To all of you who think that a relationship will solve all of your problems
My words are shallow, and I know how bitter I am, but I’ll still write this. I went through countless years of feeling completely alone and self-hate. My first relationship was both wonderful and terrible, and we fought almost every day, breaking up again and again. One time, I simply thought ‘that’s it, he’s not going to forgive me this time. It’s over’ and I was so terrified that I wanted to kill myself. Because how could I live without him? My best friend called the police, and I’m still here. A few months later, he broke up for the last time and I forced myself so hard to accept it. I don’t even have any memories of that time, it must have been horrible.
But that’s when I met my second boyfriend, and I ended up with him because he was always there for me when I didn’t have anyone else. I don’t know how we ended up together, but at some point he told me that he didn’t want me as a friend. And like this, I was somehow forced to keep this relationship in order to keep him in my life. The only bad thing about that was that I kind of paid with sex. From the second time on, I got panic attacks pretty fast, probably because I hate my own body so much that I always need an armor around it. I laid there and suddenly, I could only think that I want it to stop, feeling too vulnerable. But I never said anything - I just started to cry silently, and then I couldn’t breathe normal, and long after he had stopped, I screamed and punched the wall. I can’t even blame him for anything because he never forced me and sometimes I started it myself, but I still felt like it was my job. After all I was dumped by someone once because I didn’t want to have sex with that person.
My third boyfriend lied to me. Lied to me to get me out of his house, saying he needed to go somewhere. Lied to me about why he didn’t talk to me for days. Told me it was so hard to bear with me, because of my illness. I pulled myself together SO HARD.
I fell in love with a stranger, but couldn’t stop myself. Telling him was a mistake. Whenever he was in the same room I couldn’t eat and gave my fork away because I wanted to stab my arm with it, unable to stand the emotional pain.
I had a girl that never really broke up with her boyfriend, so I don’t even know what I was. She didn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable while watching her sitting on the lap of another girl because all the chairs were taken, and everyone made lesbian jokes. I pushed all of my feelings in a dark corner when she decided that she didn’t want a relationship with me, and that I killed our friendship. Whenever she appears in my dreams, I run like hell. That was my strategy to get over her. And my most important thought: Fuck it if she doesn’t want me, because I have friends I get along with well. I’m not alone at all. I’ve survived every breakup.
There were countless good moments in my relationships, but they always ended bad. Heartbreaks kill you and haunt you in your dreams.
I want to love myself instead of needing someone else for that job. I don’t want to depend on others, that always kills you. I was always searching for that kind of love, and I think most people do. Love from someone else because we can’t do that. Being the most important person, for the same reasons. And yes, I also know those people that you call your best friends while you’re not theirs, and I hate it. I’m the most important person in my life! When everyone else has left, I’ll be there, for myself. And I’m sick of fairytales and almost everything in this world telling me that love is the key to everything. Because parents, friends, animals, everyone can love you. It doesn’t need to be a relationship.
And if you aim for one, like I might still do myself, then aim for one that raises you even further than you can on your own. And there will always, always, always be another person waiting, you’re no fortune teller.
-A kind of mad Freddie that wants to befriend every single one of you, just to show you that you’re not alone and stop you from doing shit
hey you know what makes me furious? all the negative portrayals of Christians in fiction media. We’re not supposed to be hateful and intolerant of every little flaw, we’re not supposed to just /say/ we’re Christians and then do things like cuss have affairs and just… s i n without caring about it. That’s how SO many people write Christians, and it’s inaccurate to how we’re supposedto act and downright infuriating.