oh and my first offical one

’’When I first met Vanity I didn’t know who she was and was unaware of her work. First time I met her was at the Tri-Star office in NY, we were both nice and cordial to each other and that was it. Somehow after a day of shooting we ended up sharing a taxi. During the ride we talked about acting and I told her Robert De Niro was one of my favorite actors to which she replied that she had gone out with him. “You went out with Robert De Niro!” I said, “Oh yea, and he was a bore” she replied. “We went out to dinner and he didn’t say a word all night. Then after that he kept calling and I wouldn’t answer”. I couldn’t believe it! So when we did the scene where I was suppose to be star struck by Laura Charles I used that as my motivation. That THIS was the lady who went out with Robert De Niro! She was a wonderful lady, here she is with my sister on set.’’
Glen Eaton (Johnny Yu)

finally saw wonder woman

and it was great, but boy oh boy do I have my gripes. I haven’t really seen anyone bitching about any of these, though, which is odd, because I can’t be the only one. Keep in mind that I like the movie and I would see it again. I’m not trying to diss anyone’s favorite film, particularly the first woman-lead (and directed!) big-studio superhero film. I recognize the importance of Wonder Woman as a female-led box office success, and I will heap praises on it on other posts. This one is for critiquing, so here’s the things I want to bitch about:

-they fridged General Antiope. Granted, Diana isn’t a man, so at least it lacked the gendered manpain dynamic, but the plot would not have changed at all if she had lived. Meaning it was a completely unnecessary lesbian death (assuming, as I’m pretty sure is canon, that the distraught Amazon running to Antiope’s side after her death was her girlfriend).

- 95% of the movie was full of the born sexy yesterday trope. If you haven’t seen the video explaining it, go watch it now, but the basic rundown is that for some sci-fi or fantasy reason, there is an incredibly beautiful and sexy woman who is also completely naive about everything, and the friendly helpful man (first man she’s ever seen!) gets to show her How the World Works. Wonder Woman certainly isn’t the grossest example, but boy howdy was it full of it. It made for some cute/funny moments, but it came at the expense of my respect for Diana as a character (seriously, she’s unable to notice that she’s acting strange for the entire time they’re in London, it’s like she’s completely incapable of observation or listening). The prevalence of the Born Sexy Yesterday trope is probably my #1 least favorite thing about the movie.

- For all her idealism about humans being 100% good and her surprise at the pain and suffering caused by war, Diana sure gives zero shits about killing a bunch of soldiers. Killing people should have had more of an impact on her as a character. 

- also, her naivety about how people can be bad sometimes was unrealistic. Either they needed to spend MUCH more time building up the idea that she literally thinks all humans are good 100% of the time unless they’re under some evil influence, OR she should have shed that idea much quicker. I mean, she yells at the British generals for sacrificing soldiers near the start of the movie, so she knows that humans are capable of bad things while not being “influenced by Ares”. Yet somehow, the idea that the soldiers just might keep fighting after she kills Ares never even enters her head, to the point where she’s willing to blow the whole operation- risking thousands of lives- so she can kill Ares. Her belief in utter human goodness could have been interesting, but they needed to play it up much more, like let her have a conversation with Steve where he tells her that humans do bad things all on their own, and she utterly refuses to believe him, or tries to excuse literally every crime/bad act by blaming Ares or something. That would have made her later actions make much more sense. Her continued naivety and lack of basic observational skills made it really hard for me to relate to her as a character, because I was spending too much time being exasperated with her. 

- also, Steve had way to big a role, and was too much the hero, for a movie that’s not supposed to be about him. He’s the one who saved the entirety of London- if Diana had done nothing, London still would have been saved, but if Steve had done nothing, London would be destroyed. Steve orchestrated and planned the mission, got together the ragtag crew of misfits, and directed their goals at every turn, bringing Diana along for firepower. 

Throughout the movie, there was too much Steve and too little Diana. His agency was what directed the plot. Diana’s agency was “I want to stab this dude, steve take me to the dude”. It would have been totally awesome if Diana had planned the attack on the base (whether to destroy the gas or kill Ares, or whatever), and if Diana had assembled the ragtag team of misfits. It should have been Diana gathering information about the current situation with the war and deciding their goal and drawing up their plan of attack. Steve should have been the one offering her information and pointing out when her lack of knowledge about the 20th century causes her to make dumb plans. It should have been her saying “I don’t fit in with these people, Steve show me where I can get clothes like theirs”. Even her big awesome moment- crossing no man’s land- didn’t change the plot that much. If she hadn’t done that, the group would still have crossed, just much more slowly and less dramatically, and it would have taken a few days. 

-General Antiope’s lessons were apparently 100% combat, 0% tactics and strategy. Steve came up with all the plans of attack, and Diana was basically “I have a plan, attack!” Which basically meant that it was Steve and Steve’s sidekicks completing the Big Mission, and Diana was, as I said, really kickass firepower.

-for a movie that’s ostensibly all about how there’s no one big bad guy in a war, it sure managed to have one big bad guy.

- also, I wish they’d let the female villain be the villain. Instead of General Lutendorf or whatever his name was. The stereotypical thing where he’s the volatile threatening man with the awkward semi-sexual, definitely threatening dynamic with the woman who is definitely evil, but it just kinda seems like maybe he’s made her worse than she is and maybe she’s only doing evil stuff at his command…. it was just annoying and old. Let the woman be the fucking villain. Let her be the one making the threats to him, let her be the one to decide that the war is NOT over and kill the generals arguing for peace. Let her be the big fucking evil. I get that they needed a red herring for Ares, and it had to be a guy, but Dr. Poison could still have been the main villain. 

If Dr. Poison were the big bad (of the German side, at least), I think it would have made Diana’s sparing her life that much more meaningful. The movie made Lutendorf the driving force behind the development of the gas, meaning that with Lutendorf gone, Dr. Poison is much less of a threat. That might not be literally true- she could always go off and start making more gas- but, within the plot framework, the villain with the agency to Do the Bad Thing is already gone, so letting Dr. Poison go isn’t really that big a deal. Imagine if Diana had let Lutendorf go. Big difference. 

The moment where Diana refuses to kill her is the Big Moment of the movie, where Diana realizes that yes, humans do bad things of their own volition, but that she’s going to try to save them anyway. As the movie was, she realizes that and refuses to kill what is essentially a tool that the villain used to hurt people. The emotional impact would have been so much more if it were the villain herself- the driving agency behind the villain’s half of the plot- whom Diana decided to save anyway. For an example of this dynamic done right, look at Legend of Korra. Kuvira is the driving force behind all the Bad Shit in season 4- it’s her decisions, her force of will, that does everything Korra’s fighting against. Bataar, her husband, is important to her plans, and is an important male villain, but without him, Kuvira would have done the same things anyway (WW implies that without Lutendorf, Dr. Poison might not have developed that gas). At the end, Korra decides not to kill Kuvira. She chooses to see the part of Kuvira worth saving, and to save her anyway, despite all of the lives she’s taken and destroyed. Diana’s moment would have had similar impact if Dr. Poison had been the big bad in Lutendorf’s place.

- Hippolyta was unrealistically stupid and overprotective. She knows that her daughter is a weapon meant to kill Ares. She knows that Ares will return/has returned. She knows that, at some point, Ares and Diana will fight. And yet, she refuses to tell Diana these things, even when Diana leaves the fucking island to literally find and kill Ares. She also makes it clear that Diana can’t return (why though?) meaning it’s literally her last chance to say anything, and yet she still doesn’t give her this extremely vital information that could possibly save her life. Her reasoning is that if Diana knows, Ares will find her sooner. So basically, her reasoning is, “don’t tell her this extremely vital information, without which it is reasonable to expect that she will lose the fight and die, because if I tell her and thus give her the tools to win the fight, the fight will happen sooner”. She’s going to fight Ares anyway, so just fucking tell her! (also, her literal last words to her daughter are “you are my greatest sorrow”. fucking ouch.)

-also, the romantic subplot seemed contrived and unnecessary (my opinion, your mileage may vary). Seriously, she’s known him for like 2 days, and she just had her aunt and mentor die in her arms, and she’s left her entire home and family forever, and she’s trying to complete a task she’s trained for all her life and save the world, with literally millions of lives depending on her. You’d think she wouldn’t really have the mental space for a romance.

-less of an egregious error, but still a gripe: at the beginning of the movie, Diana seems to consider people in terms of their value in a fight. I forget what line it is, but at one point she’s like “but how do they fight?” (I think it’s talking about the drunk men or something). Also, when Charlie is involved in the bar fight, she says “at least Charlie is good with his fists”, meaning that his redeeming factor is his fighting skills (before finding out, of course, that that guy isn’t Charlie). Later on, she has that truly beautiful moment- that I’ve seen a lot of people praise- where Charlie suggests that he stay behind because he can’t shoot, and Diana says “but who would sing for us?” showing that she believes that people’s non-fighting skills are just as valuable. I don’t think there was enough of a character journey presented on screen to justify that change of attitude in Diana. The potential for a really great character arc is there- especially since it would parallel her whole arc of losing her naivety about human nature- but it just wasn’t there. 

To me, the movie felt like a hero story about Steve, told from Diana’s perspective, with a side dose of her completing her (ultimately mostly inconsequential) goal, and liberally sprinkled with scenes where she’s naive about the world in a funny way and Steve long-sufferingly herds her along, and scenes where she is the ultimate badass, says something dramatic, and then flips a fucking tank (which was AWESOME btw). 

Also, I think it would have been better if they’d let her actually kill Ares. I know she killed him, but I mean, really kill him. She did this classic thing where the hero takes the villains power and throws it back at him, which accomplishes two things: the death is not visceral: she didn’t shoot or stab him, hit him, or in any way damage his body in a traditional fight-y way, and two, it wasn’t really her lethal force and ability that killed him. It’s a thing storytellers use to keep their hero one step removed from the nasty business of killing. Harry Potter is another prime example- Harry doesn’t cast the killing curse at Voldemort, or sectumsempra, or whatever (despite being more than capable), he deflect’s voldemort’s own curse back at him. Disney does this a lot (the villain being the ultimate cause of their own death): Scar being killed by his own hyenas instead of Simba killing him, Frollo falls to his death from his own cathedral into a fire set by his own men, Gaston falls off the roof trying to kill the Beast, blah blah blah. This whole trope (does it have a name yet?) means that yes, technically the hero killed the villain, but the actual thing that does the killing (usually in a way such that the audience doesn’t really see the death) is the villains’ own fault, not the hero’s. Part of the purpose is that usually these deaths come right after some sort of dramatic confrontation, which includes a conversation, and killing someone right after talking to them really looks a lot like cold-blooded murder, no matter how righteous you are, so it looks a lot more heroic if the villain strikes the final blow against themselves.

I think that Diana should have beat the ever-living hell out of Ares with her fists. Only a god is capable of killing a god, and I think she should have killed him with her own power, not by parry-riposting his power back at him. If they were willing to go R-rated, she could have torn his head off (how awesome would that be?). If they wanted to keep it PG-13, and didn’t want her to basically punch him to death, she could have done some sort of ass-pull big-explosion-y strike thingy (no more ass-pull than the crossed bracers + righteous fury = Lightning Rod of Doom). Whatever it is, it should have been Diana’s own power destroying Ares. Also, I think (personal opinion) that after Ares died, we should have just seen his body lying there on the ground instead of the big crater. Right after Diana kills Ares, there’s a scene where the German soldiers pull off their masks and fall down in relief, enemies embracing, etc. It’s supposed to be an incredibly human moment, and I think it would have been improved by having a very human body of Diana’s fallen enemy instead of the hollywood-esque CGI crater. It would have emphasized Diana’s emotional journey, too- instead of cheering because she destroyed a Force of Evil, we would have been forced to recognize that Diana killed someone, and, even though it needed to be done, and she was saving lives by doing it, a life was still ended. A bittersweet moment- Diana recognizes that people can be both good and bad at the same time, and chooses to recognize the good in everyone, spare the life of a very bad person despite her bad-ness, and chooses to believe in love- but, that means killing another being, meaning that Diana, too, is capable of both good and bad- she also has darkness within her. It would have been a very poignant point. (I have a similar gripe with the 8th Harry Potter film- in the book, Voldemort’s body just lies there after he dies, and it’s made clear just how human he was in the end, but in the movie, he disintegrates like some sort of magical video game boss).

Basically, I think the movie undermined its own message by keeping Diana too far from the realities of war and keeping her in a zone of Fantasy Hollywood, where as long as you don’t spend too long looking at the people she punches, it doesn’t matter that she’s killed them (and thus literally killing people for the first time ever has zero affect on her as a character), you can defeat one bad guy and therefore the war is over (despite trying to prove that that isn’t how it works, the movie still worked exactly that way), and the villain isn’t really a person who dies and sits there all gross and dead like a human, they’re just a video-game boss proxy-of-all-evil who vanishes when they die (preferably with an explosion), and just in case, it wasn’t really the hero who killed them anyway, since the villain struck their own final blow. 

You know that moment in the trenches, where Steve tells Diana that they can’t save everyone? And Diana says “fuck that” and crosses No Man’s Land and it’s awesome? There should have been a moment later in the movie where Diana realizes that she really can’t save everyone, even if she does everything 100% right, people will still die. The moment with the gas killing the village doesn’t count, because Diana still believes that if she had stabbed Ares, they wouldn’t have died. There should have been a moment where Diana looks back and realizes that she didn’t make any mistakes, she did literally everything she could have done, everything she should have done, and innocent people still died. That would have been a great character moment.

-One thing I can’t tell if I’m happy or sad about: no “you’re a wonderful woman” or any “wonder woman” title play/pun. Either a missed opportunity, or a merciful omission.

-not really Wonder-Woman specific, since literally all movies forever do this: since when has the super fucking sinister “join me and together we can rule a world that is literally the antithesis of everything you’ve worked for your entire life” villain speech ever worked? How stupid are villains? You sound threatening and ominous, and you’re not even trying to play down the fact that you’re asking me to commit mass murder, also I hate you for personal reasons (usually involving the death of a loved one), of course the fucking answer is no.

So them’s my gripes about Wonder Woman. I did like it though! It was much better than most other superhero movies- I could write much, much longer posts about, say, Avengers, or any of Nolan’s Batman films… I only bitch this much about Wonder Woman because I loved the film and therefore the parts I didn’t like bothered me that much more. Brief list of the parts I did like:

-flipping a fucking tank

-ok, just all the action scenes

-Diana’s fuck you, I’m crossing No Man’s Land

-the way the movie managed to make “I believe in love” and “I believe that love can save the world” actually make sense and not sound stupidly cheesy

- the muscles on the Amazons

-a visibly middle-aged woman in a badass, sexy outfit kicking ass

-ZERO shots of Diana or ANY Amazons designed to show off their asses, boobs, or any other body parts for the male gaze. Yeah, I can gripe about the costumes, but it’s such a minor fucking gripe and part of it being so minor was that the costumes were not in any way a tool for the male gaze. Yay!

-the fight choreography. I thought I’d be quietly burying my annoyance at all the flips and twirls, but that wasn’t really the case. It really fit with who the Amazons were and the world they come from. I have a lot of thoughts about this, actually, but i’ll put that in a different post. Also, it looked really fucking cool.

Humans are weird

Ok, getting on the humans are weird bandwagon….

It surprises me that we haven’t talked about the most obvious thing: humans imagine things. Humans outright make shit up. (Like these posts?) Human stories often aren’t retellings of things that actually happened. Art often isn’t a depiction of true events. Humans - for want of a better word - humans sublimate. They transform their experiences into outlandish non-reality for each others’ amusement.

It takes forever for first contact to start because the aliens planning it keep getting confused by first radio, then television. Some of these depictions can’t be possible - but which ones? The first time War of the Worlds reaches the Kuiper belt, someone panics and has to double check that a more aggressive group hasn’t actually invaded.

After humans are finally integrated into galactic culture, some issues crop up.

“Did you clean the waste facility?” the Janitorial Supervisor asks.

“Well, I would have,” the human starts, then proceeds to tell an outrageous story about a cleaning bot with a knife strapped to its back which has the entire crew searching the ship for hours. The entire crew except for the humans.

The Captain finds the humans “searching” the self-poisoning cabinet in one of the crew quarters.

“Oh my god,” the First Officer says, on seeing the Captain’s dust-speckled upper ears. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you really fell for that. Stabby is a cryptid, Harold!”

The Captain’s name is not Harold, but that is another, even longer story.

The Captain exhales. “What is a cryptid?”

The assistant medical officer sits up straighter, his drink sloshing dangerously. The Captain has learned what “a gleam in his eye” means and how to detect it. They sit, resigned. There’s no escaping now.

An hour later, the Captain explains the concept of cryptids in considerably less detail to the embarrassed and confused Supervisor. Along with the concept of lying.

“But how do you know the difference?” the Supervisor asks, wringing their tentacles in mixed embarrassment and worry.

“Find another human,” the Captain advises. “Check for signs of mirth.”

This turns out to be prescient, because on their next planetary stop, two of the human field officers come running back into the base camp, out of breath and without the rest of their scouting team.

“Nasty buggers with teeth!” one gasps. Though the other officers appear skeptical, the Captain glances at the First Officer, who is already setting down her meal and grabbing her favorite flamethrower. The assistant medical officer yanks his kit straps over his shoulders, face grim.

“Arm yourselves,” the Captain tells the rest.

It takes about four hours, but they get everyone back more or less intact. The humans change the sign in the rec room on the ship to read: “Us: 6, Them: 0″. There is a ritual raising of liquor-filled glasses, even by the injured who are forbidden self-poisoning. The Captain begins temporary hibernation very relieved that humans are so willing to count other species as “us”.

When they ask the First Officer about it two cycles later, the First Officer looks confused, then knowing.

“My great grandmother remembers when you first showed up. They picked your people for first contact for a reason, didn’t they?”

“We look the most like you.”

“Yeah, well, that was a bad call. Gran says humans debated for months whether or not you were just other humans with good prosthetic makeup.”

The Captain blinks at this. “Most peoples are shocked and upset to learn the rest of the sentient universe does not share their appearance. Wait.” They pause. “Is that why we had so many applicants for the Janitorial position?”

The First Officer ignores that, as she usually does when the Captain doesn’t really want to know the answer.

“Do you know why cryptids exist? Why horror and violence and monsters exist in our stories?” she asks instead.

The Captain twitches both sets of ears ‘no’. “It seems unnecessary to frighten yourselves over things that don’t exist.”

“But nasty buggers with teeth do exist, even if we haven’t met them yet,” she says grimly. “And we were ready, weren’t we?”

It’s true. The humans on board have been terrifyingly adaptable, even in their violence.

The Captain feels their way carefully. “You think about things that don’t exist… sometimes even things that distress and terrify you… so that you can be ready when you face real things that distress and terrify you?”

“See, this is why you’re the Captain, Harold.” The First Officer slaps their shoulder hump cheerfully, careful to avoid the spines. “And better yet, we share the things we imagine with each other. It’s like a mental vaccine.”

“And it works?”

“Eh, sometimes. It’s not perfect. Sometimes we don’t mark our vaccines properly, or don’t realize we’re adding things we didn’t mean to. Some of them have a bad effect on some people, for various reasons. But we joined the galactic community in less than a generation. Has any other species ever done that?”

“You imagined us before you met us.”

“Now you’re getting it.”

The Wise Men of the World quoting Astrology
  • Albert Einstein: “Astrology is a science in itself and contains an illuminating body of knowledge. It taught me many things and I am greatly indebted to it.”
  • Isaac Newton: (said in defence of astrology, to sceptic Edmund Halley)“I have studied the matter. You sir, have not”.
  • Benjamin Franklin: “Oh the wonderful knowledge to be found in the stars. Even the smallest things are written there…if you had but skill to read.”
  • President Theodore Roosevelt: he kept his horoscope mounted on a chess board in the oval office. When asked about it he would reply... “I always keep my weather eye on the opposition of my seventh house Moon to my first house Mars.”
  • JP Morgan, America’s first billionaire: “Millionaires don’t use astrology, Billionaires do.”
  • Plato: “Perhaps there is a pattern set up in the heavens for one who desires to see it, and having seen it, to find one in himself.”
  • Donald Reagan, formerly Ronald Reagan’s Chief of Staff said: “It’s common knowledge that a large percentage of Wall Street brokers use astrology.”
  • Ralph Waldo Emerson said : “Astrology is astronomy brought down to earth and applied toward the affairs of man.”
  • Sir Francis Bacon, the father of modern science: “The natures and dispositions of men are, not without truth, distinguished from the predominance of the planets.”
  • Shakespeare: he said in the person of King Lear... "The stars above govern our condition." He follows that with "I was born sir, when the crab was ascending, all my affairs go backwards."
  • Von Goethe: wrote an astrological description of his birth...”These auspicious aspects, which the astrologers subsequently interpreted for me, may have been the causes of my preservation.”
  • Dr. Carl Jung: “Astrology is assured recognition from psychology without further restrictions, because astrology represents the summation of all the knowledge of antiquity. The fact that it is possible to construct, in adequate fashion, a person’s character from the data of his nativity, shows the validity of astrology.”

Guess who got a tablet for christmas? *waggles eyebrows* I still have a long way to go before I can be considered proficient at using it, but I’ll get there. I’m looking forward to making the most of the ‘dead’ time during my commutes to and from the office!


The Witch and the Demon

just a few things i want to get out of the way

reigen is a vampire and he’s the one who started the whole organization where this story takes place in. 

mob is called mob in this au and his full name isn’t disclosed all throughout because he’s a demon. a demon giving someone their full name is like giving them their soul. mob is half human/half demon. he and ritsu are not blood related.

teru doesn’t really hate humans. he just doesn’t want one as a partner. they’re just?? so frail??? they break their bones so easily??? teru can’t relate. teru cut his hair at one point to get mob out of a witch’s curse.

Keep reading

You know i love the idea of karma and nagisa starting a relationship when they were still in highschool but you know whats better? Them just starting a relationship WHEN THEY’RE OLDER:

  • Nagisa having a crush on Karma when they were still in highschool but wasn’t able to tell him, fastforward to 8 years in the middle of the year, his students are all asking “do you have anyone you like” and “who was your first love?” Types of questions
  • Him answering “well there was this one person in my class–” and the class is so intrigued by the story but it ends in a so half-assed tway hat they ended up saying NO THAT CANT BE THE ENDING” and basically scolding their teacher to man up and that he really missed his chance
  • Or Karma is the one who had a crush on Nagisa but again DIDNT TELL HIM cause he thought it would just trouble nagisa and he didn’t want that.
  • His office mates keep asking why he doesn’t have a girlfriend or wife despite his looks and job and he’ll just answer with “sorry im only interested on a person who is willing to hijack a space-shuttle and terrorize highly trained astronaut with me to save a mutant octopus” and of course they think he’s joking
  • They started setting him up with random girls but it doesnt work out so they start asking him what type of person he’s looking for and he just sTARTED DESCRIBING NAGISA and they’re just like “wow man thats really specific” and he just replies with “its just a list of things im attracted to”
  • Both of them just saying to them selves “they’re over it” but t h e y  a r e n o t and they’re completely in denial
  • OR just them not realizing ANYTHING AT ALL in their high school years, cause they never fell in love before and they just keep saying this is a “normal feeling that b r o s share” and the whole class E just watches them in pain
  • “So who’s going to tell them?”
  • They then try hinting at them multiple times and then they realize this will never ever work
  • “they’re geniuses when it comes to assassination but complete idiots when it comes to their own feelings” AND THIS LITERALLY GOES ON FOREVER
  • After so many years they meet each other again at a certain shop for the first time and it became a routine for them that visit the shop and they basically starts hanging out like they used to
  • Both of them falling in love all over again with each other but they don’t realize it again and there’s this nagging feeling of “they should say something”
  • Them being like “oh shit oH SHIT” after the dawning realization of their feelings
  • Both of them realizing they actually fell in love with each other since junior high
  • Having this awkward tension between them that they felt like they were back in school until one of them breaks it and a literal RELIEF for both of them
  • But they still were’t a hundred percent sure so it ended up with Karma courting nagisa LIKE A HIGHSCHOOLER
  • Nagisa-sensei receiving flowers and chocolates randomly and students keep asking questions about where its from
  • Especially on valentines day, everyone in the faculty gave him a rose on the way to his desk and to his surprise (and embarrassment) his whole desk is covered with petals and a chocolate cake in the middle
  • Getting random embarrassing text from karma in the middle of class as a joke
  • Karma waiting in front of the school and the students keep asking who’s the handsome guy with a suitcase upfront until nagisa walks over to him and drags him out and they’ll all be like “O”
  • Karma greeting Nagisa good morning and goodnight every single da y on text
  • Both of them texting each other when they have a bad day and they just surprise each other at their own apartment bringing them their favorite food
  • Karma trying to stay serious and cool but when nagisa texts him he Becomes REALLY GIDDY AND COULDNT STOP SMILING
  • When Nagisa visits him in the office for the first time all of karma’s office mates are like “OH MY GOD THEY EXIST”
  • The whole building instantly welcomed nagisa
  • THEY ENDED UP CREATING JOKES LIKE “the gods have answered” and “koro-sensei is so proud”
Tree Bros Oneshot: Evan’s Birthday

AN: hey everyone! this is my first deh oneshot, so i hope you enjoy. 

July 10: Connor and Evan have been dating for a few months now, and today is Evan’s birthday. Connor has no idea what to get him, so he seeks help from his sister Zoe and Evan’s other friend Jared. Unfortunately, they’re as clueless as he is. 

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,123

“I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!” Connor panicked, pacing back and forth in his bedroom.

It was currently noon, and Connor had planned to pick up Evan for a little birthday date at four, but there was one problem. He didn’t have a present. 

“Dude, calm down. Just get him like a plant or something. He likes trees, right?” Jared sat in Connor’s office chair, spinning in circles and acting calmer than the Murphy boy. 

“Why don’t you buy him a Keurig? Everyone loves Keurigs,” Zoe chimed in. She was sprawled out on Connor’s bed with her head hanging upside down off the side. 

Keep reading

feel free to adjust sentences to make it fit your muse better!

  • ❛ I never told you, but I was married once before. ❜
  • ❛ It was just a drunken Vegas thing. ❜
  • ❛ What’s her name and social security number? ❜
  • ❛ No, you’re not gonna kill her. ❜
  • ❛ If you don’t like them we can take them back. ❜
  • ❛ Happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet. ❜
  • ❛ The new curtains are hideous. ❜
  • ❛ Your aim’s as bad as your cooking sweetheart… and that’s saying something! ❜
  • ❛ Wait, why do I get the girl gun? ❜
  • ❛ You gotta take this bitch out! ❜
  • ❛ Don’t tell me how to handle my wife. ❜
  • ❛ It was just my cover, sweetheart. ❜
  • ❛ My parents died when I was five. I’m an orphan. ❜
  • ❛ That’s the second time you’ve tried to kill me today. ❜
  • ❛ Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb. ❜
  • ❛ Ask us the sex question. ❜
  • ❛ Still alive, baby? ❜
  • ❛ You obviously want me dead, and I’m less and less concerned for your well-being. ❜
  • ❛ Hey baby. I didn’t hear you downstairs. ❜
  • ❛ These fuckers get younger every year. ❜
  • ❛ I can’t believe I brought my real parents to our wedding. ❜
  • ❛ I guess that’s what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning. ❜
  • ❛ Chicken shit! ❜
  • ❛ Pussy! ❜
  • ❛ Come to Daddy. ❜
  • ❛ Who’s your Daddy now? ❜
  • ❛ Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch. ❜
  • ❛ Come on, let’s talk about this! You don’t want to go to bed angry! ❜
  • ❛ I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey. ❜
  • ❛ You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It’s the first thing you learn! ❜
  • ❛ Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy. ❜
  • ❛ Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. ❜
  • ❛ Option B: You don’t talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. ❜
  • ❛ Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is… you die. ❜
  • ❛ You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl? ❜
  • ❛ There’s this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don’t say to each other. What’s that called?  ❜
  • ❛ I have a theory, newly developed. ❜
  • ❛ I think you killed us. ❜
  • ❛ Why do you care? I was just a cover. ❜
  • ❛ It’s called evasive driving, sweetheart! ❜
  • ❛ I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major. ❜
  • ❛ Maybe it’s not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage — sends a mixed message. ❜
  • ❛ Baby, you couldn’t find the button with both hands and a map. ❜
  • ❛ you really expect me to roll over and play dead? ❜
  • ❛ Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage. ❜
  • ❛ We should so not be allowed to buy these. ❜
  • ❛ Tempting but I don’t get out of bed for less than half a million dollars. ❜
  • ❛ We’re going to have to re-do every conversation we’ve ever had. ❜
  • ❛ Have you been selling big guns to bad people? ❜
First Meeting prompts

1) “Everyone – hands in the air!” The bank robber burst into the building, only to discover that a hold-up was already happening.

2) “What happened last night? Where am I?” Why are you, gorgeous but utterly unfamiliar, bringing me breakfast in bed?
“You don’t remember?”
“That’s not reassuring me.”

3) “Hi. Officer Black.” They held up a fake ID badge. “I’m looking into the disappearances that have been happening in this area recently. May I ask you a few questions?”
The actual investigator stared at them.

4) “Oh my god – it’s you. You’re the one I’ve been hearing!”
“What?” Completely bewildered.

5) Coincidentally, we have the same surname and accidentally both booked the same honeymoon suite. I’m not willing to lose the best room in the hotel or admit that I booked a honeymoon suite single precisely because it was the best room. Look at that Jacuzzi! All of the other rooms are taken anyway. Turns out, you’re travelling alone too. Everyone now thinks we’re newly beds and, frankly, I’m not giving the gift basket back so I guess we’re married for a week.

6) “You have a kitten in your bag.”
The NO PETS ON THE BEACH sign loomed behind them.
“Say that a bit louder, will you?”
“Your cat likes the beach?”
“She gets separation anxiety.”
It was hopeless, it was love. Black hair and blue eyes and peeking out entirely too pleased with itself among a towel.
“Either sit down or stop staring, you’re going to blow our cover.”

7) “You know the library is closed, right?” the stranger broke the silence.
They looked the stranger; dressed in pyjamas and clutching a kitkat from the vending machine. They raised their brows. The stranger didn’t even blush at the sheer hypocrisy of the comment.

8) “You’re in my spot.” They had been coming to the roof every evening for three years, and nobody else had ever been there and – oh god, the stranger was crying.

9) “I’m your soulmate, from the future.”

“Then future me as horrible taste, keep walking.”
“…wow. Future you was right, you really did used to be a prick.”

10) When you save somebody’s life, it always seems that a fragment of their future belongs to you. They wouldn’t have had it if it wasn’t for the few heartbeats of your acquaintance. You disagree with this notion quite violently.

Now You Do

2,500 Followers Drabble

Prompt: “Why does my mom think you’re pregnant?”

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Requested by: @avasmommy224

“No. No. No.” Jensen’s breathing becomes heavy and ragged as his hands begin to shake. He squints his eyes rereading the panic inducing text on his iPhone. This can’t be happening to him.

Abandoning any and all sense of calm, Jensen flies out of his place and bolts down three flights of stairs to your door. Thank fucking god you both live in the same apartment building. There’s absolutely no way he’d be able to operate a motor vehicle right now.

Jensen strongly attempts to relax his body and mind, he needs to be smart about this. Maybe this is just a big fucking misunderstanding. Maybe his hope for the future isn’t shot to all hell. And maybe, just maybe his heart isn’t officially crushed beyond repair.

“Jensen? Hey…what’s up?” He suddenly freezes, registering that you’re now standing in front of him. How the hell did that happen? He doesn’t even remember knocking on your door. Shit.

Keep reading

The Diary

“What’s this?” you hear from behind you as Reid continues to go through the boxes you were currently unpacking. Moving in together had been an important and exciting decision after months of dating. So there you were, joining your lives together even more and making Reid’s apartment look like the home you had always imagined it would be. Turning around at his question, your eyes widen and you rush to where he’s standing, reaching for the object in his hands but the genius moved faster and put it behind his back, a smile growing on his face.

“Reid, give me that.” you warned as you tried to get the green, small, leathered book you didn’t hide properly. Your boyfriend, however, had other ideas. His back turned and he opens the journal, giggling immediately.

“Dear diary,” he reads. “we saved 6 lives today. Garcia wanted to celebrate so her, me, Morgan, Reid and Prentiss went out. A drunk Garcia is something I’ll never get tired of seeing, even when she pukes on Morgan’s shoes.” the memory elicits a laugh from the young man as he flips through the next pages.

“Reid, I’m serious. Give me that.” he was standing in the front of the room now, avoiding your protests and chuckling as he kept reading.

“November 9th, Rossi had the team over for dinner and taught me some new recipes. He doesn’t know that when he left me alone in the kitchen I almost set the house on fire, but I’m working on my skills.”

“If you don’t give me that I’ll set this house on fire, I’m not kidding.” your face had softened now, the anger slowly slipping out of you and embarrassment replacing it. He was going back and forth with the book and you had given up now, even joining him in laughter as he recounted many of your adventures and happiest moments.

“March 10th. I met someone.” Oh no. Your body froze and you sat up from your place on the couch, heading towards your boyfriend again but his height proved to be your disadvantage once more as he held the book high above you and continued reading. “This was the day you joined the team.”

“Spence, please.” he had wrapped his free arm around your waist while you still tried to get your book back.

“I met seven people, actually. I joined the BAU today and I don’t think I’ve ever been this frightened. The team leader, Agent Hotchner seems intimidating and extremely private, but when he smiles he seems like a warm presence to be around. I’ve been a fan of David Rossi for the longest time and getting to work with him sounds exciting. Agent Jareau is as pretty in real life as she is on television and Agent Prentiss exudes safety, like you know you’re in good hands with her. Agent Morgan is a flirt, I was a little surprised at his instant friendliness but it was a good surprise. The tech analyst, Penelope Garcia, is by far the coolest person I’ve ever met. I need to talk to her more. And then… there’s him.”

Reid turned to you with your favorite kind of smile of his. It was small, a faint movement of lips easily dismissed by anyone who wasn’t really looking, but carried with emotion in his eyes. You could swear someone had put the stars in them whenever you looked into them.

“Doctor Spencer Reid, hates handshakes and stares a little too long at people (or maybe that was just my imagination). He talks a lot and though the team drifted off into other tasks while so, I couldn’t help but listen to every word coming out of his lips. He has the kind of voice you just can’t stop listening to. Besides his impressive IQ, his doctorates and other skills, he’s incredibly handsome, the kind of handsome that leaves you speechless. I know I was. There’s something really special about him, not his looks or his intellectual, but something that draws you with force. He feels familiar, like I’ve known him all my life. He feels like home.”

Expecting another set of laughs from Reid, you were surprised to find him in silence, going through your words once more until his eyes fell back on you. There it was, the look on his face. Love. The look that made you feel like the luckiest person in the whole wide world. He pulled you in and crashed his lips into yours in a gentle yet passionate manner. It was like that with Reid, even the simplest and smallest moments and gestures were filled with an incredible amount of meaning and passion.

“I can’t believe you thought that of me when you first met me,” he mumbled with a smile. “Most people think I’m weird and not worth a second thought.”

You shook your head. “I think I just knew. I knew that someday, not too long from that moment… I knew you’d become my world. You’ve remained as such ever since.”

After a couple of minutes in each other’s embrace and a few more kisses, you went back to unpacking your boxes, but not before hearing Reid chuckling and sitting back down.

“August 6th, Reid and I had sex in Rossi’s office — oh I am definitely reading this one.”

anonymous asked:

ahhh i love your small aus so much!! i was in a super sad mood but the aus helped me cheer up!! ♡ may i request a small au for taeyong? tysm ♡♡♡♡

thank u!!! im sorry you’re in a bad mood, feel better quick!!!~~

  • tech support!taeyong 
  • wears his name tag around his neck with his id and on the back of it he keeps a photo of him and his sister because he’s a soft sweetheart 
  • and he is always really helpful and good at explaining
  • and everyone in the office hits on him because,,,,,like have you seen his face 
  • and it makes him super embarrassed 
  • so he’ll be like “you can switch the capable here or-” 
  • someone: you can switch my cables ;)
  • taeyong: “or-o - o r- o r,,,, o r,,,,,,,um,,,,,excuse me i need,,,to just ,,,, bathroom,,,,,excuse me,,,”
  • he’s basically an awkward mess ,,,, but it’s really adorable and he just wants to fix computers and fix bugs,,,,,let him live
  • and you keep calling tech support on your computer because, yes you admit it, taeyong is really sweet and has a face carved from stone and his voice is like,,,,,,woah he’s just The Whole Package
  • and did you “accidentally” spill all this soda on your keyboard. yes. you “accidentally” did
  • but with you taeyong,,,,secretly really likes helping you because unlike the other people who make him uncomfortable and are just straightforwardly flirting
  • you ask him about his day and if he’s had lunch and it’s nice to be treated like a normal person instead of just ogled at for his looks
  • and taeyong is fixing your keyboard, telling you about this museum he’s going to after work and you’re like !!!!! oh that’s my favorite one in the city their exhibit on egyptian art is my favorite!!!
  • and taeyong perks up and he’s like “i love it too! im a member there, so tickets are free for me on this day!!” and you’re like WOah im jealous
  • and he’s like “you can come with me,,,,,,,if you’re free,,,,”
  • and you’re like OH,,,,,woah,,,,,he never asks anyone from work to hangout omg
  • and you’re like i,,,id love to
  • and you two do it, meeting up to take the train and talking more and it’s totally a first date because when you come back to the office and taeyong shyly waves at you, biting back his lip as he walks past your desk
  • the whole office turns to you and is like: you lucky son of a gun 
Million Dollar Man

+Request: harry smut with harry as ur boss who’s been flirting with you and you’ve been teasing him a lot but u two haven’t had sex bc u know people would talk if they found out, but then he makes a really risky move that makes u change ur mind 

 A/N: Hey guys back with another imagine. I hope you guys like it because I worked super hard on this. I would love so much if you guys would leave feed back and tell me what you guys think of it. love you all and thank you! 

This one shot I based a bit off of and even named it from the original song called Million dollar man by Lana Del Rey. Go check out the song its so good, one of my favorites by her. 

 Working with Harry wasn’t as bad as it all really seems. Yes he may be strict and yes he may yell a lot but I just know that when you have to work with people that sometimes are idiots and don’t wanna do their work it is hard not to come off as a prick. Harry was a very smart man, he knew what he was doing and how to really become successful. I’ve only been working with Harry for about 3 months, it isn’t that long for you to base your perspective off of someone you barely know. But all of that aside, I has a crush on my boss. 

 He is so tall and strong and beautiful long curly hair. I just wanna run my hands through his hair and hear him moan to how good it feels. But there are a lot of other things I wanna do to him to hear him moan. I just wanna crawl under his desk and pull down his pants and suck his cock. I wanna hear him moan out my name so loud and to place his hand on the back of my head and push me down farther. I wanna look up and stare at his face while this is going down and see him roll his eyes back in his head and plead for more. I want him to finish in my mouth and to feel his cum run down my throat. But hes my boss so it would never happen.


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anonymous asked:

I'm sure you've already posted this so sorry for asking, but could you share a few of your favorite Stony fics? I've been looking for longer fics I haven't read with like, actual plot and stuff. Thanks love your blog bye

*Rubs hands Together* RIGHT! OKAY! LET’S DO THIS!

(So by ‘longer fics’, I’ve tried to look for a few that are over 20k, and a few of them will almost certainly be ones you’ve read, but these are just some of my personal favourites! And I LOVE recommendations, so if anyone has any for me, I’d love to hear them!)

Gee’s Super Duper Amazing List of SteveTony:

1) Emanata (The Comics Will Break Your Heart Remix)

Author: Teaberryblue
Words: 29k
Rating: teen
Archive warnings: None

Identity porn, comic artist Steve, and both of those nerds drawing out their feelings for one another via Teetering-On-Wildy-Inappropriate-Comics!

2) As Easy As..

Author: Scavenge4Dreams
words: 135k series spanning ten works
Rating: Mature
Archive Warnings: None

Okay, so listen. listen. This series is, probably, my all-time favourite SteveTony series ever? If anyone asks me to rec a fic, this is the first place i go. Stunning writing, amazing emotion, and A N G ST LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE.

3) Insomniac Dreaming

Author: Scavenge4Dreams
Words: 110k spanning 10 works
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warnings: None

Again, 10 amazing works that will have you screaming into your pillow at 3am with your Tony-feels. Believe me. All fics centred around the subject of sleep, or lack of.

4) First Impressions and Second Chances

Author: Lilsmartass
Words: 178k spanning over 6 works
Rating: Teen
Archive Warnings: Violence

So this series is one of the first I ever read fanfic-wise, and trust me… it sticks with you. I didn’t have to even search this shit up. It’s burned into me. OH MY GOD IT WILL MAKE! YOU! CRY! THE TONY-FEELS! HOLY SHIT! To be honest, the Stony elements only come in toward the last works in the series, but honestly. Just read it anyway. It’s truly superb, and will wrench your heart out.

5) I (created from fantasies) exist solely for you

Author: Mizzy
Words: 62k
Rating: Teen
Archive Warnings: none

This is a comic book office AU, where Steve is defrosted a year too late, Thor has forgotten who he is, and no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

6) Unveil my unsightly heart

Author: Mizzy
Words: 43k
Rating: mature
Archive Warnings: None

Author continues to excel themselves at making me cry. Loved it, amazing to watch Steve and Tony’s relationship grow and develop. Also a really good plot, too!

7) Over Sea, Under Stars

Author: Vorkosigan
Words: 27k (WiP)
Rating: Teen
Archive Warnings: None

First post-CW fic that I’ve chosen to stick with and read, and loving it so far!

8) Man Out of Time

Author: Samptra
Words: 39k
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warnings: None


9) A Fistful of Steves: This Town Ain’t Big Enough

Author: Teaberryblue
Rating: Teen
Archive Warnings: None

When Tony Stark takes a bullet intended for Steve Rogers, he wakes up in a world entirely peopled by alternate incarnations of everyone’s favorite Star-Spangled Man.
Welcome to Stevechester, Population: Steve

10) dreaming through the decades

Author: theappleppielifestyle
Words: 22k
Rating: Gen
Archive Warnings: none


If anyone had any recommendations for me, feel free to let my know! I’m always up for reading new stuff!

kevinw42  asked:

A man wakes up one day and finds that all of his furniture has been shifted one inch to the left.

I woke up 2.3 minutes later than usual today. It took me a while to investigate and figure out the reason, but I eventually surmised it was due to the sun. Usually the sun rays hit my eyes at precisely 6:59 AM, but not today. I realized it was my bed which was moved precisely 2.54 cm away from the window, allowing for the later wake up.

I repositioned my bed and went to the living room to brew my morning coffee. Unfortunately, it seems my calculations were once again out of alignment. The breeze wasn’t sufficient to cool my drink, and I ended up burning my tongue.

What a bother. I went to check my barometric data. Spot on as usual. Once again it seemed the position of my furniture was at fault. My sofa was off of its ideal coffee cooling location. 2.54 cm off to be precise. This was starting to get on my nerves.

Before proceeding with my morning rituals, I went to check the rest of my furniture. My desk was 2.54 cm off. My nightstand as well. My grandfather clock was only 2.53 cm off. No wait, my bad, a miscalculation again. My measuring stand was also 2.54 cm off, throwing off my math. The grandfather clock was 2.54 cm off as well.

This was a blight on my house. A mathematical nightmare. Who would do such a thing?

I stared at the clock again, studying the patterns of dust in the floor. In my study, I nearly failed to notice the actual time. I was 13.4 minutes late for work. Oh, what a bother.

I ran as quickly as I could, taking the most optimal route as possible. Unfortunately, it seemed like the park benches were somehow also moved 2.54 cm off of their usual location. I miscalculated the location of one of them and ended up falling face first into the grass. This was truly the work of an insidious mastermind.

Finally, I limped my way to the office. I walked towards my cubicle with caution, lest the office desks and chairs were also somehow moved. I couldn’t trust my calculations or my memory anymore. The office seemed fine, until I reached my desk. I didn’t need to measure anything this time to know the entire thing was moved exactly 2.54 cm in all directions.

I turned towards to Lydia from accounting. Her desk was right across from mine. She sat there, a sly smile on her face, and a measuring tape 2.54 cm from the edge of her desk.

every episode of house

[intro of someone doing a normal day-to-day activity with someone else around. suddenly the camera goes blurry and the audio gets all distorted. they collapse, it cuts to black, the theme plays]


cuddy: there’s this case. it’s weird because of these weird things. you might be interested

house: *limping through a hallway* im not interested

cuddy: but there IS this EXTRA weird thing about the case that i’m just mentioning as a side note

house: *grabs all the files out of her hand* i’ll do it


[house, cameron, foreman, and chase are in house’s office. house is at the whiteboard]

house: the symptoms are this, this, this, and this. what could it be?

chase: well it could be [fairly common disease]

house: come on! think outside the box!

cameron or foreman: well…… i guess it COULD be [much more obscure disease]

house: now THAT makes sense. put them on [medication for obscure disease]. 


[cameron, chase, or foreman are with the patient in the patient’s room]

cameron/chase/foreman: well, good news– you seem to be responding to treatment.

patient: *smiles* that’s great!

cameron/chase/foreman: and you can go home in a few days! *turns away briefly to write something on a clipboard*

[suddenly the patient starts shaking and convulsing and the monitor starts beeping really loud and fast]

cameron/chase/foreman: THEY’RE SEIZING! *GRABS PATIENT* ATIVAN, STAT! 

[it cuts to black with the monitor still going crazy]


[house, cameron, chase, and foreman are back in house’s office with the whiteboard]

house: *snarkily* the treatment isn’t working. clearly it’s not [the first obscure disease]. any ideas?

cameron: it could be [another obscure disease], but this one symptom doesn’t match up.

house: it it possible……. our treatment could have caused that symptom?

cameron: oh my god…… yeah it’s definitely possible. get them on [medication for the second obscure disease] and [medication to reverse effects of the first medication], stat.


[a shot of the patient wheezing and looking pale while hooked up to a bunch of tubes is shown. house looks in through the window to the room thoughtfully]

house: this treatment isn’t working either. at this rate they’ll be dead by tomorrow morning.

chase/cameron/foreman: we’ve tried everything……….

house: *sees something completely random in the hallway* *suddenly looks REALLY thoughtful* wait a minute……..

chase/cameron/foreman: what?

house: *explains a disease that’s even more obscure than the first two and that is vaguely related to the random hallway thing*

chase/cameron/foreman: well, if you’re wrong, the treatment will kill them.

house: only one way to find out…….


[shot of medicine dripping into the iv, then fade to black]

[shot of patient looking significantly better, smiling and laughing]

chase/cameron/foreman: i can’t believe it worked……

house: *to the patient* we’ll have you home by tomorrow.

patient: thank you so much. *says something wise and deep that is vaguely related to house’s current emotional state*

house: *looks pensive*

[fade to black]

New Girl

Pairing: Stiles x Reader

Author: @ninja-stiles

Words: 1493

Author’s Note: I saw a gif of Stiles and made this cute little thing. There will most likely be a part two if people want it. Thanks to the greatest @dumbass-stilinski for editing it, telling me that one part was confusing and making me realize somethings that I wrote didn’t transform from my phone to my computer. Enjoy all!

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