now horton

“He’s dead they can’t bring him back,” they said. “It’ll probably never happen,” they said.

“It could happen. I’ve seen crazier things happen in soapland,” I said over and over and over again.

It’s happening 🙌😎

Seussical in a nutshell
  • jojo: wow nice hat
  • cat: im here now, sO USE YOUR IMAAAAGINATION
  • -
  • horton: wtf who said that. theres only a speck of dust so the logical conclusion is that a miniature person is on that speck. actually a whole lot
  • sour kangaroo: bitch you cray!!!
  • gertrude: damn that elephant fine as hell
  • -
  • dust speck: so anyway horton you were totally right; we're a lost civilization on the brink of war and we're all about to die. Who-dee-who-who-who. Also we're guilting you into being our guardian. Who-who-who.
  • -
  • cat: jojo you're going into the story whether you like it or not
  • mr. and mrs. mayor: jojo you're grounded. no more thinking.
  • jojo: fuck yall i do what i want
  • mr. and mrs mayor: well we obviously don't know how to raise a kid so we're just gonna send you off to the war
  • -
  • horton: well everyone thinks i'm crazy but that's ok because i can imagine that i'm cool
  • jojo: well my parents sent me into the military but that's ok because i can imagine that my family accepts me for who i am
  • horton: yo lmao i hear you down there lets be friends 4 ever
  • -
  • gertrude: ugh i really wanna fuck this elephant but i'm not attractive :/
  • mayzie: bitch u right. go take drugs.
  • gertrude: k. ima go ham tho
  • -
  • wickersham brothers: lmao look at this nerd with that flower. yoink that shiz
  • horton: wtf literally why would u do that there was honestly no need and now i have to search through millions of identical fucking clovers to find my tiny fren jojo
  • -
  • cat: by the way did i mention im a sadist??
  • -
  • gertrude: hey im sexy now wanna get down
  • horton: hush im picking flowers
  • -
  • mayzie: always use a condom kids. horton, watch my egg for me
  • horton: why the fuck would i do that
  • mayzie: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease
  • horton: ok ok fine but be back in like an hour
  • mayzie: LMFAO BY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE YOU IN HELL!!
  • -
  • horton: well its winter now and jojo and the Whos are probably dead but i refuse to move my ass off this egg ok it is my My Child now andOH FUCK HUNTERS
  • Cat: by the way did i mention that i'm also a trickster god?
  • -
  • gertrude: oh no im too sexy to fly... sorry horton.. ur ass about to get carted off to the circus :(
  • horton: god this sucks
  • -
  • mayzie: oh hey theres a circus in town and OH SHIT ITS THE GUY I DUMPED THAT KID ON uh hey man im so happy for u... such a big success... performing in a circus!! lucky u!! anyway i gotta go right now immediately so enjoy that egg!
  • horton: Where Is Paradise
  • -
  • jojo: fuck this war im going home to think what i wanna think
  • general schmitz: kid you're walking on a minefield... literally one wrong step and your dea-- ok too late..
  • -
  • cat: oh yes HOW VERY SAD boohoohoohahahaha dont worry jojo isnt actually dead he's just trapped in a nightmare realm filled with Unspeakable Horrors
  • jojo: fuck you cat!!! you've legit been behind everything bad that's happened! why didn't i call you the fuck out earlier!
  • cat: ok damn fine i'll turn on the lights geez...
  • -
  • gertrude: hi horton great to see you again hahaha so um i got all of my Sexiness™ ripped out of my ass one by one so that i could find you (and a whole lot of other shit) but no big deal haha
  • gertrude: oh also i found your dumb clover
  • cat: oh you thought this was gonna be a happy ending right here? you thought wrong
  • sour kangaroo: BITCH WE PUTTING YOU ON TRIAL
  • judje yertle: well horton's definitely crazy and were gonna boil that clover with the dust speck on it in hot oil for literally no other reason but to prove a point
  • horton: so uh guys if you dont wanna die you should probably start screaming
  • mr and mrs mayor: well the combined forces of our entire planet had no effect so we're just gonna put all the pressure on you, jojo, our small son, who only a few moments ago we thought was dead.
  • jojo: *gibberish*
  • sour kangaroo: well i heard that shit!
  • everyone: hooray!
  • egg: henlo fatgher i am Elyphant Birb
  • horton: wtf
  • gertrude: eh, we'll make it work
  • -
  • -
  • THE END

ok but tell me someone has made a joke about the boys chirping jack and bitty into oblivion because of tim horton’s timbits and how close it sounds to zimbits???

  • like ransom is making his daily timmys run like the good canadian he is and jack and bitty are sitting at a table drinking coffee (gotta mix it up from annie’s every now and again).  he gives them a short wave and goes to get his coffee when he turns back and sees an ad for timbits in the window between jack and bitty and he just.  stops.  slowly takes a pic on his phone and sends it to the group chat.  enter: chaos.
  • holster is the haus’s resident pun master and he is SO ANGRY he didn’t make the connection first.
  • chowder thinks it’s adorable and points out that it’s canadian baked goods!!!!! so it really does fit!!!! it was meant to be!!!! <3
    • chowder: cuz jack’s canadian and bitty’s a baker!!!! it’s perfect!!!
    • bitty: aww chowder!!! you’re so sweet!
    • jack: i think in this scenario you’re the sweet one, bits.
    • lardo: FIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE
  • lardo fining the hell out of their cute asses.
  • rans and holster coming home with a box and smushing two together making exaggerated sex noises in the living room
  • it becomes a Haus Thing to buy timbits and take a selfie with the box “just hanging out with jack and bitty.  love these guys”
    • shitty definitely takes it too far and makes a video of himself naked and making out with donuts and tags it “finally part of the threesome i always wanted”
‘Skating’ Lessons - Matthew Tkachuk

Originally posted by liasandersson

Note: ok honestly im pretty sure i’ve spelt matty’s last name wrong every time i spell it so if its spelt wrong just hmu and tell me im dumb also v sorry this is terrible rip to all you reading

Mentions: Auston Matthews, Johnny Hockey

Warnings: matt’s an asshole lol

Requested by Anonymous: Can you do a matthew tkachuk imagine where he teaches you how to skate?   

Up Next: Noah Hanifin maybe idk

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Tim Hortons is now in Cincinnati and northern Kentucky. They Canadians are taking over.

Yeah it’ll probably take over the east coast. But the west coast has the great wall of Starbucks because of Seattle

an explanation

okay, so a lot of people have been messaging me about the seussical posts i’ve been making, about how i think the cat in the hat is a trickster god and whatnot, but rest assured that i am NOT EXAGGERATING HOW FUCKED UP THIS MUSICAL IS.

for those of you who’ve never heard of Seussical the Musical, it’s basically a mash-up of famous Dr. Seuss stories, which sound harmless enough, right? at least, that’s what i thought when i performed the Jr version a about 5 years ago at my camp. About two months ago, I got some of the songs stuck in my head and decided to look it up, and finally read the original script.

(this has some… well a lot of spoilers, so i guess if you plan on somehow seeing it then you might just want to skip this post)


Let’s just start off with the Whos. Most American children have read Horton Hears a Who at some point, and we’re all familiar with their precarious fate of the Whos’ tiny planet, floating aimlessly on a speck of dust, leaving them vulnerable to crashing, drowning, and any other kind of atrocity that could happen to a minuscule world. However, the Seussical writers decided to add on having the Whos fight the Butter Battle (from the Butter Battle Book, a Cold-War era Seuss story about mutually-assured destruction)


Now, let’s go onto the Cat in the Hat character. HOoooOOOoOOOOo fuckin boy. This guy. This fucker. No words can explain how much I’d like to sock him in the nose.

So, basically, the show starts off with a Boy finding that iconic red and white striped hat on the stage and then thinking Cat into existence. Cat acts as a narrator (as well as inserting himself as certain minor roles), and the Boy had been co-narrating with him until after the Who song, when Cat shoves him into the story, making him Jojo, the mayor’s son.

So now it’s established that the Boy, Cat’s creator, has no power over him, and this is where Cat starts manipulating things. Skip forward a couple scenes, and the planet of Who is in mortal peril. Vlad Vladikoff has just dropped them from mid air and they’re falling to the ground, a hundred miles down. Now, by this point in the show, Jojo and Horton, the main character of the entire show, have met and become friends, so Horton’s is particularly mortified by this. Then, this fucker, this fucking cat jumps on stage, freezes time, and starts singing to a cheerful tune about how lucky the audience is to not be a Who. 

So that happens. Now Horton has to search through thousands upon thousands of clovers to find the Whos, and after a certain amount of time he becomes hopeless. Enter: Mayzie LaBird, who’s sick and tired of having to sit on her egg, and begs Horton to take her place so she can rest for an hour or two. Horton, poor sweet naive Horton, agrees, and Mayzie of course fucks off to Palm Beach, leaving Horton to sit his ass on that egg for nearly a year, through the fall, winter, and spring, and because of this he is unable to continue looking for the Whos.

Suddenly, a group of hunters appear! They surround Horton, and while Gertrude McFuzz (a bird who’s romantically interested in Horton), is nearby, she can’t do anything but watch, because the tail she had grown to impress Horton was now too heavy to fly with. At this terrifying moment, our local trickster cat decides it’s time for a reprise of “How Lucky You Are’, only this time he decides to let the characters themselves sing it, their expressions going from petrified to jolly as they’re unfrozen.

And that’s a wrap for Act 1!

Act two begins with a lovely recount of what’s currently happening in the plot (i.e. everything has gone horribly wrong for everybody)

The hunters capture Horton and ship him overseas where his is auctioned and sold as a circus animal. Horton happens to bump into Mayzie, who refuses to take back the egg. Horton, helpless and heartbroken, reflects on his adventure in the intro to what is honestly the saddest bloody song I’ve ever heard (Solla Sollew).

I mean, just look at these lyrics:

Now it’s time to check back in on Jojo, who had been sent by his parents to military school in hopes to keep his wild Thinks under control. Now that the Whos had lost Horton’s protection, they are without a doubt going to war, and the young cadets at General Genghis Kahn Schmitz’s military academy have been training nonstop for battle. 

……………………………

…Jojo blows himself up on a minefield.

Except, wait! He’s not actually dead! He’s just trapped in a horrific seussian nightmare realm filled with creatures called the Hunches. He calls out to Horton, begging for help, to no avail.

And, oh? What’s this? You guessed it- the Cat is the one running the nightmare realm! What a fucking surprise!

I don’t want to get too spoilery (and also I hate typing), so let’s just say that Jojo makes it out of the Nightmare Realm™ by taking control of his Thinks, and finds his way home. Horton is reunited with his clover and the Whos when Gertrude finds him (she had plucked the feathers out of her tail), and everything is wrapping up to be a happy ending when, wouldn’t ya know, THE FUCKING CAT POPS UP GOING “Oh, how touching! but this story’s far from over.” (Jojo also manages to break character for a few seconds be the Boy again and says “Oh, yes it is too! Get me down from this clover!”, which I think is interesting). 

The jungle creatures from the beginning of the play, who had ridiculed Horton for believing that the Whos were real, jump on stage and kidnap Horton, bringing him back to the jungle to be put on trial. 

So, umm???? There was honestly no need for that???? Were they just trying to prove a point or something?????????? I have no idea. 

In any case, let’s skip forward about a scene and a half to the actual ending. Things have wrapped up nicely, with a solution to everyone’s problems. There’s a big dance number, and everything’s a-okay. Then….

anonymous asked:

it hurts how harry has been so despicable to zayn i wish i never shipped them how do i get over this?

It helps to remember all those times hargoyle been nasty and downright mean to Zayn: the paperwork comment, zebra comment, stomping on Zayn’s pic, acting nasty whenever Zayn was brought up, harries and their ugliness, and now horton saying he had no idea Zayn had an eating disorder despite them being supposed best friends and living in each others pockets. Then henrys ugly persona. And then you just gotta remember how Zayn has been civil and sincere about it all, never once saying anything mean. Trust me you will regret ever shipping Zayn with that white demon. Zayn has always deserved better than ot4.

johnnythirteenguns  asked:

it's because that dumbass gay cafe post went around again and people started arguing with this one girl anyway im glad dunkin donuts erasure is over

I am totally serious when I say that the last time I was in a Dunkin Donuts it was to talk about gay shit with one of the queerest, most fashionable dudes that I know and we were just there to drink coffee and steal the wifi and be gay.

So Dunkin is def queer I’m glad we all can recognize that now.

Also Tim Hortons is also queer I’ve only ever been there with fellow queers

Sunday night, the Columbus Blue Jackets celebrated a victory over the New York Islanders at Nationwide Arena, alongside 15,667 fans in attendance during Fan Appreciation Night. That celebration also gave fans an insight into the team’s postgame routine. Not only did the crowd see the team take off their jerseys to give to fans, the Jackets’ victory song, “Timber” – usually played in the locker room – played throughout the arena.

“I’m in charge of the winning song,” said Jackets forward Cam Atkinson, who chose the postgame victory song. Currently ranked 13th on the Billboard “Hot 100” chart, “Timber” features artists Pitbull and Kesha. “I’m a fan of Kesha and her music, so I picked the song and the guys loved it.”

It’s not just about the song for Atkinson, it’s about the response in the room.

“The guys started dancing – I’ve never seen these kind of dance moves come out of the woodwork,” Atkinson said with a smile.

Boone Jenner is someone Atkinson said can “shake his boots.” The compliment had Jenner laughing.

“I don’t think I have the best moves, but our win song is a time to come together,” Jenner said. “Whenever you hear it, it’s a good sign.”

One guy who can’t dance, according to Atkinson, is Jackets defenseman Dalton Prout. Prout didn’t argue with the assessment.

“I have no background of dancing, no practicing. I try here and there,” Prout said. “I don’t dance too often, but I certainly try once in a blue moon.”

The song itself has drawn different reviews.

“I really like that song,” Jenner said. “I’m happy with (Cam’s) choices. A lot of guys give him a hard time if he picks bad songs.”

One player with a different opinion on the current win song of choice is Jackets forward Nathan Horton. He considers himself a fan of mostly rock music, but he’ll put up with some pop music.

“I’m not a Kesha fan,” Horton said. “But as long as (Timber is) blaring, it means everything went well.”

And, besides, overall, Atkinson gets props for his song picking skills.

“(Atkinson’s) a great D.J.,” Prout said. “He picks good songs no matter where we are and what we’re doing. He has a knack for putting a mood together with a song.”

And, Prout said, it’s not just about picking a good song or a good artist.

“As long as there is a good beat and it puts everyone in a good mood, and every time you hear it you think about winning, it’s a win song,” Prout said. “That’s all that matters.”