One Direction as Mallory Ortberg’s “Things I’ve Learned About Heterosexual Female Desire From Decades Of Reading”

Most women cannot distinguish between the feeling of “love” and what happens when a young male has floppy hair that falls over his eyes; truly lovable men have eyes hidden so deeply behind a cascade of floppy chestnut hair they are effectively blind

It’s good if a man is skittish and terrified of affection, like a beautiful horse that appears on the edge of a frozen lake one day and you have to tame it by bringing it a handful of food every day until it slowly comes to learn your scent (but with sex)

Women only love men with CROOKED SMILES, a man who smiles with his mouth all in a straight line might as well be DEAD; a male smile should resemble nothing on earth so much as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Lombard Street, a lightning bolt, a scarecrow with a broken neck, or two palm trees leaning against each other to form a big “X”

Whenever possible, a man should have a cruel mouth, particularly if he has blue eyes – the bluer the eyes, the crueler the mouth; a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide

If he can’t have a cruel mouth, he should have strong and callused hands, sort of rough but surprisingly gentle, like if it turned out his hands were actually made of doves, and he should be sort of dim but incredibly dedicated to you, he should be so dumb he can’t remember fractions but every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed out of oak and devotion and needs to have wordless but noisy sex on the hour and also needs help signing his own name

(text source)


b1a4 appreciation week // day 2 - favorite ot5 moment(s)
Besides their first win, I was drawing a blank on my favorite ot5 moment. There were so many different things - the way they hug after wins and after concerts, the way they have fun with each other, the way they support each other. In the end, I just made this little compilation of some of those moments~ 

“I gotta ask,” he says, meeting the others’ inquiring faces, “is there always that much drama?”

Liam and Harry share a look, before breaking out in smiles. Liam wraps his arms around Niall’s shoulders and steers him inside.

“Welcome to the upper east side.”

or; the gossip girl au absolutely no one asked for