now you can pee like a man

6

 I’d just be obsessed with a movie. I’d need more. So we’d make Super-8s at home. It’s funny I should remake Halloween, because one of the movies I made as a kid in high school was a sequel to [Carpenter’s] Escape from New York. Later, you know, I moved to New York to go to school, got kicked out, and worked as a bike messenger and on Pee-wee’s Playhouse, and then started a band. Making movies seemed like, ‘How do you do that? I don’t even have money to eat. I’m not gonna make movies.’ It’s great now for kids, make some goofy movie, stick it on YouTube, and you’re a hero. Back then, it was like: 'Man, I can’t wait till I can save enough money to develop the film.’  – Rob Zombie

Man Vs Child:  One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting

About the Book

Moms have hundreds of parenting advice books willing to tackle the more cringe-inducing questions of parenthood. But what about books for the other half of the equation: the dads?

Man Vs. Child is a funny, fresh take on the parenting guide, written from the dad’s perspective.  More info here.


Buy the Book

The book is out in stores now or you can order here:

Amazon
Abrams
Barnes and Noble
Books-a-Million
Indiebound
Indigo
Powell’s


Praise

“Doug Moe has written a delightful and helpful book that gives real advice about the Wild West world of raising children.”  Amy Poehleractress, comedian, and New York Times bestselling author of Yes Please

“Thankfully for new fathers like me, Doug Moe knows it all, from little kids doing pee-pee to big kids doing homework. It’s essential reading for dads and future dads.”Michael Showalter, writer/director and cocreator of Wet Hot American Summer

“Doug Moe is the second-best father I know. Even if the only thing you get from this book is a good time, then Doug has done more for fathers than any other book of its kind.”Rob Corddry, actor and comedian, The Daily Show and Ballers

“I am about to have a baby and I am terrified and feel like an idiot! Then I read Doug Moe’s Man vs. Child! Now, I am prepared to have a baby. I am slightly less terrified and I am still an idiot! Thanks, Doug!” Bobby Moynihan, actor and comedian, Saturday Night Live

“Hurry up and buy this book! I didn’t get a chance before my baby came and now I’m screwed! Help! I haven’t slept in weeks and now I don’t know what I’m doing! Dammit, Doug, why didn’t you write this while I still had time to read books??” Rob Huebel, actor and comedian, Human Giant and Transparent

“Man vs. Child is a hilariously honest look at parenting that even moms can appreciate. I mean, any book that encourages new dads to ‘vacuum and be nice’ is one I can get behind!”Ilana Wiles, blogger and author of The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting

“A taut, erotic thriller. This is a smart, dark look at  the human condition, our strengths and our weaknesses.  Doug Moe has done it again.  I did not read this book.”- Jason Mantzoukas, actor and comedian, The League

“Doug Moe is hilarious. I’d read anything he wrote, including this book, which I read and loved. Doug’s writing is funny and irreverent, which could lead one to think he’s a bad dad, and quite honestly, I thought that for years. “That Doug Moe, he’s one tantrum away from ‘going out for a pack of cigarettes’ and never coming back,” we used to think and not say. But then his wife seemed to be sticking around, and she seems chill, so you gotta think he’s probably OK. Shady dude, though.“- Jon Daly, actor and comedian, Kroll Show

“…a tongue-in-cheek guide for new fathers with awkward questions, including—but not limited to—“Is It Okay to Bring My Baby to a Bar?” The short answer is no, but there are plenty of long answers as well: Moe writes from experience, and casts an empathetic eye on the shifting representations of modern fatherhood. “Old Dads,” Moe claims, could father from a distance, while the “New Dads” of today are rightfully expected to share playtime duties. He goes on to describe the awed affection new fathers may have for their children with relatable humor and genuine insight, offering a promising resource for the curious and the clueless.” - The New Yorker


Media

Feel free to email me here if you want to talk.  For media and publicity inquiries and interview requests, please contact Jennifer Bastien at jbastien@abramsbooks.com.

Download the press release

Writers and Readers:

Okay so I noticed that a few (a lot tbh) writers and readers have this issue with trying to tag someone, but their url not popping up OR it doesn’t link and notify them. As a writer and reader, this is annoying and frustrating. So here’s what you (reader) can do!

  1. Go into settings and click on your main or side blog
  2. Scroll down until you find “Privacy
  3. Make sure you have the first two switched on, like so:

But why?

  • I’ve always had the first switch on, so I truthfully can’t tell you that it will affect the tagging system. If you’re really adamant about keeping it off, then turn it off. But if you’re still not getting tagged/not showing up, then turn it on.
  • This one is a MUST. Having this turned off is basically making you nonexistent. Your url/blog will not show up in any kind of search, either from tumblr or google or whatever engine you use. If you keep it off, your url will not show up at all in the search/tagging system. Keep it on.
  • I had my blog flagged for NSFW because I would have the occasional nsfw post. For some reason (I haven’t figured out why yet) if you have this switched on, you won’t pop up in the search/tagging system. If you’re a hardcore adult-orientated blog, then it’s your choice if you want to keep your blog flagged, or be tagged in a fic.

If you (writer) still can’t tag the reader, then it might be because of:

  1. Main or side blog is protected by a password
  2. Blog is blocked (Person A cannot tag Person B because Person B blocked Person A)
  3. Tumblr is being a sack of burning shit more likely than the two above

spread to let readers know?
@after-avenging-hours (girl i saw those asks, i gotchu) @bovaria @just-call-me-mrs-captain @sebastiansin-221b @fvckingavengers @assembletheimagines @mattymattymerduck @matthewmurrdock @winchester-with-wings @mangosoldier @pleasecallmecaptain @capsbuchanan @catwomvn @stories-from-stark-tower @punkpeqqy @waitingfortherightpartner @avengersandchill @she-who-nailed-it @demonsebastian @sebbytrash @marvel-ash @bionic-buckyb @marveliskindacool @avengerofyourheart
sorry if I forgot anyone, its 4.12am ok

Imagine working at the DX with Soda and Steve

Author: Mare

A/N: sorry I know this is short. They are different short convos. Some of the sentences are dialogue prompts I found on Google images. Requests are open (check out our promot list to learn more) and I hope you enjoy.

Steve- …just to be sure. We are on the same page, right?

Soda- Page!? We’re not even in the same library

Steve: *comes up with a dumb idea*

Soda: That is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish idea. Let’s do it and see what happens.

Y/N: This is why we can’t have nice things.

Steve: Do you trust me?

Y/N: No.

Soda: Smart (man/woman)

Y/N: *getting picked on by a soc*

Steve: *grabs scissors*

Y/N: put those down, Steve

Steve: all right. *hands you the scissors* can I at least punch them

Sarcastic and cynical comments all the time

Y/N: You two are like blisters, you only turn up when all the hard work is done.

Soda: I want to go home now. I’m tired

Steve: And I want to go to the moon. It ain’t happening Pepsi-cola. It’s time to accept that.

Y/N: I gotta pee. I’ll be right back.

Steve: You got ten minutes kid. Ten.

Y/N: If we get arrested it’s your fault

Originally posted by theoutsidersofficial

Heyyyyy, I’m back! I needed a break for the holidays, but now everything’s cool and I’m doing some requests that’ve been in my ask box for a while. I’ll try to get them all out over the course of the next few days! 

 Also, they talk about pee a lot in this. Thought you should know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Part 1

 ————- 

 It had been a month. 

 A full month of nothing. 

 The Junkers visited every day, only to be greeted by steady constant beeps and echoed footsteps. The air was an everlasting cold, laced with the tense feeling of regret and uncertainty. Junkrat couldn’t handle it for longer than a few minutes. 

Roadhog couldn’t handle the pity being passed around constantly. 

 The sleeping quarters was quiet. They duo refused to leave Gibraltar without S/o. It had the highest tech, in terms of medicine, out of all the other accessed bases, but didn’t provide individual rooms for the agents. 

 So, there they sat, in the near open, letting themselves think in attempt to cope.

 "Ay, Rodie.“ Jamison spoke from his curled position on the mattress. 

 Roadhog grunted. 

 "Do ya think my noodles are done?”

 "Go check, I’m not your timer.“ He responded, slightly irked that the silence was broken. 

 "Pfff, fine! Don’t take my spot!” He rolled over off the bed and marked the spot he was sitting with a big, “X,” claiming it as his before hobbling over the the kitchen to check on his noodles. 

 The cooking area was empty, much like the rest of the base; the faint scent of ramen hanging in the air. A good sign. 

 The microwave beeped twice as he approached, moving to take the cup-like container out and let it cool. 

 He heard heavy rushed footsteps as he stirred the contents around, and he turned to see his companion approaching. 

 "Come. Now.“ He demanded grabbing the smaller man by his bomb harness. 

"But, my noodles!”

 "Shut up, you idiot!“

 _______________ 

 The beeping would not stop. It continued in a sort of rhythm. Over and over. 

 It was cold, uncomfortable. Your chest ached with each breath and your head pounded; yet, your eyelids remained closed, heavy as if the need for sleep was desperate. 

 Limbs refusing to cooperate, you decide to focus all of your energy into moving your fingers, and then to go on from there. 

 You felt you pointer finger twitch and a gasp sounded from the left, followed by the urgent clicking of heels. 

 A forceful feeling of energy surged through your body, causing a large involuntary intake of breath. The pain started to fade away, leaving you hyper aware of your body, but dulling your surroundings. 

 The room was bright, fuzzy and you collected that you were laying on a bed. You blinked, attempting to clear your vision. 

 Was that Angela? It looks like she’s talking, but the words are muffled. She’s fiddling with a machine, glancing between you and it. She looked so tired. 

 ”-bout now? Can you hear me?“ 

 You try to speak, coughing and hacking before letting out a weak, "yes." 

 She nearly squealed, "I-I did it! Are you okay, does anything hurt? Do you feel weird?”

 "I just feel a little tired.“

 "Okay, that is good!” She scurried around the room, pushing buttons, taking notes, checking screens. “If you think anything is even slightly wrong, tell me immediately!”

 "Alright.“

 "Athena,” she started, “tell the boys that she is awake! I think they are in the sleeping quarters." 

 "Can do." 

 You watched her as she worked around you. "What happened?” You questioned.

 She explained, thoroughly, and thoughtfully, what exactly happened as you lay and take it all in. This woman certainly was a miracle worker sometimes. 

 The door slid open, catching you off guard, and in barged your boys. 

 They nearly toppled over each other running to your bedside. They stood over you, unmoving until Junkrat reached out his shaky hands, almost afraid to touch you. 

 You met him half way, grabbing his hands in yours.

 "Hey there, James.“ You spoke, voice barely above a whisper.

 "H-hi.”

 You glanced over to the hog and smiled, “Hi Roadie." 

 He glanced quickly at the doctor before she nodded, allowing him to lift up your upper body in a gentle hug. 

 "How?” He muttered against you. 

 "Long story short, I managed to gather the negative chemicals and expel them through urination.“ Explained Angela.

 It was then that you noticed that there was indeed a tube in you for urine. 

 "So they peed it out?” Junkrat asked giving her a confused look. 

 "Yes.“ She moved the two aside, snapping on gloves. "Which reminds me; I need to switch out the bag.” She unclips a bag from the side of the bed and screws on a lid. 

 "So, my pee’s in that bag?“ She nods at your question and takes the bag to the other side of the room to store it for further examination, and switches it out for another. 

 "Haha, gross.” You chuckle weakly and Roadhog sighs. 

 "You’re still an idiot.“ He quips. 

 "Awww, but you missed me.” He paused and lets out a muffled, “…so?” Before stretching out in the chair beside your bed. 

 "James? Where are you going?“ You look past the larger man to the retreating form making his way to the door. 

 "Oh, my noodles are gettin’ cold.” He stated plainly. 

 "Really?“ Mako glares over his shoulder at him. 

 "Man, I could really go for some ramen right now.” You drooled. 

 "Absolutely not, you need to be monitored for a bit longer before you can eat!“ Angela intervenes. 

 "C'mon, doc! They went and peed all their nutrients out!”

 "Ramen noodles have no nutrients!“ She answered in rebuttal. 

 "Did it feel weird?” Roadhog whispers to you. “Peeing it out like that?" 

 "THAT IS ENOUGH TALK ABOUT PEE!” Angela roared. 

Don't. Touch. The Tea ~ A Markiplier Ego Fanfic

MY FIRST REQUEST AHHHHHH this is for the lovely @cookiecrunchxox who is super nice and made my day with their compliments and who first entered my askbox as the TEA ANON (that’s legit what i called u in my head NOT EVEN SORRY 😘☕) because of the theme of your request, so here we go!!!

Bim’s morning routine was a simple one, wake up, go to the kitchen, make a cup of steaming tea. Tea was important to Bim because it was one of the few aspects of normality in his life, it set him up for the day and it was vital for getting him out of his drowsy stupour. Bim sighed and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses as he waited for the kettle to boil, no one else was up yet as far as he could tell so there was no hustle or bustle to mess things up.

Bim smiled as the kettled whistled, he poured slowly and relished in the sweet scent of earl grey; granted, it wasn’t everyone’s favourite but he loved it. He stirred and let the teabag sit for a few moments, turning away from the counter so he could grab a paper towel to wrap it in for when he binned it. He swore he averted his eyes for barely a millisecond, but when he looked back…his mug was gone.

‘What the heck?’

Bim mumbled, he rubbed his eyes again but the mug was still gone. He was about to pinch himself in case he was dreaming when a loud splutter made him jump, Bim walked round the edge of the counter and round a corner. Then he sighed. He’d found his tea, which was in the hands of Wilford Warfstache. Said man had evidently just taken a sip going by the intense grimace on his face, as well as the light glare he was giving the mug.

‘How the hell do you drink this?! It tastes like baboon pee!’

Bim decided not to question how Wilford linked the tea to baboon pee, he didn’t particularly want to be put off the rest of his breakfast. He shuffled over, holding his hand out for the mug.

‘Well I like it, it wakes me up. Can I have it back now?’

Wilford hesitated as he looked from the mug, to Bim’s outstretched hand and back again. His lips quirked into a small grin as he looked at Bim, shrugged and started walking away.

‘Nah.’

…what? Bim was struck by confusion as Wilford started walking away, tea in hand. Bim shook his head and proceeded to follow him, he was not ready to deal with Wilford’s….Wilford-ness at this time in the morning.

‘Wilford give me my tea!’

Wilford turned to face him whilst still backing away from him, his eyes glittered as he took a pointedly large gulp from the mug. Which only made him cough and shiver, Bim sighed exasperantly.

‘You don’t even like it!’

Wilford snickered at Bim’s annoyance, placing his spare hand on his hip with a wide grin.

'Yeaaah but it’s funny seeing you try to be all angry.’

Bim glared at the moustached man which only made him cackle lightly as he backed away furthur, Bim went to lunge for the mug but Wilford lifted it up out of his reach.

'I want my damn tea Wilford!’

Wilford snickered as Bim tried to grab it frantically.

'Ah ah ah! “I want” doesn’t get!’

Wilford sprinted over to the kitchen cabinets, Bim hot on his heels; when Wilford reached said cabinets he smirked and stood on his tip-toes, placing the mug at the very top. Despite them all being derived from the same person, there were little differences…like Bim being just a few inches shorter. Said man sighed, looking from the cabinets to Wilford with a raised eyebrow.

'Wow Wilford, real mature.’

'Thanks, see ya later.’

Oh hell no, Wilford was not getting away that easily. Bim glared and flew at Wilford, who yelped in surprise at they tumbled to the laminate flooring; Bim wasted no time in settling on Wilford’s thighs and pinning his arms with his knees. He was gonna regret this. Wilford told himself he wasn’t worried, but the glimmer in Bim’s eyes meant he had to repress a minute shiver.

'Take the mug down. Now.’

Bim spoke calmly, narrowing his eyes at Wilford who gritted his teeth and smirked back defiantly.

'Make me Trimmer.’

Bim’s lips stretched into a wide grin as he rested his fingers on Wilford’s exposed sides, giggling gently when the man beneath him tensed.

'Gladly.’

Bim wiggled his fingers which immediatly made Wilford squeak and burst into bubbly giggles.

'AHA! Whahahat ahare yohohou dohohohoing?!’

Bim giggled with a gleeful grin as Wilford squirmed at his touch, he moved up so he could prod and pinch at his ribs. He was delighted at the brand new snorts and crackly cackling he drew from Wilford.

'Hopefully convincing you to get my tea for me, is it working?’

Wilford only laughed as his ribs were played with like piano keys, his eyes were squeezed shut as he could only lie back and accept what Bim did to him. Bim started spidering over his tummy, making him yelp and buck.

'NAHAHAHAHA DOHOHOHON’T!’

Wilford shrieked as Bim hands wormed under his shirt and worked on his belly, tormenting his bare skin very effectively.

'Sorry Wilford, but “Naaa don’t” doesn’t get.’

Bim snickered as Wilford growled and tried to glare through his mirth filled expression.

'Yohohou ahahare sohoho dehehead Trihi-AHAHAHAHA WAHAHAHAHAIT!!!’

Bim was wiggling and burrowing a finger in his belly button relentlessly, smiling innocently as he cupped his other hand to his ear.

'What was that? Did you just threaten me?!’

Bim deepened his voice and grinned at the light shiver Wilford emitted amidst his desperate cackles and squeals, he elected to trace around Wilford’s navel whilst he let the other flutter at Wilford’s neck.

'STAHAHAHAP THIHIHIHIS YOHOHOU DIHIHIHICK!!!’

Wilford tried to scrunch his neck furiously, reduced to mere snorts and giggles as Bim made his touch light. Said man sighed, disappointment lacing his voice.

'Gosh, threats AND name calling? You’re really not doing yourself any favo-’

'Fuhuhuhuck yohohohou!’

Bim smirked and laughed as Wilford tried glaring again, but the grin on his face and blush coating his cheeks meant it didn’t really have the desired effect. Bim narrowed his eyes and poked his belly button harshly, causing a loud yelp.

'Hey I’m talking!’

Wilford giggled nervously as Bim stilled his movements, resting his hands on top of Wilford’s tummy as it rose and fell with his breath.

'Now, are you gonna save yourself any more trouble and go and get my tea? This is your final warning!’

Wilford nibbled his bottom lip as Bim spoke reprimandingly, he still had a nervous grin on his face as his mind whirred away. Bim looked down at him expectantly…but was shocked to see Wilford wiggle his moustache and shake his head slowly.

'No?’

Bim’s fingers curled over his belly, Wilford repressed a light giggle as Bim tilted his head with a teasing smile.

'Are you quite sure about that?’

Wilford bit the inside of his cheek, internally screeching as Bim’s fingertips traced little torturous shapes. And yet…he nodded. Bim smirked.

'I didn’t wanna have to do this…but you leave me with no choice.’

Wilford shuddered and fell into giggles as Bim delicately traced over his torso for a few moments, but Wilford soon noticed that Bim’s fingers were, ever so slowly…heading downwards. He pulled at his arms weakly, despite knowing there was no point.

'Nohohononono Bihihihim plehehehehease…’

He looked up imploringly but Bim only grinned and tutted.

'It’s too late. You had your chance and you just…threw it away.’

Wilford gasped as Bim’s thumbs trailed over the protruding bones of his hips. His most ticklish spot. He locked eyes with Bim who grinned and suddenly vibrated his thumbs harshly.

'AHAHAHAHAHA BIHIHIHIHIHIM!!!’

Wilford screamed and wailed and bucked as Bim tormented his worst spot, Bim was heavily taken aback by the reaction but that didn’t stop him.

'Aww, tickle tickle Wilford! I can’t imagine how bad this must be…’

Wilford had no energy left to even think of a retort as he screeched unintelligibly, cursing his own bitchy stubbornness.

'NAHAHAHAHAHA PLEHEHEHEHE!!!’

Bim felt slightly guilty, he didn’t want to push Wilford too far so he lessened the intensity. He traced his hips gently, thankfully allowing Wilford to get his breath back whilst still giggling and snorting.

'Ihihihi’ll mahahake yohohou tehen cuhuhups ohof fuhuhuhuckihing tehehea! Juhuhuhust stahahahahap!!!’

Bim giggled with a hint of smugness as he hummed, Wilford gazed at him pleadingly and Bim made his decision.

'Hmmm, I guess you’ve learnt your lesson.’

Bim smiled widely when Wilford gave out an audible sigh of relief, he shuffled off him and stood. Bim offered his hand which Wilford accepted with a bombastic grin, he quickly brushed himself down and waved his hands waywardly.

'Right, tea.’

Bim giggled as Wilford reached up to the shelf, Bim couldn’t restrain himself from giving his side a light poke. Wilford jumped and waved his finger at him accusedly.

'Hehey!’

Bim held his hands up with a grin.

'Sorry sorry I couldn’t help it!’

Wilford glared half-heartedly before stretching and retrieving the mug, Bim looked on concernedly when Wilford’s face dropped.

'What’s wrong?’

Wilford turned to him with a light, sad pout.

'It’s gone cold!’

Bim sighed and let out a light laugh as he took the mug from Wilford, patting his shoulder gently.

'It’s fihine I’ll just make another one.’

Wilford’s dejected look disappeared as he leant against the counter contentedly, Bim primed the kettle and sorted himself with a fresh teabag. He ran a hand through his hair as he turned back to Wilford, a question nagging at him.

'Hey Wilford, why did you take my tea in the first place?’

Wilford grinned and folded his arms at his chest as he leant on the kitchen surface.

'Well…I always see you drinking like 3 cups a day, so I guess I just wanted to try it.’

Bim smiled surprisedly, mainly at the fact that Wilford had an actual reason other than just wanting to be bothersome. Huh.

'Well for future reference, earl grey is NOT a good introductory tea.’

'Noted.’

They both laughed gently, and suddenly Bim was struck with an idea. He clapped his hands making Wilford grin at his exciteable state.

'Ooh, I could make you some normal breakfast tea if you like? It’s the one people usually have first!’

Wilford perked up and nodded enthusiastically at the idea, and so Bim set to work. In my personal opinion, I think this proves the long discussed myth…that tea always has, and always will bring people together.

fricky heck I enjoyed writing that SO GODDAMN MUCH this has made my day, tell me if ya like it annnd yeah 😄 luv yous xx

JJBA Steel Ball Run, Vol. 1 Impressions

Mr. Sandman

“The French Are Laying On The Beach With Their Dicks And Tits Hanging Out”

Manful Tears

Well, This Is The Wild West

Yeah, I Have Questions About That Girl Too

What Is Up With Your Teeth

Counting Clouds

Just Like The Gypsy Woman Said

We Can Confirm That By Getting The Horse To Pee On A Stick

I’m A Cowboy

“I’m Seriously Thinking About Annoying You From The Bottom Of My Soul!”

“I’m Getting Scared By Your Face.”

Death Ball

“I’m Not A Nice Guy.”

Make Way For Wheelchair

It’s A Miracle?

Semi-Charmed Life

Well. Now We Know At Least One Jojo Has Had A Three-Way.

No Cuts, No Butts, No Coconuts

A Dorothy Parker Fan Gets His Revenge

Right In The Spine

Manful Tears

That’s Poor Bedside Manner

It’s Not Donating Blood If You Don’t Get Permission First

Is “Being Friendly” What The Kids Call It These Days?

Eating Words

It’s A Temporary Miracle

TFW You Touch A Man’s Ball And Are Finally Able To Stand Erect

You Go, Man. You Touch That Ball.

Twirly Fingers

Old West Shutter-Shades

Oh, So You Don’t Need Toilet Paper And A Toothbrush, But You Need A Teddy Bear

Ominous Abandoned Wheelchair

You Want To Get Trampled? Because That’s How You Get Trampled.

A Very Big Splinter

Sandy Hands

I Will Win This Horse Race Without A Horse

All The Pretty Little Horses

Trophy On Ice

Puns So Bad People Just Start Bursting Into Tears

OLD WEST DIO AND OLD WEST AVDOL

He’s Not On The Horse, But He Made It To The Starting Line So That’s Something

Have You Gained The Horse’s Respect?

It Don’t Mean A Thin If It Ain’t Got That Spin

So… Is This Guy’s Look Supposed To Be Like A Kappa Or What

Across The Country In Over Two Months

Horse Crash

MAKE WAY FOR CAMEL

Undone By Cacti

Ball Wizardry

Well. Bye Old West Avdol.

“Whatever I Can Get I’ll Take. Except For Diseases.”

So Do You Just Like Have A Full Set Of Gold Teeth Or

Silent and Deadly {Nicolas}

It’s a well-known fact that Nicolas Brown is a terrifying man. He is ferocious and cutthroat in the heat of battle. Those unlucky enough to cross his path are the most intimidated by his silence and the weight of his hawk-like gaze. To them, there’s nothing more horrifying. However, you know that’s a lie because there is such a thing. There is only one thing more silent, more deadly than the katana-wielding handyman himself:

Keep reading

beefcakequnari  asked:

(*^▽x)/

SEND (*^▽^)/  FOR THE MUN TO GOSSIP ABOUT ARDYN & HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH U || @beefcakequnari

^ this face is my reaction to your joke you did there.

Hi, the Iron Bull. See I didn’t forget the ‘the’ part. Very important I know. Ardyn is just as suspicious of you as you are of him. He is just very confident and acts like things don’t bother him. Now, now you wonder our resident man charged with telling if someone is lying… what is he hiding?

Whelp. He does want revenge against someone. Luckily none of you peeps on the south side of the Hamptons Thedas are part of it. Give him his due and he is unlikely to bust out into demons as you put it. But he has done something that would make you pee your circus sized pants. ….Can I also comment you two share a similar pattern on your pants?

Since I’ve now graduated, I think it’s about time to present a list of shit people have said at my fucking weird ass charter school. 

Advisor: “…maybe that could happen somewhere in the deep depths of the internet, but this isn’t the internet, guys." 
Student: "I beg to differ. This school is the dark part of tumblr that you go to at 3am and want to leave but you cAN’T." 

New student: "So there are two Thomases..?”
Student 1: “The good Thomas and the bad Thomas.”
Student 2: “Big Thomas and little Thomas.”
Student 1: “Young Thomas and old Thomas.”
Student 3: “The Thomas I HAVE punched in the balls and the Thomas I HAVENT punched in the balls.”
New student: “What." 

-"I feel like I should die just to demonstrate how much I hate math class." 

Advisor: "Does anyone have any announcements?”
*silence*
Student 1: “I popped a zit this morning.”
Student 2: “Dude. Why.”
Student 1: “SHE SAID IF WE HAD ANY ANNOUNCEMENTS.”

-“Okay, let’s move on from talking about Shawn’s bathroom schedule and get back to the discussion…" 

Leader of the congress budget meeting: "Okay, so where do you suggest we get money if we don’t get the grant?”
Student 1: “Let’s rob a bank!”
Student 2: *gasps in excitement* “I HAVE A FAKE MUSTACHE!!!" 

Shawn: "If we had a ping pong table it would make, like, one more thing to do at events like prom or chili night. ‘Win a game and you get a prize’ or something.”
Student 2: “Or, like, beer pong.”
Me: “Yeah that’d be great for a school.”
Shawn: “Okay, do y'all even know how to play beer pong? Because that is not it." 

Shawn: "I would like to have a mediation with the entirety of congress." 
Leader of congress: "Why? The ping pong tables?”
Student 1: “All in favor of letting this mediation happen?”
*most of room raises hands*
Student 2: “Wait I thought we were voting on the ping pong table.”
Shawn: “We SHOULD vote on that though, it’s good exercise for the wrists!”
Student 4: “Shawn, you don’t even LIKE ping pong.”
Shawn: “But other people do! You can get one at target for like a hundred bucks!”
LoC: “WHY ARE WE BACK ON THE PING PONG TABLES?!" 

Shawn: "GUYS! GUYS WE CAN GET 186 OLYMPIC STANDARD PING PONG BALLS FOR $8.69 WITH FREE SHIPPING ON AMAZON PRIME!”
Leader of congress: “Do not do it, Shawn. That’s how the Furbies happened." 

-"See, I’m writing this really profound essay. It’s based on Shia Lebeouf." 

-*staring aggressively at cafeteria food* "Alrighty, shitbun, let’s do this one more time…" 

 -*wine mom voice* "Richard can go suck a cock, but that’s sodomy so no thanks." 

-*about a student sketchbook* "Right, so I’m just going through page after page of Steve and Bucky, with random Furry pictures inbetween…" 

-*shouted from somewhere across the lunchroom* "SINNER SINNER CHICKEN DINNER!" 

Shawn:"Oh my god you like apple juice?! Why aren’t we dating?!" 
Me: "Because you’re dating someone." 
Student: "And. You’re gay." 

Advisor: "What are you guys doing?”
Me: “Math.”
Advisor: “Oh, what kind?”
Jonas: “Ge…geology…" 

-"Shawn, you can’t put "Come and get me, gay boys” as your senior quote.“ 

Advisor: "What current style do you guys like?”
Country kid: “Cowboy hats and cowboy boots.”
Jonas: “Those aren’t a style, they’re a mistake." 

"Why are you using a coffee filter for a plate?”
“It’s easier than using a plate.”
“They’re right there, in the cupboard!”
“Hey, don’t judge me, man…" 

Jonas: "All in favor of having Metro Transit come down to beat up the middleschoolers say I.”
All of congress: “I." 

-"No one cares, Xander, shut up and eat your god damn biscuit." 

Student: "Jonas. Don’t tie our hair together.”
Jonas: “…is that a Nixon 'no’ or a Regan 'no’…" 

Me: *wearily* "Tear down the system.”
Student: “bREAK IT DOWN BITCH! LEMME SEE YA BACK IT UP DROP THAT ASS DOWN LOW THEN-" 

Advisor about why he hates snapchat: "I don’t like it. You open up snapchat and it’s just a closeup of your face and you’re like "OH GOD GET IT AWAY!” It scares me.“ 

-"I’m really good at it. You can call me the… uh… 'the guy who’s really good at finding Hitler on Wikipedia’… or 'Campbell’ works, too…" 

Me: "Shit.”
Advisor: “Hey, the profanity needs to cool down.”
Me: “Sorry.”
Student: “Yeah Alex, what the fuck?" 

Student 1: "Bro did you get the memes I sent you at like 1am?”
Student 2: “Nah bro, I’ll check them out now." 

-"Man, I fuckin love juice." 

-"I want to pee close to you. Not ON you. Just close to you.”

sentence starters –> team starkid part 2

  • “You are a worthwhile person.”
  • “I’m just going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.”
  • “Don’t laugh at me, you overall failure!”
  • “With a wave of my hand, I can give a command, but it’s just like… whatever.”
  • “I’m just a sidekick but I love being at your side.”
  • “Look, I know that you’re a boy, so you like bugs, and boogers, and peeing standing up and shit.” 
  • “Oh man, now two people are mad at me!”
  • “I see a skeleton in a robe going ‘come here’…”
  • “My true passion is fanfiction!”
  • “It’s pretty dangerous to be one of my enemies. That’s why it’s a good thing that we’re… we’re friends.”
  • “Alright, gang, I’ll ignore that some of you are late if you ignore that I’m the latest.”
  • “Being an adult means being able to put sprinkles on ANYTHING YOU FUCKING WANT!”
  • “You and I are the two stupidest people I know.”
  • “I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks.”
  • “When the world sucks, just dance.”
  • “Can’t is a word for someone who has been beaten and broken, and that is not the man I see lying in a heap before me!”
  • “I don’t want my life to be like Spiderman 3, I hated that movie.”
  • “I’ll be in the drawing room painting a picture of the stupid look on your faces.”
  • “I heard one time a dementor kissed her… and it died.”
  • “There is nothing more badass than being who you are.”
  • “I want all of you, ______, and all I have to give you in return is myself. I wish I could give you more.”
  • “I see it now - you never were my friend.”
  • “There’s no ‘Being Gay for Dummies’ book, I googled it.”
  • “You know, I used to think looks weren’t important and now I think they’re more important than anything.”
  • “Ow! Don’t slap me with a pizza!”
  • “Wanna hold hands?”
  • “If money can’t fix it then I haven’t found it yet.”
  • “I am having the best day - this morning when I woke up, there were cookies.”
  • “Get some food in your belly!”
  • “You’re probably thinking ‘she’s got everything’… Well it’s true, ‘cause I do.”
  • “I just want everything and more.”
  • “You never once were nice. You never cared at all.”
  • “I’ve got places. I’ve got friends - I’ve got Joey, Ross and Chandler.”
  • “I wanna take off my clothes with you!”
  • “I like your twisted humour.”
  • “Good think that I’m around to keep your ass in line.”
  • “Never gonna win ‘till your enemies are dead - that’s the American way!”
  • “I think the girl with the dragon tattoo was on my bus…”
  • “Being an introvert is so nice! I feel like we’re all part of a nice, quiet club.”
  • “I’m gonna pass you a puppy under the table.”
  • “I’m laughing so hard I’m sweating!”

DISTANCE- JACK GILINSKY IMAGINE - PART ONE - CRUSH 
Jack and you have been best friends since first grade along with johnson sammy and nate.

your POV
~
you were at sammys place with the jacks and nate. you all were always together, right now you were watching a movie and curled up in a ball in jacks arms. you have had a crush on him for six years and sammy is the only one who knows. Jack never shows any signs of liking you back the same way, of course he loves you as a friend though, he always will. “y/n, can we uhh talk after the movie?” Jack asked sorta nervously. “yeah sure, what about?” “umm something kind of important.” he said. you just nodded your head in response drifting into your thoughts again. ‘what does he want to talk about?’ ‘does he know I like him?’ ‘what if sammy told him that I’ve liked him for years and he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?’ these thoughts kept itching their way into my mind while I tried to push them out.

-after movie-

you got up from your seat and went to the bathroom needing to pee because you drank cans of soda and a can of beer with the boys through out the movie. when you walked out you saw Jack and sammy talking in the kitchen. you hid behind a wall and heard what they were saying. “how do i do it man” Jack sighed quietly “just go up and tell her you like her,” hearing those words from sammy shattered my heart because now I know Jack doesn’t like me. “she for sure likes you back bro.” Jack sighed again then they left into the living room again. you popped your head in the living room saying “I’m going to head out boys, see you tomorrow.” as you opened the front door Jack followed you out. you were trying to walk to your car when Jack pulled your wrist “wait, you said we could talk, remember?” “oh. yeah,” you said emotionless. “what did you want to talk about?” you added “umm..well..I-I wanted toknowifyouwouldgoouttomorrownighrwothme.” he ended super fast so I couldn’t understand a word. “what? slower Jack.” “would you like to go out tomorrow night with me? like to dinner? for Valentine’s Day?” you looked at him in pure shock. “it’s okay you don’t have-” you cut him off with a kiss on the cheek and smiling while saying “yes, Jack I would love to go out with you tomorrow night.”

this will also be on wattpad @sammmyswilk distance // j.gilinsky [au] it’s sorta an au story in the beginning then they all get famous eventually
Three drabbles from three perspectives

Eames found the dog in an alley while he was supposed to be tailing a mark. It looked so helpless that he just had to pick it up and bring it back to the warehouse. He had a thing for pit bulls – misunderstood creatures, so often abused and then blamed for being afraid of people. “I would never let a pit bull near my child.” “It’s in their nature to be violent.”

It was a frigid day and the puppy was shivering. From the cold or from fear? Either way, Eames tucked him into his jacket. His little paw pads scrabbled against his chest at first, but soon the puppy relaxed and sank into his body heat.

When Eames first showed up at the warehouse with a stray dog, Arthur rolled his eyes. It was so like Eames, to impulsively take pity on some pathetic creature and assume that he could help it. But the more he watched Eames with the puppy — which he had begun calling “Sir Frederick,” or “Freddie” for short — the more he felt a creeping sense of fondness bleeding into his view of Eames. Maybe it was Eames’s attentiveness, the way he was constantly carrying Freddie around and laying absentminded kisses on his head. Maybe it was the contrast between this tiny, bumbling, helpless animal and Eames’s practiced, capable sturdiness. Whatever it was, Arthur felt an unfamiliar sense of envy, although whether he was envious of Eames or of the puppy, he wasn’t sure.

OH MY GOD HELLO YOU ARE WARM AND FRIENDLY

YOU HAVE A SPIKY FACE AND I LOVE YOU

YOU SMELL LIKE A FOREST I LIKE FORESTS I LIKE TO RUN AROUND AND DIG CAN WE GO DIG

IS THAT A BONE I LOVE BONES

YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD LIKE IS SOME FOOD DO YOU HAVE ANY

I WAS COLD BUT NOW I AM WARM THANK YOU

DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD THERE IS FOOD IN THE FORESTS

WHO IS THAT MAN CAN I PEE ON HIM

All the Places Prompt #8-Workout

Hey loves! I’m back with another installment to All the Places! This one was inspired by my lovely sister from another mister itsashethingtvblog. She posted a certain picture that got my mind turning. Here’s the picture Dom made that gave me the idea. Enjoy! 

(Picture couteresy of itsashethingtvblog)

Derek was getting on Ahsha’s last damn nerve. With the season slowly approaching, Derek was cranky as all get out and she was two seconds away from moving back with her mother until the first game. The Devils winning the championship only opened the doors for more Derek Roman success. He had picked up two major endorsements with Armani and Chevy. Everyone wanted an interview, a photoshoot, an appearance or whatever else you could name. Derek was super busy and still trying to prepare himself for the next season without Terrence. Winning the championship meant fans expected more from them, they wanted more rings for their favorite team. Derek wasn’t being an asshole because he was cocky, he was being an asshole because he was trying his best to uphold his new image. Derek Roman had done a complete 360 and shocked the world in the championship game. Once Terrence went down, people knew the Devils were done. There was no way they would be winning that game because Derek always choked in the big games. When he made the winning shot, that bad boy image began to fade. People saw how serious he was about winning the Devils another championship ring. Now with the next season on the horizon, Derek knew he had to come harder than the last. People were expecting more from him and he couldn’t disappoint. He spent extra time in the gym, extra time running, extra time practicing on top of other endeavors. He was literally overworking himself before the season could even begin. It worried Ahsha but she didn’t say much to keep their arguments to a minimum. That didn’t mean letting Derek get away with his moodiness. She had moved some of her items to the guest bedroom, where she tried to sleep until he would figure out she wasn’t in their bed. She had tried talking to him but his attitude would only disappear for a day or two. It had gotten to the point where she was thinking about talking to her dad about his star player. Derek was putting entirely too much stress on himself and it was a matter of time before the stress began to effect his health.

Ahsha threw the rest of her clothes into her duffle bag before packing away a few makeup items. “Your attitude it stank today dude,” she said to Derek, moving him to the side in order to grab her toothbrush.

“How? I’ve barely said a word all morning,” he huffed with his mouth full of toothpaste.

“Exactly! You’ve had this attitude for the past few weeks. It’s tiring. I’ll be back some time later, no telling how long this photoshoot lasts,” Ahsha sighed, kissing his cheek before making her way out of the bathroom. “You staying here all day or going to the arena?”

“Here,” he mumbled, waving her off. “See you later.”

In all honesty, she was glad she got to spend the day away from him. Maybe when she got back home he would be in better spirits. She took one last look at their reflection in the mirror before turning her back.

Derek heard her heels clicking down the steps and the door slam. She was pissed. Maybe he was a bit cranky that morning. He was just tired as hell and didn’t intend on taking his frustrations out on the one person in his corner. The stress of trying to keep a wholesome image was beginning to wear on him. All eyes were on him as the season was approaching. If he made one wrong move, people would think his changed man image was a sham and he was back to old Derek. He splashed cold water on his face before patting it dry with a towel. He had some making up to do if he didn’t want to lose his girl again…and for good this time.

………..

“How’s your mom and your maaaan,” Trisha, Ahsha’s makeup artist, asked as she groomed Ahsha’s brows.

“They’re good…and busy. Mom’s busy with Devil Girl stuff most of the time and Derek’s getting ready for the season. He’s been driving me insane the last few weeks so enough about him,” she replied, pursing her lips.

“Uh oh, trouble in paradise? Ain’t no way I could be mad at that man. You caught a good one girl,” Trisha cooed, blowing a bubble with her gum.

“Well if he had an attitude with you for no reason you’d be mad too. I don’t know what’s got into him but it’s wearing me down,” Ahsha groaned tiredly.

“Hmmm, maybe there’s another woman in the picture. Quincy was acting like that before I found out he was married with four kids. I bleached his shit and told him to get the steppin. Check his phone.”

“Nah, that’s not it. He’s been getting ready for the season and he’s stressing himself out. I would know if there was someone else in the picture by now. Derek isn’t a good liar, or I’m better at catching him. Psychology 101. I guess I can talk to him about his attitude though because it’s getting old.” Ahsha’s phone vibrated from her pocket. A picture of Derek in their gym popped up when she opened his message. His arms were bulging with droplets of sweat dripping down his muscles. She had to admit, he looked sexy as hell. Why must he do things like this when she was supposed to be mad at him? Under the picture he had typed, Thought this would make your day. I love you. She grinned as she continued staring at the picture. He always had a way of making her smile, regardless of the situation.

“Awww, what are you blushing about,” Trisha asked, brushing Ahsha’s brows down.

“Nothing, just laughing at something,” Ahsha blushed.

“Mmmmhhhhmmm, your man must be sending you naked pictures. Don’t worry, I won’t look…even though I’m tempted,” Trisha joked.

“Aye, watch it Trish,” Ahsha warned, giving her friend her best glare. “No naked pictures though. We don’t do that kind of stuff with all this phone hacking.”

“Alrighty then! Ya’ll make a beautiful couple though. I’m glad you’re happy and to be honest, I never liked Gerald.”

“Gerald? You mean German, Trisha?”

“German, Gerald, Germ-X…whatever the motherfucka’s name. His ass is in prison where he belongs. I always knew there was another side to him anyway. He was too good to be true. People like that live secret lives,” Trisha continued while she applied Ahsha’s foundation.

“Yea, I learned the hard way.”

“I’ll be right back. I need some more powder,” Trisha said before rushing off.

Ahsha took the chance to snap a selfie before sending it off to her man with a winky face. He immediately answered her back. You look good enough to eat. Wait until you get home. Ahsha immediately felt the spot between her legs tingle. She blushed and tucked her phone away before Trisha came back.

“What’s wrong with you girl? Got your legs all wrapped tight and smiling like a Cheshire cat,” Trisha questioned as she applied a little powder to Ahsha’s forehead.

“I have to pee,” Ahsha lied.

“Mmmmmmhhhhhmmm, you talk about Derek but you’re the one who can’t lie for shit. Now sit up so I can finish up your face.”

………

As soon as Ahsha was done with her photoshoot, she couldn’t get out of the place fast enough. She almost broke her neck running out the door and to her car. Derek had texted her and said he was on his second workout for the day and would be in the gym when she got home. She threw her bag down by the front door and made her way down to the lower level gym. Sure enough, he was running on the treadmill looking at SportsCenter. He didn’t even hear her enter the room. Ahsha hadn’t worked out in the past two days, so she figured she’d get a little run and ab work in while she wasn’t busy.

“How was the shoot,” Derek asked with his infamous smirk.

“Too damn long,” Ahsha complained, adjusting the treadmill to a steady speed. “At least it seemed like it.” After his text message, her mind went wandering and her lady parts kept reminding her that she had a gift waiting at home. Derek knew exactly what he was doing when he sent her that message.

“Aww, sorry about that,” he replied, the same satisfied smirk still on his face.

“I see you’re in a better mood.”

“Yea, I’m cool now. Just been stressed out about the season starting here soon,” Derek replied.

“I don’t know why. You’ll be perfectly fine, just stop bugging out for no reason.”

Derek stopped his treadmill and hopped off. “Well thanks baby. I’m about to hit the weights, you wanna join?”

“Nah, I’m going to do some ab work and call it a day.”

“Oh come on, there’s nothing wrong with lifting a little weight. I’ll spot you,” he winked, motioning her over.

“No Derek, my little arms can’t take those weights,” she answered, turning the speed up on her treadmill.

“Girl if you don’t come on. I’ll help you,” he laughed, walking over to her station and turning the treadmill off. “Only for a little bit and I’ll let you get your ab workout in.”

“Ugh, okay. Just for a minute though. That’s it,” Ahsha warned, walking over to the weight bar.

Derek picked up two 12 pound dumbbells and placed them in Ahsha’s hands. “Okay, stand with your feet shoulder width apart and keep your elbows close to your body. Keep your hips squared,” Derek placed his warm hands on her hips and held them firmly in place. He purposely brushed his lips against the back of her neck as he pulled her hair out of her face. “Now try to do 3 sets of 10 curls,” Derek whispered against her ear, before placing a wet kiss on her neck. He smiled to himself as Ahsha’s eyes closed and her breathing picked up. “I’ll be over here finishing up.”

“I’m only doing two sets of these, then I’m hitting the showers,” Ahsha said.

“Okay, ma’am. That’s fine by me,” he grunted as he lifted heavy weights. Ahsha finished up her second set and re-racked her dumbbells. Derek watched as she walked towards the gym’s bathroom, where the huge shower awaited her. The bathroom was opened, without a door or walls. The only wall was the glass wall around the shower and toilets. Ahsha kept her eyes on him as she came out of her spandex gym clothes. First her bra, then her leggings. She winked as she threw the items to the side and hopped into the shower. If he wanted to tease her she figured she’d play along. The water streamed down her back as she reached for the soap and towel. She had a feeling she would be needing another shower right after stepping out. Derek was looking rather sexy covered in sweat and he promised her a gift when she arrived home.

As she stepped out of the shower, she noticed the weight room was dark and quiet. She needed clothes so she made her way up the spiraled staircase to the master bedroom. The room was silent except for the sound of a shower going in the bathroom. Ahsha opened the door to the walk-in closet and with all the clothes she had, she still felt like she had nothing to wear. Sighing to herself, she picked out a pair of ripped jeans and a tank top.

“Thought you would be in here,” a deep voice boomed. Derek stood in the doorway, only covered with a towel. Water was still dripping down his chest, flowing down his sculpted abs. She had a Greek god standing right before her eyes. The man could wear a potato sack and still look sexy as hell.

“You left me down in that dark gym all alone,” she pouted.

“Ha! Sorry, you know the lights go off after a certain amount of time,” Derek answered, tracing the middle of Ahsha’s bare back making her shudder.

“Mmmhhhhmm.” Ahsha giggled as Derek’s beard tickled her shoulder. He nibbled at her neck before pulling her into his chest.

“Sorry for earlier,” he said. “And for those other days too.”

“I guess I forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again,” she replied with a sweet smile. “Seriously, stop being so hard on yourself. You’ll do fine this season and every one will be chanting your name. You’re Derek Roman, you can do anything you put your mind to? Remember?”

The couple rocked back and forth in silence before Derek spoke. “How in the hell did I snag a woman like you?”

“Hmmm, being rich and sexy,” Ahsha joked.

Derek playfully pushed her shoulder before turning her around to face him. “You’re a mess, you know that?”

“But you love this mess,” Ahsha cooed, raising her brow to emphasize her double meaning.

“I sure do,” he murmured against her lips. “Speaking of….” Derek dropped his towel, revealing ‘the gift’ he promised her earlier.

“In the closet,” Ahsha asked, as he moved back in to her lips.

“Yea, why not?”

Ahsha smirked before planting kisses on his chest as her hand roamed down to his thick piece. She was never this freaky with her ex. They were the boring couple who did everything the traditional way, on the bed whenever they had the time. Even with two busy schedules, Derek and Ahsha could always fit sex in. Who said the fun always had to take place in the bedroom? They had even had a little fun in a few public places. “Now what was I waiting for at home?” In one move, she was being lifted off the floor and her legs were being wrapped around his waist. She shrieked as Derek swung her around to the shoe counter. He swiped some of the shoes to the floor, sitting Ahsha on top of the marble counter top. He stationed himself between her mocha thighs, her hands grazing his toned back as his mouth began working on her shoulders and neck. She would surely have hickeys galore, nothing her makeup couldn’t fix. Her hands massaged the back of his neck as he trailed sweet kisses down her chest and stomach, leading to her thighs. She squirmed until she reached the end of the counter just anticipating what was coming next. The thought of what was coming next made her legs shake. You look good enough to eat. Yes, he meant that…literally. Her toes curled as he hit her most sensitive spot. The sensation almost sent her backwards but instead she gripped the end of the counter. She threw her head back, feeling like she was floating into another world. It should have been illegal for a man to be this good at pleasuring his mate. If her toes curled any more, she would probably lose them. She was already losing the feeling in her feet, due to them hanging over the edge of the marble counter top. “Yesss,” she sighed and with that he pulled away, knowing she was very close. They had come to know each other well in many aspects, sexually and emotionally. “Why’d you stop,” she groaned, scooting closer to the edge of the counter.

“I’m not quite done with you,” he replied smugly, gently pushing her on her back. The counter top was freezing and wasn’t the most comfortable place for love making. Ahsha pushed on his chest, wanting her turn at pleasing him, but he refused. “This isn’t about pleasing me. I have a lot of making up to do, remember?”

A sly grin played on Ahsha’s lips as she laid back on the counter and spread her legs and arms. “Well go ahead then,” she purred, moving her foot along his abs before he grabbed it and held her leg in place. “What? I’m playing nice but you know I don’t like to be teased.”

Their banter went back and forth for a few more seconds before Derek finally pinned her arms down and captured her lips in a sweltering kiss. The kind of kiss that wasn’t the pretty one you gave your man before work. The kind where tongues fought for dominance and teeth pulled at lips. Derek kissed his way back down her midsection and to one of her toned legs, where he was sitting at her entrance. “We’re going to need another shower,” he said, before pushing himself in her slick folds. “Uhhh,” Ahsha cried out, wrapping her free leg around his waist. With one leg up, she felt like she could feel him in her gut. Was that even possible? Her moans only fed his ego because he knew he was doing his job right. Dropping her leg to his shoulder, Derek closed in to capture her lips once again. His chest laid against her bare breasts as he kept the speed slow and steady, although Ahsha begged him to go faster. He ignored her request and continued teasing her with slight nibbles on her neck to whispers in her ear. As her back arched, he knew she was getting close but he still refused to speed up. It was complete torture for Ahsha and she was already planning her sweet revenge on him. “Please,” she begged, her voice hoarse. She raised her hips just to have him gently push them back down. A frustrated growl/moan escaped her lips as her center began to pulse. “Shit…I can’t hang on,” she cried before her body finally gave in to the game the baller was playing. The smirk on his face said it all. They were both competitive which only made the sex even better. He wasn’t too far behind her. Ahsha let out a pleased sigh and closed her heavy eyes.

“Damn, ready to go to sleep already,” Derek mumbled, kissing her lips and grabbing her hand to help her off the counter top.

“Nope, I need another shower first. Actually we both need one. How about you meet me in the bathroom…I think I need to teach you a little lesson,” she said, motioning him with her index finger.

“Oh really. I guess I was misbehaving a bit Miss Hayes. Lead the way,” Derek replied with a chuckle as his woman dragged him off to the bathroom for another round. He had surely had more than enough workouts for the day.

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Olicity: Abstinence

frenchswissborder said: Prompt? First night since they first got together when Oliver and Felicity don’t have sex?

“Okay, I’m gonna say it.”

“That we need to switch motels tomorrow? I agree.”

“Not exactly.”

“Oliver, I’m pretty sure the woman at the front desk had something contagious, and she’s the one washing our sheets.”

“It’s not that.”

“Oh? Wait, that’s a serious face. Why do you have serious face?”

“I think we should….not have sex tonight.”

“Oh, thank god.”

What?”

“What?”

Keep reading

Picture Perfect

Ship: Nalu

Story Type: Fluff (ish I guess?), Oneshot

Characters: Natsu Dragneel, Lucy Heartfilia, Gray Fullbuster

Summary: How to win over the girl of your dreams: have her catch you wearing nothing but a pair of hot pink, Disney Princess patterned boxers, attempting to photocopy your butt. Humiliating? You bet it is.

Birthday Present for @phantompierce-okamoto

Keep reading

I Watched You Burn, Mysterious and Bright

An exchange of letters from a ‘monster’ to a 'star’.

_____

Anthony Stark,

You say you are a product of mistakes, a creature born of suffering and observation of others who suffer. You claim your creations are the beacon to warm the hearts of man, to lead humans into the future that one can only reach if they follow in your footsteps, and learn from their mistakes.

I do not agree with this. You see, what you view as the torch you present or pass along, are those objects you produce. But you are wrong, these things can never be a beacon. You are the beacon. You, Stark, are the light to draw them forward, the hope, and their teacher.

Who better to show them how the journey is made from star dust to a celestial body? You have traveled the hardest road, and not only persevered, but shone brilliantly. You shine so brightly, even the gods stop to watch you burn.

You, Anthony Edward Stark, are the star that will power that world of yours until time, slowly and inevitably, fades away.

- Yours, your secret admirer.

_________

Keep reading