*gives my characters all my mental disorders and my trauma OKAY here we go*
(this also partly exists because what the fuck is a name to dissociated parts)
(Warning for mentions of bullying and shit?? some shit. idk. authority figures not handling it well, that sort of thing.)
So you’ve figured out this bullshit. Only you, so far, which is tricky with OSDD-1b because if you think too much about it or assign too much significance to it, others in-system will find out too.
But there are fairies. That’s what the deal was with not using the legal name assigned to you at birth. So instead you’ve all been using the name you chose for in case you ever integrate. Which is bad. It’s very bad, it means you can’t even think about recovery until you graduate, but you need to think about recovery because you’re all barely scraping Cs– How will you pass your classes, when you were all highkey unprepared for college stress and every time you get a chance to stop and think about life you can’t even imagine anything past this month, let alone if you ever graduate–
Luckily the name only has significance or power over you all as a Whole, or you’d be so screwed.
You need to calm down; you’re getting too emotional about this and someone is going to pick up on it.
Maybe you can change to a different name, nonchalantly, or– choose a different name for if you integrate? No, the one you already have is from before you realised you were a system, it’s what everyone calls you, it /feels/ like who you’ll all be together if you ever go together.
But to switch to a different name for day to day life would mean telling the rest of the system, which would probably result in the creation of another part. And you know what’s going on with the mind. You can tell how this place has been affecting it. The stress is fragmenting all of you, even though you still don’t ever lose time, as a Collective Group or even as individuals; part of OSDD-1b, and the part that made it hardest for you to accept it, is that there’s no amnesia between alters. But you each have your own sense of self.
Anyway. The Elsewhere has been fucking with you. It’s causing thought patterns that are worryingly similar to those of the fae. And if a new part formed, you have a sinking suspicion that it would be convinced it’s a fairy.
That would be bad.
This place is probably fucking you up. Unless you figure out a way to keep all the memories of Elsewhere after you leave, your dissociative symptoms might not ever be manageable, since integration requires an acceptance of all parts as something roughly equating to a “Myself” and that means dealing with any trauma. And there’ll be trauma here, you’re certain of it, with your Brain Problems and the fact that everyone on campus knows your WholeName… Something bad is going to happen to you.
You’re honestly tired of feeling doomed. You had pretty much accepted the fact that adult life would probably never happen for you, that you wouldn’t make it to college without a fatal breakdown, that… that you didn’t have to stress about Later because all you could rely on having was Now.
Is that a bargaining piece? Okay.
< Maybe the fairies will make us all one person if we ask Them nicely, > says Lilly. Fuck. You didn’t even notice she was paying any attention.
Lilly romanticises integration. She’s one of two child alters in system, and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s hard, immensely hard, to integrate. She thinks about it like it’s just as easy as snapping the fingers, despite multiple attempts by multiple other alters to convince her otherwise. Most of you have pretty much accepted that it’s part of who she is. (The only one who hasn’t is Alexander, but that’s a story for another time.)
< The fairies always want something in return, Lils. >
< Fairies? > Alexander takes an interest. Yes, fairies. There are fairies here. No, we aren’t going to fuck with Them. Because we Just Aren’t.
< Let’s trade our constant crushing feeling of existential doom for the ability to handle trauma as one person. >
And that’s how you end up in the Shadow Place Behind The Dorms with everyone trying to front at once. It’s disorderly, to say the least. It’s also a terrible idea. Several of you collaborate and choose some words.
And then there’s general panic for a few seconds because one of you gets the idea that maybe you all left the salt and iron and other protective doodads behind, but someone makes the hands pat the pockets and yes, the salt is there, so is the iron, and oh, a fig newton bar that you forgot to eat earlier today. So the words tumble out of the mouth.
“We request an audience, s– our regrets if we’re messing this up somehow.”
You almost say sorry.
Something shifts. There’s no sparkles, and Lilly is disappointed. She also romanticises fairies. She romanticises everything.
But something shifts, and you can all suddenly tell you aren’t alone anymore.
The darkness speaks in a voice that sounds like… it sounds like trauma, which isn’t creepy in itself but it sounds like /your/ trauma, like kids fucking each other up in grade-school and teachers doing nothing, like blocks falling over for the last time before the popular kids just stopped letting you even start to build things, because they’d tired of knocking them over on you. It sounds like that kid on the bus who threw your homework out the window the one time you actually did it.
And it sounds like the principal suggesting that your parents take all of your books out of your room to get you to behave, which you weren’t supposed to hear, which sent you running out of the building, which fucked you up so bad because god books were (are) your escape and they’ve never hurt you and they never change. Both books and adults never change.
You shiver and imagine running, because if you do it for real, you know this will end badly.
“What do you propose to bargain?” the darkness asks.
“Doom. Our doom. For– for the ability to handle trauma, um, together. To integrate.”
The darkness whispers to itself like the other kids on the school camping trip when they shut you out of the tent. And then it replies,
“You should not attempt to trade away parts of yourself for an ability you already have, children.”
And then it dissipates. And even though you call it back you feel something weird together, like– it understands you, it could have accepted but it didn’t and it told you that you could do this–
“Wait! Please, I mean, I have a counter-proposal. Please.”
It reappears and takes a form, positioning itself about a foot away from your face. It looks like exclusion and like it’s about to call you annoying and say it doesn’t want to play with you.
“You have– our name. Everyone does. And we need it back.”
Your trauma looks at you and falters and you choke on a sob.
“You want me to give you your Self back?”
Saying yes would be… a bad idea. You won’t let it dictate the terms.
“I have come to reclaim my identity, because it is mine, and–”
“I cannot. That power is not mine.”
You sob, and reach out to it. It recoils. Even your trauma can’t stand you.
And suddenly you understand. And it sees you understand. It doesn’t leave, doesn’t give in, just disintegrates and attaches itself to you in the form of a chain that ends at a weight between your feet.
You have to find a real fairy; your trauma isn’t a fairy, was only personified by one of Them.
“We humbly request an audience,” you say shakily together into the dark. Your trauma’s chains are iron, but the gentry have your WholeName and you need it back.
Something(s) traipse out from the cracks between bricks, bright, purple, shiny in a way that makes Lilly mentally bounce. And Alexander mentally rolls his eyes.
They have your WholeName and you need to recover to succeed here but you can’t do it while you’re here but you can’t do it away from here because if you don’t have these memories, it won’t work.
“I propose a trade. The useless name you posses, and in return I become a professor when I graduate.”
The purple things rumble back,
“What do you need with the Name if it is unusable?”
You can’t lie. If you lie, They will know.
“I’m not comfortable answering that.”
It humours you. Or rather, it finds humour in you.
“What can you teach?”
You think for a moment.
“Books. I can teach books.”
It hesitates, and you take the fig newton out of your pocket.
“I also have this.”
It surges forwards, but stops before getting too close, probably because of the iron in your Self.
And so it goes. You get back the WholeName on the condition that you’ll stay here forever as a librarian. You drag the weight of your doom around with you (attached to the chain of your trauma) for the three and a half remaining years until you graduate, and once you do, you break the last link in the chain and toss your doom into Nowhere (you know oblivion, you breathe it in every second you spend dissociating). You walk into the library, where your doom will never find you. And you become the books. You know the books. You know yourself.
Trigger Warning: Alcoholism + Domestic Abuse + Violence This will contain spoilers for the movie so you’ve been warned
10:30pm Leigh’s House
the boys say when they were getting here?” Leigh questioned Kimberly as she
watched her press the ‘end call’ button on her phone and placing it down on the
coffee table in front of the television. “Jason said they’re on their way,
Zack wanted to stop for a couple of new books” Both girls looked at each other
for a minute and burst into laughter knowing her boyfriend was in fact lying
through his teeth. “So, they’re getting take-out and not willing to share.”
Leigh concluded while rummaging through the kitchen cabinets for the container
of instant coffee.
absolutely. We’ll be lucky to get the leftovers.” Kimberly called to her
stilling giggling as she let herself flop onto Leigh’s maroon leather couch that
looked like it could fall apart in a matter of seconds.
about Trini? She coming tonight? I managed to pick up her favourite ice-cream
this morning.” Leigh asked as she shifted around the large selection of mugs, mostly
ones that had yet to be cleaned since her mother didn’t bother to do it, she
was too busy drinking straight from the bottle. “Oh, Trini won’t be here, said
something about her mother dragging her to a family bowling night.” Kimberly
answered picking up the television remote and attempting to turn it on with no
Hey, I absolutely adore your writing and I have read all of your fics multiple times. I would just love if you could tell me what are some of your favourite Malec fanfics? So basically if you could do a rec list of sorts. Thank you and once again you are very talented hope to see more from your Malec wedding planner au fic.
ok but this is so nice tho?? also i’m working on the au i promise, i promise. i finally posted the lightwood family dinner scene i’ve been futzing around with for way too long and the next part is where the malec starts to pick up so i can’t wait tbh!!
but more importantly, recs! so i read an enormous amount of malec fic and i always mean to do a rec post but then i.. don’t. i’m sure i’m leaving out some that i’m going to kick myself for later but this has already taken way too long, so here are some of my faves (these are my own thoughts/non-official descriptions for these fics, so if any author wants me to remove theirs, just let me know!):
Magnus Bane’s School for Young Warlocks(WIP - Part 21/30) - single dad!alec meets teacher!magnus au set in the shadow world. this is one that gets rec’d a lot, but there is a reason for that because it is fantastic. single dad!alec is such a weak spot for me and insomiak writes him so well
Strange Love - fake dating mundane au. mutual pining kills me and this fic does it really well. super cute and frustrating to no end
Never Stand Between Two Mirrors - canon!alec meets alt!alec au. i am such a sucker for this trope, and oncethrown’s characterizations are always the best. you will love every character you already love a little bit more after reading this fic
Blue(WIP - Part 8/?) - dom/sub au set in the shadow world. aaaaand yet another trope i’m hopeless against, but this story starts off really strong and well-written so i’m excited for it to be continued
Counting Lies - heroes/villains au? i don’t even know how to describe this fic except to say that you should give it a shot. it’s a wild ride from start to finish and leaves you with a ton of questions about the world you just stepped into (in a good way)
We Face the World - future canon!verse. despite the fact that this 5+1 style fic deals heavily with homophobia, it’s also a really sweet look into the lightwood-bane family
Guide Me (To You) - blind!magnus meets cursed mute!alec au set in the shadow world. this is such a cute story? the premise of alec’s situation is a little odd, but it has a great payoff at the end of the story
spend the days dreaming and the nights awake - canon!verse magnus and simon roommate shenanigans. this one is kind of more gen with a heavy focus on simon but it is soooo perfect (and there’s background malec and simon/alec interaction that’s golden tbh)
White Wine and Lamp Posts - canon!verse. this one’s very gen but i still want to include it bc it’s just some really cute alec and clary friendship in a way that feels like it fits with their canon relationship so far
+ some smut:
can’t take my eyes off of you - kinks: masturbation, voyeurism. alec gets bored and impatient waiting for magnus and starts without him and then magnus watches him finish, a++
coax the coals - kinks: figging. oh man… did not know what figging was and did not think I would enjoy this from the description, but boy was I wrong. wow
Everything Golden - kinks: sex pollen. this fic deals with issues of consent since it’s a drugged, ‘fuck or die’ scenario, but if you’re a fan of the sex pollen trope, this fic does it really well and in a way that definitely has angst but with a generally happy ending to balance it out
don’t take it easy - kinks: edging. !!!!!!!!!!!!! this is my favorite malec smut ever. there are no words
lunch today was a quick (wholemeal) pasta salad made of corn, kidney beans, tomato, basil, parsley, pepper and chili pepper, evo oil and hemp seeds while my family had my grandmom’s heavy lasagna ahahah. as usual, when my grandmom visit me, she brought me loads of fruit and fresh figs that when i saw them i almost screamed oh lord i lovE FIGS O K A Y; maybe i’ll eat some fruit for dinner since i have a cravinggg, but i have to wait the end of Roma vs Juve, italian football match for excellence (we cheer for Roma!!). now Onika is sleeping, again, and i’m gonna show you some pictures of her afternoon nap x)
I hiiighly doubt anything like this would happen in OP because Dragon is definitely not to the type to step down with work half done, but seeing talk of the Hamilton AU while listening to the track… my angst-loving heart automatically thought of Dragon and Sabo and One Last Time and now I'm ouching. It just… mainly makes me think that Dragon isn't going to step down, and should he die, won't get to… "sit under his own vine and fig tree."
oh shit yeh….that one never rlly made me think of them just because yeah, i can’t imagine dragon ever retiring lol. i can absolutely imagine him dying and sabo being forced to take over tho and that just makes me sad, rip. especially because it’s one of the few theoretical one piece deaths that i can actually see happening.