things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear // things said
he was made to be their perfect instrument, he knew that well. was it not their goal that he made his? he had fallen asleep, it seemed, the music fading in his head, darkness replacing gilded light. he’d known the price that he’d pay for his ideals, but he’d not expected this. it had been quite some time since he’d felt like this ( fully aware, but he couldn’t show it ), was this not what he’d felt like while they did their horrid tests?
‘ what’s its condition? ’ a voice cut through the silence ( that of an older male ), senses flaring but still, he felt disconnected. ‘ the arkheloid has a steady pulse, all central nervous systems seem to be active. ’ another voice, younger ( likely, a youth just hired )stop — i’m not your instrument, i’m alive, i’m alive — ‘ what about its peripheral system? why won’t it move? shock it again, professor otowa said that it has a body that functions just as any other naturally born human being. shock it again, raise the goddamn voltage if you have to. ’ the familiar sound of that device sent his mind into what could only be seen as anxiety, the following jolt felt like agony. ‘ anything? ’stop — it hurts — i’m not your instrument —‘ it feels the shock, but shows no ability to move otherwise. something’s wrong with its motor neurons. wait — ’
he heard commotion, faint murmurs, they were preparing for another test — ‘ wait, stop!! look at these scans, the arkheloid is displaying conscious brain activity. ’ this time, it was the voice of a young woman — ‘ mitsuru, that’s irrelevant, ’mitsuru… did she want them to stop hurting him? her comment seemed to cause more irritability in the other scientists than do any good — ‘ it’s a goddamn machine, mitsuru, you even helped design it. it can’t possibly be conscious, & even if it is, it’s a machine & all machines can be reset. ’mitsuru… she designed me… am i not human? i’m not a machine, i can feel — i’m here, i’m here — stop!!‘ you can’t reprogram anything that’s broken, we’re already behind schedule, right? we have to try something else before we’re back at square one!!’mitsuru… are you trying to protect me?‘ god dammit, if there’s no response with this sort of testing, try something else!! clearly, the alkheloid must be able to hear us, that’s the only way that these charts would look like this — why don’t we try something like music? ’ they played him music, his music & the golden light broke through the darkness —
he’d caught a glimpse of freedom, only to find himself shackled again, familiar sound flooding his senses ( this was not how his world was supposed to end, this was not the prelude that he’d yearned for ) — ❛ this is my music… ❜
❛ mitsuru — ❜ she looked at him with a terrible & twisted love in her eyes ‘ you said my name — you said my name for the first time — !!’
‘ my name is mitsuru, i’m going to give you music; they’re not going to do those tests anymore, they won’t hurt you anymore. i wonder… when you wake up, will you remember my name? i hope you do. i think i’d like it if you said my name, even if it’s only once. ’
When I first was introduced to Bigbang back in 2011 Im not gonna lie but I found GD the most interesting. Especially after watching his ‘Heartbreaker’ MV 😂 My friend had emailed a list of links to Bigbang vids and also the solo projects for each member. GD was first on the list so I guess maybe that was why??? Then I watched T.O.P’s 'Turn It Up’ and I was pretty meh about it the first time around (it eventually grew on me). She didn’t send anything for Daesung, Taeyang’s was 'Wedding Dress", and for Seungri she sent 'VVIP’ MV because she thought I would like the concept (at the time I was really into J-Pop and stuff. Even then I ended up not liking VVIP. OTL). Based on that email I became very GD & TOP biased. Then 2012 rolled around and I became greatly interested in TOP mainly because I related a lot to his personality and his deep booming voice, mayn. I also took the time to research a bit more about Bigbang as a group (at this time their solo works didn’t particularly catch my interest) because their music really got to me.
It was then when I attended Bigbang Alive concert in LA that I realized I was wrong all along. The moment Seungri graced us all with his presence and his fun and friendly personality and his incredible talent I fell in love. I left the venue head over heels in love with Seungri. I sat at home for weeks feeling beyond upset that I had never given the boy a chance based on my impression of one video. I didn’t take the time to research more on his solo projects back then. I never knew 'Strong Baby’ or 'What Can I Do’ and all his other songs of his freaking album existed until that concert! I felt like a blinded dumbass.
Although each of the members have their talents and their own charms, it didn’t compare to how I felt about Seungri. After reading more about his life, his struggles, his will to learn and to live life to the full extent, I felt admiration. I don’t care what people say, he has his flaws but he has a lot of strengths that make me wish I were more like him. Seungri is the kind of person I wish to be, the kind that puts themselves before others and that regardless of his insecurities he still has a smile on his face ready to take the world head on. The kind of person that goes beyond the limit to learn and see how much more they can do.
Long story short, Seungri is my lord and savior who’s word has saved me from eternal damnation. Amen.
Ok no, but really. I feel so dumb because I was very shallow before. My mind was set on GD & TOP but their style doesn’t fit me in the least. Their music is great, they are great. But Seungri is far greater in my heart ❤️ I love his catchy beats and his sweet voice. It makes me upset when he hardly gets lines in songs. I think that was another reason why I slept on the boy before. I realized that Seungri wasn’t able to show his full capabilities. That is why I am super excited for his new album :O I want to hear my boy sing SIIIIING!!!
If Seungri ever sees this I want him to know that my biggest regret in life will forever be the fact that I thought I was a TOP stan, when in reality Seungri should have always been #1 😭👻 I will repent for my sins.
Anyways that is all I have to say :’D I don’t even know why I am doing it. 😂😂😂
Okay in what universe does this make sense. This is the the third time I read TOP calling SeungRi materialistic. TOP, the person privately collecting art pieces for his own enjoyment, calling SeungRi, the person creating jobs for people through his business, materialistic. TOP who loves art,a material possession,more than people (and in some cases his band mates). But somehow because SeungRi wants to be successful at his business ventures he is wrong. How is this allowed to continue to be okay?
T.O.P is sometimes really wise and introspective and at other times he just talks total crap (see: his tantrum at Youngbae for filming him in the shower…)
I think he really does worry about Seungri/doesn’t quite feel comfortable with Seungri’s big and scary non-Bigbang world. Baby…grew…up? Maybe they had a heart to heart about it or maybe Seungri just deals with T.O.P’s art snob jokes and inwardly his eyeballs are rolling out of his face and down the street and into traffic.