numb but i still feel it

I’ve had a head canon for a while that Shiro dislikes having his scars touched. Not just for hating how his body looks and trauma reasons, but also because many of his scars are numb and dips into/under the rest of the skin. When he knows someone is touching one and he can’t feel it or see it, he starts getting disturbing thoughts, like what if they’re touching the bone beneath or pulling it open again. It’s not about trusting the other person, but not trusting the soundness of his own body.

I’d really like to see a porn/body worship fic, where Keith has to work around this while still convincing Shiro he finds him attractive.

I look for you everywhere. Even in places I know you won’t be. I still look because i keep hoping that maybe one day you just might come back to me.
—  D…
melodrama (track by track)

green light: the haunting revelation of being free after the break up. but you don’t know what to do with that freedom. it’s frightening and beautiful and inspiring and it makes you lonely and excited all at once. you want to dance with friends and scream out the car window but you hit every red light just at the mere thought of ever moving on.

sober: depression and anxiety is wasting away your youth. you live for the weekend to come. you live for any kind of buzz. you sleep until the bright orange afternoon creeps into your window. but the night is always there for you. the parties, the confetti and the blue lights that rain down, is all worth it in the moment. until you realize you’re all alone.

homemade dynamite: all your decisions and all your actions are self destructive. every bottle of liquor you finish and every house you destroy, you know it’s a form of self hate. but it’s how you cope through all the bullshit.

the louvre: a evening drive through the city with your lover. the day is warm and the tar on the road is hot. the window is down and the air feels liberating. you want to love them forever. but it’s a sunday and your stomach sinks and nothing lasts forever. and now your at a house party months later and everyone is high and the music is booming and you see your ex across the room and you feel like you know no one there and you want to hide away so you leave and no one notices anyways.

liability: you blame the break up on all your insecurities. you blame it all on the way you’d call them every night crying. you think that maybe your sadness is contagious. you should’ve known to sterilize yourself from the start.

hard feelings/loveless: you pack up everything that belonged to them and put it into a box. you practice not having their name on your tongue. you attempt to forget the taste of them. you consider holding on and staying friends, but that anger overrules and you throw that box off the highway bridge. you’re over the aching and now you moved onto the hard feelings. you want to blame them for everything. summer nights are too long. mornings are empty without their texts of “good morning” and you taste this endless nostalgia for the rest of your life. but you don’t let them see this side of you. you let them see the anger. you let them think you’re indestructible.

sober II: growing up with drama stuffed inside of you like all the drugs and alcohol you consume, is tiring. you go through the motions and you nod to their questions and laugh at their jokes. but you know that this misery and that this young love is timeless. so you continue to go through the expected motions.

writer in the dark: that hollow ache in your chest when you realize that the break up is permanent, that this feeling of loss is forever. that nervous ache as you stalk their snapchat and Instagram and any other social media outlet, trying to see if they found someone else. that obsessive need to know if they still miss you, if they still love you and need you. that sickening feeling that makes you numb as you send them text after text but they never reply.

supercut: all the memories are blurry footage winding through your head. the time you ran down the hill, drunk. the time you said “I love you.” the time you looked at them on the roof of the car while you thought “I’m gonna be with you forever..” all the memories are fast forwarding and rewinding and pausing in your head and it is perfect and it is never going to happen again.

liability (reprise): you warned them from the very start. but did you ever listen when they warned you?

perfect places: everyone has a perfect place that is their getaway. but the reason for getting away isn’t perfect. it’s ugly and damaging and it’s cold nights like this that make you realize that nothing will ever be perfect. only for the moment will it seem like a person or a place can be your sanctuary. but the feeling never goes away. remember that.

Official Graveyard Shift Lyrics

Rats
Well Mrs. Pharmacist / I insist / fix me up with something quick
I’ve been a bad little boy and I think i’m getting sick
Sick to the bone / slave to the flesh
Better put on my Sunday’s best      
I’ve been bad little boy… little boy

I’ve got a dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty little secret
And I’m not not not sure that I wanna keep it
So we feed ourselves lies to submit to the shadows
Cause we just wanna dance under our pretty perfect halos

Everyone’s got a secret
Whats yours? whats yours?
Don’t be shy, i’ll never repeat it  

Oh Mrs. Pharmacist / if I resist / lock me up and bind my wrists
You’ve been a bad little girl…. little girl.    
Close your eyes and listen close
I know just how much you love it
If you speak you lose your turn
So shut your mouth before I fuck it

Everyone’s got a secret
Tell me all about yours

Love. Hate.
Oh how we play the game
Cold soul
No sense of self control
Love. Hate.
Unsure to pass or play
Cold soul / now  we’re out of control

Roses are red, and my heart is black
We creep about the floor to indulge like Rats
Enraptured, we walk to nurse our obsession
Cause the roles that we play are paved with cruel intentions

Well  Mrs. Pharmacist… If you insist

I’ve got a dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty little secret
And I’m not not not sure that I wanna keep it
So we feed ourselves lies to submit to the shadows
And I just wanna shake you by your little perfect fucking halo

Everyone’s got a secret
Whats yours? whats yours?
Don’t be shy, i’ll never repeat it.


Queen For Queen
If you wanna soar with vultures, you’ll have to swallow bone
The saint charade is over / plastic royalty exposed
You wanna play the victim, to preach upon your throne                                  
No semblance of virtue as your relevance erodes

We go queen for queen  and move just like this

When you fall down
Will you back out
As you crawl through life with no crown?
Though you preach love, you package lies
Just a pawn in a kings disguise

I never said I’m perfect, there’s a guilt behind these eyes
So check me If it helps you fall asleep at night

Your skeletons are building / your closet’s getting tight
Are you the prey or spider in the web of all your lies?

When you fall down
Will you back out
As you crawl through life with no crown?
Though you preach love, you package lies
Just a pawn in a kings disguise

Don’t stop breathing in the chemicals
You don’t know humble… though you play the role
Pockets of evergreen are your amphetamine
Please stop feeding what you can’t control

YOU’LL FALL.
You’ll bend, you’ll break, (you’ll) trip over your “fame”
Be careful, or you’ll run your mouth off your face


Necessary Evil (Feat. Jonathan Davis)
Strip off the weight of morality, and check it at the door
I’ll show you the worst in me
…what i’ve become
 
Blow out the candles I need not a wish
For I am everything
Now crawl to my boots and lick
Kneel before me

Imma have my cake and fucking eat you too.

It’s my party and i’ll die when I want to, die when I want to, die when I want to
The monster you’ve made is wearing the crown
I’ll be the king and you be clown
I’ll take the blame (and) parade it around.
You’ve made me the villain you can’t live without.

Reciting violence like poetry
No you can’t sit with us
Too fashionably plain  
Now say my name
Forget everything you think you knew of who I used to be
I look much better as… as the enemy

Imma have my fucking cake and eat yours too.

I want you low
I won’t let you die
(I’ll) keep you alive
Just to remind you of what you are not

It’s my party and i’ll die when I want to
you wanna see me fail, but I won’t die for you.


Soft
You’re mine motherfucker

Let me begin with envy’s a sin
You’ll have to find new words to invent
Cause I’ve heard your broken record, and i’m not impressed

I love when you talk, I just use it to drive me
I won’t let your judgement define me
I’m not broken, so don’t fix me
I want you to hate me

Tell me what you’ve lost
Hang me on your cross
If you’re so wise, then why are you so Soft?
Do you leave your “throne” as you cast your stones?              
I’m above living under your microscope

I’m insane, I’m “insane in the membrane”
I wanna fuck your face with a switchblade
I’m not broken, so don’t fix me
I’ll leave you behind me

Internet killed the video star

Cry baby cry baby, did I just hear you whimper?
Cry baby cry…
Suck my middle fucking finger

Cry baby / Cry baby
What have you done lately?
Cry baby / Cry baby  
What have you done?

Tell me what you’ve lost.
Demonize my flaws
Do they call you when dumb needs a mascot?
Do you leave your “throne” as you cast your stones?              
I’m above living under your microscope

You dilate / god of your existence
Begging me to listen while you “pray”
Swallow in vain / sliver spoon religion
Closer from a distance

You’re mine motherfucker


Untouchable
They try to bend / they try to break me by design
But I am the nightmare that will haunt you in the light

If it’s war that you want… then I’m ready to play
And the world’s gonna know my name

Through everywhere that I go
Every failure I’ve owned
Every crack in my bones
I’m Untouchable
Like a sleeping grenade
Built to blow you away
Pull the pin… I explode
I’m Untouchable.

Born of the ground I dug myself out from the dirt
With every scar I will avow to shake the earth

Unless it’s blood that you want.. then get the fuck out my way
Cause the world’s gonna scream my name

I will never be silenced
I will eclipse the pain

You can’t let it go      
(It’s) the price that we pay
But I own the grave from which I came
You reap what you sow
We don’t bleed the same  
Cause I own the rights to my own fate
And i’ll sleep a king on my deathbed

Through everywhere that I go
Every failure i’ve owned
Every crack in my bones
I’m Untouchable
Like a sleeping grenade
Built to blow you away
Pull the pin… I Explode
I’m Untouchable.

Every mile from home
Every failure I’ve owned
Every crack in my bones
I’m Untouchable
Like a sleeping grenade
Built to blow you away
Pull the pin… I Explode
I’m Untouchable.


Not My Type: Dead As Fuck 2
She’s got no soul / heart black as coal
She’s from Hollywood Forever / dug her out of a hole
And here we go again / spinnin me in her web
She said “there’s just no rest for the queen of the dead”

Another trick to treat with candy apple dreams
Gonna rot her teeth cause i’m so sweet
One lick to rule them all
They crumble as they crawl

She loves me cause I like to give head like a zombie
(I) eat eat eat till her insides are on me
She loves me cause I give head like a zombie
(I) eat eat eat and nobody’s gonna stop me
And in the glow of the pale moonlight
She goes for a spin on my haunted hayride
Tried out the living but I don’t believe the hype  
Cause if she’s got a pulse, then she’s not my type.

She’s got a temper in stock / made of hemlock
Uses absinthe as a lip gloss
Death hawk / fresh New Rock’s                              
She’ll use your corpse as a catwalk

She’ll use your corpse as a catwalk
Plays truth or dare in the mirror
Uses absinthe as a lip gloss
Undead, but won’t shed a tear

She’s my graveyard baby
She’s my……

She loves me cause I like to give head like a zombie
(I) eat eat eat till her insides are on me
She loves me cause I give head like a zombie
(I) eat eat eat and nobody’s gonna stop me
And in the glow of the pale moonlight
She goes for a spin on my haunted hayride
Tried out the living but I don’t believe the hype  
Cause if she’s got a pulse, then she’s not my type.

D- E - A - D  
If she’s got a pulse, then she’s not my type.


The Ladder
Tragedy / a poisonous lover
You infiltrate to destroy
Vanity / a cancer unforgiving
A charlatan with poise  

Fool me once / enough is enough
Was I more than a step on your way up?
Hollowed out /  I’ve no semblance of love
Now you’re just somebody that I used to fuck.

Lest we learn / the tables turn / so i’m betting out / I’m betting out.
You can be the prey in your masquerade, but i’m getting out / i’m getting out
There’s nothing left to repair

Ravenous / self righteous and lurid
But how much more till you break?
Scavenger / so fucking undeserving
You slither in just to take what you can take

Counterfeit / I’m calling your bluff
Was I more than just a step on your way up?
Now you’ll burn and you’re flesh out of luck
Now you’re just somebody that I used to fuck

Lest we learn / the tables turn / so i’m betting out / I’m betting out.
You can be the prey in your masquerade, but i’m getting out / i’m getting out
Against insight I fed your source of revenue
But now, it means nothing to me to mean anything to you

Open grave /  I was too blind to see
That “love”, spelled to you, is “F A M E”

You fuck your way up the ladder
Going down on your way to the top
Do your arms ever tire?
Or do they heal while you climb with your mouth?  

Delete Everything
Sever the yearning / you can keep the fucking ring
Delete Everything
You can keep the fucking ring

Nothing left to repair.


Voices
Voices in my head again
Trapped in a war inside my own skin
They’re pulling me under.

I’ve swallowed myself but the fever remains
I’m numb to the pleasure but still feel the pain      
If I showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?
If I told you the truth, would you dare me to lie?  

I keep it all inside because I know that man is every thing but kind

Voices in my head again
Beating me in a war I can’t win  
I can hear them now
Trapped in a game inside my own skin
And I don’t know myself anymore
They’re pulling me under
Voices

As I walk through this valley of shadows and death
I curse not the “wicked”, I praise not the “blessed”
If I told you the truth, you’d beg me to change
If fear were a currency, you’d own the bank

I don’t want to live so calloused and frozen / ugly and hopeless
I don’t want to live forever, I just want to live right now
You can’t take me from me

I keep it all inside because I know that man is everything but kind


LOUD (Fuck It)
You gotta be loud / You gotta be rude / so the world can hear you
You gotta be crass / You gotta be cold / it’s everything we know
Turn it up turn it up now

Another day, a double shot of hate
Drink it up like gasoline
Underpaid, you graduate, to build somebody else’s dream

With a noose as a tie… do you fantasize of a much different life?  
The fix for who they want you to be / directly streamed to your TV

And when they turn their backs on you…

You gotta be loud / You gotta be rude / so the world can hear you
You gotta be crass / You gotta be cold / it’s everything we know
Turn it up turn it up now
Loud / Rude / When nobody hears you
You gotta stand up / You gotta commit
Say “Fuck It”, make the best of it

A broken home you’re trying to mend
You’ve got one day left to pay the rent
We’re not sure, but we believe in the lie… that it’ll all be fine, when we die

It’s so easy to grant the mirror power to control what you want to erase                      
Don’t become another victim / “Put a smile on that face”

You gotta be loud / You gotta be rude / so the world can hear you
You gotta be crass / You gotta be cold / it’s everything we know
Turn it up turn it up now
Loud / Rude / When nobody hears you
You gotta stand up / You gotta commit
Say “Fuck It”, make the best of it

The money’s in the treatment, baby, not in the cure
So they fuel your pain with fear and shame and then hand you a brochure
The money’s in the treatment, baby, not in the cure
So they build you up to watch you fall and then beg for an encore

What are you waiting for?


570
Burn it down / brick by brick / Made in 2006
Lost and found / losing grip /  I needed this
Question me not, for I gave up everything
Forget me not, cause I’ve not forgotten what this means

Strip me down, tear me apart, you’ll find one theme left
No sign of stopping till my veins rust
Strip me down, tear me apart, you’ll find one thing left
I fucking know where I came from

..And nothing can replace those lessons learned
as I stood with my brothers on the side of the road
No longer haunted by the skeletons
No longer haunted by the past

For so long, it’s all i’ve known
I’m crossing over the undertow
For so long, no one was listening
Determined to make their deaf ears ring

Miles repeat / my worst enemy… is me.
But then four soon became six… to shatter the canvas
Handed nothing / loss pulling the strings
Outlived the dead trends / united by distance

I’ve been to hell and back, with no promise of return
So I made friends with fire, to keep from getting burned
No money, no sleep. dedication
10 years on the road this is sacred
And when i’m facing a wall, I do not quit
…Cause if you mean it, you will make it.

Pulled apart in a world so demanding
I’m still here, still standing
I’ve sweat blood from Stockholm to Scranton
Still here, still standing.

You can always rinse the surface, but the stain will remain

For so long, it’s all i’ve known
I’m crossing over the undertow
For so long no one was listening
I did my time

You live / you learn / you defy the terms, but this house will be my home
Beguiled / betrayed / it’s the price we pay, as trust will be our tomb

If you mean it, you’ll make it.


Hourglass
I’ve watched the whole world drowning in chemicals
Dissociative / but it takes it’s toll
Can I surpass time, or would I start to rust?
Depreciating / collecting dust

And I fear myself as I fall away  
In a cold deluded sense of fate
When the nightmares come, and the doubt sets in
Will the fever break, or will I burn from within?  

It’s too late to feel, I’ve lost my breath
With the hands of time around my neck
Am I more than the pen that wrote the past?
Or am I just the sand enslaved by the Hourglass?

Will I live again, or will I fade to black?    
Dehumanizing / when the heart attacks      
Will I expire before my dreams unfold?
But if the futures so bright, the path should glow

As the walls melt
and the light fades
I’m letting quicksand take me

If you look beyond the blindfold
You’ll find the hole in my soul
One fear, one mind, no hope, no time
If you look beyond the blindfold
You’ll find the hole in my soul

I’m on the edge of my seat
Holding out for a sign
Trying to rewrite the storyline

It’s too late to feel, I’ve lost my breath
With the hands of time around my neck
Am I more than the pen that wrote the past
Or am I just the sand encased in the Hourglass?

Fear is not my fate


Eternally Yours
Blow the bridge to the past / wipe the fingerprints
Melt your heart encased in wax / steal it with a kiss
Our fate engraved / scar enslaved / as we mutually destruct
Repose, my love, i’ve sinned enough for the both of us

In the name of love…..

I’m ready to bury all of my bones
I’m ready to lie but say I won’t
So tell me your secrets / and join me in pieces
To rot in this garden made of stones
Eternally yours

I feed like you taught me and selflessly swallow
We coalesce in darkness, so selfishly hollow
Examine the wreckage / writhing in tempo
Invisible anguish casting a shadow  

and in the name of love…

I’m ready to bury all of my bones
I’m ready to lie but say I won’t
So tell me your secrets / and join me in pieces
To rot in this garden made of stones
Eternally yours

As we rest in pieces, though I know not your name
I would suffer forever to absolve all your pain

And in the name of love

I’m ready to bury all of my bones
I’m ready to lie but say I won’t
So tell me your secrets / and join me in pieces
To rot in this garden made of stones
Eternally yours

I’m ready to bleed to make amends
And sleep in this dirt we call our bed
So tell me your secrets / and join me in pieces
To fall and rewrite the bitter end
Eternally yours

I’m more than willing to rot in hell with you.

Since I’ve been traipsing around a different continent for the past three months, I haven’t even seen the rest of the season and the finale… but let me tell you what happens anyway after last night’s Apparent Clusterfuck:

As Dean Winchester stands next to his prone angel, morbidly fascinated by the ash wings burned into the ground around his feet, he feels completely and utterly numb. He’s only had the presence of mind not to step on them, an easy thing given the fact that they’re so bare of feathers.

Carefully, and still without thinking, the hunter lowers himself to his knees, brow furrowed and lip trembling as he attempts to process what is clearly right before him.

Castiel is dead.

Still, Dean can’t help extending a shaking hand. His fingers gently trace the curve of Cas’s cheekbone in a way he never would have allowed himself if the other was still breathing, and despite the fact that his mouth feels like sandpaper and he can feel Castiel’s skin turning cold he asks the question anyway:

“…C-Cas?”

Dean can feel Sam staring holes through his back, but that’s the extent of any response to his query.

“Cas, wake up.”

His voice is a broken croak, but Dean keeps speaking anyway, turning bolder and more desperate with every second that reality sinks in.

“Cas? Castiel, wake up. Wake up, Cas! Cas!”

He’s pawing at his angel now, vision blurring until he has to blink to clear it. He all but throws himself across Castiel’s torso to uselessly slap at his cheeks in an attempt to rouse him.

“You stupid son of a bitch, wake up! Wake up, Castiel! Don’t you dare leave me, don’t…”

Castiel is still motionless when Dean collapses against him. “Don’t go,” the hunter whispers pitifully into his angel’s neck. He squeezes his eyes shut and swallows a sob. “Please. I… Cas, I…” His heart is in his throat as he turns his head to press a light kiss behind the other’s ear, moving to put his lips against Castiel’s own for the first and last time. “…I love you, you dumb angel,” he murmurs. “So you gotta wake up. Cas. Cas, I love you, so you hafta…”

When nothing happens, Dean curls himself over his angel and cries.

Sam joins him after a time, crouching to put a hand to his shoulder and blinking back tears himself. Soon, though, they have to go. “Dean. Dean, we have to get out of here.”

“Sammy, I–”

“I know. It’ll be okay.”

But when they both turn away from Cas for the first time, God isn’t who they’re expecting to find. In all honesty, they’re not expecting to find anyone… and yet, there he is: Chuck, dressed in a robe and stained pj pants.

“You love my son?” Is all he asks, piercing gaze boring into Dean. Dean takes a step back as if to protect Castiel’s form from his own father, and that apparently is good enough. Chuck nods sagely. “I don’t play favourites, you know,” he says. “I did that once with Lucifer and it didn’t end well… but Castiel is, different. He’s everything I didn’t know I wanted angels to be. He makes mistakes. He learns. And yet every time I bring him back, he ends up risking his life for you.”

Dean holds his breath. Chuck sighs. “I love my son, I would give him the world if I could.” There’s a beat, and Chuck tilts his head to the side. “But we’ve both seen what happens when he has unlimited power. Besides, at the end of the day… I think he really just wants you.”

And then God is gone.

Dean is confused for only a moment before there’s a gasping breath from behind him and a hacking cough, Castiel sitting upright and flushed and so very alive that Dean can do nothing but throw himself to the ground. He tackles Cas in a kiss before the other has time to say a word, pressing him to the floor and putting everything he is into the contact.

When he pulls away, Cas is bright red and smiling with the approximate wattage of the sun. “Dean,” he murmurs, awed. “I’m… I mean, I…”

Dean presses a finger to the other’s plump lips. “I love you,” he says simply.

And Castiel moves to kiss him again.

you are my sunshine (i tried)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

Error felt at ease with the soft sound of inks voice filling his ears(?) in a calming matter. Error was laying on his back with his head in inks lap slowly getting rocked back and forward while ink was sing a familiar tune which seemed to put all errors nerves into a relaxed mode as he just laid there with his eyes closed listening to the voice he loved most.

You make me happy when skies are gray

error wanted to smile at the cheesy song ink was singing maybe tease him about it a little. But when he tried to open his mouth words didn’t come out, only a little whimper got escape his teeth. Error frowned. why couldn’t he speak? and why did he throat hurt? Error thought to himself as he started noticing the burning feeling at the bottom of his neck which was slowly making its way up to his mouth.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Error tried to move so he could get up and maybe get a drink but he could only move his fingers and maybe lift his arms a little. He felt heavy so heavy what’s going on? Ink why can’t I move?  He tried again so speak, to move, anything but all he could do was open his eyes a little and see inks blurry from above him.

Please don’t take my sunshine aw-ay

his voice broke on the last word, followed by a soft sob which were slowly growing louder and louder. Was ink … crying? Error started panicking a little now, ink almost never cried. Ink starts mumbling soft words in between his sobs, error could only make out few of the words. “I’m … sorry ……… error ….. hang ……. say…….don’t die” die? Was somebody dying? Is that why in was crying? Oke stupid question that was probably what was going on, but who how could be the person ink would cry over like this? … unless

The it hit error, memories came flooding back into his mind. The argument between them, ink going after error, hiding in another au not wanting to confront ink, the angry people wanting error away, the mean words, not being able to escape, the hit.

Error was dying.      

No.

No, he can’t. he doesn’t want to die, not jet. Fear took over errors senses, fear of leaving this world alone, fear of leaving ink alone. He doesn’t want to go now he finally has something to hold dear.

He tried to move again, to reach up or get a hold on something, anything. but he only became painfully aware of how numb his body really was, like every body part was asleep and never walking up again with a thick heavy blanket over himself that he couldn’t push of. And it was slowly getting worse, starting by his toots making its way up bit by bit.

Ink must have noticed how error was struggling, because he gently lifted his head out of his lap careful not to jolts him and moved him a bit higher up to his face, this way error could see ink clearly even though at that moment he wish he couldn’t.

Inks face did bring a sense of clam over error but a wave of sadness as well. Ink had his eyes almost closed, tears constantly seeping out from the little space they could and slowly making their way down his cheeks dripping into his scarf and sometimes on error.

With his the little energy he had error tried to speak again, maybe now he was closer to ink he could actually hear him. So he opened his mouth and spoke in a breathy barely audibly voice.

“ink”

Inks eyes snapped open looking down to error with big eyes as if he couldn’t believe he was still alive much less speaking to him.

“error you’re awake”

Ink spoke in a voice that didn’t really fit him. A sad one like there was no hope anymore, error didn’t like this voice on him.

“why do you sound so sad?”

Error tried his best to speak clearly but it just tired him out faster, he needed to be more careful picking his words.

“b-because” ink paused a for a minute looking for the right words to say. “because I don’t know what to do error” another sob followed by some fresh tears going down his cheeks.

“please don’t die don’t leave me alone error” ink got out between hiccups and heavy breaths trying to get his breathing under control so he could speak clearly.

Error tried to get the last of his strength together and raised his hand a little up to inks face but right when he got his hand halfway up it almost fell down again if it wasn’t for ink taking a hold of it and bring it up to his face.

He gently Pressed errors hand against his cheek, nuzzling into it a little. making sure to keep it there as long as he could. “please” ink murmured in a small voice “I don’t want to be alone again”.

Error didn’t know what to say, but then what do you say when you’re dying in your “boyfriends” arms. “hey it’s going to be oke” nailed it. (nice one error)

Ink chuckled, he acutely chuckled. “you really aren’t the best with words error” error had to agree with that one “I know” he murmured weakly.

His voice was growing more and more tired, Like his body was growing more and more limp and right now both ink and error are well known of that fact. All there is to it is to say goodbye now.

“hey skittles” ink let out an amused breath at the nickname “yeah?” error took a deep breath “can you do me a favour?” error slowly moved his thump over inks cheek bone gently wiping away some of the tears that were still flowing down.

“of course what is it?” the numb feeling was at errors waist now (work with me here) but he managed to show a little smile “remember me oke”  inks eyes widened a little “w-what do you mean I’m no…” his words got cut of but error covering his mouth.

“sing with me”

Error started humming the same tune ink was sing to error a little while ago. It was low and maybe a bit raspy but ink could still hear error was starting where he left of so he didn’t want to take this away from error and started singing again.

You told me once, dear, you really loved me

Error smiled, inks voice once again putting his nerves to ease.

He kept humming.

And no one else could come between.

The numbness was taking over fully now, he could feel himself slowly disappear.

He was still humming.

But now you’ve left me and love another.

Error stopped humming.

You have shattered all of my dreams.

His hand fell but never hit the ground.

You are…

 “goodbye ink…. I love you”

 A loud cry slipped from inks teeth he clutched errors jacket against his chest pressing his nose (?) into the only thing there’s left of him now.

 “I won’t forget error” he cried into the jacket careful, to not let his tears black tears stain the fabric.

 “I promise”

 “I love you too”  

————————————————————–

well this took me a lot longer the i wanted but yeah stuff happens

anyway here you go this is dased around a drawing you made sorry i can’t really rememder which one it was

sorry for the mistakes hope you like it

Submitted by  idk-likesomeone

Unu says: OMG THIS. I CRIED. I GENUINELY CRIED. IDK HOW BUT YOU DID IT. GOOD JOB! THANK YOU SO MUCH, I LOVE THIS ONE!

Things were good, actually no things were great before it all happened.

Now, I feel so lost, lost for words, lost with my sense of direction, lost in my thoughts…I am lost. I have so many questions, I’m starting to think my life has become nothing but a series of questions.

Thing is they are legitimate questions but they are still yet to be answered, will they ever be answered? Did I deserve this, does anyone deserve this? 

Do you ever just look at someone and think to yourself, wow they are so lucky I wish I lived their life or when will  I finally be satisfied with the life I live. I used to be like them you know, happy, or at least I thought I was happy.

Now..now I just sit, I feel numb, so numb in fact that I feel as if someone could drive a knife through me and I wouldn’t feel an ounce of pain.

Emotions, what are emotions?

Feelings, huh I feel nothing but emptiness…

Hope, I used to think that was all I needed to get through life, that was until you. You made me give up on hope, give up on practically everything I lived for.

Oh but look at you, everything has worked out pleasantly well for you hasn’t it? 

Pain, I guess the only good thing is I no longer feel it, pain..that is. Or maybe I do, but I have become immune to it because that’s what anyone would do right?

—  Tenari Ioapo - Everything I’m not // Excerpt from a book I’m writing.
i. the earthquake
the day he left,
my world crumbled;
as i lay sobbing in the rubble
of everything i’d ever loved,
i looked up to the sky
and begged god to tell me why.
i stopped believing that day.
ii. the first aftershock
my heart was numb
and repairs had just begun
when a new man approached.
i melted into his touch,
pleading that he make me
feel something.
i never did, and we never spoke again.
iii. the second aftershock
i had good and bad days,
but the good ones started
outnumbering the bad;
that’s when i met him.
he looked at me sincerely
and spoke eloquently
like in an old-fashioned love letter,
but he was far too perfect to be true.
i wanted to love him
but i was still building up
a new foundation,
and i decided he wouldn’t be
there when the structure was finished.
i see him sometimes from a distance.
iv. the last aftershock
the dark clouds that had rained
down upon me for months
disappeared from sight.
sometimes i dreamt of
the initial disaster;
it haunted me only
at my weakest moments.
another man waltzed in to
rob me of my heart.
he charmed me with
well-timed compliments,
unparalleled intelligence,
and occasional awkwardness.
for a moment, i considered
giving in to him,
but i stood tall and remembered
that i didn’t need anyone else
to give me strength.
i walked away.
v. the calm
after a year and a half of aftershocks,
everything ceased.
i could listen to songs
that reminded me of the quake
and reread my happy poems
from the months leading up to it.
i learned how to love myself,
and, then, i met another man.
this one understood my suffering;
he’d been through the same.
he accepted that i was slow to trust,
and he was always considerate.
he was too cautious sometimes,
but his hands never graced my body
before i was ready.
his words were never eloquent,
but he didn’t manipulate me.
he was never a genius,
but he was naturally talented
at everything.
he left me speechless.
he still leaves me speechless.
—  the earthquake, his aftershocks, and the calm // lemonadeangelwriting
it's you (that makes my heart beat)

The first letter appears when she is thirteen. She feels a burning sensation on her wrist, panic flaring at the sudden pain but it quickly turns to excitement when she sees the ink form into the shape of a T.


She shows her parents, happy at the thought of soon meeting her soulmate. The first thing she does is Google names with the letter T.


She’s fourteen when she meets Ty. He hasn’t gotten any letters yet and she’s not quite sure she loves him, yet. But it could be him. They date, she kisses him, she feels empty.


She asks her mom how she felt when she met her dad and She deflates when the lovesick poetic description of feeling complete and ethereal love. She’s never felt like that with Ty.


She’s fifteen and She knows it’s not him, he knows it’s not her. She hates the way his eyes light up when he meets her friend (teammate), Amanda. And she hates the look that mirrors Amanda. And they both still don’t have any letters but they are hanging out all the time. It doesn’t bother her until they start excluding her. It’s then when she no longer can live in denial.


It’s petty, she’s jealous and she does something stupid.


She sends the picture to Ty and it all comes crashing down. They fight, she can’t remember what’s said but she knows it’s harsh but what kills her is when he shows her the A on his wrist. But it’s what he says afterwards that completely breaks her.


“Hopefully you never meet your soulmate because you don’t deserve them.”


And it angers her so much because it’s true. She knocks his tooth out (they put it back).


That night a R appears after the T. It’s bittersweet she thinks as she feels asleep with tears in her eyes. She uses her watch to cover her wrist after that day and vows tip forget about her soulmate. 



Trini’s twelve when she gets the K. It’s bittersweet. 


She’s sitting at the dining table with her parents when she starts to feel like someone is dragging a razor across her skin. She lifts her sleeve up and jumps in astonishment as black ink begins to form a letter. Her parents watch in excitement with her and when the letter becomes clear they start spouting off names with the letter K; Kevin, Kyle, Karl. Trini’s heart breaks a little because she knows (hopes) that the name will be different. 


She thinks of Katie the cute girl who sits in front of her in English. Of Keisha who always smiles at her in the hallways. She wishes she could tell her parents. She wishes she could be honest. She wishes her parents would understand when she’s ready.


She brings Katie over for a study date. Katie who still hasn’t gotten any letters but has seen the K on her wrist and smiles often at her. Sometime later Katie leans over and lands a peck on her lips. Trini feels her face heat up. They go back to studying even though Trini can’t concentrate anymore. She can’t stop thinking about Katie’s soft lips. She can’t stop thinking about how nice it felt. She’s not sure if Katie is her soulmate but she wouldn’t mind kissing her again. 


They’ve been together for almost a year and Trini thinks she’s in love, she believes they might be soulmates. She feels the happiest she’s ever been. She still hasn’t told her parents but the suspicious looks her mother gives her makes her insides hurt. 


It’s when she’s thirteen that her world falls apart.


Katie comes in and She can tell that the girl is trying to contain her excitement but she’s bubbling with energy.


“I got my first letter.” Trini can tell the girl is trying (and failing) to sound disappointed.


It feels like her heart stutters. Katie reveals her wrist and a D is there flaring back at her.


“I’m sorry. Good luck with finding your soulmate.”


Trini never looks back up. Katie leaves and she doesn’t move. She feels empty in a way that it hurts. For the next week she refuses to go to school, refuses to answer her parents’ concerned questions and only eats the bare minimum. 


She gets an I following the K after that. But she’s numb, she doesn’t care. She could get a full name and still not be sure that she has found her soulmate. So many people share the same name. She’s not going to get hurt again. 


They move a month later.


She’s fourteen when her parents bring over Kaleb from church. She hates him. Hates the way his shirt is tucked into his jeans all nice and proper, hates how he addresses her parents as sir and ma'am, hates how he keeps trying to discreetly (and fails) glance at her bracelet covered wrist. She sees the T on his wrist and almost feels sorry for him. She ignores him throughout dinner as her parents encourage (push) her to converse with him.


“You’re wasting your time.” Trini finally mumbles without looking up but the silence that follows tells her that the whole table heard.


Her mother excuses her little brothers who take the chance and run to their room.


“I’m not your soulmate.” She finally looks at the boy.  She shows him her wrist, the two letters causing a delusury burning (she wishes she could rip her skin off), relief crosses his face and Trini scoffs.


“What are you waiting for, you know where the door is?” She pushes her plate away, not that she has ate much.  


“Trini that’s no way to treat our guest.” Her mom scolds her with a glare as Kaleb shifts uncomfortably in his seat, itching to get out of this place (just like Trini). 


“Why didn’t you tell us?” Her father presses gently.


It’s eating at her and if she holds it any longer she’ll drown. It comes from the back of her throat before she can think of the repercussions.


“Because I’m gay!”


Kaleb leaves after that. Her nightmares come true, her mom starts yelling at her amd she sits their unresponsive which only serves to fuel her mother’s anger. She yells at her for embarrassing her in front of a guest, for hiding things, and for saying nonsense. But what hurts more than her mother’s anger is the silence and look of disappointment from her father.


They move within three days.


The silence continues on her behalf. She didn’t think it could hurt more. But then her mother starts spouting off names again. Kirk, Killian, Kile. She starts avoiding dinners.


It’s not hard to find someone who deals. She does it to piss her mom off. She does it to forget. To feel something other than pain. The first time she smokes weed she has a coughing fit and wonders how the hell someone can like this shit. But eventually she gets the hang of it. She’s floating in a euphoric high, nothing can touch her.


Her vice (escape) only lasts a few months before her mom catches her. Finds a joint while snooping through her stuff. They threaten to send her to rehab. They move again.


Her mother’s questions continue but now a monthly urine test is added to the conversations. She stops if just to get her mother off her back. But she wonders what her  next vice will be.


At times when she’s showering, she considers grabbing the razor and dragging it across her wrist destroying the letters that only seem to bring her problems. But she can never being herself to do it.


She considers getting a tattoo to cover it. She knows a guy who’ll do it even though she’s a minor. She makes an appointment, shows up. It’s really sketchy, in his living room but he pulls out a brand new clean needle but before he can bring the needle to her skin she retracts. She needs to know the full mame first, know that her mother is wrong and that she’s not confused.


But she feels bad wasting this guys time so instead she opts for something different. She ends up getting a black and yellow sabre tooth tiger on her left shoulder. She knows her parents would kill her if they ever find out but that thought encourages her to go through with it. It stings in a way similar to when she got her letters.


She’s fifteen when her parents decide to move again. Destination: Angel Grove.


She doesn’t hate it as much as she thought she would. Her new vice becomes tai chi and heavy metal.


Not long after she turns 15 she gets her third letter. She sitting in the back row of her biology classroom when the familiar stinging sensation bolts her from her thoughts. The letter M appears and her breath catches as she glances up to look at the girl sitting a few seats ahead of her. Former head cheerleader fallen from grace, that’s as much as Trini knows.


It could be her or there could be different name on the girl’s wrist. Trini doesn’t want to know. 


She books it from class as soon as the bell rings and heads for the cliff. She runs, what’s the point of knowing her soulmate if her parents will force her to move eventually.


That night she meets the group of misfits. She thinks she dies but somehow wakes up alive and well in her bed the next morning. She wonders for a few minutes which option would’ve been better.


The day gets weirder but besides getting pulled over a cliff by none other than Kimberly Hart, the girl does not seem to act any different around her. Trini buries the disappointment and deems that the girl is not her soulmate.


And that thought is what makes her not run away and actually form a cautious friendship with Kimberly. Any doubts she has quickly fade, being around Kim is easy. She hasn’t felt quite is relaxed like this in a long time. She thinks she doesn’t need her soulmate when she has her friends, when she has Kim.



Kim can’t help but think it would be so easy if Jason Scott was her soulmate. He’s caring and kind but she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She has a T and an R on her wrist, and he has a W on one wrist and a Z on the other. He doesn’t talk about it, she doesn’t ask but she tells him everything and it helps that he forgives her for what she’s done considering she still hasn’t managed to forgive herself.


She grows closer to the rangers but closer to Trini. The girl whose like a grumpy cat but if she likes you, you’re one of the lucky ones. She’s not sure when it happens but they’re at the donut shop and it hits her. She doesn’t feel lonely anymore. 


Rita happens and she doesn’t have much time to dwell on her feelings. She hasn’t felt anger as heavy as when she sees the marks on Trini’s neck and she knows that when she gets the chance she’ll make Rita regret ever laying a hand on Trini.


Billy dies, Billy comes back to life and Rita gets bitch slapped into space. Things seem to finally be settling down.


They are all still friends and Trini’s still there. Kim can’t help but think how lucky she is to have her in her life, and she’ll do whatever she can to deserve her friendship.


A few weeks after the Goldar incident and Kim finds herself sitting on Trini’s couch for a Netflix marathon. Trini’s parents are out of town visiting family for the weekend and the boys had plans to work on Jason’s truck, which makes Kim glad she can spend some alone time with Trini.


3 things happen at once.


One: Trini reaches leans forward towards the popcorn and her sleeveless shirt shifts and Kimberly catches sight of yellow and black saber tooth tiger on her left shoulder. She feels her mouth go dry, stomach tighten and a slight throb between her legs. Her face heats up as she realizes she’s turned on by discovering that Trini has a tattoo. It hits her that she’s attracted to her best friend.


Two: the familiar burning sensation on her wrist comes. She moves her watch slightly to see a new letter begin to form. An I. Her heartbeat is so loud she hears it thumping in her ears. It’s like being thrown in cold water and she wonders how she never considered the possibility that the girl in front of her could be her soulmate. She looks at Trini and wonders if she knows, if she has any letters. It’s that moment that all the feelings she has been experiencing lately begin to make sense.


Three: as Trini reaches for the popcorn bowl her bracelets on her left hand shift and Kimberly catches sight of the three letters marking the skin. She freezes and her blood runs cold. Thoughts race through her head. Trini knew and never told her and there has to be a reason for that. She doesn’t want her, why else keep it a secret.


She goes through a rollercoaster of emotions in the span of a few seconds. Arousal, joy, (it’s a goal high) and then the hurt (a goal low). And it really fucking hurts knowing that your soulmate doesn’t want you, that you don’t deserve them.


She stands abruptly, the tv control falling to the wooden floor with a clash.


“Kim?” Trini turns to her with worry.


She runs.

Theory for the season finale

spoilers from the book. 

So as the book readers know,Jace dies near the end of city of glas(i think it was glas,sorry I dont care enough to look it up)But is brought back by Raziel at Clary’s request.But this left us with a HUGE plothole. Because Alec hadn’t even noticed that Jace died,and according the Parabatai lore a part of your soul dies when your Parabatai dies. So I find it hard to believe Alec didn’t feel a thing,but knowing Casserole,she probably just couldn’t be bothered with Alec,and wanted to give the spotlight to Carrot.

But judging from al the interviews and tweets,the show will handle it differently.There will be a”heartbreaking divide between Alec and Jace”.As Dom stated in one of his interviews.So I came up with my own concept.

One that would give Magnus and Alec a new storyline for season 3,instead of having them disappear for half a goddamn book.

note:its gonna be pretty long,sorry

When Valentine(or maybe Sebastian)is sacrificing Jace to summon Raziel,Alec is with Magnus, fighting Demons and protecting Alicante,maybe we get some alliance rune action.It cuts to Jace and we see Jace being killed,Clary screaming and crying.

Then we cut back to Alec,about to deal the killing blow to a fallen demon,but mid-attack he freezes.And he feels it,he feels his parabatai,his other half,his brother,leaving him.He drops his weapon, we see the blade clanging to the ground.The pain is unbearable, he falls to his knees while clutching his Parabatai rune and screams, a broken,agonizing wail.

The scream makes Magnus’ head turn,and he sees his Alexander on his knees, in unspeakable agony,clutching at his side,screaming in pain and grief.And Magnus knows what’s going on,he knows every location of every rune on Alec’s body and he knows which on Alec is clutching now.With a panicked ”Alexander” he runs to Alec’s side but is blocked by a new wave of demons and circle members.His magic flares up and he cuts his way trough them,desperate to get to Alec.But they just keep coming and wont let him get to his love.behind the demos he sees a circle-memeber make his way over to Alec’s crumpled form.

Cuts back to Jace and Clary,
Clary, heartbroken and filled with rage,uses her powers and limited shadowhunting skills to kick some ass.And idk severely wounds Sebastian or Valentine and they flee or something(I wasn’t really invested in this part as you can see)

Cuts to Alec,
Alec is still on his knees and everything around him numb,the battle going on behind,all distant noise.His eyes are fixated on the ground,he feels empty,and alone.He faintly hears someone scream his name.two boots enter his field of vision and he drags his gaze upwards,and is met with a circle-member, seraph blade in hand,grinning down at him.Alec cant bring himself to lift a single finger to defend himself,he closes his eyes and thinks of Jace,his parents,his siblings and Magnus.

He feels a pang of guilt and sorrow for causing Magnus pain and silently begs, for him to find love again after his death.Then the circle-memeber stabs him trough his heart.And all goes dark

Cuts to Magnus.
Magnus bares witness to the circle-member stabbing the love of his life through the heart.And Magnus screams,his magic flares to life with an unforgiving rage.He lays waste to everyone in near proximity,even Shadowhunters who might have been on their side.Every single demon in his vision is reduced to nothing but ash.

There is no one left,except Alec’s murderer.Who is on his knees next to Alec’s fallen form,cowering in fear.Magnus slowly makes his way over to the man and goes to stand before him.Magnus looks at the man at his feet with an empty expression,the man is crying and begging for mercy.Magnus says nothing as he bends down to pick up Alec’s fallen seraph blade,as soon as it touches his skin it flares up in an angry red light. Magnus glances at the blade for a second then turns towards the man,he raises the blade above his head and brings it down with a roar. 

Cuts back to Clary.
Who is now crying over Jace’s body and begs him to come back to her.

Cuts to Magnus

Magnus(in parallel with Clary) is holding Alec’s body against him,slowly rocking him.Crying and begging him to come back to him.”Nonononono,please.”
“Please,I just found you”
“You cant leave me, not yet,please Alexander”

Cuts between Clary and Magnus.
Now we see,Clary using her rune powers to try summon Raziel once again,while muttering some ritual thats part of the summoning.And while she is doing that.We cut back to Magnus again who is still holding Alec,but has begun to mutter to himself,the air starts to sizzle around him.

The runes around Clary start to glow,as she chants the holy ritual.

The ground around Magnus and Alec starts to crack

“I summon thee, Raziel”
I
n flash of blinding light an angel descends upon the earth,and stands proud and tall in front of Clary

“I summon thee,Asmodeus” 
In a cloud of smoke and ash a man suddenly appears in front of Magnus,(please let him be played by Godfrey Gao,that would be so cool)bearing the same cats eyes as Magnus.Magnus looks up at him,not loosening his grip on Alec.He grits his teeth as he meets the mans eyes”hello father

Both Jace and Alec are brought back to life,but without their parabatai rune.
And the price for Alec’s life was to release Asmodeus,so now he can roam freely on earth.And thats who Magnus,Alec and Izzy are hunting in those pictures from set.That would actually give them a plot,instead of just writing them out of the goddam book.

God that was long,thank you if you made it all the way through!!!!

Anyway tell me what you think.   

when food tastes the best:

when you suddenly get hit with a massive blood sugar low and you start eating a lot of food really quickly, desperately trying to get back to where you can function without your hands shaking and your body feeling numb

i just had 1 spoonful of vanilla icecream and 2 spoonfuls of peanutbutter and it was like i was just in a 100-year road trip through the desert in a car with no AC and there werent any bathroom breaks and we just stopped at a mcdonalds and i was peeing and shoveling an oreo mcflurry into my mouth at the same time and i almost cried

How to write young adult fantasy fiction that ignores PSTD

Fictional Character:  My village was slaughtered.

Fictional Character:  My parents died.          

Fictional Character: I saw the bodies.

Fictional Character: I was betrayed soon after by someone I considered a friend.

Fictional Character:  I was taken prisoner.

Fictional Character:  I fought monsters.

Fictional Character: *mourns when they set out on their journey from village*

Fictional Character:  *doesn’t grieve more than briefly after that*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t cry at random times*

Fictional Character:  *doesn’t become emotionally numb*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t flinch at things glimpsed out of the corner of their eyes*

Fictional Character: *has no paranoia about lurking dangers*

Fictional Character: *trusts companions*

Fictional Character: *only has fear of companions dying/disappearing when companions are actively in danger*

Fictional Character: *still feels normal sexual/romantic attraction, but nobly tries to suppress it because that is what they should do*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t mistake random people for dead people they knew unless sorcery/deception is involved*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t regress or become dependent*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t have panic attacks*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t freeze when violence occurs*

Fictional Character: *doesn’t have nightmares or nightmares used to get love interest to comfort character*

Fictional Character:  *experiences insomnia, but never to the point of hallucinating*

Fictional Character:  *does push themselves past the point of exhaustion repeatedly as a plot device to make companions have to express caring feelings*

Fictional Character: Survivor’s Guilt? Maybe on the odd occasion when I’m enjoying a really good meal or song or something. Because that would be Dramatic and prove I have Benevolent Feelings and deserve to be loved. Will I cry over warm unpleasant tasting water in a goatskin canteen because so-and-so will never taste water again? Probably not.

Fictional Character: *rare intrusive thoughts* *may interfere with The Plan*

Fictional Character: *walks confidently in city streets when they have never been to a city and have never seen more than hundred people together at any one time before* *doesn’t experience overwhelming sensory input* *doesn’t even get a headache*

Fictional Character: *goes to the royal court for the first time ever, doesn’t fail politics*

Fictional Character: Unexplained unreasonable emotions? I’m being manipulated by outside forces or my powers are emerging.

Fictional Character: *when the subject of loss comes up, expresses righteous outrage*

Fictional Character: It was the worst experience of my life. It changed me forever. I shall never forget.

Fictional Character: *for a whole chapter, doesn’t refer to their loss or grief at all, not even in private thoughts*

Author: PSTD is only for minor disposable characters, not main characters.

Take Your Pain  {Part 1/2}

Steve x Reader
Summary: Soulmate AU in which Steve overestimates the powers of the super soldier serum and comes to a startling realization

Prompt: You can choose to take the pain of your soulmate away (from this post)

Word Count: 2163
Warnings: none

Originally posted by snowbutlannister

Soulmates were a thing of the past. 

Although it had been common throughout the early 1900s to be born with the small cursive words on your wrist, after the second world war more and more children were born without them. Many blamed it on the plethora of chemical and nuclear weapons, others on the traumatizing pain it had caused throughout the war, but nobody knew for sure why they had disappeared.

That’s why it had been such a big deal when you’d been born with a mark. Your grandparents, old enough to have their own, were ecstatic. Your parents, on the other hand, had urged you to keep it hidden away from the public. It was unusual in their day and age and they feared the attention it might bring.

So for much of your childhood you listened intently to your grandfather’s stories of soulmates in his time, eyes wide and a large grin plastered on your face despite having to keep your own mark a secret.

However, the excitement soon disappeared as you grew older.

Grandma explained that during the war the only way to know if your soulmate was alive and well was to feel for their pain. When your soulmate was hurt a numbness would spread across your own body, alerting you and allowing you to choose whether or not to take that pain away. When you failed to feel that numbness even through your teenage years, you knew what it meant. You might have been lucky to be born with a soulmate, but you sure as hell weren’t lucky enough to meet them.

The supersoldier serum pumping through Steve’s veins did many things. He could run faster, think harder, jump higher and most important of all, he could heal quicker. It was a significant advantage he had over the rest of the Avengers. Even with a bullet in his side Steve would push forwards, the pain all but forgotten and his enhanced body already racing to repair itself.

What Steve didn’t realize was that his pain wasn’t just being forgotten – it was being taken away.

On the other side of Manhattan, another person was willingly taking the pain as their own. Every bullet wound, every slash of a knife she felt so he wouldn’t. She wouldn’t let him. He was her soulmate and after believing he was gone for so many years, she would do anything to protect him.

So Steve continued on fighting, completely unaware that the girl he’d thought was left in the past was in fact alive and well only a few kilometers away.

Keep reading

Cheater, Cheater Pt 2 || Jughead J. ft. Archie A.

Song: Pray You Catch Me - Beyoncé

Part One

Requested by anon


I hadn’t talked to Archie in 5 days and each day that went by it was a new emotion. I’ve gone from anger to sadness, back to anger, then self hate, and now I’m teetering between anger and sadness. As I walked down the hallway, I’d past several couples, and my heart would break more.

Archie had blown my phone up for the first two days since I’d found out, then it’s text here and there, finally it stopped. I hadn’t responded to a single text.

All that was on my mind was playing the times we were together and he’d cheated on me. I replayed the memories over and over again in my mind, looking for signs. Was I really that stupid that I hadn’t known my boyfriend had been cheating on me for a month?

I walk into my Advanced Lit class, and went straight to the back, opposite of sitting in the middle of the classroom to talk to everybody. Since I’d found out, my brain has been on autopilot while my mind was sitting in the seat dead.

I sat in the back corner, excluded from everyone else. I watched the door as Archie walked in, a smile on his face as he jokingly pushed one of his “friends”. He looked over at me, but I turned my head away, looking out the window.

He was perfectly fine, while I was crumbling apart.

“Hey,” Jughead said to me as he slid into the seat next to mine. “How are you holding up?”

“Not at that well.” I turned my head to him. “Is it bad that I’m so torn up by this?”

“No, you two dated for over a year.” I look down at desk.

“Can we skip Pop’s and just go to your house?” I asked, not wanting to be in public any longer than I have to.

“Yeah, of course.” Jughead had been my rock, since I’d found out Archie had cheated on me with Grundy. It was on thing cheating on me, but with a fucking teacher, that was the breaking point.

“Alright class,” The Lit teacher said, closing the door behind him as the bell rang.


The bell rang, snapping me out of my thoughts, I shut my laptop and slid it in my bag. I followed closely behind Jughead, wanting to get out of Archie’s line of sight as quick as possible. We went our separate ways, him going to his next class and me going to my locker.

As I closed my locker and turned to head to my next class, I watched Archie go into Grundy’s classroom. Despite my minds protest, my feet moved towards her classroom, and I’m peeking through the small glass window. Archie and Grundy were close to kissing, and felt sick to my stomach, that’s when I knew any chance of us getting back together was obsolete.

I knew I couldn’t trust him before this and I was still looking for a reason to forgive him, but know that he’s still seeing her after I found out, I knew it was over.

I slipped my phone out my pocket, my glaze still on the pair, hatred setting my blood on fire. I dragged my eyes away from the two, pulling up Archie’s contact and creating a new text.

I didn’t care how cold it was to break up with someone over text, I was pissed, and couldn’t find myself no longer caring if he got hurt.

You two should cover the window, you know before you start snogging. Just thought to give you a tip so you don’t get caught for a third time. Have fun with your slut. We’re over.

I hit send and watched as he pulled away, looking at his phone. He looked up and at the window, his hazel eyes meeting mine. Absolute panic and fear brought down his face, and he’s sprinting to the door, but I was already gone.

“Y/N!” He yelled through the crowded hallway, I ignored him, the damage was done.

I could see the doors to the student parking lot, my hand holding onto my phone with a death grip.

I had to get out of here.

I didn’t feel the heart break anymore, I was numb with anger. I wasn’t just feeling anger though, I finally felt free. Relief.

Archie and I were over and I was walking away, leaving destruction in my path. I didn’t give a single shit.

I got to my car, the wind blowing through my hair as I unlocked my car.

Archie had finally got outside, still yelling my name, but I was already in my car and staring it. He got mid way to my car, but I was already pulling out.

I pressed down on the gas once I got on the road. I rolled down the windows, letting the wind blow throughout my car as I speed. I was laughing and crying, I was free.

I slowed down as I get to my neighborhood, pulling into my driveway. I got out of my car, happiness over taking me as I unlocked the front door, and run up the stairs. I get to my room and fall back into my bed.

Closing my eyes, I knew I was at peace.


I waited for Jughead to get out to the student parking lot, music blasting through my speakers.

Everything felt normal.

As Jug walked up to my car, he seen the huge smile on my face, and before he could say again, I spoke.

“Do you need a ride?” He nodded his, getting into the passenger side of my car, speechless. “Okay, so your house or Pop’s or do you want to just drive around, because I’m totally up for all three?” He looked over at me in complete shock.

“Who are you and what did you do to Y/N?” I laughed.

“I know I did a complete 180 on my mood since Lit, I broke up with Archie, and skipped the rest of school, having a me day.” I explained. “Now where to?”

“I guess my house.” He said buckling up. “And did I just here you say you broke up with Archie?”

“Yep,” I put my car in gear and drive out of the parking lot, the wind yet again blowing through the windows, but no where near as bad as this morning.

“No remorse, sadness? You’re perfectly fine?” He asked, not able to believe the mood I was in.

“Yep, it’s in the past. Now, turn the radio up!” I see him looking at me in disbelief and finally turned up the volume.


“What?” I asked laughing as Jughead continued staring at me in disbelief, he shook his head, giving a slight laugh. He sat in his desk chair as I laid propped up in his bed.

“ I still can’t believe it, yesterday you were balling your eyes out on my shoulder, and today you’re happy as can be.”

“Well belive it, now what about a Star Wars marathon?” He had a ghost of a smile on his face as he agreed. “Okay, you get the movie going and I’ll go make popcorn!” I said, jumping out of his bed and going into the kitchen before he could change his mind.

Once the popcorn was done popping, I poured it in a bowl, and ran up stairs and to his room, finding him propped up against the headboard on his bed, fast forwarding through the commercials.

I got the popcorn!“ I announced, jumping on his bed, but careful not to get the popcorn everywhere. I sat next to him, leaning my back against the headboard and my head on his shoulder. He looked down at me, I didn’t see the look on his face as I continued staring at the TV and eating popcorn.

Once he got the movie started, our night was filled with both of us repeating lines word-for-word, and throwing popcorn at each other.

I eventually laid my head on his chest, pieces of popcorn covering the bed, and called my eyes.

I was at peace.


Masterlist || Prompt List

You Can’t Protect Me From Everything // Shawn Mendes

Authors Note: So this here is a combination of “Can you do one where Shawn breaks up with y/n because she been hate getting on and after a couple of days she was up I to the hospital because (idk whatever you are comfortable with) and Shawn found out from the the internet and went to drive over there because he still loves her and they get back together” + “can you do an imagine where y/n is roughly 2/3 years younger than shawn ? ((shawn 19, y/n 16))” 

Warning: Y/n talks about self harm and I would also like to mention that she’s angry about it and her views on it does not mean they’re mine or the right view


“I think it’s best if we didn’t see each other for a while,” Shawn mumbled stroking my back softly as he held me in his arms. I froze, the words ticking over in my head. He wanted to break up. 

“What?” I ask, trying to sound strong but my voice quivers. I sit up on the couch, pulling away from his touch and turning off the TV.

“I just think that its time that we had some time apart, know what its like to not have each other,” I try to hold his burning gaze but his words feel as though they’re slicing me apart and I look away. 

“Am I not enough for you anymore?” I ask, my fingers sliding the dainty, gold ring Shawn got me for my birthday in a nervous manner. 

“You’re just young Y/n and I thought it would-” 

“So that’s what this is about,” I hiss, Shawn looking shocked at my sudden anger.

“What? No I’m just-”

“You know I don’t care that your fans think I’m too young for you,” I state, crossing my arms over my chest as if to keep the frustration at bay.

“I know you don’t baby but,” He trails off, trying to catch my eye.

“If I can deal with it why can’t you?” I whisper, the anger giving way to a hollow like feeling.

“I don’t want you to have to deal with it!” Shawn shouts, suddenly standing up. He walks out the room and after a moment of shock, I follow.

“What do you mean?” I ask, nerves on a high. I’ve never seen Shawn so angry in the 8 months that we’ve been dating. He’s leaning against the sink a glass of water in his hand.

“I hate coming to see you and seeing tears in your eyes that you so desperately try to hide but I know, Y/n, I know that they’re from the hate. That the fans can’t take me being 19 and you being 16,” He chucks the glass in the sink, the sound of the glass hitting the metal harsh against my ears.

“I won’t go on it anymore,” I say gently, approaching him cautiously. 

“I don’t want you to have to cut off social media just because of me, this is why I didn’t want to tell everyone about us,” His anger seems to turn on me.

“Shawn,” I gasp, recoiling back. 

“But you kept asking me, Shawn lets just tell them, Shawn I don’t want to hide,” He mocks me, my irritation growing. 

“I didn’t want to hide my relationship. I have every right to tell people that I’m dating you and show everyone how much you mean to me,” I snap, slamming my hand on the counter.

“Why couldn’t we just keep it between us though? Why are you so desperate to tell people?” He mutters, striking a nerve. 

“You were asking me to go places with you that were deserted so that no one would see us and post about it on social media. When we would go out to the movies or dinner, I had to put a meter between us so it looked like we were just friends hanging out,” I turn away from him, not wanting him to see my tears. 

“I was proud of our relationship and to hide it like that, made me feel like… like you were ashamed of me or something,” 

“With an age gap like that,” I hear him say so quietly that I thought I imagined it but when I turned around, facing his icy gaze, I knew he said it.

“Fine,” I sob, voice cracking. “I see how you really feel. I”ll leave,” I don’t look at him as I grab my coat from the counter, chucking it around my body that felt so cold all of a sudden. 

I didn’t look back at him as I walked down the hall to the front door, pulling it open and standing out in the frosty air. 

When I did look back, I saw him standing there still, starring at me with an unreadable expression until the door closed and I could no longer see him. No longer see an us.


It was like I couldn’t feel anything. As if my whole body was numb to everything. I layed in the small single bed, the bland white walls starring back into my face as I looked at nothing in particular. 

I didn’t want to be here, I so desperately wanted to be anywhere else. I bring my hand up to move some hair that fell in my eyes and the stinging pain brings my attention to my arm. The plate. The blood. My Mothers horrified expression. They all come flooding back and I look away.

I was washing the dishes when I accidentally smashed a plate. I must admit however, my actions were governed by the anger from Shawn’s quick dismissal of our relationship. 

I remember the pain in my arm, the sharp cuts that appeared; completely by accident. Unfortunately however, because of my relationship ending only a couple days before, apparently that gave me a valid reason to harm myself. 

When my Mum walked into the kitchen, her gaze locked on the water stained red with my own blood and a broken piece of the plate in my hand she immediately thought the worst. Not once did she give me a chance to explain that it was an accident, instead rushing me to the hospital where I’ve been for the past 2 days, under constant monitoring. 

I sigh, turning the TV off, finding no interest in the cartoon that was playing. The silence allows me to hear the just audible voices outside my room.

“I just want to see her,” a male’s voice says, and I sit up straighter. Shawn.

“She’s very tired, sir,” A nurses voice replies and I roll my eyes. I was fine and in need of food other then what they served at the hospital. 

“Can I have just 5 minutes, 5…please,” I hear him beg. The door opens, the creaking sound alerting me off someones presence. 

“Miss, you have a visitor,” My nurse tells me, and she allows Shawn to walk past her, closing the door after him, leaving him and I alone together. 

I don’t say anything. Simply stare at him as he runs his gaze over my body tucked into the sheets, the bandages wrapped around my right arm from my wrist to my elbow. Up to my face where it lingers, reading my expression.

“How did you-”

“Don’t say anything,” He snaps, moving forward to sit next to me in the seat beside my bed. I close my mouth hastily.

“Why would you do this to yourself?” He murmurs, running a finger over the bandage. I roll my eyes, knowing he thinks I cut myself, just like everyone else.

“Do you know how hard it was to find out my girlfriend cut her self and to not hear it from you but from online?” He asks, voice full of exasperation and something else, maybe hurt… fear? 

“Ex-girlfriend,” I utter. An awkward silence fills the room and I don’t dare meet his eyes. 

“I was on this afternoon,” he begins and I stare at the vase in the corner of my room filled with blooming violets. 

“I saw so many tweets with your name and self harm and I just… I felt my stomach drop,” His voice lowers to a whisper. “I didn’t want it to be true, to find out that my girl hurt herself because she couldn’t handle what she was feeling,” 

I stay silent still, listening to his soothing voice and allowing myself for one moment to believe we were still together. 

“I saw pictures that some fan account had tagged me in and it was of you getting rushed into the hospital. I called your mum- which by the way, she is extremely unhappy with me, but I found out it was true and you were here,” he sighs rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Why Y/n?”

I look at him, seeing his normally sparkling brown eyes, dull and red.

“I was washing the dishes.” I start, finally finding someone who would listen to my side of the story rather than my mothers who was abrupt and panic filled. “I was so angry with how things ended and then I remember slamming the plate down a little too hard and it broke- the glass cutting my arm. Before I had time to clean up my Mum walked in and she thought I cut myself because of what happened with us,”

He looks at me, shocked. “You didn’t purposely cut yourself?” He asks, a serious expression masking his face.

“No- everyone just thinks I did,” He reaches out, wrapping me in his arms.

“I was so scared that you meant it,” he murmurs into my hair before pulling away. 

“I would never Shawn,” I tell him, his hand gripping mine tightly. A silence falls over us and it reminds me of the sharp words he chucked at me. I tug my hand out his grip, coughing awkwardly.

“I um,” He says softly. “I didn’t. I want. I..” He stutters, not knowing what to say.

“I’m sorry I pressured you into telling everyone about us. I wouldn’t have if I knew how much you didn’t want to,” I mumble, pulling a loose thread in my blanket. 

“No, baby, I wanted to tell everyone as well,” He rushes to say, alarm filling his eyes. “I just, I read some of the hate you got and it was so awful. I felt so ashamed of having these people who said the most disgusting things to you as my fans and I wanted to protect you from it,”

“You can’t protect me from everything Shawn,” I tell him, brushing back a piece of hair that fell on his forehead up out of his eyes.

“You didn’t deserve what they were saying and I thought the best way to stop it was to break up with you. That was the worst decision of my life,” I tighten my hold on his hand.

“I can agree with that,” I hum, smiling at him.

“Everything I said was just a lie, I knew the only way for you to agree was to hurt you. I hated saying those things to you and seeing the look on your face when I said them,” 

“I want you to know that I don’t care what they say or how many years older you are then me,” I say, and he kisses my knuckles softly. 

“I’m sorry,” He mumbles, and I pat the space on the bed next to me, letting him sit next to me. “I really don’t care how old you are. Actually I love that you’re younger then me. Gives me more of a reason to want to protect you,” he kisses my forehead softly

“Good,” I smirk at him and he nudges my shoulder with his own.

“So does this mean we’re an item again?” he teases, his eyes twinkling.

“Depends,” I grin.

“On what?” 

“You’re going to have to face my mothers wrath,” His face paled. 

“Give me strength,”

Originally posted by smendesgifs

RFA+Saeran Suicidal MC

Can you write headcanons for the rfa and saeran with an mc who wants to kill herself because she feels like she doesn’t matter and nothing she does will ever matter

I got this prompt before things went downhill on my end, and I’m so sorry it has taken me a while until I was able to write this for you, anon.

I really hope you’re doing okay, and know that you’re loved. Please if you need help, remember to talk to loved ones, friends, or to look up suicide hotlines for your area (Google as an incognito mode if you’re stressed about your history). If you’re thinking of therapy I used to use BetterHelp.com. They had an app and it was nice not having to voice all the negatives, just writing them down. And some places offer free therapy as well.

Do not be ashamed for wanting/needing help. It’s so much better than the alternative.


Zen

- He showered you with compliments on the daily.

- He didn’t know you. You were still just some person behind a text message screen.

- Why did he care so much?

- Out of the camera’s prying eyes, you locked yourself in the late Rika’s room, curling up beside her bed.

- She was so much better than you in every way, so much more lovable, likeable. No one ever batted an eye to you unless it was just to be flirted with.

- You knew those advances would go away the moment they saw you for who you were.

- Some over-depressed whiny fuck.

-  You covered your face, hating how harsh you had to be to yourself, when you heard the phone ring. You peaked over, the action seemingly taking over a year, but you recognized the face on the ID.

- Zen.

- You answered, a low “Hello”, to which he acted surprised to.

- “Eh? Are you sick? Did our RFA princess get a cold?

- Silence. Long enough that you heard him shuffle with the phone, probably to check if you were still on the line.

- “Mc? Hey, are you okay?

- “Why do you care?”

- “…What kind of question is that?

- You scoffed.

- “Hey, whats up? What’s wrong?

- “What, you going to just flirt with me? Save the damsel in distress who you don’t even know?” You swallowed, the action making your throat feel like it was being torn apart. 

- “I do know-

- “No you don’t! You don’t even know what I look like, let alone how I act! How I really am! Just some selfish fuck up who can’t even compare to that Rika girl you all keep talking about!”

- Silence again, and your felt your heart manage to break even more. “That’s what I thought, you can’t even-”

- “No, I’m still here. I’m listening.

- “To what?”

- “To you. To you venting. Mc, please just. Keep going.

- Out of anger you did. Anger towards yourself, towards the group. He listened. He listened as anger turned into broken sobs that had your chest heaving.

- He kept quiet for a moment, making sure he wasn’t interrupting you again.

- “You’re right, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you look like, but you know what? I don’t care. Because while I don’t know you that well, I know already you’re a good person. You’re helping us while your heart is so burdened with stress, while you have the weight of us on your shoulders. Do you know how many others would do that? None. In fact, the one that did is gone now. And even as upset you are with us talking about her, you’re still willing to help, you’re still willing to listen to idiot romantics like me, while you’re struggling so much. But you know what? We’re here for you. These strangers that you’re taking care of, we’re here for you too. No matter how silly, no matter how late, you can call me. Text me. If you feel like this please, please, just talk to me or one of the guys who makes you feel more comfortable, if you can’t talk to anyone else. Just please, yell at me, blame me, but god please don’t do anything to yourself.

- “I-I-I’m so ssorry-”

- “Don’t. We all have our bad moment. When I see you at that party, I’ll give you all the hugs I can’t give you right now, and all the ones no one else was able to give you. So stick around until then at least, okay?”

- You nodded, even though he couldn’t see you. “O-Okay.”

- He stayed on the phone with you to calm you down, getting you to agree to sleep on the couch so Seven could make sure you were okay. He stayed on the phone for hours, just listening, singing at times, humming encouragement. 

- And when the two of you finally met, he couldn’t let go of you, and you never wanted to let go of him.

Jumin

- He was used to coming home and you greeting him with a smile, warming his heart and taking the stress from work that day. Even Elizabeth 3rd didn’t have that effect all the time

- But seeing you curled up on the bed, motionless, face soaked in tears, had him dropping his suitcase and rushing to you

- “Mc? Mc, are you alright?”

- You weakly looked up at him, dried eyed threatening to tear up again. “No.” God, every part of you hurt admitting that, but you just wanting some emotion to grace you, something other than pain and numbness

- “Do I need to call the doctor? It’ll just-”

- “No, no please, just.” You weakly reached out for his hand, and he immediately grasped yours. Even just tilting your head felt like it took your whole energy reserve away. “I need you.”

- He laid down beside you, pulling you into his arms. “Love, please. What’s wrong?”

- “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

- “About what?”

- “I’m such a fucking waste of space Jumin, I can’t do anything right anymore.”

- He jerked away slightly, looking you in the eyes.

- “Don’t you dare even begin to think that. Don’t you dare.”

- Tears starting spilling from your eyes again as you were forced to look directly at him, your shoulders shaking.

- “But I am-”

- “No,” He kissed your forehead, but his voice was stern, even slightly shaky. “You are the most amazing thing to happen to me, you are the best thing to grace my presence each morning I open my eyes, you are so much more than that, mc. Please.”

- You had never seen Jumin cry, but now you felt it. He was holding you tight, burying his face in your hair, as he struggled to keep composed as his body shook.

- “Please, mc. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

- You clung tightly to him, muttering a mantra of apologies as he made a mental list of how to help you exactly.

- He would going to start telling you he loved you six times a day, kiss you every moment he could, call you every small two minute break he had just to tell you he thought of you. 

- God, just anything. Anything to keep you here with him, and to feel like yourself again. Not this husk.

Jaehee

- Jaehee knew a few of the signs, just from excessive research she did after hearing about the late Rika.

- Maybe a few other reasons

- The two of you were closing up the shop for the night, you washing the dishes as she swept. However, she had stopped ages ago, watching you stare at a knife with a dead-eyed half lidded stare.

- She knew. 

- Slowly, she walked behind you, taking your hands in hers and getting the knife away from you, holding you from behind.

- “Mc, don’t.”

- That’s all she said. She wasn’t even 100% sure that was what you were thinking, but you bursting into tears on the spot confirmed it.

- She cut the sink off, wrapping you in one of the fluffy clean towels, rocking you back and forth as you sobbed into her.

- She wanted to cry, felt like she needed to, but she held it in. For you, just for you. Just anything to make you happy.

- “Jaehee, I can’t- It’s so painful- I can’t even breathe-”

- “Shhh,” She kissed the back of your head, waiting for you to cry it out.

- When you finished, she turned you around, kissing the corners of your eyes.

- “We’re going to get you to a doctor.”

- “Jaehee, no-”

- “Yes,” Her voice cracked a bit, and she took a deep breath. “Mc, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much about myself, I’m finally enjoying my life again, I feel like I finally learned what it’s like to feel alive-”

- “With me gone, you’ll-”

- “I’ll break, I’ll be in shambles. And I never, ever, want to see you like that. I never want to see your beautiful, shining, radiant face devoid of life. If that happened, I’d die, Mc. I would just stop.”

- She took a moment to rub her eyes, then to kiss you.

- “Please, please, just talk to me. I promise I love you, I promise I will do everything I can. Just please, god. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Yoosung

- Everything had been numb until now.

- Bad grades? Still workless? Numb.

- Yoosung drowning in games while you silently and mentally begged for his attention? Numb.

- You weren’t even sure what had snapped in you today, but as he was discussing a test he failed, sad over it, but a bit happy it wasn’t as bad as his past grades

- And you just broke down in tears

- He froze up, trying to figure out what he said wrong as you buried your face in your knees.

- “Mc? Mc, what happened? Are you okay?”

- He gingerly touched you, scared of provoking more tears, but when you leaned a bit closer he managed to bring your face up to look at him.

- “Mc, please, please, tell me what is wrong.”

- He was so scared. Were you going to break up with him? Did someone hurt you? What was happening?

- After a few moments of choked sobbing and garbled mutterings, you managed to clear your throat enough.

- “Yo-Yoosung, I can’t stand this anymore.”

- Oh god, you were breaking up, weren’t you? He took a deep breath. “Stand what?”

- “Just, I don’t fuckcing know,” you covered your face again. “Living. I can’t.”

- His heart sunk. Immediately he pulled you to him, tears already leaking.

- “Do-Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare, Mc. Please, god, don’t you dare.” He couldn’t bring himself to say the word, he didn’t want to even jinx it. “Please, god, don’t. I don’t know what I’d do.”

- You outright wailed.

- “I don’t have a job, I’m such a disgrace, I just-”

- “No,” He pushed your face into his shoulder, refusing to have you keep on. “You don’t know how much you mean to me, or the people around you. God, please, I went through this with Rika, Mc, just please, please, let me help you. I couldn’t-” His voice broke, “I couldn’t help her, please, god, let me help you.”

- The two of you broke down, just rocking back and forth on his bed, sobbing together. You, feeling so ashamed and sick. Yoosung, so scared and guilty. 

- After the two of you cried it out a bit, he covered you in kisses, refusing to stop until he felt like you knew how much he loved you. 

- He’d nearly beg Jumin to have him help you get help. He didn’t care if he had to become a slave to C&R for the rest of his life. Anything was better than losing you.

Seven

- No matter what you did, how much you told him you loved him, he pushed you away. 

- You couldn’t understand why for the life of you. He was so in love with you a while ago, and now it’s just this?

- It was you, right? You did something. You weren’t who he thought you were…Right?

- He didn’t even notice you leave the house.

- You threw your phone somewhere outside, and just walked. Walked until your feet felt sore, until your legs couldn’t take it.

- When you finally stopped, you were at an old park bench. It was late in the afternoon, almost dark, so no kids were around. You sat down, and held it in as you thought about what you were going to do.

- There was a river nearby, so that was an option, wasn’t it? And if you truly needed to you could fashion your sweater into some noose. It wouldn’t be too hard if you had your phone.

- Phone… Right. You threw that somewhere, didn’t you? You couldn’t even look up proper ways of killing yourself, could you? Managed to fuck up right until the end.

- You laughed to yourself, and as you did it slowly turned into hiccups. Into sobs.

- Soon you were sobbing on this abandoned park bench, like some fool. Some lovestruck fool that had no one to love her back.

- You didn’t know how long you were there, not until a loud screeching noise hit your ears, causing you to blink at the bright lights in front of you.

- “Mc? Oh thank god, thank god.”

- Seven ran to you, pulling you off the bench and hugging you tight.

- “I was so scared, I was so fucking scared. Are you okay? Are you hurt-”

- You shook him off, shooting a bitter glare his way.

- “Why do you care?”

- You could see the life leave him. He instantly teared up, reaching for you.

- “God, mc, I do, I do, god i do please. Please please, please pleaseplease, don’t do this-”

- “What, push you away like you-”

- He pulled you into a sloppy, wet, kiss. His tears mingling with his inability to kiss properly.

- “I know I’m an asshole, I know I don’t deserve you. I just get so scared- I’m so gross, so disgusting, so stupid, Mc. And you’re so smart, so kind, so fucking calm. And I don’t deserve you, not in the slightest, but here you are,” He managed a weak, choked, laugh. “Finally realizing…”

- He held you close, refusing to let go, as he sobbed into your chest. “God, mc, please. Come home, lets talk, and then you can beat me within an inch of my life, but please god don’t leave me, don’t, not like this. Not like this, just any other way, not like this.”

- You put your stubbornness aside. Still angry, but longing some validation.

- The two of you settled in his car, awkwardly cuddling in the back seat in the abandoned parking lot, trying to calm down enough to drive.

- And in that time frame, you realized he was just as scared as you were. Once he heard your plans, he begged you to get help, he even promised he would come along to therapy, just anything so you didn’t harm yourself like you were thinking. He needed to know you were safe, and he would never forgive himself if he couldn’t stop you.

- But you knew for damn sure he wasn’t going to push you away anymore, not even if his mind told him to. You deserved more.

Saeran

- When he saw your recent search histories, he nearly broke down himself, recognizing a few of the searches as ones he used to look up himself.

- You, the wonderful woman who welcomed him with open arms. Despite those he hurt, despite him trying to hurt you. When you first saw him, you immediately hugged him so tightly, whispering on how thankful you were that he was alright.

- Something he would never forget.

- And here he was, reading the results you got for painless suicide methods. Once he saw one connected to your recent behavior, he shot out of his seat and sprinted to wherever you could be.

- When he found you, he was the one to break into sobs. He was so mad, so fucking mad, that he couldn’t stay composed, but he needed you, he needed you so bad.

- He fell to his knees, clinging onto your legs.

- “Mc, please god, please don’t do it, please for fucking gods sake don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me with an empty bed and guilt, god Mc I can’t take it, I can’t.”

- As soon as he started sobbing, you connected the pieces pretty quickly, and felt your own tears pour.

- You slowly met him on the floor, where he held you in a death-like grip, begging you without any shame.

- “Why, why, why? Why?”

- “I’m just. Worthless, Saera-”

- “Don’t you fucking even think that for one moment. I’ve killed people, mc, I’ve killed people worse than you, I’ve beaten people. God, Mc, I’m worse than you. If anything I’m the one more deserving to go rather than you.”

- He broke down again, ending up blubbering. “If you go I don’t know what I’d do. You’re the only thing keeping me sane, please god Mc, please don’t. Please. Please.”

- He just kept begging, and you started to wail.

- The two of you stayed on the floor just cuddling each other, unsure of what else to do. It took hours until the both of you could stop crying, until the both of you held hands so tightly and talked about the help for you to get.

- He would do anything, just anything, for his beautiful heaven like sky not to be taken away from him.

2

Requested Anonymously


Truth serums were the tools of science fiction and weirder subgenres of fantasy, not reality. Although, if we're being honest, you should have been prepared for any and all fantasy to enter into reality as long as you were traveling with the Doctor.

In case you haven’t guessed it, yes, you got hopped up on some nasty truth serum.

In your defense, this was totally not your fault. A human being could hardly be expected to be wary of random truth serum-injecting plants that no one bothered to warn you about. It wasn’t really the Doctor’s fault, either, except maybe through a lack of care, but you couldn’t expect him to remember every danger lurking on every planet you visited, so you could hardly blame him. So, there was nobody to be mad at about your predicament, which meant that the only thing you could legitimately take your anger out on was a plant that you never wanted to go anywhere near again.

There was a nasty-looking swirl of discolored skin on your calf from where a thorn on some sort of creeping vine had snagged your skin open. It didn’t actually feel that bad, and with the Doctor’s application of numbing agents, it didn’t feel like much of anything, but it still looked horrifically painful, which was probably what kept the Doctor hovering anxiously over you and applying totally unnecessary first aid measures.

“Never going that planet again,” the Doctor muttered, fussing without actually accomplishing anything. “Not ever. Should’ve remembered that vine, blasted thing, it’s always trouble, each and every time I come here, I swear to-”

“I want you to stop talking,” you blurted out, and immediately winced at your own rudeness. You usually got the Doctor to shut up via much politer and more tactful methods. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“I know you can’t help it,” the Doctor assured you, not looking at all offended by your gracelessly truthful speech. “It’ll go away in an hour, don’t you worry. Do you want me to leave you here while it wears off, or…?”

“Yes!” you immediately answered, followed by, “Or, no. I don’t know. I want you to go because I don’t want to say anything embarrassing in front of you but I want you to stay because you make me feel nice.”

The Doctor paused, his whole body stilling except for a quiver of movement that shook the gravity-defying strands of his hair. “I make you feel… nice?”

“Obviously,” you said, and your stomach lurched with fear. You couldn’t make yourself stop talking. “Not always, though. Sometimes you make me feel very sad and I wish that I didn’t like you so much.”

The Doctor’s lips twisted into a slight grimace. “Oh.”

“But I do like you so much. You’re worth it. More than worth it.” Stop talking, stop talking. “Because everything’s got happy pieces and sad pieces and you’re just like everything, but I love your sad pieces as much as I love your happy pieces.”

The Doctor’s mouth fell slack, displeased grimace completely taken over by a baffled expression. “You… do?”

“I love all the pieces of you,” you sighed happily even though your insides were twisting themselves into painful knots. You had just- the truth serum made you admit- you might as well have said- “I love you.”

Blast it.

The Doctor shuddered, the motion shaking his whole body, as he stared at you, taking you in. You were a mess from trekking through an alien jungle and getting attacked by an angry vine full of truth serum, but that’s not what he saw. He only saw dilated pupils, clammy skin, the fully purple color surrounding your wound. Symptoms of the plant’s full effect: you were telling the truth, whether you wanted to or not, whether you were aware of it or not.

You were telling the truth, and you loved him.

“Oh, thank Rassilon,” he sighed, and gathered you into his arms for the fiercest kiss that a Gallifreyan could give.