Ladies and gentlemen. Family and friends, and…others…
A-also…right, er. First things first. Telegrams. Well they’re not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don’t know why. Wedding tradition, because we don’t have enough of that already, apparently.
‘To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I’m unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stamford.’
‘To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big…squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted.’
‘Mary. Lots of love…poppet. Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this.’
Uh, ‘special day’…'very special day’…'love’, ‘love’, ‘love’, ‘love’, ‘love’ but I think you get the general gist people are basically fond.
John Watson. My friend, John Watson. John. When first broached on the subject of being best man I was confused. I confess at first I didn’t realize he was asking me but when finally I understood I expressed to him that I was both flattered and-surprised. I explained to him that I never expected this request and was a little daunted in the face of it. I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task, which was for me as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was in some ways very close to being…moved by them.
Late to transpire that I had said none of this out loud.
I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you. All emotions in a particular love stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and speechless and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honour the death watched people that is the doom of our society at a time when feels certain our entire species.
But anyway, let’s talk about John.
If I burden myself with a little help mate during my adventures this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed any reputation I have for mental ingenuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
It is a fact I believe that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day, there is a certain analogy there I feel. And contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
The point I’m trying to make is…I am, the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all around obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. Certainly not the best friend, of the bravest, and kindest, and wisest…human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend I cannot congratulate you on…your choice of companion…actually now I can.
Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.
John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss…so sorry again about that last one. So know this; today you sit between the woman you have made your wife, and the man you have saved.
Assured, the two people who love you most in all this world.
And I know that I speak for Mary s well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
Sherlock Holmes’ Best Man Speech, The Sign of Three
holy fucking shit this bitch is so fucking cool you know how many names she has?
how many fucking names do you have?
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.
shes so cool all she needs are two fucking initials and then we know. theres no fucking way were talking about a certain half of the day here son we talkin straight up about PEREGRINE/PARCEL/PROSPITIAN MENDICANT/MISTRESS/MERCHANT.
shit i didnt even know this fool was a fuckin lady until hus told me.
AND WHAT A LADY SHE IS.
look at this son of a bitch doffing his hat like theres no fucking tommorow. thats because not only could PM be a fucking MAN EATER if she wanted to, and she chooses not to because she is one motherfucking CLASSY LADY, and because she means fucking business. shes all about LIBERTY REASON JUSTICE CIVILITY EDIFICATION PERFECTION
AND MOTHERFUCKING MAIL.
HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER.
look here she is with a fucking hit list and a sword.
she dont even know how to PROCESS THIS SHIT.
god. damn is she fucking CIVIL OR WHAT.
here she is undercover like JAMES MOTHERFUCKING BOND with that parking permit. a fucking PARKING PERMIT. but she doesnt care whether her drinks are shaken, stirred, or flipped on the fucking ground in a BLUH fit. shes just a woman on a mission.
heres the mail it never fails because PM MAKES SURE OF IT.
here she is totally not thirsting pettily for power.
FUCK THE SYSTEM.
remember that one time she accidentally blew a fucking building up.
BECAUSE SHE DID.
HELL FUCKING YES that is some elizah thornberry shit look at this bitch just TAMING THE FUCKING BEAST WITHIN. i mean look at her with that metallic heart jesus christ what is she trying to do bludgeon that worm to death with KINDNESS.
and look at that edwardian style fucking script like shes hella gonna put the effort into typing like the CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER SHE IS.
OH HELL NO WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS TRASH THINK HES DOING.
yeah thats what i thought.
THAT IS SOME NATURAL FUCKING TALENT I MEAN SHES NEVER EVEN HELD A SWORD BEFORE IN HER FUCKING LIFE SHES A COLD BLOODED NO NONSENSE KILLER.
LOOK AT HER TRANSFORMING INTO THE BADASS SHE IS. OH MY FUCKING SHIT. SHES OUT FOR VENGENCE AND NOTHINGS STOPPING HER.
maybe even develop a hate fucking crush on the guy that everybodys pissing their pants over. pms intimidating the SHIT outta him.
what kind of badass motherfucker even makes a fucker like JACK NOIR cower in her wake.