are you aware of asexuals. you should be, now is the time to become aware.
I am very aware of asexuals. Some people choose not to acknowledge them, for the same reason we all ignore ghosts, most lizards, and monarchies. As they fear their divine rights to have an absolute rule over us.
How am I to sign up for the Sheriff's Secret Police?
The tablets at City Hall will have your name etched into them should you be eligible to be a member of The Sheriff’s Secret police. However to be a volunteer one must scribe their name on the adjacent tablet in blood. (TIP: If you want to impress the fellow members of TSSP don’t use your own blood)
how do you tell another person that you have a crush on them?
Pass them notes. Pass them friendly glances. Pass them in dark halls just outside the corner of their eyes. Pass them up on their assumptions that you’re following them with a casual, “Who me? Nah!” Pass them a gun and whisper, “Run they’re after us.” Run forever. You are partners now.
Set fire to their photographs. If all their photographs are in your phone then set fire to their family garden gargoyles. The gargoyles may start singing sad songs but it will be a nice soundtrack to your feelings.
None of my family know that I have a girlfriend. What should I do?
Continue having a girlfriend. Add it to your list of secrets along with your secret pet squid, your secret other body, your secret quail that speaks Latin, your secret other family. Sometimes secrets are okay.
The moans and whispers my fridge makes at night are starting to leak into the day. Do you think my fridge is sick?
No. But whoever eats that kale that you clearly left in the fridge for too long will be. Everyone knows that unattended kale will oftentimes leak, moan, and whisper songs about death and heartbreak due to its bad shelf life.