nothing-I-hold-onto

Back in high school during my jr year I went on this art field trip, long story short. At the end of the trip, the artist gave us some life advice and it went something like “always give it 3 days, if you’re feeling down the first day let it flow into the 3rd day and something will change” now I’m 22 and I still hold onto that. It’s all mental. Nothing can ever stay the same.

Nothing I Hold On To (Live)
  • Nothing I Hold On To (Live)
  • United Pursuit Band
  • Live At the Banks House
Play
I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to you God, 
Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain 
With my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain 
With my hands wide open

There is nothing I hold on to
There is nothing I hold on to
There is nothing I hold on to
There is nothing I hold on to
Watch on breanna-lynn.tumblr.com

Nothing I Hold Onto + Spontaneous Worship | Bethel Church ft. William Matthews

  I lean not on my own understanding
  my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven

  I give it all to You God
  I trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me

  I will climb this mountain
  with my hands wide open

 There’s nothing I hold onto

I hate that feeling

when I can feel myself falling

into a deep, deep depressive hole

and,

like quicksand

or a soccer field after a rainy day,

everything is slippery,

there’s nothing I can hold onto.

Nothing to stop me from falling.

I’m sorry for trying to fix you. I guess I’ve never really known what to do with my hands. One day I found myself digging through your insides, trying to reassemble the broken pieces. You never asked me to do that. You must’ve known it wouldn’t work, or maybe you didn’t want it to.

I’m sorry for hating your new girlfriend. She has a really nice smile and I’m always covering mine with my hand. I was angry because I could tell she loved you differently than I did, but maybe she has the kind of love you need. I hope someone does because you deserve that, and the idea of seeing you hold someone else’s hand doesn’t scare me anymore.

I’m sorry for holding onto us when there was nothing left to hold onto. I needed to feel something, and you were there. I think I convinced myself I was heartbroken so I didn’t have to admit that I was numb. I’m sure I’ve told you something similar to this in a drunk voicemail, but I want to tell you again. This time, without crying.

I’m sorry for all the metaphors about blood and death and tearing myself apart. At the time I truly believed that you were the one who broke my heart. I realize now that I did it to myself, so this is the last poem I’ll write for you. I mean every word.

I’m sorry for how angry our ending made me. I’m not resentful anymore, you know - towards you or myself. I’ve moved on like you always wanted me to.

I’m sorry it took so long.

—  “This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go”

Like Poe, I forever live an inescapable, original woe.

I am terrified and convinced that I will never move on.

I lack confidence, not only self confidence, but confidence

in the world. And I have nothing. Not certainty, no real

experience to sustain me through this black mood, this

infinite, dark hour. I have nothing to hold onto.

But now the derangement of emotion, of unending woe.

How alone I am. This solitude more and more unbearable.

Nothing shines bright. All stars, finite. This life would deign

to look upon me. Nothing, encompasses me.


As Mary Oliver says, “In the wide circles of timelessness,

everything material and temporal will fail, including the

manifestation of the beloved”


How brazen was I, to expect any different. To stand

against destiny. Poe, I no longer stand in the wild courage

of despair. I no longer stand.


I do not need to be convinced of any certain thing.

I only beg to be real. A certainty with which I may

never know. For only the certitude of death should

verify my living. And in death I will cease to know.

Nothing worth holding onto will ever hurt you.
—  Things I realized when I payed attention to someone else’s words, part X

I know you. 

Even when my lungs forget how to breathe
and my tongue forgets how to speak
and my heart turns to a rock in my chest
     dragging me down to the deep waters–

I know you. 

I know you in the missing echo of my heartbeat. 
I know you in the shape of the emptiness between my hands. 
I know you in the haunted longing in my vagabond feet,
     and in the creaking heaviness in my homeless bones. 

I know it isn’t much.

The face in the mirror is still a stranger to me. 
This skin I walk around in still feels like a costume. 
My mind holds onto everything I want to forget
     and nothing that I want to remember. 
I find myself in shadows, in dark corners, in the space under the bed
     more often than in the bathroom mirror, in museum displays. 

But I knew you when my memories scattered like ripples on a lake. 
I knew you when my mouth didn’t know the shape of my own name.
I knew you when every breath was a scream
     and every footstep was an earthquake. 

oh dear God,
     my Love, 
          I know you.

—  do you know me? ( j.p. )
Home • rucas one shot

Author’s note

I don’t know if I’m any good at this, but let’s try one more time.

Imagine that this non – triangle didn’t end in Ski Lodge. Imagine that Lucas hasn’t decided. Two years into high school and everything is just like it was on that New Year’s eve.

Just imagine.

Side note: I apoligize for mistakes. There will be LOTS of them.

I’m losing balance. There’s nothing or nobody to hold onto. Nothing at all. It’s just me, and darkness. Is there a point in trying to keep standing? Is there a point in trying to survive? Is there a point in trying to save myself from unavoidable death?

“No”, the voice in my head says.

Suddenly, I’m falling. At first it looks like I’m falling down the stairs. The next thing I know – I’m falling out of a tree. Few seconds later I’m falling out of a plane.

And now, now I’m just falling into darkness. I don’t think there’s an end. I don’t think I can reach the bottom.

“You can’t fix anything. You’re life is a huge mess, and there’s nothing you can change”, whispers the same voice.

I know he’s right.

There’s nothing I can do.

Maybe that’s why I’m falling. I fall further into the darkness until it threatens to swallow me whole.

Water.

Depth.

Ocean.

Blue.

Just like her eyes.

Just like eyes I have never loved. Just like those eyes I will never love.

Just like those eyes that I could never get lost in.

But now, I’m drowning.

Holding my breath is killing me, breathing in will kill me. I have held my breath before, but this isn’t like that. This is like having a gun to my head and being told not to let my heart beat.

I can’t hear anything.

Because drowning is quiet.

My movements are subtle; I can’t make a single sound. One minute my head is bobbing above the water, and then it’s gone. My head is pounding, every cell is screaming for oxygen.

The darkness enveloped me. The water closed in around me, filling me with a deep dread. I held my breath as long as I could, probably too long. The urgency of air was more apparent than ever.

But I couldn’t do anything about it.

Because suddenly everything was black.

Icy cold water was thrust up my nostrils; a stream cascaded into the back of my throat and nose, sending jets of pain through my entire body. I gave up on trying surviving. I gave up on trying coming back to her.

I knew that I will never see those brown eyes again.

They have found me.

My demons have finally found their way back to my life.

I’m trying to escape, I’m trying to run, I’m trying to hide…

I’m trying.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help.

I don’t bother looking behind me. I can hear them. Their footsteps, heavy breathing…

They are chasing me.

I know that all of this is just in my head, but I can’t stop running.

It feels like I’ve been running for two, maybe even three years, although it’s only been a few minutes.

I can hear her voice. She’s calling my name, she’s searching for me. Her voice is cracking; she’s scared, afraid, terrified.

My behavior is scaring her.

“Maybe it’s for the best”, the voice of my demons says. “Maybe pushing her as far away as it is possible will solve all of your problems. After all, she would never love someone like you.”

When I think about it, I know they are right.

She would never love a monster.

She would never love me.

Falling dreams generally indicate insecurity or something wrong with your life which you can’t fix at the moment. Sounds familiar?

According to some researches, drowning in a dream applies not to dangerous emotions or urges, but to natural urges such as eating, loving, even sex, that some people have enormous conflicts about. It is also about struggling to survive as a person, so it applies to your identity as it is dealing with relationship with other people, but also with your own internal world of instincts, body activities and needs. Doesn’t that remind you of something, or should I say someone?

Richard Nicoletti, J. D., a psychotherapist, explained that dreaming about being chased generally means that you are “being told by your unconsciousness that you’re avoiding an issue or a person”. And Lucas was avoiding a lot of things.

Lucas was used to that kind of dreams. It wasn’t the first time. After all, he had been having them ever since the beginning of that stupid triangle.

But what Lucas wasn’t used to was the dreams about someone getting hurt, someone ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Until now, he had never had a dream about losing her. Lucas had never dreamt about Riley being taken away from this world.

When Lucas woke up from that horrible nightmare his heart was beating ten times faster and the tears were streaming down his face. He wasn’t embarrassed to cry, he wasn’t embarrassed to show his emotions. Especially when Riley had something to do with it.

Riley.

All he could think about was Riley. What if something really happened? What if she’s not okay? What if she’s hurt?

What if?

Lucas couldn’t just sit there and do absolutely nothing.

The Texan glanced at his alarm clock to see that it was a couple of minutes after three in the morning. He didn’t hesitate. He grabbed his phone, threw a Yankees hoodie on, and left the room. He was running down the stairs when his mother’s voice stopped him.

“Lucas! Where do you think you’re going? It’s three in the morning!”, his mother whispered yelled, not wanting to wake up her sleeping husband.

“I’m going to Riles”, Lucas said quickly tying his sneakers.

“You can do that in the morning, young man. Go back to bed”, she demanded with her arms crossed on her chest.

“I’m not going back to bed, Mom.”

“What did you just say?”, his mother asked shocked.

“I’m not going to bed. You don’t understand, Mom. I have to go to Riley. I need to go to her.”

Lucas’ mom began worrying. Something was clearly not right.

“Lucas, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Her son ran a single hand through his ash blonde hair before burying his face in his palms.

“I don’t know, Mom. That’s the reason I must go to her. I need to make sure she’s okay. Please, don’t try to stop me. I will do whatever it takes to see her”, Lucas said as he unlocked the front door.

“Lucas!”, his mom shouted before Lucas could close the door. He stopped for a second and looked over his shoulder to where his mom was standing. “Text me when you get there.”

Lucas let out a sigh of relief and gave her a small smile.

“I will, I promise.”

He ran all the way from his house to her apartment building. He tried calling her a few times, but she didn’t answer. When he reached it, he saw that the lights in her bedroom were still on. Why was she awake at almost four in the morning?

Lucas climbed up the fire escape to find the bay window fully open.

“Riley?”, Lucas whispered as he looked trough the window.

Lucas had never seen her room like that. It was a complete mess. Clothes everywhere, drawers out, papers, books on the floor, pieces of her shattered mirror…

And blood.

“Riley!”, Lucas yelled not caring about her sleeping parents or neighbors. He climbed inside her room and his foot landed on the broken picture frame. There was a picture of the trio – Maya, Lucas and Riley.

He looked around the room, but she wasn’t there. He heard someone flinch in pain. Lucas heart was breaking all over again, just like that time when she brother zoned him in Texas. Although this time it was ten times worse.

“Riley!”, he shouted running to hug her when he found her standing in front of the mirror.

“Lucas? What are you doing here?”, she asked surprised by his presence before he wrapped his arms around her petite waist as tightly as it was humanly possible. Riley just stood there, not knowing what was happening or what to do.

“Thank God you’re okay, princess. I was so scared. Don’t scare me like that ever again”, he whispered as he pressed his forehead against her, cupping her face in his palms. The tears were freely rolling down his cheeks.

Riley knew she shouldn’t be doing anything that could make their current situation even worse; but she also couldn’t stand there watching him hurting.

“Lucas, what’s going on?”, she whispered trying to hold back her own tears while she wiped away his.

Lucas leaned into her touch and closed his eyes, taking one deep breath.

Honey. That is what she smelled like, that’s what felt like home.

“I had a dream about you.”

“Really?”, she asked surprised as her nose brushed against his when he pulled her even closer. She knew how wrong it was, she knew that she would have to explain all of this to Maya. Riley knew that Lucas would have to do the same to even things up. But at that moment she didn’t care about anything but him.

“I had a dream about you, but not the good kind. I didn’t dream about us riding into the sunset together, I didn’t dream of your smile or laughter. It – it’s terrible and I don’t want to remember it”, Lucas said as a new wave of tears threatened to escape his green eyes.

“Hey, I’m alright, everything is okay”, she whispered caressing his cheek.

“And then I come here, just to make sure you’re okay, and I see all of this”, Lucas’ voice cracked. “I – I thought I would never see you again. I thought I had lost you. I thought – ”

“Shh, say no more. I’m here. I’m right here”, she said taking his hand before placing it on her heart. “Can you feel it?”, she whispered and Lucas nodded as he opened his eyes to look at Riley. “It’s beating for you. Every single beat of my heart is for you. My heart belongs to you. And it always will, no matter what happens. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Lucas swallowed hard before cupping her face in his hands. All he could do was nod while he wiped away her tears. Only then he noticed her bandaged hand.

“What happened?”

Riley sighed and pulled away a little. Although Lucas wasn’t content with her decision. That’s how she ended up in his arms as he carried her to the bedroom.

“I was reading that book you recommended until around two using my phone as a flashlight when it died. I thought that the moonlight would be enough for me while I searched for my charger. Well, you see the result of that.”

“How did you get that cut?”, he asked when he laid her on her bed and sat next to her.

“When I finally realized that I need more than moonlight, I went to turn on the lights, but on my way there I knocked down my mirror. I’m surprised that my parents and Auggie didn’t wake up. In fact, I’m surprised that they didn’t wake up from your – ”

Riley was cut off by Lucas’ lips crashed against hers. It was just a peck, but it sent a spark that lit up the fire in their bodies.

“ – shouting”, Riley finished her sentence when he pulled away. She bit her lip when his eyes locked on hers. His eyes reflected silver moon and Riley was hypnotized. “Why did you do that?”

“You were rambling”, he whispered taking her small palm in his intertwining their fingers.

“And you thought it was the only way to stop me?”

“At that moment, yes. And I don’t regret it. I wanted to kiss you.”

“You do realize that you will have to do the same with Maya, right?”, she asked saddened by the thought of his lips touching someone’s else.

“But I won’t do that”, Lucas whispered.

“Lucas, you can’t do that. It’s unfair”, Riley said walking to the light switch. When she turned around, Lucas was only inches apart.

“I have made my decision, Riley. I know what I choose. I’ve known for a long time. I guess I just wasn’t ready to admit it”, he explained.

When Riley heard those words, it felt as if she was finally able to breathe again. She didn’t even know what he had chosen, but it wasn’t important. All that mattered was the fact that it would finally be over.

Finally.

“Stop thinking, princess. Let’s get some sleep”, he said walking to the bed after he had intertwined their fingers once again.

“Wait, you’re staying here? With me?”, Riley asked surprised.

“Can I? I really want to but if you don’t want me to, I can go – ”

“Stay”, she whispered interrupting.

Lucas smiled and sat next to her, just like few minutes ago.

“I will”, he said brushing some hair out of her face. “Let me text my Mom.”

“Okay”, she said yawning.

When Lucas sent the message to his Mom, Riley was just seconds away from falling asleep.

“Can I hold you?”, Lucas asked when he climbed into the bed besides her.

“Anytime”, she whispered.

And at that moment, his arms wrapped around her fragile body, her back pressed up against his chest, the scent of honey in the atmosphere around them, the sound of her deep breaths, legs tangled with each other’s – he knew he had made the right choice.

The text he had sent to his Mom said it all:

I’m safe.

I’m home.

4

Everyday is like an adventure. Struck by Libra, you have to remain in balance. And I like that. When I had nothing to hold on to, I could hold onto you. And you showed me why you loved me. The fire in your eyes as you look at me, gives me goosebumps everytime. 1 in a million, that you are. And time and time again, I fall more in love with you. Anticipating the day I can say “I Do.”

I promised myself I wouldn’t fall but it was 2AM and we were laughing way too hard and I felt happy for the first time and I knew I was screwed.

I had started to fall.

Not just fall asleep on Skype and the phone with you, but FOR you.

I am falling for you like there’s nothing left to hold onto. Like gravity has left the Earth, and I’m learning to fly instead.

—  Himheryouusme with bits of others
I made up my mind that I would hold onto nothing, that I would expect nothing
—  Henry Miller

OKAY BUTTTTT in season 2 we need need need a moment where Magnus tells Raphael that Ragnor is dead, like they were such good friends, he doesnt even know yet like can you imagine his reaction?? Like his knees buckle and he starts yelling at Magnus with tears in his eyes like “How could you let him die you stupid warlock you’re magical you should have saved him!!” and Magnus has tears in his eyes too when he says “I know, I’m sorry there’s nothing I could have done” and Raphael collapses against him and they hold onto eachother for dear life