thoughts on the Elder Scrolls races

NORDS:

  •  V I K I N G S
  • probably eat nails for breakfast
  • without milk
  • seriously though these guys have some issues with people drinking milk
  • their fashion sense is basically strapping as many dead animals to themselves as they can
  • punch each other for funsies
  • resolve polictical conflict by via shouting contest

ALTMER:

  • commonly called high elves because they’re so fucking tall
  • fab
  • superiority complex
  • do not engage in magical combat with them because you will lose
  • will not rest until they have complained about everything

BOSMER:

  • smol
  • chillest of the elven races
  • outdoor enthusiasts
  • archery skills to rival legolas
  • won’t eat their vegetables

KHAJIIT:

  • furry
  • Khajiit likes to speak about themselves in 3rd person
  • nomads
  • it’s not breaking the law if no one sees you doing it
  • their hands are their weapons. no seriously they got claws
  • their king is chosen by the moons. I’m serious

IMPERIALS:

  • like building empires
  • not very good at running empires
  • rich bitches
  • still sad because they lost sir patrick steward and his son sean bean
  • slapfights with the altmer 24/7
  • longing for the day when they will get their shit together

DUNMER:

  • Edgelords™
  • their eyes are red their skin is blue they’ll probably set fire to you
  • ghost whisperer(s)
  • their gods tend to hold grudges
  • seriously dont piss of their gods they will fuck you over
  • kind of in a bad place after most of their homeland literally exploded

BRETONS:

  • politics
  • will sell you for one cornchip
  • kind of the elves’ unwanted bastard child
  • secretly really good at magic
  • don’t like their rural cousins in the Reach very much

REDGUARDS:

  • will knock you on your butt
  • P I R A T E S
  • What’s that? You wanna invade their homeland? I’m sorry your authority isn’t recognized in Fort Kickass
  • wanna see a magic trick?
  • no
  • no they don’t

ARGONIANS:

  • lizard
  • can breathe underwater
  • history of getting fucked over by the dunmer
  • tree huggers
  • i still dont understand why their women got tiddies. but they do
  • maids: lusty

ORISMER:

  • mean green killing machines
  • literally trained from birth to hand your ass to you
  • isolate themselves a ot
  • not that they have to try because they get shit from literally everyone
  • master smiths
  • their god may be a bit of a dick sometimes but he looks out for his people
  • resting bitchface
The Signs as both Gods and Daedra.

Aries - Talos/Malacath

Strong, powerful, natural leaders on the battlefield, yet aggressive and boastful. Damns the weak.

Taurus - Zenithar/Clavicus Vile

Competitive, diligent, committed, and efficient, yet has tunnel vision. Seeks to get what they desire before they help others. 

Gemini - Julianos/Mephala

Curious and complex, yet cryptic and manipulative. A sewer of discord.

Cancer - Mara/Molag Bal

Loving, quick to compassion and loyalty, yet selfish. Those they love are theirs alone. 

Leo - Akatosh/Sanguine

Larger than life, decisive, honorable, yet loves to revisit their darkest desires. Sensual to a fault. 

Virgo - Vivec/Jygalaag

Desires to master any challenge that comes their way, yet obsessive. Disorder is not tolerated.

Libra - Stendarr/Mehrunes Dagon

Value justice, graceful, and non-violent, yet retain selfishness and vanity. Driven by strong ambition and may seek revolution if they do not agree. 

Scorpio - Arkay/Nocturnal

Innovators, eager, inquisitive, yet prone to sting first before asking questions. Joy, yet sorrow. Vast wealth of secrets, and very obsessive. 

Ophiuchus - Kynareth/Boethiah

Unity, impulsiveness, clever, yet defiant of authority. Whispers deceit when it suits them, and may found unity on lies. 

Sagittarius - Sotha Sil/Hermaeus Mora

Wisdom, mental wealth, brave, yet may strive for too great a goal. The search of knowledge may consume them for eternity. 

Capricorn - Kynareth/Hircine

Nature, the natural order, patient, yet arrogant. Sometimes cannot see beyond strength, speed, or cunning. 

Aquarius - Dibella/Meridia

Sincerity, love for humanity, determined, yet their understanding may cloud their reality. Hope for tomorrow that may be seen as heresy.

Pisces - Almalexia/Sheogorath

Selfless, faithful and intuitive. Their intentions may be lost in translation, or come about in very cryptic way. What you behold may not always be reality. 

Ever since I found out that khajiit morphology is based on the lunar cycles I just have… so many questions. Like, do they plan their conception really carefully so they know what kinda kid they’re gonna end up with? Because the possibilities range from “cat furry” to “basically an elf” to “remarkably intelligent housecat” to “a literal tiger” like… also how the fuck does pregnancy work when the breed is determined at the time of birth? Is there just one basic khajiit baby from which all possible khajiit babies can develop at birth?? What is the kinship system like between breeds?? Like, you’re an Ohmes and you can pass as a Bosmer except your parents are Suthay-raht straight up furries and your sister is an Alfiq that could pass for a housecat like, WHEN DO THEY HAVE THE TALK? Like,

“Son… we have some news. You’re not adopted, we’re your biological parents and also the cat is your sister.”

Monster Factory creations ranked by power

Rank: D

While very weak and lacking any good combat skills, Squirtle has great speed, accuracy, and potential to become stronger which prevents him from being an F

Rank: A

A cyborg cat mimicking the popular orange cartoon cat with extreme acrobatic, fighting capability, control over the internet, and no known weakness (besides Mondays), however he is far more focused on lasagna jpegs than actually fighting

Rank: C

Completely average in any way, the only advantage any of them have is in social situations and hierarchy (Special agent and a business man)

Rank: A

Similar to G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. D-Bomb sports extreme physical strength, extreme agility, and is unkillable, however unlike G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. D-Bomb is a remorseless kill far more focused on destruction and chaos than lasagna

Rank: B

An extraordinary wrestler created as a clone of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, while a mutated monster of the original he is far more powerful than the original

Rank: S

Possessed by an eldritch god, Truck has mutated far beyond what he once was, continuing to spread, an unstoppable being

Rank: C

A combination of Angela Lansbury and dinosaur DNA allows Dino-Lansbury to reign at C rank, while the average old person lies within the D rank, other than her hybrid body there is nothing extraordinary about her besides that her body is able to produce jam by eating fruit

Rank: D

Other than his shape shifting powers and sturdy body, the Boy-Mayor is very weak as he lives the mayor life, using his words over his fists, however due to his position as the mayor of Second Life, one should not confront him for various reasons

Rank: C

The strongest C rank on the list, while very acrobatic and powerful, his lack of using guns is what holds him back, however he shows much potential to continue without guns, he does have great influence over others as he was able to fully ban guns securing his spot as the strongest C rank

Rank: A

With extreme physical strength, extreme agility, knowledge of all existing spells, and the ability to clone himself and others, Chiquita Dave is the only creature able to fight with G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. and D-Bomb with both strength and numbers

Rank: S

An indestructible god capable of altering reality around her to the point of affecting other worlds, the strongest monster of them all, far more powerful than Truck, G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D., D-Bomb, and Chiquita Dave

Rank: F

It’s just Bart Simpson, anyone can beat Bart in a fight

Rank : B

Alone Randy is still a B and PanPan would be a simple D due to his weak body, however together they make and amazing team with Randy Johnson’s throwing capabilities and PanPan’s small body and pointed head, together they make a solid B rank

Rank: D

A small weak creature heavily affected by vaping, severely limiting her abilities

Rank: ?

Due to his limited screen time it is unknown how powerful he truly is, it is estimated he would be within the range of a high C to a mid B

Rank: B

A fairly strong beings, able to wield magic and the Steve Harvey Shield, the #Noid his a mid or even a high B rank, while able to collect Final Pam souls, this does not affect his rank

Rank: B

Almost as powerful as Dwayne “The Pebble” Johson, what Jorstin lacks in head durability he makes up for in rudeness and Honky Tonk mans

Rank: C

A weak C rank, low skill level at everything he tries, the very few fights he can win are against weaker opponents or by the skin of his teeth, good at shouting

Rank: C

Only remarkable things about Totino’s is his connection to the Boy-Mayor of Second Life and the ability to summon pizzas of varying sizes

Rank: B

A somewhat skilled Sly Cooper cosplaying warrior, proficient with a pole and at kicking people

Rank: D

Although he looks powerful, he is terrible at the king’s game: jolf

Rank: B

A very physically strong crime stopper that will stop at nothing to eat crime in the most nonviolent way possible, such as sending criminals to Dairy Queen

Rank: B

The successor to dogs, Jaa’m is superior to them in every way

Rank: B

Having the power of all of the Shrek movies combines, Shreck is a powerful creature on par with Jaa’m

Rank: B

An off shoot of the Shreck species, however they have not evolved to be a strong as the current Shreck line

Rank: B

A second subspecies of the Shreck line, usually found around Shrecks

Rank: A

Being the daughter of the legendary Final Pam and Parappa the Rapper Turbo Vicki is an extraordinary being, master at all sports and an unstoppable creature, even death can not stop her as she will reincarnate as her daughter

Rank: F

Dick Cheney is a weak old man who is terrible at sports