As I closed the door shut behind me, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I was trying to get my thoughts together, to get my feelings in check. No matter how invested I was in this man, I still had 25 other people I needed to look after. I couldn’t break now. So with the scent of his sisters perfume still clinging to my shoulders, I walked back to the nurses station. I didn’t make it. You placed both of your hands upon my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said, “hey, come on.” I didn’t even protest. The only thing keeping me anchored was the press of your hand to the small of my back as you lead me to the smoking area. I was on autopilot. We went outside and you lit me a cigarette. And we just sat. In silence. You let me breathe and calm down and focus, and all the while you were there to offer your comfort. And when we turned to go back inside, you hugged me tightly and I buried my head in your chest and you didn’t tell me any cliche bullshit like, “you did your best” or “he’s going to a better place” or “at least you made sure that he’s comfortable and at peace”. You just held me. In that moment I have never felt more complete.
So I know I said adolescent psychiatric nursing...
…but I’d really like to find a job in surgery. I’ve been in the OR twice and I liked all aspects of surgery. Pre-op, circulating, PACU, recovery. I wouldn’t mind waking up early for that and not getting 40 hour weeks.
When I first decided to go into nursing, I was still unsure that it was where I was supposed to be. Nursing had always felt like my mother’s job, her passion, her place. And even when I had finished all my prereq classes and done some job shadowing I was still unsure. I was still unsure on the first day of orientation and even during my first clinical rotation. I was unsure through psych and community nursing and even OB which I thought I would love. And then in one moment, I suddenly felt that I belong. I found pediatrics. I found my passion, my place, where I belong.
I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment I realized pediatrics was right, except last week I walked into clinicals and felt more confident than I ever have. I finally felt competent. For the first time in my life, I felt that I was actually in the right place at the right time. I belong.
I love the colors, the cartoons, the stickers…but most of all I love the hope. Children bring an enormous amount of hope with them into a hospital and I feel that when I walk in.
I found my place. And I can’t wait to begin my career.
Things are crazy at work. I was literally at work every day this week (classes, OT, etc). Ya know, flu season. It’s the busiest time in any Pediatric ICU. Also just finished orienting a brand new nurse to our unit (Huzzah!), and I am now officially a Cardiac Pediatric Nurse! (Double huzzah!)
Sorry for those who are in school/thinking about school and looking for some advice and/or asking questions that I never had the chance to answer. I’ll be better from now on, I promise!