Chew the crunchiest foods with your mouth open? Scream on speaker phone every day? I hope you enjoy my new keyboard

This one is short, but sweet. My office is set up to be nice and open. We are a small office, consisting of 5 people. My co-worker, who sits closest to me, has the manners of a wild animal. She never washes her hands, doesn’t cover her mouth when she sneezes, and makes all of the doorknobs smell like cigarettes from her chain smoking. The worst of her offenses is her noise level. She talks to her obnoxiously loud daughter every single day on facetime, for at least 20 minutes. Her daughter and grandchildren live in Scotland so Facetime it is… on speaker. Those disgusting creatures (daughter included) will belch, fart, scream, laugh, for the entire chat. They need some Gas-x in their lives. I have asked her to go outside to talk because I can’t hear my clients, but she said it is too hot and there is nowhere else to talk other than her desk. Aside from her conversations, my co-worker also chews the crunchiest foods with her mouth open. Her mouth sounds as though someone is trying to cheese grate rocks. We have to deal with these things because she has worked here for 30 years and the boss loves her. She is also a diligent worker bee.

My revenge is simple. I went to Frys (local electronic store) and found a new mechanical keyboard. Now when she answers her phone, or eats her concrete chips, I start mashing away. CLICK CLACK CLICKITY CLACK CLACK. I think the negative reinforcement training is working because today she went to her car to talk to her daughter. She came back up drenched in sweat. Success!

edit: A lot of people think I smell the actual doorknob… I do not. The smell is transferred to my hand when I open the door. Sometimes I forget to wash my hand after, and get a nasty whiff when I go to push my glasses up, or scratch my face.