When we get back to the car, we both sit in an
extremely awkward silence. Neither of us
seems to know what to do. After all,
that was possibly the most pivotal moment of both of our lives. Where do we go from here?
Lips and tears and heat and fire.
When I turn to
nervously look at Baz, he’s staring straight ahead, his jaw set and his brow
heavy. He’s gripping the steering wheel
with both hands, but doesn’t make a move to actually start the car. Rain is beginning to dot the windshield, and
I can see my own breath whisper into the air.
is so tense, like he’s only just fully realizing what has happened.
Lips and tears and heat and fire.His
lips on mine.
I murmur, breaking the silence, “do you want me to drive?”
blinks like he’s snapped out of a daze and takes a breath. “No,” he says without looking at me, “it’s
fine.” He turns the key in the ignition,
and I notice his hands shaking.
I reach out and touch his arm without thinking.
“I’d really prefer if I drove.”
doesn’t flinch at my touch like I expect him to. He just stares at my hand on his skin with an
odd expression, like he’s trying to figure out something complicated. Like he’s thinking how did that get there?
not looking like he’s going to move, so I open my door and walk around to the
driver’s side, and only then does he actually get out of the car. He doesn’t look at me as he passes, barely brushing
me with his coat on the way.
we’re both in our seats, I start the car and turn us around, heading back the
way we came. I turn on the heat because
it’s freezing in here, but not the music.
As much as I want to break the silence, I can’t ignore the fact that
this isn’t just the normal we-kissed-what-now
kind of awkward. This is the you-almost-killed-yourself-and-as-a-result-we-kissed
kind of awkward, which is slightly heavier than the normal awkward.
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues.
I sneak a glance
at him. He gazes at the window. Not out,
okay?” I know it’s a stupid question, of
course he’s not, but I have to ask.
shrugs and very slightly shakes his head.
know it sounds dumb,” I say quietly, “but it’ll be alright. You’ll be okay.”
doesn’t look at me. I’m starting to
wonder if he ever will again.
I nearly killed us.
I nearly sent us both up in flames and then had him against a tree snogging
the life out of him. And here he is
asking if I’m okay.
for him though, because I’m not. Of
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues. His mouth, so full of heat.
I’m not okay, and
now I’ve let him see in graphic detail exactly how not-okay I am. I could not have made myself more vulnerable
in front of him, and the thought makes me want to curl into a ball, erase the
whole thing, make it never happen.
for the kissing. That part can stay.
though I have no idea if he meant it. It
might have been a final attempt to pull me out of my suicidal funk. Even the kisses after the fire was out were
probably just pity kisses, albeit very desperate pity kisses.
he says quietly, and I feel him glance at me, “how long… um, how long had you
“Forever.” It comes out without a thought.
fifth year.” Both are true.
thinks for a moment. “Why didn’t you say
had enough reason to hate me.”
don’t hate you.”
thought you hated me.”
did,” I nod, “until I loved you.” His
head whips to face me and I scrunch my eyes shut. I can’t believe I just said that. “Until I didn’t hate you anymore,” I try to
fix it, but I know it’s too late. It’s
out, it’s in the air between us, and it’s going to stay there forever, taunting
me with how he’ll never say it back.
I grit through my teeth, a tear squeezing out of my eye, “I can’t.” The tear makes its way down my cheek until it
drips into my mouth, and the taste is like Simon. I will probably forever associate the taste
of tears with kissing Simon.
he whispers, and we’re quiet for the rest of the drive. I try to keep my sobs silent, but I’m sure he’s
I could have killed him. If he’d died, it would have been my fault.
Tears on our tongues.
we finally pull into my driveway, I climb out of the car as soon as we’ve
stopped. I hear him call after me, but I
don’t pause. I slam the car door and
start stalking towards the house. It’s
so over for me. I thought I was ready to
die in the woods? I hadn’t been kissed
by the boy I love who will never love me.
How am I supposed to live with that?
footsteps on the driveway are quick like he’s running after me. I keep moving, tears blurring my vision.
catches up to me at the doorstep, throwing himself between me and the door,
blocking my entry.
out of the way, Snow,” I mutter, looking down.
We’re under the porch light now, he’ll be able to see what a mess I am,
and I can’t look at his expression.
what?” I snap. “What do you want?”
make the mistake of glancing at his face and I find tears running down his
want you to know that you’ll be okay,” he sobs, “and that I want you to be
nearly killed you, Snow,” I say, shuddering, “how can you possibly want me to
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues. His mouth, so full of heat. Flames licking at my vision.
wouldn’t have,” he shakes his head, “you were going to spell me away, and for
some reason, that’s more upsetting than if you’d tried to kill both of us.”
makes you think I would have saved you?”
was in your eyes.”
now his eyes are full of something I don’t recognize.
takes my hand tentatively. “I need you
to know something,” he tells me through his sobs, “because you probably think
that it was a sympathy kiss.”
exactly what I’m thinking.
never think that. Never think that the
first kiss, or any kisses after that were out of sympathy. I kissed you because I wanted to, a lot more
than I realized.” He sniffles, his eyes
pleading. “I’d kiss you again right now,
and tomorrow morning, and every day after that and none of it would be out of
sympathy, and I need you to understand that.”
shaking like a leaf. Because I’m tense,
because I’m cold, because I’m in some kind of shock, because of Simon’s words.
kiss me again?” I choke, unable to believe what I’m hearing.
goes pink and he’s smiling and crying and laughing all at once, and I finally
recognize what’s in his eyes because it’s exactly the same thing as what’s in
doesn’t answer with words. He stands on
tiptoe and takes me by the lapels of my ruined suit, pressing his mouth into
mine and it fits like we’ve been doing this forever, like it’s second
nature. His lips taste like tears again
and I’m certain that the taste of tears will always be bittersweet to me now, a
reminder that no matter how bad it gets, Simon Snow kissed me because he wanted to.
he would again. He is right now.
he would tomorrow morning, and every day after that.
anyways clary is my best friend and we've known luke forever and she's with jace and it's weird but i'm ok. I sleep in a canoe that isn't made of memory foam but I do like it tho memory foam...it's some good shit. you like it? no? o ok you don't wanna discuss beds, Me neither. nervous? i'm always nervous lol. um also I sank to an all time low recently [by betraying my bf who kicked me out after] but like...don't ask about it [him] and yeah that's about it
I am so sorry for making a big fuss, friends. I’ve been thinking a lot about this and decided not to leave here. I know I’m no one and my whereabouts are hardly important, but I think I should make myself clear. Here are my thoughts;
a) I can ship anything. I’ve shipped Doctor Strange/Ross ever since Civil War came out. I love and respect BP too as a movie itself, I don’t want the movie just for some shipping. And I know other many shippers are the same.
b) Well, I had actually started deleting posts on my blog. I just couldn’t delete my account right away before download all the gifs ‘cause I don’t have my old gifs myself. Shame. But then I found that even after I had deleted my gifs, they would be reblogged forever without their home. And Tumblr even didn’t let me change the blog private. Guh.
c) I kept wondering; if I left here, would I also leave Sherlock or Benedict or Martin fandom or shipping Johnlock, EverStrange(or Stross?) or other things forever? I didn’t think so. I’ll end up coming back here again. With a new blog. Then where’s the meaning of deleting the old one.
d) There are so many good people here. I’ve got lots of sincere and heart warming messages. They gave me precious advice and provided new views that I should consider. I don’t want to bomb my dash with them, so please understand if I don’t reply. I’m so lucky and happy to have people like you, friends. I don’t know where else I can find friends like you. Thank you for your support. I love you all.
So, after making a scene and fully embarrassing myself in front of everybody, I’m still here. I apologize again for this. If someone don’t like having me here, please feel free to ignore / unfollow / block me. Thank you.
I just wanted to say I figured out the real reason behind Quiet’s entire design.
The secret is that she’s actually a HUGE dork! She clearly spent all her life learning how to kill, so she never had a chance to explore fashion or interacting with people!
When she finds out she can’t wear much clothing and can’t wear her normal uniform, it’s like the first time she ever gets to pick out her own clothing. She picks out something she thinks seems sexy and cool~ but little does she know she just comes off as a fashion nightmare to everyone else. Boss and Ocelot are too nice to tell her otherwise!!!
This also explains why does all the weird shit she does, the “sexy” shower, the “sexy” walking, the “sexy interpretive dance in the rain” that makes everyone go wtf?? This woman has no idea how to act normally around a guy she has a crush on so she defaults to awkwardly mimicing what she THINKS is “hot” to guys.
It ALL MAKES SENSE, SHE’S JUST A GIANT FASHION BACKWARD DORK THAT HAS A CRUSH. THIS ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED CINNAMON ROLL.
I used to ship RusAme pretty heavy, but not so much now because after a while it felt like all I was reading was Cold War hate sex..& I feel like you can only read so much Cold War hate sex before it’s like “Ok, I get it,” y'know? Like it was either that, or BDSM -like, non-vanilla kink stuff & that’s cool! Nothing wrong with any of it, & I enjoy that every now & then but it’s like where’s the love? Where’s the fluff? Where’s the cute fics where they go on date nights nshit? Where’s the high-school AUs where Alfred’s struggling with how to confess his feelings to Ivan, only for Ivan to do it first, like..Hell, even if it’s smutty fluff, like..WHERE IS THE LOVE?
There was no point this, I just had to get these random thoughts off.
To @scapegrace74-blog girl your STYLE when you write is captivating and I’m thrilled to have recently found out about you and that skill you’ve got going on.
To @myassbrokethefall because you know you’re basically my constant, Catherine. My ‘hashtag tumblr touchstone.’ She has been kind enough, and uh, there have been times when I’ve been more present on the tumblr or…less, let’s say, than other times. But Catherine has been just doing just wonderful work reblogging all the necessary things and she’s, you know, been there, for me. And I feel like it’s for…you know, for me.
When the stars in the sky fade into one- Lellinger fic (2.2k)
Sooo…I might have written another fanfic and because a lot of you seemed to like my previous ones (I know you are right beside me and You give it all but i want more) i decided to post this one too :) But I always like to say a couple of things first though and i hope you don’t mind. This fic is kinda special to me because i wrote most of it on my way home from Innsbruck, so i have it as a little memory from there. (By the way, i completely fell in love with Innsbruck, I can’t even believe how beautiful it is.) Also i still feel awkward writing cute and fluffy scenes because everytime i write something very sentimential i remember myself that they are actual people and then i get a writers block haha. That’s also the reason it took me so long to post another one because i didn’t want to post something just for the sake of posting. I also noticed that all my three fics are kinda similar (at least some of the moments) so if any of you have some prompts, i will gladly accept them. I also have to mention that this idea was stuck in my mind ever since the ‘Lellinger room are late sleepers’ thing was mentioned and i couldn’t get it out of my head. Also i noticed that Stephan barely wears gloves so the ‘warming up their hands’ seemed appropriate haha. Okay, enough of spoilers and me rambling, enjoy :)
never woke up in the middle of the night, but this time it felt different. The weight
that was normally on the right side of the bed was gone and instead of the comfortable
warmth coming from the other body, there was an empty space and the bed felt
completely too big. When he opened his eyes he was met with piercing darkness.
A slight beam of moonlight was shining through the window, signaling that it
was still the middle of the night. He turned on the bedside lamp and he needed
a couple of seconds to get used to the brightness. His gaze immediately fell to
the other side of the bed, his heart falling when he saw that Stephan wasn’t
there. His mind became hazy with negative thoughts and concern and his brain
wasn’t able to realize what was happening. He closed his eyes again, trying to
convince himself that it’s just a dream he would soon wake up from, but when he
opened his eyes, Stephan was still missing. His heart started to panic and his
hands flew to his phone. No messages. No calls. He looked around the room again
and this time a piece of scribbled paper caught his attention. He recognized
the messy writing as Stephan’s and with sleepy eyes he read the sentence.
‘Couldn’t sleep, so I went to the hill. Don’t worry.’ A wave of relief
overflowed him and he cursed himself for always thinking about the worst
possible situations. He exhaled a loud sigh and sank back into the mattress.
Closing his eyes he tried to fall back asleep, but his brain didn’t stop
working. His mind was clouded with thoughts about Stephan, and the million
things the other could be thinking about. His roommate was an over thinker,
always beating himself up about things he might have done or said wrong. He
always kept himself in the back, not wanting others to worry about his
problems. But to Andi it was obvious when something wasn’t quite right and when
he couldn’t close his eyes again and fall back a sleep, he decided to go out
and look for him. He got up from the bed and started putting on his hoodie, thinking
about Stephan who probably hadn’t dressed up enough and was now freezing. He
grabbed another jacket and left their hotel room, sneaking through the halls
and trying to keep quiet. The ski jumping hill wasn’t far from the hotel but he
was still surprised Stephan went to it. Even though they had a competition
there tomorrow and the workers obviously knew them, it still wasn’t acceptable
for them to go there in the middle of the night, without anyone knowing. He continued walking and pushed his hands
deeper into his pockets, slowly getting closer to the hill. He spotted a figure
sitting on the stairs on half of the way up to the top, curled into himself
with his head resting in his palms. When Andi left the room he didn’t really plan
what he will say, he just knew he had to get to Stephan as soon as possible. With
each step he got more and more nervous and he tightened the grip on the jacket
he was still holding in his hands. He climbed through the gates around the
entrance and continued walking to the stairs. His gaze moved from his shoes to
the person he immediately recognized as Stephan and the moment the other one
saw him, a gentle smile spread on his face. He almost looked apologetic as was
always in his nature, but the relief of the fact that Andi was there was
clearly visible on his soft features. Andi couldn’t help but smile too, still
walking up the stairs with steady pace while his heart was beating as loud as
the sound of his steps in the empty arena. A soft 'Hi,’ interrupted his
thoughts and the sound of Stephan’s voice made his heart skip a beat. Instead
of greeting him back he broke the silence with a voice full of worry that he
was trying so hard to hide. “You are so stupid, you know. Just leaving the bed in
only a sweater and coming up here to sit in the cold.” Stephan was quiet at
that, simply not knowing what to say. The silence fell back between them again,
his eyes falling to the city that was deep bellow them and then almost
whispering, “just couldn’t sleep, that’s all.” Andi sighed at that, not
satisfied with the answer but he decided he would try and get more out of him
later. He handed Stephan the jacket and couldn’t help but notice the cold fingers
that brushed his and gave him a strange feeling. Sitting down he signed again while
Stephan gave him a thankful smile. They sat in comfortable silence for a couple
of minutes, both looking at the gorgeous town bellow them that was lit up by thousands
of lights while Stephan was still slightly trembling. Without thinking about it
twice Andi scooted closer to him and wrapped his hands around the other’s body,
trying to give him as much of his own warmth as possible. “I hope you know that
I’m always here to talk if you need to get things out of your head.” Stephan
smiled at that, keeping his gaze on his hands while nervously playing with his
fingers, not wanting to say anything wrong. He always admired Andreas for his
kindness and he wanted to open up to him, to tell him all the things that lay
heavy in his heart but at the same time he just couldn’t imagine worrying Andi
with his thoughts and putting down his always cheerful and positive mood. The
searching and hopeful pair of blue eyes convinced him though, and he decided
telling Andi what was on his mind could lift the weight that he was struggling
with for a couple of months off of his shoulders. “I feel like I shouldn’t be
in the team for Lahti, I’m the weakest of us all and putting me in the team
would only bring us bad results. On top of that, I feel like I shouldn’t even deserve
to be in World Cup as I’m obviously here just because Freund had an injury.” Words
were unguardedly flowing through his mouth and he was afraid to look at Andi,
who was still listening. “I feel like I don’t belong here, my results are nowhere
near as good as everyone else’s and I just fell so left out.” With that, he
ended his uncontrolled sentences that were coming directly from his heart, the realization
of the fact that he was actually saying them making his eyes water. He tried to
subtly wipe away his tears with his cold hands, too nervous to take a look to
the side, knowing how much Andi hated when he talked low of himself. Suddenly, he
felt warm hands grabbing his own and pulling them from his face, Andi’s fingers
wrapping around his and giving him warmth, gently stroking the knuckles. It
felt nice to have someone there beside him and he always knew Andi was the right
person to open up to. Now that everything was out of his heart, he didn’t know
why he hadn’t told him sooner. “I know it may sound strange, but I once felt
the same.” Just as Stephan wanted to protest and point out that Andi always was
and is good at this, Andi interrupted him. “I was the youngest and everyone was
looking at me from above, not believing in my capability and leaving me behind.
I felt awful and at that moment all I had to do was believe in myself. I didn’t
really have anyone to give me support and keep my head up and I often thought
none of it is worth it. Just now I realize how big of a mistake I could have made.
But I continued, step after step and I would usually beat myself about every
bad jump but I would still get up stronger and it gave me hope and motivation
for the future. I knew what I wanted and I know you do too. I am so thankful
that I kept on fighting just for myself when I knew nobody else would because
if I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t be here now.” He stopped for a moment, his gaze
still fixed on Stephan who was looking at their interlaced hands. It reminded him how nervous he actually was,
but he continued anyway. “All you need to do is believe in yourself, Stephan.” With
that, he gently nudged him with his shoulder, trying to get him to understand
his words. He finally looked up at Andi, his eyes gleaming with gratefulness
and he gave him one of his brightest smiles. “I mean it, Stephan. I don’t want
you to ever put yourself down. Not only it’s bad for you, but it also hurts
me.” They were still holding hands, with their shoulders close together and
Andi was having a hard time concentrating. He really hoped he managed to
convince Stephan that he is worth so much more than he thinks he is and that he
definitely belongs here. He is adored by people and his teammates love him,
some even more than they probably should, so he really didn’t see a reason for
his self-consciousness. Stephan was still quiet, taken aback by the sudden
openness from Andi. The words sank into his brain and he couldn’t get the last
sentence out of his head. The actions were much easier said than done, but he
promised himself he would at least try it. It meant a lot to him that someone
was there; longing to listen to his problems and it meant even more that Andi
actually tried to help him by giving him confidence that he needed. He felt
extremely close to him and he never expected a conversation could have such an
impact on him. The silence between them spoke for itself, both having million
thoughts in their heads but neither of them was able to form them into words.
Even though Stephan felt like his heart had never been opened up like that
before; showing how vulnerable he actually was, he was afraid of showing that
through the actions. Just a soft brush of their hands made his heart flutter
and having his hands warmed up by Andi was enough to leave him breathless. He
pushed the nervousness from his thoughts and rested his head on Andi’s
shoulder, hoping the motion wasn’t too straightforward. It was a simple action,
but it meant a lot to him and he tried to subtly tell just how much Andi meant
to him and how overwhelmed he was by his words. Andi melted at that and signed,
only now realizing he was holding his breath the whole time. He was afraid his
feelings were too obvious, but it didn’t matter now because he was sure Stephan
felt the same. Their touch was full of tenderness and it told more than words
ever could. They stayed like that for a moment; cuddled up into each other and
keeping themselves warm. It was Stephan who broke the silence first, even
though he would much rather stay like that the whole night. “We should probably
go to back the hotel soon, otherwise we will be late in the morning, again.”
Andi just nodded, enjoying the moment too much to actually move. Stephan smiled
at him and got up, pulling him by his hand and softly caressed his palm. Andi
didn’t disobey, he got up as well and sleepily started to walk down the stairs.
They walked hand in hand, both trying to convince themselves it was just for
the sake of keeping each other warm, but they knew that wasn’t the main reason.
Their steps were heavy and loud, tiredness taking over their bodies and
reminding them that it was the middle of the night. The moon was still high
above them, lightning up the way to the hotel and brightening their joyful
faces. Their walk to the room was quiet, both afraid of being seen and when
Andi unlocked the door, they immediately crashed down on their bed. “You owe me
an hour of sleep,” Andi said jokingly and managed a playful smile despite of
his tiredness. Stephan just smirked at him and pulled the covers over himself,
tugging them away from Andi. “I said you didn’t have to come though, so it’s
not my fault you were so concerned that you had to go after me.” The other just
rolled his eyes and turned to the side, sleepiness slowly taking over his body.
He almost fell asleep when he heard a soft voice that always manage to send
chills down his spine. “But I’m glad you did.” Stephan probably didn’t expect
him to respond or even to hear, but Andi subtly moved closer and hugged him
from behind, nuzzling his head into his neck. They fell asleep close against
eachother and if they woke up late the next morning, they didn’t mind.