numb and crying

I don’t mean to make you worry.
I’m just searching for something to feel.
And if that means lacing my blood and
My mind with toxicity,
And wandering the roads till 5 am,
Or kissing strangers and trusting anyone.
Well that’s on me then.
Maybe there’s a better way, a safer way.
But here’s the thing-
I don’t care enough to find it anymore.
—  Mish. (Harmfulthinking)
Months ago I promised myself I will never cry again and I will become a strong and detached person. Now, I’m not sure I like the human being that I am. I haven’t cried since then, I haven’t complained without doing anything but I feel like a machine. I don’t have strong feelings, I don’t have feelings at all sometimes. I force myself to be positive and I am, but something is missing. I am so alike a cold robot that can select what to feel and what to do that is scaring me.

guys. GUYS. anyone suddenly plagued by the thought that Viktor actually had a very angsty childhood??? orphan Viktor,,, would,,, make so much sense,,, it would explain why Viktor was able to adapt to Hasetsu being his home so easily and why he left Makkachin at Hasetsu instead of leaving him in Russia and also why we’ve literally had NO exposition into Viktor’s childhood and who he was skating for like we’ve gotten with almost ALL the other skaters,,, not to mention it would explain why Viktor fell for Yuuri, the boy who gives him unconditional love, so hard