of feeling rejected

i cut like 90% of the friends i had out of my life recently and the weird thing is: i feel less miserable now that i’m basically all alone
i wonder why

“I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.

—  S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #132

I’m sure someone has already said this more eloquently than me but can we just talk about how diana bucks the Strong Female Character stereotype? too many people seem to think that Strong Female Characters = tough as nails, smartass, feisty, would never dream of crying, rejects all things feminine, not like other girls. diana IS tough but she’s also warm and kind and compassionate. she gets excited over a baby, she’s upset by the treatment of the horses, she doesn’t reject her feelings for steve, she’s visibly unsettled by the sight of wounded soldiers and crying children… and none of this is demeaned or treated as weakness or girlish naivety. I just thought that was so important and refreshing and beautiful 

ADHD parkour

Leaping from one hyperfixation to another 

balancing between too little stimulation so we get distracted and too much stimulation so we get distracted 

climbing over the piles of crap we leave lying around our homes 

Bonus: Ft Rejection sensitive dysphoria: Jumping to conclusions about what insignificant actions of our friends mean. 

You ever really think about how Amethyst knew nothing about herself prior to Rose dying? Because I do.

Amethyst has learned more since Rose died and Steven was born than she did in the thousands of years prior she’s been with them. More than that- she’s respected more now than she was before Rose died. They don’t carry her like a ragdoll or chuck sticks to make her leave them be. She’s not just Amethyst the troublemaker anymore. She’s Amethyst the Crystal Gem. 

It took them thousands of years to get to this point. Thousands.

But it’s always been that way for the newbie, hasn’t it? Steven is just as out of the loop. Steven has been ignored and refused information as a staple of his entire life. It’s a battle to get the simplest tidbit out of Pearl and Garnet, and they hold all the answers.

I repeat: Pearl and Garnet know everything (in a metaphorical sense). Steven and Amethyst know next to nothing.

It’s Amethyst who first gives Steven a glimpse into the reality of Gems. It’s Amethyst who shows Steven the Kindergarten, explains to him how Gems (or, at the very least, Quartzes) are made. Amethyst gives him the keys because she’s always been forced to hotwire the car, and she doesn’t want him to have to feel that rejection like she has.

Because, outside of this, what does she know about her own history? She doesn’t. She’s been denied access. 

Would knowing she was defective hurt? Of course it would. It hurts her now. But knowing isn’t a bad thing. It’s given her understanding. Amethyst finally understands why she’s felt off from Pearl and Garnet and Rose her whole life- it’s not all in her head, it’s also in her gemetics

So many bits and pieces of her life must make sense now. Why she couldn’t beat Pearl when Rose probably could. Why she’s flung more easily by corruptions and gets hurt and poofs more easily (not more often- that’s her recklessness)- her body isn’t quite normal. It doesn’t operate under normal Gem rules.

Would knowing more about Rose’s history hurt? Of course. But it’s also key to his character. Steven’s grown up idolizing Rose. Steven honestly thinks the Gems want him to be like Rose. And, one time, maybe he even wanted to be a little like Rose.

They didn’t have to tell him about Pink Diamond. They didn’t have to tell him she started a war. All they really needed to do was talk openly about her, about her flaws as a person, but, again, he’s been refused access. Pearl and Garnet don’t want Steven to know Rose the Gem, even now. Pearl and Garnet want Steven to know Rose the Idea. And, honestly, we’re past that point now. We can’t go back to that now. But they won’t go forward, either.

That’s one of the major differences between Steven and Amethyst- Amethyst has given up trying. Amethyst takes what she knows, the little bits and bobs, sticks them together with theory glue and hotwires the car. Steven has gotten the keys handed to him, once, and still has part of them now- he has Amethyst, who doesn’t lie about Gem things anymore, she just Doesn’t Know- and he doesn’t want to hotwire the car. He wants the full set of keys. 

More than that; he’s willing to fight for the full set of keys. 

He argues when Pearl and Garnet try to shut him out. He turns away from Garnet when she asks him to stay Just Because (he still would’ve gone if she had told him about BD, of course, but he doesn’t know that then). Amethyst?

Amethyst backs off and watches the drama. She doesn’t believe for a second that it’ll get him anywhere. She’s given up. In her mind, it’s only a matter of time before Steven does too.

I am sick and tired of people telling me
that I need to move on
from the boy I am in love with
because I am hurting over the fact
that he doesn’t love me back,
that he is just a friend,
that I am wasting away my life,
that I am not enjoying it to the fullest,
that I am not giving myself or someone else a chance,
but how do I explain
that yes it hurts to not be loved back,
yes it hurts to just be friends
with someone you are so madly in love with
but I am not wasting away my life,
I do whatever I am supposed to do,
I do whatever I want to do,
I am not always this depressed over him,
I do have friends,
I do have a life which is boring
but at the same time exciting and good
and that trying to be good enough for him
even when I am not and won’t be
has made me a better person
—  Isn’t love about trying to be your best self for someone even when you are the only one in love, even when the love is only one person’s, even when they don’t love you back // JustScribbledWords
I don’t have time, she tells herself, wishing to no longer care. Living through rhyme was simpler, but you can’t always skew a nightmare. If you only ever stare at a wall, you’ll quickly run out of tales. Depression can easily make you feel small when your memory blurs details. It’s easy to write through your problems when you have problems to write, but when you passively live, it presents another fight.
—  A problem writing won’t fix // Grazia Curcuru

there will always be an opportunity to place
his hands between your legs
but when will his words
build foundations
in your heart?
when will his voice
uplift your spirits
and
his whispers cause trembles
in your soul?
when will his hands
graze against your flesh
in admiration
and not demands
of lust
when will his presence
embellish wonder past
the flickering light
of his basement floor?
when are
the simplicities of romance
going to blossom in your heart?
is there ever going
to be a time
where the flesh
does not
replace
the infatuation?

when?

—  a.eun