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I’ve never heard of these guys before thirty seconds ago but now this is how I want all Vivaldi to be played in the history of ever. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk

stupid things the orchestral instruments do when they're performing
  • violins: they do this dramatic swaying thing and sometimes the performers' faces look like they caught a whiff of something that isn't good or bad but it's iffy as hell
  • violas: they drop their instrument real low, like almost so that the scroll is hitting their knee, and they almost hop out of their chairs. it's kind of intimidating
  • cellos: classic cello headbang
  • basses: that head thing djs at discos do
  • oboe: my god they're like the violins on steroids. they move all over the place and their expression just becomes more and more pained as their solo goes on. don't even get me STARTED on the eyebrows
  • clarinet: like the oboe but slightly more chilled out
  • flute: they lean forward and bob their heads as they AGGRESSIVELY spit into their instruments
  • bassoon: sometimes they close their eyes and start kind of dancing really passionately with their instrument and it's kind of uncomfortable to watch
  • the entire brass section: they sit fairly still compared to the other instruments, but they're still guilty of excessive eyebrow raising and lots of disapproving squints as they realize they're playing out of tune and everybody heard it
  • percussion: they get really excited before they get to play their one note like they'll hop around and start dancing and bobbing their head before their triangle part and it's adorable
  • piano: headbanging, head bobbing, swaying, pained expression (usually no eyebrow raises, though), and they sometimes drop their heads so that it looks like they're sniffing the keys
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

Theater kids nailing “no food or drink” signs all over “their” performing arts building: we make the rules

Choir kids exploiting 3 loopholes, slirping down cup noodles in the bathroom so the teachers won’t see them: we’re the reason for the rules

Orchestra kids lying in the middle of the hallway right in font of the “no food or drink” signs with pizza and soda: the rules don’t apply to us

my favorite instrument stereotypes
  • tuba: either too tall or too small, pop culture nerds, enjoy old memes
  • trombone: at once amazingly competent and incompetent. no one else can play their trombone because it is broken in ways only they understand
  • euphonium: the teenaged equivalent of a bitter old man who actually has a heart of gold
  • trumpet: egotistical fucks who care a lot about playing louder than the flutes
  • french horn: the only labrosone above the sin of the brass section. everyone treats them like woodwinds because they essentially are
  • flutes: really want to be first chair, insecure about their musicianship, weep a lot
  • clarinet: like the flutes but better at emotional suppression, wants to make everyone proud
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • oboe: the only one who doesn't think their instrument sounds like a duck, nerds
  • bassoon: rich, pretentious, correct other people's grammar
  • percussion: first i bang the drum then i bang your mom, also anger issues probably
Butt music. Literally.

This is taken from the painting: The Garden of Earthly Delights

Now look closely…

And if you are curious as to what it sounds like here is the music for this artwork here it is:

You learn something new everyday ;)

orchestra/band instruments: top or bottom

violin: needy power bottom

viola: verse

cello: top

bass: bottom passing top

harp: BOTTOM

piano: they’re alone so

piccolo: literally anything anyone wants

flute: your royal pillow prince/princess

oboe: just happy to be there

english horn: say they’re a bottom but definitely a top

bass clarinet: verse

clarinet: bottom

bassoon: top

saxophone: verse, up for anything

contrabasson: top

horn: verse

tuba: power bottom

trombone: top passing bottom

trumpet: you’d think they’re tops but they’re all needy bottoms

percussion: tops, they’re all tops, every single one of them

Band instruments as things I've heard them say
  • Piccolo: .... (I don't think I've ever heard them speak. Thinks they're better than everyone and doesn't talk to other band kids)
  • Flute: guess what 'band director' said about 'piccolo'
  • Oboe: *quietly playing a solo, very concentrated*
  • Bassoon: *squeak*
  • Clarinet: we're gonna play those two notes ff instead of p so it sounds like 'DOOT DOOT' wanna help
  • Bass clarinet: I don't think I play here
  • Alto saxophone: I can fit my whole mouthpiece down my throat I'll show you
  • Tenor saxophone: we either play 4 half notes the entire song...or constant 32nd notes....I don't understand
  • Bari saxophone: so do I do sectionals with the trombones, or...?
  • Trombones: *screams into instrument*
  • Tuba: why am I even here
  • French horn: (secluded, doesn't speak much. Very put together. Know what they're doing)
  • Trumpet: *clearly plays wrong note* that wasn't me
  • Percussion: *screaming* RATCHET SUPREMACY