1. Trying to find something to use as a bookmark besides used alcohol wipes and iv tape
2. Nurse: Haha Janelle you’re an inspiration for us all
Me: My butt is showing in this hospital gown
3. Housekeeping lady: I’m going to be your favorite person today because I won’t be stabbing you with needles
Me: You’re the backbone of this hospital and don’t let anyone tell you any different.
4. Nurse: What’s your pain level?
Me: 6 I guess, I’ve felt worse.
Me: *slams book closed* I’m too dizzy to read my pain level is now 10
5. urine and bowel movements are topic number one
6. Knowing your status, getting medical answers, finding a doctor in a hospital: filed as x-file
7. Complimentary mug
8. Me a to nutritionist: may I have some fruit crisp (as listed on menu)?
*45 minutes later*
Room service to me: we didn’t have any fruit crisp so we brought you banana creme pie
Me: *cries on pie*
9. *hears person vomiting next door*
Me: does the person next door have C Diff???
Me: I’m on broad spectrum antibiotics????
*30 minutes later*
Nurse: the hospitalist wants you to be treated for C diff as precaution
10. Nurse: YOU HAVE HOW MANY CHILDREN???
Me: It’s not as bad as people make it out to be. They don’t run around the house naked and screaming you know, I do that.
11. THE LINE HAS AN OCCLUSION. ALWAYS. ALWAYS SCREAMING.
12. Nurse: Can you explain your vision problems?
Me delirious: my eyes won’t zoom in or out
*1 hour later*
Nurse to doctor: she says her eyes have problems zooming in and out
Me: also my other symptom is stupidity
13. Nurse: Do you want to take a shower?
Me: oh yes please!
Nurse: okay here are some warm wipes, leave in shampoo, and a comb