off to eat lunch now!

When I Met A Girl

***I wrote this for my English assignment and yeah… Enjoy****

When I was seven I met a girl who made me giggle. My first
day at school and she walked up to me, her hands filled with sand, “Here, have
this, you’re my new friend.” I took it gratefully, stunned by this tiny girl
with glasses too big for her face. I carried it around with me until I was told
off; sand wasn’t allowed in the classrooms. We’d sit together and laugh and cut
out tiny pictures of animals we would tape to our tables. She’d tell me stories
of older siblings and slide her glasses up her nose right before they’d fall off
her face. I’d sit there and eat my lunch, chiming in every now and again to
tell her about my funny memories, which always resulted in her laughing so much
she began to snort.  But summer was the
best, because the sun seemed to focus on her, making her blonde hair light up
and set her apart from our other classmates, always making me smile. She’d buy
red icy-poles from the canteen and would later hold my hand with her sticky
sugar coated ones during play time. It seemed as if nothing could compare to
her gapped tooth smile and messy hair.   I remember thinking of our days as being the
best thing in the universe, having endless fun and never growing tired of silly
jokes or colouring in.

When I was ten I met a girl who made me smile. We’d sit in
her room with Avril Lavigne playing on her TV and her parents arguing from the
kitchen. I’d bring over my mum’s lipsticks and eye shadows and we’d give each
other colourful makeovers to help pass the time. She’d welcome me into her pink
room and her freckled cheeks would glow underneath our messily made blanket fort,
then we’d sing along to the music, our hands together as we danced across the
room. She embodied happiness and wore yellow flowers behind her ears, sometimes
woven into her two long braids. I remember movie nights with her feeling like
they could last forever, the morning never seeming to come as we lay in bed and
laughed at our own jokes, staying up past midnight and sneaking into the
kitchen to steal ice cream and cookies for snacks. These nights were magical
and held a kind of sacredness, nothing bad could enter our forts, nor could
parents or siblings. She gave me confidence, energy and ice cream.

When I was thirteen I met a girl who made me laugh. This
girl was fearless, she approached me with certainty and demanded that I be her
friend. She’d text me at four in the morning and we’d talk for hours on end.
This girl was my best friend, this girl was beautiful and she knew it.  She’d take me by my hand and we’d run home
from school, collapsing on her bed, laughing, as we shook off our school bags.
She’d sit me down and open up to me about the things that erased the confidence
from her eyes, she told me about her mum and car crashes and things that made
her cry. I’d hug her and tell her it would be okay, because I felt as though I
needed to protect this girl, and I wanted to make her feel secure. We would
climb trees on her uncle’s farm and she would laugh when she had to help me up
to the highest branch, before kissing me and smiling the biggest smile I had
ever seen. I’d laugh nervously, my brain buzzing and my cheeks flushed, then
she’d kiss me again and we would just sit there, staring at the sunset. “Don’t
tell my dad.” She’d always say as we climbed down. For the longest time I
didn’t know if she meant don’t tell him that we’d climbed the tree or that we’d
kissed, I figured it out the next summer when her uncle came down to the back of
the farm to call us up for lunch and found us kissing. I was sent home and when
school started she wasn’t there. My teachers told me she was sent away to live
with her aunt in New South Wales.

When I was sixteen I met a girl who made me cry. This girl
was filled with shards of glass and storms. She was a hurricane that would
bring me along and then drop me to the ground when she was done. This girl
wasn’t kind or good for me, but she was captivating, she made me feel special
and loved and important. She’d pick me up in her old, beaten car and pause to
tie her long golden hair out of her face as she told me of the night’s plans.
When I was with her there were colours, there were lights and there were fields
of experiences and firsts and the little things that mattered. She’d put her
arm around me and promise me that tonight was going to be the best night ever, and
then we’d dance for hours on end, to music neither of us had ever heard. Whenever
we went out she’d be surrounded with crowds of older boys and pretty girls, but
she always managed to look down at me with her big green eyes that told me none
of them mattered, that nothing else mattered, because we were together and the
night was young and we had a car that could take us anywhere. But this girl was
poisonous. When we were alone she’d yell and scream and push me around. She’d
fill my ears with stinging words and leave me crying on her door step at the
end of each night when she was done with me. And for whatever reason, the next
day I’d come back, and we’d go out, and she’d love me, until we went back to
her house and she’d blame me for the car breaking down, or my parents finding
out we were drinking, or for her forgetting her keys. She’d blame me and I’d be
sent away shaken and scared, but I still came back.

When I was nineteen I met a girl who made me dance. I
complimented her on the scarf she wore to class every day, she had smiled and
whispered, “My dad bought it for me from Spain,” then she looked at me properly
and leaned in closer, “You have very pretty eyes.” I blushed and thanked her,
she smirked and resumed paying attention to the lecture. This girl was amazing;
she was charismatic and could charm anyone. She knew every student and every professor.
She was smart, creative and emotional in all the right ways. She was all things
bright and all things extroverted.  This
girl was warm and this girl was lovely. She wore flowing dresses and took me to
sophisticated parties where we would stand in the corner and laugh at every one’s
ridiculous outfits, we’d get tipsy on champagne and spend the rest of the
evening in dingy cafes in the city that smelt like old smoke and pancakes. My
year with her was the best year of my life. Her dad would buy plane tickets to
fly us out to Spain to stay with him. We’d spend hundreds of dollars on
expensive Spanish food and waste hours watching street performers, dancing, and
just being in each other’s arms. She was the first girl I had fallen in love with,
and every moment with her was special, was magical, and was perfect. The night
before she left to move to Spain permanently we laid together in her bed and
cried. Eventually we stopped and I laid beside her, playing with her long red
hair as she rested her head against my shoulder, “This won’t be the end, long
distance works for a lot of people,” we’d tell each other. When she left, we
lasted for two months before we mutually agreed it wasn’t working, it took me five
months to properly recover. She was my first love.

When I was twenty-three I met a girl who made me jealous.
This girl could never love me back, this girl was the one that got away. I fell
for her despite myself. I really couldn’t help it, everything about her made me
smile; the way she covered her mouth when she laughed, how she did her makeup,
the way she cut her hair, the skirts she wore that would billow around her
every time she spun around, which was often. This girl was kind to me and took
care of me, she was my friend and was there for me when I needed her. We moved
in together and it felt like torture, I wanted so much more than what we had,
but I couldn’t have it, so I had to remain content with our current friendship,
with inside jokes and crying on each other’s shoulders. For then, it was
enough, but I couldn’t help pining. She eventually met a man, and for months I
was taken over with jealousy, why did he achieve what I could not? Soon she
moved out and moved in with him, they became engaged and I was forced to let go
of my feelings. Yet we still remain friends, and we have dinners together and
laugh about my younger self and her love stricken feelings.

When I was twenty-seven I met a girl that made me sparkle.
This girl, she was The One. She’s the girl that made time stop, that froze
everything around us every time we kissed. The girl that made my stomach fill
with butterflies and my head fill with romances. This girl was every definition
of perfect. I could stare for hours and hours and hours at this girl and her
beautiful blue eyes, at her constellations of freckles that littered her back,
I could stare and he stained lips and her short wavy hair, I could stare at
this girls tanned legs and I could listen to her angelic voice until the day I
die. I fell in love with all these, all of the beautiful perfect pieces of her.
I fell in love with her flaws also; the stretch marks pulled across her hips,
the small mole on her jaw, the scar in between her eyebrows from when she was a
child, the regretted star tattoo on her finger. Everything about her enraptured
me, she was perfect to me, and I too her. She’d surprise me in the mornings
with sweet coffee and a sweeter smile. This girl would take me on adventures I
will never forget.  She made me feel like
a million stars, she made me sparkle, she helped me love everything, she helped
me follow my passions and to realise what love felt like. This girl was lovely.

Life as A Single Dad

Prompt - An au by @vipeejunior7​. Check it out!

——————————————————————————————-

Aaron had always wanted kids, but he had never met anyone he wanted to share them with. So he decided to adopt. He wanted children to raise, but he just wasn’t interested in marriage.

He was 25 years old when he moved into his apartment. It had 3 bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and a kitchen with just enough space for a table to eat at.

A few months had passed since Aaron moved in, and he decided it was time. He had moved here just so he could adopt a child, and have a comfortable house with them, and have access to the town. Aaron looked up the nearest adoption centre, grabbed his jacket, and started walking.

The centre was about a 20 minute walk, so he ended up tying his sweater around his waist, seeing as it was spring right now, and the weather had just started getting warmer.

He opened the door and a little bell on the door jingled. The lady at the reception desk looked up at Aaron and smiled.

“How can I help you today sir?”

“I was wondering if I could adopt a child?” Aaron said, walking over to her.

“Well sure! If you could follow me please.”

And so he did.

Aaron didn’t know how it happened, but it did. Before he knew it he was walking out of the adoption centre with 5 little children. Blaze, Rylan, Dottie, Maria and Daniel. All werewolves.

Maybe that was what made him decide to adopt them, or maybe it was just that they all looked so close and friendly, he just couldn’t split them up. But he had 5 kids now, and no idea how they were all gonna fit inside his tiny apartment. But they did.

It had been a year since Aaron adopted the children, and he never regretted it for a second. They were all angels, and although sometimes hard to handle, they would listen to Aaron.

Blaze was now 7, Dottie and 6, Rylan and Maria were 5, and Daniel was 4.

They had all grown up so fast. Aaron was brought back from his thoughts as he heard a crash from the shared bedroom of Blaze and Dottie.

Aaron came running in to see what had happened.

“Alright what happened in here?”

Aaron saw dottie hitting Blaze in the head with the doll he had bought her for her birthday.

“Blaze knocked my wolf piggy bank off of my table! He did it on purpose!”

She continued hitting him with the doll.

“I did not! My tail brushed against the table and I knocked it off! I’m sorry, but can you stop hitting me?”

Aaron sighed, before walking over to the two kids, and taking the doll out of Dottie’s hands.

“It was an accident, ok Dottie? Blaze said sorry. I’ll buy you a new one, is that alright with you?”

“Fine,” said Dottie, pouting at the ground.

“Alright, now say you’re sorry for hitting Blaze.”

Blaze stuck his tongue out at her, “Yeah! Say you’re sorry!”

“Blaze, don’t tease her. Now say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry for hitting you in the head repeatedly with my doll.”

“Alright. Now I’m gonna finish getting ready, then we can all head to the park. You two wanna help me finish packing the lunch?”

“YEAH!” Dottie and Blaze said in sync. They both ran ahead of Aaron and into the kitchen.

“Alright, you two place the sandwich’s in the basket, I’m gonna clean up the mess you two made.”

“Ok Dad!”

Aaron was carrying Daniel in his arms, and holding Rylan’s hand while the other three kids ran ahead of them.

“Hey! Don’t run to far ahead! Stay where I can see you.”

“Sorry Dad!” He heard them call back, while slowing down.

After about 5 more minutes of walking, they all saw the park, and all the kids except Daniel (who was still in Aaron’s arms) ran over to the playground. Aaron chuckled to himself, “You wanna go play with them Daniel?”

“Yah!”

“Alright, stay safe buddy,” Aaron said, putting Daniel down and ruffling his hair.

“Thanks Daddy! I wuv you!” And with that, he ran off.

Aaron placed their blanket and basket down on the ground, before spotting some of his friends. He walked over to Ivy and Teony.

“Hey guys, came here with Gene, Sasha and Zenix again?”

“Of course,” Tenoy said, “This is their favourite place to hang out. They just can’t get enough of it.”

Aaron laughed, and sat down next to them on the bench, continuing their chat, and just having a good time.

Over on the playground, things weren’t as friendly. Blaze started climbing up onto the play structure, before someone stood in his way.

“Hey!” Said Blaze, standing up to face the person, “Let me up!”

By now, the other 4 children had gathered behind Blaze, waiting to see what was going to happen next.

“Nuh uh! This is our playground now!” Said a boy who looked to be around 7 or 8. He had ocean blue eyes and black curly hair. Behind him were two kids who looked about a year younger than the first boy, There was a guy with brown spiky hair and red eyes, then a girl with long white hair and purple eyes.

Blaze had seen these kids around, his dad new their parents, so they had seen them while Aaron had talked to Ivy and Teony.

“Well we get to use it as well!” Blaze said, trying to walk past them.

“Only cool people can play here!” Said the girl, who Blaze thinks is called Sasha. He thought he’d heard Aaron call the other two, Zenix and Gene.

“Why don’t you prove that you’re cool enough to play here!” Said Gene, walking closer to Blaze.

“Fine! I will prove it!”

“Ohhh, I smell a competition happening!” Sasha said, her eyes lighting up.

“Blaze, you don’t have to do this,” said Rylan, walking over to him.

“Yeah, this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” Dottie added.

“Awww, you guys are wimps! You should totally fight him!” Maria said, in her usual loud voice.

“I like butterflies,” Daniel added, not entirely sure what was going on.

“Fight me Gene! I could beat you any day of the week!”

“Oh it’s on!” Gene shouted, and so everyone but Gene and Blaze decided what the competition would encase.

Sasha and Dottie walked over to the two boys, while everyone else took a seat along the edge of the playground.

“Alright, listen up you two!” Dottie said, “We’ve come up with three challenges for you guys to compete in, and whoever wins the most, wins!”

Sasha started talking, “The first challenge, you guys are gonna have to run through the entire playscape, and whoever does it the fastest, wins.”

“The next challenge is whoever can build the best sandcastle!” Dottie said, pointing over to where the sandbox was, filled with toy shovels and buckets.

“And finally,” Sasha said, pausing for dramatic effect, “The third, and most dangerous challenge, you need to jump off the swing set! Whoever jumps the highest and farthest, wins!”

“To the first challenge!” The girls screamed together.

Gene was going first. He got into his starting position at the foot of the stairs, leading up to the playground. Suddenly, Sasha yelled, “GO!”

As soon as she said ‘go’, Gene went. He was fast, Blaze had to give him that. But no way he was gonna beat Blaze. He was a werewolf after all!

“Time!” Sasha yelled as soon as Gene came out the other side. “Good job Gene!” They high fived.

“Alright Blaze, you’re turn! Good luck!” Dottie said.

Blaze took his starting position at the bottom of the stairs, then Dottie shouted, “GO!”

Blaze was up the stairs on crossing over a little bridge. He ducked under a bar, and over some stairs. He jumped over a small gap, but then he heard Daniel yell, “GO BWAZE!” And he accidentally tripped. Not wanting to lose, he stood up and ran to the end, rubbing his face once he finished.

“TIME!” Dottie yelled, walking over to Sasha. After a hushed conversation, Dottie looked up, pouting. “GENE WINS!” Sasha yelled. Gene stuck his tongue out at Blaze, who kindly returned the gesture.

“There are still two more rounds doofus.” Blaze said, then walked over to the sandbox with Dottie.

Gene and Blaze sat on opposite sides of the sandbox, Sasha and Dottie standing in between them, the other kids sitting on the side.

“Alright, you guys have 2 minutes to build the best sandcastle you can. And your two minutes, are starting, now!”

Gene and Blaze both started building as quickly as they could, ignoring each other completely.

Blaze thought his was going well, he had a square shape of sand, and he had made some windows and a door and a moat around it. He was quite proud of it actually. Just before he started to make some tiny people outside of the house, Sasha shouted, “Times up! Stop building!”

Blaze looked over at Gene’s sandcastle and almost died laughing, all Gene had was a pile of sand with a stick coming out of the top of it.

“Is that what you call a sand castle?” Blaze said tauntingly.

“Shut up! I can’t work well under pressure!”

All Blaze did in response was laugh harder.

“Well,” Dottie started, “I think it’s clear who the winner of this round is. Congratulations Blaze!”

The 3 kids on the sidelines cheered, while Zenix looked grumpy, and glared at them all.

“To the last challenge!”

Blaze and Gene were both sitting on one of the swings, glaring at each other.

“Alright, so whoever goes the highest and farthest, wins!” Sasha said.

“On your marks, get set, SWING!”

They both started kicking their legs back and forth, trying to get higher that the other kid. All of the kids on the sidelines were cheering, screaming for whoever they wanted to win. Of course, Blaze got more cheers, he had more siblings.

Then Gene went flying off. Blaze saw where he landed and knew he could easily beat that. Just as he started to jump off, he heard someone calling his name.

“Blaze! Oh my Irene! Be careful!”

Blaze went flying through the air, and all the shouting stopped. He landed on the grass face first, but there was a fair amount of distance between him and Gene. Blaze sat up, his nose bleeding, but he smiled and laughed.

“I did it! I beat Gene!”

“Blaze oh my Irene are you ok?” Aaron said, rushing over to him and placing a napkin beneath his nose. “I was coming over to see if you guys wanted to eat lunch now, then I saw you flying off the swing sets!  Never do anything like that again, you hear me?”

“Sorry Dad,” Blaze said looking down, “But I had to! I had to beat Gene so we could play on the playground!”

Aaron looked over at Ivy and Tenoy who were comforting a crying Gene. Aaron sighed and looked at all of his kids, “Alright, I won’t punish you this time, but don’t do anything dangerous like that again. That goes for you four as well!”

“Ok Dad!” They all replied, then Aaron stood up, holding Blaze’s hand. “Well, let’s all go get some lunch. You all must be pretty hungry.”

“Yeah!” Maria shouted, racing over to the picnic blanket, The other 3 following in her footsteps, before Aaron and Blaze walked over calmly.

Aaron smiled as he thought to himself, looking over all of his kids. They were laughing and talking, and just having a great time. Aaron thought, “This is my life as a single dad, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

——————————————————————————————-

Word Count - 1968

Being rude to fast food employees. Yes, I'll give you directions.....

This happened about 10 years ago. (Edit. 12 years ago in 2004 to be exact)

My city is right off Interstate 90.

My (now ex)  girlfriend and I were eating lunch at the Wendy’s that’s right off the interstate.

As we were eating we overheard this woman being a total and complete bitch to the two workers in the front of the restaurant. It was the usual messed up order with the ol questioning their competence and wondering how hard can it possibly be to put the correct stuff on a burger.

Anyways, they were from out of town and I heard the woman and her husband (?) discussing how to get to where they need to be as they were eating their food.

As we were throwing our trash away we had to go near their table and the women said “hey you,  how do I get to highway 251?”. Not an “excuse me”, or “please” or anything…. So, that coupled with the way she was treating the employees really rubbed me the wrong way.

So, I tell her exactly how to get through town and get to highway 251…What I “forgot” was that the bridge going over the creek was out and was inpassable.

The bridge had been out all summer and all the locals knew it, so when we turned around to leave the two employees were standing there at the registers and had heard the whole exchange and were both smiling at me…. And with a wink at them, we left the restaurant and knew in 10 minutes that royal bitch would be cursing my name, hahahahaha.

Be kind to people and people will be kind back to you.

Be rude to people if you want, but don’t expect any favors after that.

Today, I fucked up... by wiping my ass with gum

So… I’m too embarrassed to tell any of my friends this but, here we go. I had been chewing the same piece of gum all morning and it was long past time to spit it out. As I was about to grab lunch from one of our cafeterias, I stopped by the restroom. As soon as I sat down, I pulled out some toilet paper and put my gum in it, as I intended on flushing it. After I finished my glorious shit, I took the same gummy toilet paper. Reached down. And spackled minty gum all over my ass hole. I had no idea what had happened until the second wipe where a long stretchy strand of chewy gum came off the toilet paper. So, now I am eating lunch with a wadded piece of toilet paper between my minty butt cheeks. I have a 15 minute walk home and I’m not looking forward to it.

TLDR; forgot I had old gum in the toilet paper I wiped my ass with and now have an extremely uncomfortable and minty butthole.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.