked everytime her eyes glared at him with such fury that it instantly became sexy or how her lip would snarl in anger and how much he desperately wanted to bite down on it.

Their relationship was an addictive game of Cat and Mouse and both parties enjoyed every second.


Mischief 💚 [12:53 pm]: Fuck, baby

Mischief 💚 [12:53 pm]: What else?


“Do you have ants in your pants or something?” Camile questioned the smirking young man and Stiles’ head immediately snapped up at the blonde. “Stop moving so much in your seat, dude.”

“U-Uh…” Stiles stuttered, feeling like he just got caught doing something very naughty. Which wasn’t exactly far from what was going on on his phone. “S-Sorry.”


Babygirl 💋 [12:54 pm]: I can’t wait till your mouth attaches to my neck

Babygirl 💋 [12:54 pm]: Then slowly keeps going down and down…


“Why do you keep grinning at your phone like that?” Madi asked, tearing Stiles away from the intoxicating text.

“He’s talking to his internet girlfriend.” Scott smirked. “They pretty much sext daily.”

“We do not sext daily!” Stiles complained at the same time that (Y/N) sent him a picture of her body in just her underwear, showing him exactly what he would be touching tonight. “Fuck.”

“What’d she send this time?” Scott laughed, the three curious twenty year olds trying to peak over Stiles’ phone to see.

“None of your business, Scott.” Stiles scolded, getting up from his chair and trudging away towards the staircase. “Or anyone else’s for that matter!”

“Make sure to clean yourself up afterwards!” Camile yelled.

“You’re disgusting!” Stiles shouted back, a holler of laughter taking over the dining room. “Go to hell!”

“Only if you’re there, too!”

Once Stiles reached his bedroom, he entered his safe space and shut the door behind him. By the way their texts were leading up to something more, he knew for a fact things were about to get hot and heavy and he didn’t need anyone passing by his room to see him in a very vulnerable state.


Mischief 💚 [1:02 pm]: I can’t wait to touch you, baby

Mischief 💚 [1:02 pm]: I’m literally counting the seconds until I finally get to lick your stomach

Babygirl 💋 [1:03 pm]: Fuck, Mieczyslaw

Babygirl 💋 [1:03 pm]: What else are you gonna do to me?

Mischief 💚 [1:03 pm]: My tongue is gonna keep going lower until it reaches the place you want me the most

Mischief 💚 [1:04 pm]: Then, I’m going to slowly circle it around your swollen nub

Mischief 💚 [1:04 pm]: I’m gonna wrap my lips around you and suck so hard you’ll be cumming in a matter of seconds

Babygirl 💋 [1:04 pm]: Oh God, Mieczyslaw

Babygirl 💋 [1:04 pm]: Keep going

Babygirl 💋 [1:05 pm]: I’m almost there


In the short time that Stiles spent arguing with his friends downstairs and texting her the dirty things she so desperately wanted to read, (Y/N) had removed her clothes, taken a picture of herself for him and began working on her own body thanks to how hot he’d made her. She started out by moving her hand slowly around her clitoris before using her other hand to pump two fingers inside of her soaking wet core. Even though she really liked Mieczyslaw, she didn’t exactly know what he looked like so, as shameless and dirty as it was, (Y/N) thought about the first sexy guy she could think of. That handsome man being, none other than, the exact same person that was currently thinking about her as he quickly unzipped his jeans and pushed his hand inside of his boxers to get a hold of himself.


Mischief 💚 [1:06 pm]: Fuck, that’s so hot

Mischief 💚 [1:06 pm]: Send me a picture

Babygirl 💋 [1:07 pm]: Attachment


Stiles cock twitched when he noticed that she hadn’t sent him a picture, but an actual video instead. Rubbing himself with one hand, Stiles used the other to press play on the video with eagerness laced in his blood. The footage began to roll and the boy licked his lips in anticipation. Stiles groaned and increased his pace on himself when he realized it was a video of the girl fingering herself for him, her sexy moans almost pornographic. It consisted of a full view of her body, her breasts perky for him as her finger moved fastly inside of herself. In a matter of seconds, (Y/N)’s legs began shaking to indicate she would be soon falling over the edge and that’s exactly what happened. Hearing the girl moan shamelessly and watching her entire body shudder as an overwhelming orgasm​ hit her, it didn’t take much for Stiles to also reach his.

His legs shook and his eyes shut, Stiles’ head falling back on his pillow, at the same time that hot cum shot out of his tip and immediately landed on his stomach. He imagined it was (Y/N) that had jerked him off and it was enough to make his high last longer. Stiles didn’t even mind the sticky release on his skin, all he could think about was how much pleasure he was currently in.

As soon as (Y/N) finished cumming and sent Mieczyslaw the footage, the girl had got up from her bed with satisfaction in her veins. She walked over to her closet and put on a robe before walking out of her bedroom to go to the bathroom and take a much needed shower. The second she passed by Stiles’ bedroom, however, desire and lust flooded her entire body when she suddenly heard him moaning uncontrollably.

“Hey, Stiles!” She shouted, knocking on the door and startling Stiles in the process. “Stop watching porn and go read a book!”


~


“(Y/N)!” Stiles yelled angrily, his fist pounding against the bathroom door. “Get out already! I have to leave soon!”

“So do I!” She shouted back, not caring about wherever it was Stiles needed to go to. “And I have actual hair to wash here!”

“Just don’t wash it!”

“I’m going on a date, idiot! I have to be completely clean!”

“For what?” Stiles questioned, sarcasm laced in his voice. “It’s not like he’s gonna go out of his way to sniff your hair!”

“No, but he’s definitely gonna be able to smell it when his head is snuck in my neck as he pounds me into oblivion!”

It was a simple comeback, but it did manage to sting Stiles’ heart in jealousy. Slamming his fist against the door one last time, the young man let out a frustrated grunt before walking away to his room.

(Y/N) gladly took her time to finish prepping herself in the shower until she finally decided to step out of the bathroom. Needless to say, Stiles was furious at the young woman but she couldn’t find a single bone in her body that actually cared. She wanted to look, smell and even taste her best for her date tonight and no man was going to stop her. (Y/N)’s been waiting for this special night for too long to worry about what other people had to say.

Which is why the young woman just walked right by Stiles without even giving him the chance to scold her. He stared in awe as she entered her bedroom, noticing how good she looked with her face flushed from the hot shower and the droplets of water running down her skin. Stiles’ mind immediately picturing himself licking the water off of her naked body and he felt slightly guilty.

The both of them got ready at the same time and the rest of the house watched in amusement as they simultaneously shared the bathroom, arguing the entire time. (Y/N) would try to look at herself in the mirror to put on mascara and he would get in her way to fix his quiff or just as Stiles would wet his toothbrush with the running water because (Y/N) was finishing up brushing her own teeth, she turned off the tap.

“You’re unbelievable.” Stiles groaned, shaking his head and opening the tap again.

(Y/N) didn’t say anything, she just blew him a kiss that was nothing shy of sass as she left the bathroom to finish her look in her bedroom. She had already fixed her hair and put on all of her makeup, so all she had to do next was take off her robe and wear the gorgeous black dress she specifically bought for tonight. Once she sprayed herself with her favorite perfume and was ready, (Y/N) walked down the staircase and approached her other three roommates in the living room.

“Well, how do I look?” She asked and they turned their heads to take in her outfit.

(Y/N) was absolutely gorgeous and it was no surprise everyone’s jaws were dropping at her breath-taking beauty.

“Like a queen.” Scott gawked, a genuine smile lighting up on (Y/N)’s lips.

“It’s not too much?” She questioned, spinning around for them.

“Hell no.” Madi smirked. “Whomever you’re seeing tonight is one lucky guy, my friend.”

“Good.” (Y/N) answered.

Just as she was grabbing her favorite coat from the rack, Stiles had reached the last step of the staircase and laid his eyes on the incredibly stunning woman before him. He immediately stopped in his tracks as his eyes grew wide at the sight. Her hair was perfectly done and a part of him wanted to run his fingers through it but the other part of him knew that if he did it would ruin the style and that would be a crime. Her makeup was simple, however the bold red lip definitely grabbed his attention and he wanted to smudge it with his own. (Y/N)’s long legs went on for days, Stiles already picturing them wrapped around his waist. However, what caught Stiles’ eyes the most was the alluring dress tightly hung against her beautiful curves. It made his brain spin in his head and jealousy crashed all over him at the thought of her being dressed like this for someone else.

“Do you really think you should be wearing a dress like that?” Stiles asked, clearing his throat and (Y/N) spun around to gaze at the source of the sudden voice.

“What is that supposed to mean, Stilinski?” She retorted, her manicured hand settling on her hip.

“That dress is too revealing.” He scolded. “It’s definitely not first date material.”

You’re not first date material.” (Y/N) scoffed, slipping her coat on.

She didn’t want it to be true, but the young woman could’ve sworn she saw a small glimpse of hurt in his eyes. But, it was soon gone before she could really check.

“Have fun on your date.” Stiles stated harshly as he walked past her and opened the door. “I hope he’s an ass.”

Before (Y/N) could even respond, Stiles was out the door and slammed it. The rough action surprising her and making her feel not only guilty but heartbroken that she caused that. (Y/N) loved the hate relationship she had with Stiles, but she also knew she wanted more. The two constantly fought because they were so alike. Stiles loathed how quick and sarcastic she was, but at the same time loved that only she could handle bickering​ with him. (Y/N) despised that he always managed to point out the things about her no one ever noticed, but loved that Stiles actually paid enough attention to see them. It was a complicated game they played, but the two were masters at it.

“Do you ever get tired of the way you treat each other?” Scott spoke up from the couch and (Y/N) turned around to look at him, the hurt still evident on her face.

“Sometimes.” She answered softly.

“Shouldn’t you two just stop?” Scott asked. “It’s obvious that you do all of this because you’re into each other.”

“Shouldn’t you three stop butting into our love lives?” (Y/N) retorted, no longer sad but now angry at the entire situation. “It’s Friday night and you’re sitting on the couch. Go out and have fun!”

“For your information, we are going out.” Scott scoffed and the two other girls nodded.

“Good.” (Y/N) stated as she opened the door and walked out. “Get to it!”

Even though he wasn’t in the best mood, Stiles pushed down all of his feelings for the girl he lived with to focus on the girl he was about to meet. She has helped him get her mind off of (Y/N) on more than one occasion, even though they did have the same name, and he was ready for her to do that again tonight. He thought about all of the incredible times they’ve spent chatting before pulling into the restaurant they picked and parking in the first space he could find. Once he locked the jeep behind him, Stiles headed towards the main entrance and nervously waited for the girl he talks to more than his own family.

With the anger still flooding inside of her, (Y/N) left her car and arrived at the restaurant. She no longer wanted to go on this date because she knew that all she will be able to think about is the spastic boy she lives with and never leaves her brain. It doesn’t matter how distracted she gets, Stiles is always there in the back of her mind.

The second (Y/N) looked up from her heels clicking against the pavement, her heart stopped inside of her chest. With every step she took towards the main entrance, her heartbeat would increase more and more. There, in front of her, was Stiles Stilinski. The exact person she was trying to get away from.

He was so focused on what was going on inside of his mind that Stiles hadn’t noticed her until she was literally right beside him and (Y/N)’s perfume made its way into his nose. Stiles’ head snapped towards the source, his eyes growing wide when he noticed it was (Y/N) herself next to him.

“What are you doing here?” Stiles asked, entirely confused. “Did you follow me?”

“I have better things to do than follow you, Stiles.” (Y/N) scoffed. “I’m meeting my date here. What the hell are you doing here?”

“I also have a date.” Stiles smiled smugly and certainly didn’t fail to notice how it effected her.

“So, we’re both having dates at the same place?” (Y/N) stated, in awe of this awkward situation. “Wonderful.”

“Where’s your date anyway?” Stiles questioned. “Shouldn’t he have picked you up?”

“It’s a blind date.” She explained, folding her arms against her chest which made her cleavage pop out even more and Stiles awkwardly tried to gaze elsewhere. “What about your date? Weren’t you supposed to pick her up.”

“I’m also having a blind date.” Stiles retorted.

Neither one of them put together exactly what was going on between them. Both standing in the tension heavy entrance, desperately looking at whatever person that would arrive and hoping it’d be their online friend. Little did they know, their dates were standing right next to each other this entire time.

They waited for a good thirty minutes before (Y/N)’s feet started to hurt from standing so long in thin heels and she sighed.

“I think we both got stood up.” (Y/N) stated in a hurt voice.

“No, my date wouldn’t do that.” He shook his head, pulling his phone out of his pants. “I’m texting her.”

“Yeah, me too.” (Y/N) agreed, zipping open her clutch to grab her phone.

She couldn’t help but look over to his text from the corner of her eye. He was messaging someone nicknamed “Babygirl” and (Y/N) felt insanely jealous when he watched him type in “Hey, baby. Are you still coming?” She didn’t even know who this babygirl of his was, but she knew she already hated her with everything (Y/N) had inside of her. Of course she was into Mieczyslaw, but she secretly wanted to be on a date with Stiles instead. She just wanted to have one encounter with him that didn’t consist of fighting.

(Y/N)’s thoughts were, suddenly, interrupted when her phone vibrated in her hand. The girl realized she had received a message from her blind date and already scoffed thinking about whatever poor excuse she was going to read explaining why he wasn’t here.


Mischief 💚 [8:32 pm]: Hey, baby. Are you still coming?


(Y/N) didn’t even think before immediately dropping her phone on the floor in complete shock, her heart going down with it. It fell in her stomach in surprise as she finally put all of the scattered pieces together. She quickly turned around to Stiles, who was already looking at her in astonishment from how she just randomly dropped her cellphone with the screen now entirely shattered.

For the longest time she didn’t say a single word, all (Y/N) did was stare at the beautiful boy she lived with that also happened to be the person she’s been secretly texting back and forth. Stiles didn’t know what to say or do either, from how odd she was behaving, but he mentally prepared himself to drop everything and drive her to the hospital in case she needed it.

“Y-You’re real name’s Mieczyslaw?!” (Y/N) exclaimed, shouting the first thing that popped in her mind.

“What?” Stiles furrowed his eyebrows, confused now more than ever.

The young man wearing flannel watched as she bent down to grab her phone again and, without giving him the slightest explanation, stuck her phone screen out for him to read what was written on it. It took a little bit for his brain to process everything, but when it finally did he felt as if it had just exploded.

(Y/N) expected Stiles to say something, but was completely surprised when he stuffed his phone in his back pocket and grabbed her face with his hands. Before she could understand what was going on, Stiles crashed his lips against hers with such passion and fervor, (Y/N) almost fell. But it wouldn’t matter if she did our not because Stiles would’ve caught her anyway with how he wrapped his hands around her waist.

All of the anger, frustration and rage they ever felt towards each other was channeled into the kiss and started to slowly slip away as they began to be replaced with desire, need and, dare I say, love. They always felt attached to each other no matter how upset they were until only now realizing that all of it meant love. Stiles and (Y/N) loved each other so deeply and it wasn’t just sexual tension. They truly got to know each other incredibly well over the time they spent talking online, sharing so much information that they felt closer to each other than to anyone else in their lives.

“I’ve always wanted to do that.” Stiles confessed, panting as he touched his forehead with hers.

“So have I.” (Y/N) blushed and Stiles leaned in again to place another addictive kiss on her lips.

As they kissed, Stiles slid his tongue across her bottom lip and asked for an entrance to which (Y/N) happily granted. The two didn’t even fight for dominance, they just explored each other’s mouths and enjoyed every discovery. Their tongues would brush together and neither one of them had enough self control to hold back their satisfied moans.

(Y/N) broke the kiss and Stiles’ lips moved to her jaw. He created a trail of wet and hot kisses that drove the girl crazy. It didn’t matter they were in public. (Y/N) could already feel herself getting wetter and wetter by the passing second. It was when Stiles’ mouth attached to her earlobe, his teeth grazing the skin as his tongue caressed it, that she knew she desperately needed more of him.

“Stiles,” She whimpered, his tongue sliding through the shell of her ear. “Do you really want to go on this date or do you just want to get out of here?”

“We can go back to my place?” Stiles smirked.

“I’d love that.” She laughed breathlessly.

“But, I do have to warn you.” He smiled against her heated skin, now sucking a bruise into her neck. “I have the world’s most annoying roommate. She really knows how to get on your nerves.”

“Hmm,” (Y/N) grinned playfully. “Sounds like she really gets to you. Should I be jealous?”

“Absolutely, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, then, damn.” (Y/N) smirked, a light blush painting her cheeks. “I hope she doesn’t mind us crashing her apartment. I tend to be loud.”

“Fuck.” Stiles groaned, pulling his mouth away from the several different bruises he created to stare at her. “I’ll meet you there.”

The next thing she knows, Stiles is placing one last kiss on her lips and eagerly rushing away towards his blue jeep. A smile etched across (Y/N)’s face at how adorable he looked, happily climbing into his car and immediately turning it on.

The ride over to their house was full of adrenaline and excitement. Everytime they would have to stop at a red light, Stiles would look over to (Y/N) in her car and smugly lick his lips. Which would flush her entire body with more lust than it already was sporting, her core aching in need. Once they arrived and were both finally out of their vehicles, Stiles pinned (Y/N) against the front door and reattached his tempting mouth on hers. She gasped at the sudden act, but Stiles just swallowed it into their kiss. Their lips molded together as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling (Y/N) in even closer.

“What was that for?” (Y/N) asked, her lungs fighting for air after breaking the kiss.

“Because I needed to feel your kiss again.” He confessed.

A blush crept up on her cheeks and a grin made its way onto his lips. (Y/N) reached up to reconnect their mouths, tongues finding each other as she tried to zip open her clutch and grab the house keys. Stiles gently bit down on her lip and she fumbled with the zipper, his touch too intoxicating to have her focus on anything else. That’s when Stiles grabbed her hand and settled it on his lower back, a shameless moan falling from (Y/N)’s mouth when he lowered it even more. Both smiled into the kiss the second he guided her hand over his ass and squeezed, (Y/N) giggling when she realized his copy of the house keys were in his pocket this whole time.

Stiles took his hand off of hers and put it back on her waist as she slipped hers into his jeans’ pocket and pulled out the keys. The moment they were in her hand, the freckled boy broke their kiss and swiftly turned her around so she could open the door. Stiles’ mouth and teeth were sucking another hickey on her shoulder blade and (Y/N) felt weak in her knees. She didn’t know how, but she managed to unlock the door and turn the knob.

An animalistic instinct washed over Stiles and he immediately pushed the front door open, rushing the two inside. Before (Y/N) could even say anything, the young man hitched one of her legs around his waist and shoved her against the now closed door once again. She squealed when he did and Stiles chuckled against her lips. Both of their bodies dripping with lust as he rubbed his clothed bulge against the inside of her thigh, (Y/N) moaning in the process. Her hands were now wrapped around his neck, her fingers caressing his heated skin, and Stiles kept one hand on her waist as the other slowly slipped under the skirt of her dress to grab her practically bare ass. (Y/N) was wearing the smallest thong she owned and it definitely made Stiles’ cock twitch in his boxers.

“Shit, I’m seriously considering just fucking you right here.” Stiles moaned, his lips brushing against hers.

“Please do.” (Y/N) whimpered, Stiles feeling her heartbeat against his own chest.

“Please don’t.” A familiar male voice suddenly spoke up and the two lovers immediately snapped their heads towards the source.

Scott, Camile and Madi hadn’t left their​ positions on the couch since the two went out. The scene was absolutely comical from how shocked and frozen the three were. Scott had the tv remote in his hand as it pointed to the screen, his eyes wide. Camile kept a bowl of popcorn on her lap and held a single one up to her mouth, but it paused just outside of it as she stared in shock. Madi, however, wasn’t as astonished as the rest due to the mischievous grin she was wearing.

(Y/N) immediately tried to push Stiles off of her in embarrassment, but he held his ground and stayed right where he was. She couldn’t believe that they hadn’t even noticed they weren’t alone when they arrived.

“I have no problem still fucking you here.” Stiles grinned and, as turned on as she was, (Y/N) covered her face with her hands in humiliation. The girl let out a squeal when Stiles placed his mouth on her collarbone and began assaulting it with his tongue.

“Stiles!” She whined.

Out of pure respect for the girl he was holding and not because he cared that there were other people in the same room, Stiles placed (Y/N)’s leg down on the floor and took a step back from her. His hands were raised in surrender, but his eyes were still gazing at her in a cocky fashion. (Y/N) cleared her throat to rid herself of the embarrassment and slowly walked towards the staircase, Stiles watching her intently.

“Excuse me.” She stated to the three on the couch before looking over at Stiles with the lust still pooling in her pupils.

He certainly picked up what she was putting down as she began walking up the steps, Stiles hot on her trail. (Y/N) yelped in excitement when Stiles unexpectedly smacked her ass with his hand and they rushed even faster towards her bedroom.

“Go get that ass, Stiles!” Madi exclaimed.

“Use a condom!” Camile shouted after her.

Right as Stiles shut the bedroom door behind him, Madi turned around to grin at her two friends on the couch and both of them groaned. Searching in their pockets, Camile and Scott handed their fellow roommate twenty bucks each. Immediately regretting their bet on the two lovers upstairs that just yesterday were fighting. The bet consisted of when they would eventually hook up, Madi declared it would happen this month as Scott and Camile bet at the end of the year. Needless to say, the two lost.

(Y/N), yet again, was pushed up against a door and she quickly figured out that Stiles definitely has a door fetish. Not that she was complaining or found it weird in any way, it was actually one hell of a turn on. Their lips were back in sync together as Stiles reached behind her back and slowly unzipped the gorgeous dress (Y/N) was wearing, her breathing increasing at the contact. Once there was nothing left to unzip, Stiles let go of the zipper and proceeded to take off the straps of her dress. As soon as they were down her arms, he completely let go of the fabric and the dress instantly fell to the floor. Unfortunately breaking their kiss, (Y/N) stepped out of it pooling at her feet and Stiles’ jaw dropped when he took in her body.

The young man was already familiar with how she looked thanks to the countless times​ they’ve shared photos of their bodies through text, but he had never seen her in the flesh before and it was amazing to him. (Y/N) was wearing the most sexy set of matching purple underwear, his favorite color that he once told her. (Y/N) watched with hooded eyes as his own drowned in more lust than his pupils were already swimming in. Stiles licked his lips and the small action sent waves of desire straight to her pooling core.

(Y/N) was the first to break their trance as she brought her hand to the fancy flannel he was wearing for the date and began to unbutton it, she didn’t go as slow as Stiles did because she desperately wanted it off. The next thing she removed were his pants and they were finally in just their underwear together.

Stiles suddenly kneeled in front of her, surprising (Y/N) in the process, and pulled down her panties without saying anything. The second they were gone, the young man lifted one of her legs and hitched it over his shoulder. He looked up at her and placed tempting kisses on her stomach before licking her skin with his warm tongue, just like he’d promised earlier. Her body shuddered and she waited patiently as he trailed his tongue until it reached her core, already swiping up the slick folds. The small action alone made her hips twitch and she couldn’t control her moans when Stiles circled her swollen clit. He kept the motion going as he brought a finger up to tease her entrance. She whimpered of course and, the sound was so beautiful to him, he decided to give in. Stiles pushed two fingers inside of her, groaning at how tight she was, and gently pumped. It started out slow at first, but because of how responsive she was being as she moaned uncontrollably and her hips bucked continuously, Stiles decided to pick up his pace. (Y/N)’s eyes were shut as she concentrated on the pleasure and her core clenched around his fingers the second Stiles’ wrapped his lips around her nub and sucked furiously.

“F-Fuck, Stiles.” She moaned, knowing that her release was near. But, unfortunately for her, so did Stiles and he immediately pulled away.

Smirking up at the shocked glare he was receiving from her, Stiles licked her juices off of his lips and wiped his chin with the back of his hand. Normally, she would’ve been outraged to be denied of her orgasm but the way he looked right now took over her thoughts.

“I only want you cumming around my cock, tonight.” Stiles grinned, standing in front of her again and, before she could come up with a witty response, he yanked off his boxers. She was at a complete loss of words as she gawked at his delicious erection. The pulsing in her core increasing with unbelievable desire.

Stiles hitched her leg around his waist and positioned himself in front of her entrance, gazing into her eyes. Without breaking the contact, Stiles gently pushed his dick​ inside of her core and they both moaned at the new feeling. He desperately wanted to close his eyes, but wasn’t willing to take them off of hers as he thrusted. (Y/N)’s hands were settled on his back, the heel of her hitched leg digging into his ass to keep herself in place as one of his palms were flat out on the door and the other held her waist. The pleasure inside of her that was still around because Stiles was just eating her out tingled in (Y/N)’s body and, by the way she buzzed, she knew she’d be cumming soon.

Stiles increased his pace and the spring in her stomach coiled, indicating she was near. Her nails were digging into the skin of his back and Stiles would’ve winced if he wasn’t so turned on by how sexy she looked. Her eyes shut were and her head rested on the door as her unsteady breath let loud moans slip through. Stiles spread her legs more and began hitting her in a deeper and new angle, (Y/N)’s spring breaking as a result. Stiles immediately bit down on her shoulder, the feeling of her core clenching around him and her juices squirting on his cock too overwhelming.

But, he held onto his orgasm even though it was already knocking on the door. Stiles wanted this to last as long as possible and he actually managed to hold it. At this point, he was now pounding into her and (Y/N) whimpered at the extreme contact. Her body was still sensitive from releasing, but even though it was too much, she loved it.

Unclasping her bra, Stiles took it off and latched his lips onto her breast. His tongue flicking her nipple and caressing it. The second Stiles bit down on her perky bud and pulled, (Y/N) came for a second time tonight. And this time, Stiles allowed himself to as well. Her warmth clenched around him once again before his hips stuttered and he released hot cum inside of her, both moaning crazily. Their highs lasted longer than they’ve ever had and when the two were finally back in reality, Stiles stopped thrusting and placed a kiss on her lips.

“The way you annoy me every day drives me so fucking crazy, but you know what effects me more?” Stiles suddenly spoke up. “The way I smile at how you always put your milk in the bowl before your cereal or the way my heart beats faster whenever you laugh at something on your phone and time stops. But, most importantly, the way I feel like I’m flying everytime I’m around you.”

The words coming out of his mouth were making (Y/N)’s heart flutter so hard, she was sure it would eventually break her ribcage.

“Even though we bicker, I adore it because it reminds me of old married couples. And that’s exactly what I want us to be, a couple.” Stiles continued. “Because no matter how mad I get, I know that I’m deeply and irretrievably in love with you.”

“Stiles,” She smiled, looking at him with heart-eyes. “I love you, too.”

Stiles and (Y/N) have had countless fights in the time they’ve known each other. The two have shared millions of glares, angry shouts, eye-rolls, and fits of rage. But the thing was, they both loved each other in each and every one.