He thinks about Kit, some kind of warped, ruined saint with all her broken morals and shades of grey, surrounded by all of her foolish righteous holier-than-thou comrades, whiter than white, and he swallows heavily, because finally he understands what she meant. He doesn’t understand you like I do though, does he? he thinks, but she turns her back before he gets the chance to say it out loud.
Sans: “what? photos of my lil bro? of course i have some! they’re amazing!”
* Sans went to his desk, and came back with some photos of a very small Papyrus.
look at these three photos! i think this is from when he was seven… he cried so much when his ice scream fell to the floor, the ice scream lady freaked out and had to give him another one! and it was for free! look at that proud smile… that day, he learnt that he could get things he wanted if he yelled loud enough. valuable life lesson, yup.”
Sans: “and here? i think this one is from when he was eight or s’m’thing. he didnt even want to get separated from that bunny… where did he get it anyway? he was such a cute kid, amirite? ‘kept saying it was his “battle companion”. don’t ask me where that bunny is now, i have no idea…”
Sans: “this hot shot was from when he was ten. he was in that hyperactive period where he wanted to do everything at once. colorful… too colorful for my liking, but whatevs. as long as he didn’t break the house it was fine with me. thank god, he calmed down the year after…”
Sans: “this one is priceless. paps was trying to do magic all morning, and when he finally managed to do one spell, that dog stole it. papyrus was really mad for the rest of the day cause he was never able to caught it.”
even tho most ppl that hate kylo are extra mad at him for killing such an iconic and beloved character as han solo, you’d think the fact that he’s han and leia’s kid alone would make even the most casual fans very invested in him immediately? it’s supposed to emotionally fuck us up that he killed han, but it’s also supposed to make it nearly impossible to oversimplify or ignore what his character arc and personal journey is supposed to be, whether he gets redemption or becomes an even better villain or not.
i hate it so much when im clearly upset and pushing someone away and they literally just leave?? like.. nobody ever wants to say “hey i know you dont really wanna be alone so im not gonna leave and im gonna make sure ur okay and happy before i ever do have to leave you by yourself” am i really not worth doing that for?
Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.
i dont love you anymore but i still see you in my sleep sometimes. i keep thinking about how in love we were and how many chances i gave you and how many times you let me down. the hardest thing to do is leave someone you love, but by the time i left, there was nothing about you worth loving.
I watched the first episode and it was GORGEOUS, but I don’t know if I’m invested enough in the characters to continue.
but you muUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST continue
if not for me, then do it for james norton and his stupid hair
cinematically, it’s a masterpiece. honest to god i would get so distracted by the shots i would almost miss what was actually happening. like, it is throw-awards-at-peoples-faces-for-being-so-beautifully-visualized good.
and don’t get me started on the fucking music just know that i have been listening to the soundtrack practically nonstop since sunday and i want to live in it.
i understand what you mean, i think, about not being invested enough in the characters to continue after the first episode. i saw the first episode wayyyyyy back last year and thought it was good, but i didn’t get to see the rest and i wasn’t totally heartbroken over it. BUT. THEN. THEN I SAT DOWN AND WATCHED THE WHOLE DAMN THING. AND ALL THESE IDIOTS HAVE ABSCONDED WITH MY HEART AND SOUUUUUUUUL.
norton = andrei = my heart is no longer mine
but then you have nikolai who is so precious that i want to keep him and love him and call him squishy
and marya is my soulmate
and sonya is me
AND ANNA PAVLOVA IS WHO I WANT TO BE OKAY MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S GILLIAN ANDERSON BUT STIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL
and i want to adopt the entire rostov family as my own
and there are so many characters that it took me like three quarters of the way in to finally start remembering names. i still don’t understand the politics. or the relationships of some people. but LORD I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE IT IS STUNNING AND YOU NEED TO WATCH IT.
You go from joking around and stealing each others food , to laying down and talking about things you never thought you’d be able to share with anybody.
And there you are not even realizing that for the first time , for the very first time you’re letting somebody in voluntarily.
In that moment it doesn’t matter how many heartbreaks you went through, or how often you were let down.
In that moment you feel blessed for every rock you tripped over, every frog that you kissed,
every lesson you learned
Because it all led to this.
And this you finally realize is what love should feel like,
And for this you’d do it all over again.
Mickey's Love for Ian & Why He Didn't Just Walk Away
Hello loves. So I’ve been talking to some of you since Sunday about 7x10 & basically all of season 6 & 7, & why Mickey would still risk everything to come to Ian. Because there for a good long while it seemed like Ian couldn’t give a shit about Mickey. He had to be paid to see him & then was heartless enough to say so to Mickey. And then his “Yea Mick. I’ll wait.” was so unconvincing & you could tell by Mickey’s face that he didn’t believe it. And that was just the stuff Mickey KNEW. We, of course, know he’s been running around bad mouthing our angel. So, many of you ask “Why would Mickey risk it to come get Ian?” Especially since you could tell the whole episode that Mickey wasn’t sure Ian even wanted to be with him (his asking “am I gonna see you again?” & “is this goodbye?”). Well, I have some theories that I’m going to share with you.
1. Mickey thinks he’s just south side trash. Y'all remember the episode where Mandy is going to leave with her abusive boyfriend? And there’s that scene where Ian goes to tell Lip. And when Lip asks why Ian says because she thinks she’s trash & doesn’t think she could do any better. That that relationship was all she was going to get. I think Mickey is the same way. Mickey sees himself as nothing worth loving. So he believes Ian’s love is the best he’s ever going to get. Whether or not that’s true is beside the point, because that’s what Mickey believes. Why would he leave what he thinks is the best thing that will ever happen to him?
2. Ian was the first person who ever wanted Mickey. We lovingly call Mickey our “dirty white boy”. But once upon a time, V actually said that about him. And Fiona looked at him like he was a rat she discovered in the pantry. When asked if he was her type, Karen responses “only if you like the smell of dogshit”. And Kash was so scared of him that he let him steal whatever he wanted. This is what everyone thought of Mickey. No one wanted anything to do with him. He only fucks girls like Angie, who fuck everybody, because he knows they won’t turn him down. Mickey goes his whole life being unwanted & unloved. And then suddenly there’s Ian. Adorable Ian, surrounded by love, who in Mickey’s eyes, could probably get whoever he wanted. But he wants Mickey. He wants to be with Mickey. He wants to kiss Mickey. He wants to fuck Mickey. And this is a first for Mickey. Someone is actually chasing after him for once.
3. Ian accepted Mickey when Mickey couldn’t even accept himself. Mickey was scared & ashamed of his feelings for Ian. Mickey didn’t want anyone to know about it because he figured everyone felt the same way his dad did. But Ian accepted Mickey for who he was. Ian liked who Mickey was. Ian liked the parts of Mickey that Mickey didn’t like about himself. Ian made Mickey feel brave. Ian made Mickey feel like maybe there was nothing wrong with him. Maybe he could be the person he wanted to be.
4. Mickey came out for Ian. And everything changed for Mickey in that moment. As someone who came out for someone else, let me tell you what kind of connection that creates. Who you are suddenly feels very tethered to that person. They are a part of you now. A part of your story. A part of who you become. And you feel them as a part of you for the rest of your life. And that’s how Mickey probably feels about Ian. Ian helped him become who he is. He’s part of Mickey’s story.
5. Ian was the only person who stayed. For the longest time, all Mickey had was Ian. I think that’s why we see him fall apart so much both times Ian left him. Mickey doesn’t know how to be without Ian. Ian was the only person who loved him. The only one who kept coming back. He is Mickey’s home. What do you do when a person is your home? You have to be with them. Ian is Mickey’s safe place. His shelter from everything around him. Even when Ian was going through his bipolar episodes. Mickey needed Ian. We see this most clearly when Ian is in the hospital. Mickey gets drunk & ends up on the floor clutching Ian’s jacket. Mickey was scared & vulnerable & the one thing he wanted was the thing that made him feel safe: Ian. I think that’s one of the main reasons why he came for Ian. Ian makes him feel safe. And being on the run, he wants that feeling. The feeling that no matter what everything will be okay. Because he has Ian.
6. Most importantly, Ian is the love of Mickey’s life. I’m still not 100% sold that Ian feels exactly the same way (you don’t move on from true love that quickly, although we’ve never seen Ian without a boyfriend, so it could be more about Ian’s fear of being alone instead), but I think it’s true for Mickey. The two times we’ve seen Mickey talk about his “type”, it wasn’t a type- it was Ian. Because Mickey doesn’t want anyone but Ian. Ian is it for Mickey. Anything else feels like a cheap knockoff & doesn’t make him happy (just like how we feel about Ian’s relationshits). Plus, you don’t go through the kind of shit Mickey went through for Ian & still keep coming back unless you really love someone. There were so many times something awful happened to Mickey because of Ian & Mickey could’ve easily said “fuck this. I’m out.” But he never does. We never even see him consider it.
Basically when it comes down to it, Mickey loves Ian with everything he is & he would move mountains to be with him. And I think the thing about real love- soul destroying, heart crushing, bleed for you kind of love- is that you love someone no matter what. You’d light yourself on fire to keep them warm. You’d take bullets for them. And that’s the kind of love Mickey has for Ian. And with the way their lives are, honestly, I think that’s the only kind of love that will survive the fire they constantly have to walk through. That’s why I think Ian won’t find anyone else. Because the fire that constantly threatens to burn down Ian’s life (his family, his bipolar) is too much for anyone else’s love, but not Mickey’s. Ian is never going to find anyone who loves him like Mickey, and I think he FINALLY sees that. Now I just hope he loves Mickey the same way. Because he’s going to need a “walk through fire” kind of love to be with Mickey now.
So my sister brought up how Mihashi’s narrative is similar to an abuse narrative - it’s true that Mihashi is a giant negative person who cries a lot, but it’s not that simple.
Mihashi is incredibly negative and has 0 self esteem because of what happened to him on his middle school baseball team - he was severely bullied (members even threatened to break his arm so he’d stop pitching) and ignored by most of the team (except Kanou). Mihashi also doesn’t communicate in a common manner - he tends to leave phrases out of his sentences when he speaks and as Hanai commented, the way he fidgets etc. annoys people, or supposedly “provokes” people into wanting to bully him. Which is honestly a really shitty mentality (and ableist???). Basically it just means that Mihashi is a really easy target for bullying. [anger noises]
But Mihashi also feels that he deserves all of this, for not being good (how much do you want to bet that Mihashi begged Kanou to not do anything, that he’d handle it on his own or something like that, and Kanou never realized how bad the bullying it was - REMINDER: THEY WANTED TO BREAK MIHASHI’S ARM). This is a similar mentality to abuse (but regarding bullying instead), where the victim finds blame in themself and internalizes a bunch of shit.
So like, when people say that Mihashi cries too much and is wimpy and stuff, I honestly wish they would shut up.
I mean Mihashi was crying when he told Kanou that he was going to quit baseball forever - he even studied to get out of Mihoshi, and Mihashi is terrible at studying. When Mihashi first comes to Nishiura and checks out the baseball club he doesn’t intend to enter but accidentally lets it slip that he’s a pitcher. But before he pitches anything at all, he immediately break down crying because he thinks that his pitching is worth nothing (but he loves pitching so much that he couldn’t help himself). Mihashi really has 0 self esteem.
And so the meeting with Abe is incredibly important. Because if Mihashi hadn’t met Abe, he might have fallen into depression.
Mihashi only has baseball. Mihashi’s only way to really “communicate” with people in a way that they’d understand properly was baseball.
As Sakaeguchi notes:
Back then, he was treated as though he didn’t exist and felt like an invisible man. But on the mound you can’t start until the pitcher throws. While standing on the mound, you know that you truly matter.
If he gave up the mound, his essence would disappear.
Despite being bound by various contradictions and self doubt, and even while becoming a black sheep, Mihashi never let go of the mound during middle school.
And so if Mihashi had really quit baseball (and he was going to, honestly, if Abe hadn’t demanded to see him pitch), Mihashi probably wouldn’t have made any friends and would probably be alone. This is actually supported by canonical evidence:
It’s really depressing to think about, which is why this other doujinshi by Clap Your Hands is important.
What if Abe hadn’t gone to Nishiura? What if no one had really, decisively reached out to Mihashi, even going as far to tell him that they liked him?
The reason why Abe is so important to Mihashi, to the point where Mihashi places Abe on a pedestal and constantly repeats “I’ll just pitch as you say” is because Abe is the only person Mihashi really thinks likes him. Abe is the only person who actively reached out, when he knew nothing about Mihashi, and just straight up told Mihashi that he liked Mihashi.
So Mihashi starts thinking of Abe as some magical thing - as long as he follows Abe, everything will be okay. People will like Mihashi because Mihashi can be useful when Abe’s in control. Everyone in the past hated Mihashi because he wasn’t useful, so the only way for anyone to like him is for him to be useful (brb crying).
Which is why Mihashi fears losing Abe above all. Mihashi is afraid of Abe for the entire “bad communication arc” (from the start of the series until they lose at the bijou game) on some level because Mihashi has entrusted his entire mental wellbeing to Abe’s existence and acceptance of him. Which is a bad thing to do, but entirely understandable given Mihashi’s character and lack of self esteem. Mihashi always worries that Abe is mad, that Abe will want to leave them. If Abe isn’t there, Mihashi can’t be useful - if Abe isn’t there, then Mihashi will be utterly alone.
And at the same time, Mihashi’s negative feedback loop is what actually infuriates Abe (not for very long lol, Abe is just prickly) and so Mihashi and Abe’s relationship for the entire bad communication arc, despite how many cute moments it has, is unbalanced. Mihashi needs constant reassurance, but Abe can’t provide that - no one can provide that. Abe also fundamentally doesn’t get Mihashi, which leads to other communication break downs.
But all those cute moments from the bad communication arc also have a purpose - I’ve spammed character analysis tags about why Abe has control problems; but the main thing to remember is that Abe and Mihashi are both placing their worth / hopes in each other.
Abe: I’ll devote myself to you for the next three years.
Mihashi: As long as I follow Abe’s directions, everything will be okay.
Which is why Abe getting injured is so fundamentally important. It directly challenges the unbalanced dynamic they’ve set up (destroying their promise that “Abe won’t get injured for 3 years”), and it forces Mihashi to reevaluate how others see him. Tajima as the character who actually understands Mihashi’s speech patterns becomes the replacement catcher, and that’s the first time Mihashi ever shakes his head at his own volition (reminder: the catcher from Mihoshi hated Mihashi and refused to give signs). Mihashi then discovers that it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to disagree, it’s okay to work together to find a compromise. (Meanwhile in the dugout Abe finally comes to terms that his relationship with Mihashi is wrong and resolves to apologize, good for you). In healthy relationships, your “no” is respected.
At the same time Mihashi also learns that he was forcing all the responsibility onto Abe, and that he shouldn’t put all his worth in Abe’s hands. Tajima is there, Hanai is there, the rest of the team supports Mihashi (ONE OUT!). Mihashi is liked and valued, even when he slips up sometimes. They just need to have confidence.
Which is why I love oofuri so much, because it’s just so character driven. Mihashi and Abe are both amazing (and cute!!) characters, and they help each other grow so much.
If he still feels like he belongs here even if he gives up the mound, that’s great.