the ratings are off to a notably curvy and rounded start. not sure what’s going on with those eyes, but this octopus is making up for it with a very generous squish quotient. 7/10; would pet
such zazz! such a definitive swagger! i am particularly endeared to that ‘raise the roof’ gesture he’s got going on with his arms. excellent octopus. very good indeed. 10/10; would throw a party with
ah, the full-frontal approach to octopus imagery. that classic octopus head shape is very well-represented here. a good, solid octopus for all your octopus needs. 8/10;would introduce to my parents
to be perfectly frank, i’m ambivalent. there’s some unfortunate shading going on here and all i can see is a rubbery pink stick-man with a disproportionate head wearing a cape. despite it all, i can’t bring myself to say mean things about this octopus; she has a vivacious charm to her. 3/10; would give points for effort
i’m pretty sure this isn’t what an octopus looks like. nice try. 1/10; would maybe wear as a novelty hat in an emergency
a wonderful and pleasing octopus. htc is really shaking it up with these cool colours. her eyes are wide with childlike wonder. 9/10; would read a bedtime story to
i cannot say a single bad thing about this octopus. he is anatomically correct and possesses a lightness of spirit; an inexorable zest for life. a swell guy and a fantastic cephalopod. 12/10; would leave him all my worldly possessions and wisdom in the event of my death, whenever that day shall fall
the manic pixie dream girl of the octopus emojis. the many curls and spirals of her arms hold within themselves undeniable cosmic truths and wise tidbits of advice. points earned for those delightful purple shades. 10/10; would go on a life-changing roadtrip with
twitter has gone for a unique twist in taking the cirrate octopod approach to octopus imagery- a roaring success in octopuses such as the dumbo and the flapjack- but have fallen short. where are his little ears? he needs those little ears. give him the ears. 6/10; would fashion him a pair of little ears to wear
heavens to betsy! what happened to his arm? why is it so long? the poor baby looks so bewildered. 2/10; would subject mozilla to a brutal interrogation as to avenge this poor boy’s honour
remarkably angular for an octopus. it’s lacking that important element of squish. has a lovely, albeit biologically impossible, winning smile though. 5/10; would not criticise to their face
this is a shiny one. on a closer look, her skin glistens with visions of half-remembered dreams. her beguiling eyes and exuberant mouth-thing are only there for a false sense of security. a very mysterious octopus. where is she from? 8/10; would see in glimpses on the backs of my eyelids whenever i blink
(I also own a bowler, a stetson, a panama hat, several top hats, a fez - which I only wear when GMing - and a large collection of novelty hats including a steel Viking helmet, a Moogle cosplay hood, and a baseball cap with moose antlers.)
Dirk: A Tigger tshirt with his bright green jacket, Mickey ears, and those oversized hot pink plastic novelty sunglasses.
A Goofy hat complete with dangling ears, but not by his own doing…
Dirk bought it for him and he doesn’t have the heart nor the energy to
Distressed jeans and a black tshirt with a Gothic Ariel on it and a headband with a red polka dotted Minnie Mouse bow.
Her usual black leather jacket ensemble. Will not be persuaded otherwise.
Dirk: Gets on everyone’s last nerve because he stops literally every five minutes to take an organized group photo with the disposable camera he bought at a souvenir stand. (Nevermind that his phone can take photos, this Kodak has Dug from Up on it! And this REALLY fun little winding wheel!)
Todd: Is the one with the backpack full of water bottles and the park map, taking everything too seriously. Gets flustered when Dirk and Amanda see something they like and scatter in different directions. Has to be told multiple times by Farah to just relax and have fun. Eventually crumples the map in defeat and, as a result, ends up having a much nicer time.
Is never without food, whether it be boxed popcorn, rainbow cotton
candy, French fries with extra vinegar, or a Mike Wazowski shaped ice
cream on a stick. Purchases one of those big air-filled hammers and takes great pleasure in whacking her friends with it. Farah has enough and ends up deflating it.
Has a caffeinated drink in hand at all times and habitually slides the straw in and out of the plastic lid while walking around the park, driving Todd insane. She has a hard time composing herself when people are rude in line.
On a Big Roller Coaster
Dirk: First of the group in line, insists on riding in the front car. Hands are up the entire ride and he is shouting against the wind that everyone else should do the same. After the ride, he is too excited to fix his hair which is now standing straight up, all static-y around his now lopsided Mickey ears.
Reluctantly gets talked into riding and clutches the safety bar in terror the entire time but smiles
fondly when he sees the in-ride photo afterwards. He declines a second ride and instead stands in line to purchase the
photo and casually slips it into his wallet, planning to put it on his
Amanda: Is second in line, right behind Dirk. She rides with him in the front car and makes devil horns and sticks her tongue out for the photo. Best. Ride. Ever.
Farah: Spends the entire time in line telling herself she can do this and
pretends nothing is wrong when Todd asks if she said something. She
ends up screaming at the top of her lungs and laughing
the entire ride and she and Amanda and Dirk dash down the exit ramp only to rush
straight back in line again.
On the Haunted Mansion Ride
Dirk: Is the one that can be heard screaming like a little girl from anywhere in the mansion.
Todd: Hugs the wall, heart pounding as he rounds each corner, swearing with gritted teeth anytime something jumps out.
Amanda: Clutches Todd’s tshirt the entire time, each scream followed by a giggle and a snort. Will occasionally gasp loudly for no reason other than to keep Todd on edge.
Farah: Accidentally punches another guest in the face when startled.
If Lost, Can Be Found…
Dirk: In the stuffed animal section of the Disney Store. When found, is
overly enthused to see everyone again and wants to know who’s up for
Dippin Dots. (It’s like ice cream but in these tiny little balls, it’s REALLY wonderful, Todd!)
Todd: At a security kiosk talking too fast and hyperventilating. When found, is furious to the point of storming ahead and not speaking to anyone for the next half hour or so.
In the arcade playing Dance Dance Revolution. When found, she challenges Dirk who eagerly accepts, much to Todd’s sighing and eye-rolling. Amanda notices and makes Todd play Dirk next round while she records the whole thing on her phone.
Farah: Playing at one of the shooting gallery booths. When found, the
group is told to go on without her and she’ll meet them later because a
couple more rounds and she’ll have won enough tickets to buy the stuffed Dumbo for Lydia.
At the End of the Day
Dirk: Has by far the most souvenirs, most of which are highly useless and impractical. Fully intends on making a scrapbook of this perfect day and can’t get over the fact that he got Elsa’s autograph.
Todd: Sleepily stares out the car window at the setting sun, smiling to himself and realizing that, despite all the stress it caused him, the day was actually a really good one.
Amanda: Gets obnoxiously hyper and loud toward the end from all the sugar consumption but is sound asleep within ten minutes of getting in the car, hood up and earbuds in.
Farah: Drives the group back to the hotel, glancing every few minutes at the still Mickey-eared Dirk catching flies beside her or in the rear view mirror at the Brotzman siblings, Todd’s head resting on the window and Amanda’s on her brother’s shoulder. She smiles.
So in the new Asset Seizure video, the boys do a car heist basically wearing nothing and it's incredible. I'm feeling like the FAHC would absolutely do the same thing. Maybe a dare from Funhaus?
Listen, while i love that thought and could absolutely see it being Funhaus, the fact that they’re wearing awful cowboy hats makes me think of a different culprit..
Jeremy, who was so excited about the huge destruction truck they were going to steal, who’d been talking all week about how wicked it looked, how much devastation they would cause, whether or not it could flip his monster truck in a joust. Jeremy who let Gavin and Michael goad him into some stupid dare, who got hurt last second, who’s laid up in bed, knowing the job is too time-sensitive to delay until he’s better. Who tells them all to go ahead, take Ryan in his place, so disgustingly understanding despite his disappointment that they can’t help but feel guilty. Can’t shake it off like they would if he’d been selfish, can’t mock him like they would if he’d been mad, even Jack and Ryan feel bad and they weren’t remotely involved in the accident for gods sake.
So when Gavin pitches an idea out of desperation, suggests that since Jeremy can’t come along he can instead play boss, be the voice in their ear, the shot caller, the others are all too eager to agree. Can’t see the harm, even after Jeremy jumps on the idea, almost as excited as he’d been about the truck in the first place. As though history has taught them nothing they don’t see Jeremy’s revenge coming until it’s too late, failed to even consider the danger in the way Jeremy immediately declared that there would be a dress code, that costumes would be provided. It’s not until Trevor and Matt get back from running about doing Jeremy’s shopping and can’t stop laughing that the mood begins to sour.
Geoff almost chokes to death laughing when Jeremy produces Gavin and Michaels costumes, or lack thereof. Stripped down to silly boxers and bowties like impromptu Chippendale dancers, garnished by a couple of the dozen ludicrous novelty cowboy hats and boots Jeremy is gifted with at every turn, team nice dynamite have never looked quite so unprepared for a heist. Still, true to their word, they resign themselves and quickly start to enjoy the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal; Gavin is legitimately more upset about the crime against fashion than he is the nudity, Michael struts around constantly flexing, and the pair can’t stop striking preposterous imitations of suggestive poses.
Ryan watches this all go down in silence before turning to Jeremy and reminding him that he was a last second stand in and would be happy to tag out for Geoff. Which lasts all of five seconds after Jeremy reveals Ryan’s costume; the absurd silk and velvet playboy affair barely makes it out of the bag before Ryan starts pulling it on, slapping away Geoff’s grabby hands and declaring that the Lads are now his arguably classless arm-candy.
Jeremy, being a smart man, tells Jack she can wear whatever she likes. Jack, being Jack, rolls her eyes and declares that if they are doing this they are doing it right, go hard or go home, picks out a hat and goes to sort out her own flashy costume for the world’s most inexplicably underdressed grand theft auto.
He was there every summer, maybe all year long. You only saw him in the summers when the beach was just the perfect temperature for frolicking and sandcastles and light-hearted water fights in rolling waves of aquamarine.
He lived in the old wooden beach house by the side of the beach. It hung off a cliff with half of it on land and the other half supported by a whole infrastructure of bolts and driftwood. You used to play between the scaffolding, weaving in and out of the beams like a fish through coral. He didn’t come out often. But when you squinted hard enough, you could catch him standing behind the large glass window, peeking through drawn curtains with a frown deep enough to gift him permanent wrinkles.
The Macho Man Randy Savage Monster Truck - WCW Halloween Havoc [October 27th, 1996]
The Macho Man truck used the body of an older Bigfoot monster truck but never saw any competition. In fact, the only actual appearance of this machine was during Savage’s entrance here right before his match against Hollywood Hogan.
Seems like a waste of a perfectly good novelty hat wearing monster truck.
The Elder Scrolls Fantasy Races at the Amusement Park
Imperials: built the amusement park on land they may or may not technically own.
Bosmer: constructs furry mascot suits out of real dead animals, walks around all day scaring small children
Orsimer: kicked out of the amusement park for trying to sleep in the fun house overnight. might be homeless.
Bretons: threw up on the teacup ride
Dunmer: exploits the arcade and cheats at skee-ball for massive amounts of tickets. buys every single ugly novelty hat for sale so no one else can have any
Redguards: attending as the designated chaperone, lost everybody else and spends the whole day waiting with a bucket of fries at the entrance for them to show up
Khajiit: looking up underneath the tilt-a-whirl, waiting for someone to drop their wallet and/or candy
Altmer: loudly complains that they hate amusement parks, but goes on every ride anyway while whining that they are boring and predictable. keeps this up until they get to the Mega Screamer roller coaster at which point they beg for death
Nords: did nothing but ride the Mega Screamer roller coaster all day, loved it, ate way too much funnel cake. 50% likely to have smuggled liquor in, but the other 50% chance is they just are this way all the time every day
Argonians: doesn’t understand why they went. Spent most of the day in the petting zoo and getting splashed on purpose by the log flume
there’s this pretty common routine that subway performers have, at least in nyc, where they do a lot of acrobatics involving tossing and catching a baseball hat on their heads, or in their mouths, or other various body parts. i don’t know if there’s an exact name for it, like, contact juggling, but with a baseball hat, but it’s an okay routine. i think it could be made great by replacing the baseball hat with literally any other hat. like maybe a sombrero, or a giant novelty cowboy hat, or a yarmulke. you have to push the art form to its limits.
The first time he tried was because of mummy. She wanted
Sherlock to celebrate his “special day” with all his friends. He wasn’t
surprised when nobody showed up.
Did it make him sad? Of course it did. He knew what the
other children thought of him, but he thought that maybe with the promise of
cake they would like him.
He wasn’t in the mood for birthday parties anymore.
Until Redbeard showed up that is.
He loved that dog more than he loved himself, and it would
just be the two of them together eating cake and reveling in each other’s company.
Then Redbeard died and his birthdays meant nothing to him.
It was okay, he was able to forget when he got older, and the drugs became his
friend and they made the pain of his “special” day hurt a little less.
Mycroft told him to sober up, and Lestrade wouldn’t have a
drug addict on his crime scenes, so he did as he was told and spent every sixth
day of January with his skull, Billy. At least he would never leave him.
John smiles at him and looks utterly ridiculous in that
novelty birthday hat. Sherlock can’t help but laugh at the way he looked. It
was stupid, it was mundane, it was…
I could not stop myself. Reader beware, you are in for my first foray into smut. (omg)
The afternoon was the best she’d had in recent memory. Strolling through the crowded stalls at Camden Market, trying on strange novelty hats, snacking on fresh samosas – it was like she was walking in a dream. It was like this unspoken chemistry that had never left had just been lying dormant all these years. What we lacked in time, we always made up for in chemistry, Rae thought, studying Finn’s stubbly face from across the rows and rows of vinyl at her old employer, Platter Princess. It was the only female-owned and operated record shop in London and they specialized in music of the indie-girl-rock persuasion. Finn thumbed through some old Huggy Bear albums, a Le Tigre album tucked under his arm. He still had that intensity about him, a seriousness that masked his inner playfulness and gentleness that had carried Rae through some of the darkest times of her life. He furrowed his brow and he returned the Huggy Bear and scanned the bright pink pop palace and smiled at the giant poster of Blondie that adorned the wall.
“This place is brilliant, Rae.”
It was brilliant. University had introduced Rae to woman studies and it was through these iconic women that she found an outlet to express herself. It was fine and dandy to relate to the pining words of beautiful blokes, but these women helped her find her strength. Embrace what made her Rae. Platter Princess was her favorite place in London and she was so excited to share it with Finn. It was like having him read her diary. She winced, remember all too well that he’d already done that and it did enough damage back when they were involved. She now kept her diary on a password-protected encrypted file on her laptop. She never left it to chance again.
Finn headed to the register and then linked arms with Rae and headed outside. She felt her heart pounding against her rib cage. She tried to act cool, like walking arm in arm with a gorgeous lad was an everyday occurrence. She snuck glances at him as the ambled leisurely back toward Islington. Time had been kind to Finn Nelson. If at all possible, he’d grown even more into his brooding features, still broad-shouldered and well fit. His hair was a little longer on top then it had been when they were young, his fringe messily swept to the side. It occurred to Rae that after several blocks, neither of them had said anything.
“Well, where to next?” she asked casually. Our bodies are just pressed against each other. It’s no big deal. Breathe.
“I figured we’d just head back to yours? Maybe play a little music? Finish what we started?”
What we started? Rae instinctually pulled away from him. He looked down confused, and mimed a joint in his hand. Rae laughed a little too loudly.
“Yes. Absolutely. Yes, we did start that.”
She couldn’t believe he put on bloody Elliott Smith. Of all albums, he chose the most introspective, haunting, and broody album in her collection. He flopped onto the couch, his domain in the sea of Archie and Rae’s clutter. He was living very neatly out of one duffel bag. It was this Spartan simplicity she had always envied. She was nostalgic, busy, and prone to sentimentality. She perched on the edge of the couch as Finn passed her another expertly rolled joint. It was dusk now, and the apartment was sparsely lit. She and Archie usually lit candles but it seemed like it might send the wrong idea in present circumstances.
“So it was just like that?” she asked.
“You just up and left Manchester.”
“Yeah. It was, y’know, the right time.”
“And Laura just…?”
Finn turned his body towards her, lifting his arm up on the edge of the couch. Smoke lazily escaped his lips as he considered her. Rae’s entire body felt charged. It was as if her panties were about to drop of their own accord. She swallowed hard and grabbed the joint out of his hands.
“Laura and I just didn’t fit. We tried. But you can’t fake it until you make it, I’ve found.”
Rae nodded a little too emphatically. Her head was starting to feel light and buzzy. Her whole body was pleasantly warm.
He hadn’t stopped looking at her. She nervously passed the joint back, but he placed it on the ash tray on the table.
“You know I’m not really good at, er, speakin’.”
She nodded, avoiding his gaze. Is this really happening?
“More of an action-oriented person, really.”
"I remember that about you, funnily enough.“
She looked back up at him and he ran his eyes down her body and he leaned in a bit closer.
“See, there’s just something I’d like to…if it’s okay with you…”
Rae felt a burning deep in her belly. Her lips were suddenly tingling with want. She nodded slightly and then as if she’d been hit back by an all-encompassing wave of warmth, his lips were on hers, gentle at first, and then passionately pressing against her. His strong arm came down off the couch and wrapped around her, pulling her into the kiss.
They broke for a moment, foreheads pressed together. It’s like he was saying paragraphs with just one look. She knew that she was already in way, way too deep. I could stop it now. Just get up. Just get up and walk away. She felt his breath on her cheek and she knew it had been a long time since she’d felt this. Not just horny, but alive with every fiber of her body. Her entire body ached with need in that moment that they were apart.
She took a deep breath and pressed her lips hard back on his and a Molotov cocktail of passion exploded between them. As she opened her mouth to invite his tongue in, his hands gently roamed her body, refamiliarzing himself with her skin, her legs, her arse, her breasts, her face. She leaned back, allowing him on top of her and wrapped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair. He groaned against her and she felt her back arch with anticipation.
But then he broke the kiss and froze. She seized with anxiety. What’s wrong? Am I not living up to expectations?
Rae’s face immediately began to burn.
Shit. Shit. Shitting shit.
“I can’t let this sad-sack music be the soundtrack to this…”
Finn gave her a quick kiss on her forehead and rolled off her and made mad dash to her turntable. Rae couldn’t help but laugh as she adjusted herself on the couch, laying awkwardly as he pulled out a new record. The needle dropped and to her immense approval, the first track of Air’s Alone in Kyoto began. Sexy-trippy French synth-pop. Of fucking course. Rae’s breath caught in her throat as Finn resumed his place on top of her, kneeling between her legs and kissing her sweetly on the lips.
Rae reached up to remove his shirt, which caught on his head. He ripped it off and she ran her hands all over his chest before pulling him down to her.
His kisses traced from her lips to her jaw down her neck and to her shoulder. He carefully pulled her scarf from her neck and pulled off her shirt, leaving a cleavage-y dress below. He swore at the sight of what were, in his opinion, the gold standard in breasts. He was tempted to spend the rest of the night reacquainting himself, but decided to head on down to see what else he’d been missing.
He gingerly tested Rae’s comfort-level by raising her dress up to feel her soft tummy. He was relieved to find she no longer seized up with terror when touched in this area. Emboldened by her heavy breathing and occasional moans, he pulled down her leggings, planting kisses down her leg as he slid them off.
Entranced by her body’s delicious warmth, he plunged his head between her legs. This action was met with a cry of approval from Rae. It was about here that he completely lost it. It was like something primal had taken over. He endeavored to make her come harder than any bloke she’d been with since their tender fumbles way back when. He slid his fingers inside of her, feeling her tense around him. He teased her with his and pumped his fingers in and out in rhythm to the music. It wasn’t long before he felt her entire body tense up and release in an amazing rush.
She sat up, breathing heavily, face masked with lust. She pulled him up to her mouth and kissed him hard on the lips. He felt his cock threatening to burst in his trousers. He pressed himself against Rae and she reached down to stroke him. He cursed into her neck as she unzipped his pants and he sat up to pull his pants and trousers down.
“Have you got a johnny?”
“I’m, er, on the pill…”
Finn nodded and kissed her with renewed fervor. She guided him in and he felt his entire body tense as he made his way back home. He took it painfully slow at first –drinking in every sigh, every tug of skin against skin. He looked into her eyes and it was like everything they couldn’t say was said. There was no going back. He picked up his pace and she cried out against him, then stiffiled a giggle.
“What?” he whispered, much raspier than he’d expected.
“This is…too lovely.”
He pulled himself out and with a swift motion flipped her over. She readjusted herself and he entered her from behind. He pressed himself against her back, wrapping his arms around her and whispered what he was sure was incoherent horseshit into into her ear. He brushed his lips up her spine, delighted by the the shivers it seemed to send through her.
He grinned to himself and buried his face within her hair. He gave it all he had and within moments their bodies both collectively tensed and released. Out of breath, Finn rolled off of her, lost his balance, and landed on the floor. Rae couldn’t stop laughing.
He was delirious.
“Rae…listen, Rae…” He was choking on his words again. There was so much he wanted to say. Rae shushed him as she helped him back onto the couch, wrapping her arms around him.
“I think you should know by now. Words are overrated, mate”
Finn felt like that was a bit of an understatement and pulled her into his arms.
So this is my first smut. Hope it’s not too awkward? This has been a fun writing excersie, guys! Thanks for reading. Not sure if there will be more. I had ideas of a roadtrip back to Lincolnshire to see our old friends Chop, Izzy, and Chloe?
All right smegheads, it’s time for one of the big debates. No I don’t mean the debate about whether the novelty hats with the arrows through them should be blue or red, I mean Rimmer’s hair. All these gifs are from scenes where Rimmer was in natural light, so we can’t argue about lighting for these. So what color IS Rimmer’s hair? Is it brunette? Is it dark auburn?
Personally, my vote is for dark auburn. The source material for my gifs are YouTube videos, and some of them don’t have the most reliable color consistency. You can see Rimmer’s Captain Emerald outfits vary quite a bit in darkness and saturation between the three gifs that feature it, and the series II gifs have a distinct yellow cast that I was unable to completely correct. The episode with the most accurate color representation was Tikka to Ride, and in that episode, Rimmer’s hair has a distinctly reddish cast to my eyes. He’s obviously not ginger, but I would say his hair is a shade of brown that has strong reddish highlights, therefore dark auburn.
What do you think? Let’s fight this out to the death! ;-)
In case you couldn’t tell, this is of course meant to be harmless fun, no one’s going to have kippers dropped on their head if they think Rimmer’s blond ombre. ;-)