I’m obsessed with trees and all their lovely characters throughout the year. Autumn is such a special time and they’re just starting to hit the beautiful sweet spot here in the UK. I’m always mesmerised by their quiet and stoic swan song; all the shades of reds and yellows, like its my first autumn again, and then they fall. Many trees have had a hug from me.
I’d go on walks anyway to enjoy the seasons but with this bizarre kink firmly routed in me, I seem to be making an excuse this year for ridiculously absurd amusement more often than not. This happened recently and it was large, messy and obvious.
I’d planned for at least three days and on the final day I had a huge pizza, swamped in extra virgin olive oil; a sure bet for a movement that just keeps coming. They’re terribly messy and smelly however. After the drive and having resisted a wave of urgency in the woodland between the car park and the hill, it became too much to bare and I lost control heavily whilst walking over a bridge whilst being followed by a girl walking her dog. I couldn’t stop and had to let go as I was walking but I did have to hold my hips and underwear leg bands to try and stop it leaking as it was fairly minimal protection beneath; just capacious white briefs and rolled up tights. The cramps leading up to it meant it was certainly relieving but it was rather a lot mushier than usual and it pilled up and spread around so quickly. My stomach muscles were totally clenched as I hobbled briefly and I just about managed to regain control, trying not to leave her with too much of a disgusting spectacle, but it would have been rather obvious as she wasn’t far behind. My chance to let her pass in the woods was gone now and I was trapped trying to reach the view and the light on the other side of this long pedestrian bridge.
After feeling back, it had soaked though very quickly and with the shock of such immediate staining I upped the pace. Before reaching the location pictured and now on the hill, another severe cramp hit and again I lost control, totally this time and it was much noisier. She was still behind me, a little more distance between us now, and I had to stop and lean over a little. It just erupted and spread out so much in my underwear. I didn’t dare look back and awkwardly continued walking in a purposefully different direction away from her, now noticeably smelling and obviously in a mess. She was adorably cute so maybe I didn’t fight off the urgency as much as I might have but I hope she wasn’t too grossed out.
The event didn’t go without any wee this time. On the second filling I lost control of my bladder briefly but I’ve had far worse leaks. I stayed there taking pictures for 10 minutes, enjoying the view and the light. We have a few nice viewpoints near where I live and this one looks out without too much urban clutter in the photo and most importantly, has lots of gorgeous trees.
The way back was eventful and was speckled with further messings albeit slightly less over the top as the main two explosions. I should have tied something around my waist, I really should have but I was still wearing my cardigan when I needed it as camouflage most. People kept appearing from nowhere and I kept having to change direction. And then when I’d eventually reached the bridge and attempted a quick photo that came out way too dark, I had to awkwardly walk past a couple and their dog. Another dog that was particularly astute at drawing attention to my bottom. I seriously hate it when dogs stick to me and their poor owners have to ironically bark at them to leave me alone. But its totally self inflicted and thats just part of the adventure I suppose. I did the fingers stretched and palms to the floor gesture as I shook my head when the dog wouldn’t leave me and the owners had to yank its lead forcefully. I heard it yelp a little and I felt terrible having caused that. Those seconds somehow become hours of pure stress in my memory.
It was such a messy one to have to drive in and I went straight home to shower. An incredibly messy autumn day. But satisfying on a level that not a lot of people will ever grasp :)