nothing witty

What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve?  And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird shit that happened before?  And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling?  And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air?  Allow me to explain:

The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

  • Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
  • But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
  • Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
  • And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!
  • (Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles.  This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick ass at it anyway.)
  • And the Queen totally kicked ass, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
  • So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies!  This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne.  Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
  • (Spoiler:  they were not both good fairies.)
  • So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule.  And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
  • “So listen, kid.  You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you!  You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil.  And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me.  Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude.  (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

Keep reading

Damsel in Distress- Auston Matthews

Originally posted by austonmatthews-34

I literally have nothing witty to say here. Anon, I totally understood your request so don’t worry! I hope y'all enjoy it!

Warning: creepy stalker dude

Anon Request: Do you think you can do one where you are at a store and some like creepy dude won’t leave you alone and you are like wtf and creeped out and you see Auston (and like you don’t know him also by Auston I mean Matthews Auston Matthews) and are like dude can you help I don’t know this guy and he’s following me and blah blah blah and i don’t know this sounds confusing but I’m bad at explaining things. I’m sorry


              You had had better ideas in your life.

Keep reading

I was tagged by the babes @blazesinthenorthernsky @nebraskan-metalhead and @mirror-sword-and-shield for a selfie. I added a minotaur and a cat because if it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.

I tag @aleksandroskaya @endng-as-it-comes @an-angry-slav @valkyrie-of-the-north @valhallstruevalkyrie @docking-bay-94 @ollis-beard @mathiasismywhore @kayetastic @gabibakos @letwhatyoulovekillyouu @omnipotentwanderer @fatcatben @minhyriath @thorinarkenstoned @mio-cuore @your-royal-deadness @raindancing-with-the-stars-above

No, no action at all (✿◡‿◡)


For more classic literature shenanigans, follow @monsieurbookshire and @alyssabooking. For more general book shenanigans, follow @adultbooklr.

RFA + MC as Shakespeare Couples

So, to go along with my initial post, I figured I would make a short post about who they would be as Shakespeare couples! @choisgirls

Yoosung X MC:
Orlando and Rosalind from As You Like It. Yoosung and Orlando are very similar in that they are kinda these adorable love struck puppies that would do whatever they can to please the one that they love. Rosalind and MC have to quote on quote guide them and hold their hand throughout the relationship.

Zen X MC: 
Duke Orsino and Viola from Twelfth Night. Listen, Orsino and Zen have nearly the EXACT LEVEL of vanity and self confidence (including the underlying negativity about themselves). Viola and MC are similar in where there is, to some degree, where it feels like they are not good enough for their male significant others.

Jaehee X MC:
SO. There isn’t any female (official) relationships, BUT I will FUCKING ARGUE UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME THAT Desdemona and Emilia was a secret, slightly one-sided relationship in Othello. Which is Jaehee and MC. Supportive of each other, and they don’t take shit from NO ONE.

Jumin X MC:
I’m thinking probably….Macbeth and Lady Macbeth from Macbeth. ULTIMATE POWER COUPLE. Cut out all of the moments where they start to go mad, and we have a highly sexual couple that is MADLY IN LOVE. Like, you can’t tell me otherwise. Plus, Jumin would definitely confer with MC about private business matters.

707 X MC: 
Beatrice and Benedict from Much Ado About Nothing. Witty banter GALORE. That’s all they would be. Need I say any more on the subject?

Portia and Brutus from Julius Caesar! Loving couple that share all their deep dark secrets, and will hold the other up no matter what. MC would do anything for V, and V trusts MC so much, possibly more than Jumin.

Saeran X MC: 
Probably Kate and Petruchio from The Taming of the Shrew. Because let’s be real, like Petruchio, Saeran definitely started out problematic in the beginning, and it would take a determined MC to soften him. Plus, you have to be a bit thick skinned to deal with him throughout the rough moments until you got to the soft spots.

snackcakewithshades  asked:

Hey I saw that your inbox was open! So how about the companions react to Sole asking "Will you hold this?" And holding their hand. (don't judge my fluff obsession) Thank you! 😎👌🏽💕

OK, its finally done! Thank you for asking! This was a lot of fun to write. (No judgement here!) A big HUGE thanks to @mustinvestigate for editing and all that jazz. It wouldn’t have been half as good without their help. 

Snackcakes, I think this was what you had in mind, but I did do a romanced Deacon and Nicky, because well, they need some lovin’, okay? ;) I hope you like it, and for everyone else, my inbox is OPEN and I would love to write some more reacts!


Deacon blinked behind his dark sunglasses, the action catching him off-guard. Their hand was sure and firm, rough calluses brushing the back of his hand. When was the last time someone had looked at him like this? Instinct telling him to run away, he opened his mouth with a quip at the ready.

“Anything for you, sugar,” he replied, blessing the fact that his eyes were hidden. Instincts could take the back seat; SoSu was different.

Now, it was SoSu’s turn to blush, but mirroring their companion, they shot back.

“Oh, really? Not too heavy for you? Because I might have some work later that’ll have you sore for miles, honey.”

“I can handle anything you throw at me, doll.”

This continued for a while, eventually dying off into other topics, but for some reason neither of them let go.


“Uh, you got something for me?” Nick asked, glancing down at their intertwined hands questioningly.

SoSu’s hands were warm, wonderfully warm, and Nick’s nerve complex picked up even the small cut on their middle finger.

“It’s just that, Nick, nothing else,” they said, unwavering.

Nick couldn’t meet their stark human eyes as he slithered out of the grip. It wasn’t right. SoSu was wonderful, the best partner he’d ever had. They couldn’t be wanting anything more than they already shared. Not with him.

“You don’t want that, SoSu.” The sooner it was said, the better.

“What if I do, Nick?” they asked, bumping his fedora up so that he couldn’t hide from their gaze.

Nick pondered the information, staying silent for a long time. SoSu just sat down beside him, and waited, fiddling with the fabric on their sleeve.

He glanced over to where they were sitting. They were nervous, that much was clear. They were fidgeting, and not looking at him, their target of uneasiness. His lip twisted as he contemplated the next part. Nick had honed this skill, and it had saved his life many times over, but he hated using it on his friends. He went into stand-by mode and reviewed his recent memories.

There they were. Smiling as they laughed at one of his witty comments. Wincing in pain as they suffered a bullet wound from a trigger-happy raider. He tried to focus in on the little moments. The ones that didn’t make sense. He wondered at what he found, and was amazed he didn’t see the signs sooner. They were all there, clear as day. The question was, what did he do with it?

When Nick rose from his brume of thought, he only asked SoSu one question.

“Are you sure?”

Nick’s golden eyes pierced through SoSu and when they replied, his extensive investigative skills wouldn’t let him believe any different than their complete honesty.

SoSu loved him, and damn him if he didn’t love them, too.


“Ma’am/Sir, I am not sure why this is necessary for our current operations,” X6 said, making a point of not looking at their hands.

“Come on, Sixie, you know this is completely necessary,” SoSu said, looking up at him with that irritating glint in their eyes.

“Please do not refer to me in that manner, Ma’am/Sir” X6 replied, heat creeping up his neck. “I need both of my hands to -”

SoSu leaned up and kissed him, and X6 froze. But also, he stopped talking…at least until their lips left his.

“I find that- that I do not find these actions completely unnecessary.”


“Blue, uh, that’s real cute,” Piper sputtered. “R-real cute.”

SoSu smiled and squeezed her hand, sending chills running up her spine. Now, Piper could handle a whole basket of angry people, been threatened more times than she’d taken breath. However, when faced with the trials of flirting, she was no match for - well, anyone.

“Come on, Pipes, got nothing for me? A witty comment? Well-time sting?”

“No, but…” she said, rearranging their hands. “Are you always this hot? Your hands are on fire.”

SoSu smirked.

“No! No, I just meant - the temperature! Not that I mind, but - Oh, you know what I meant,” she finished, ungracefully.

“Uh huh.”

Piper’s cheeks burned hotter, but she didn’t say anything more to avoid embarrassing herself further. What she didn’t say was that she enjoyed holding SoSu’s hand, but she wouldn’t open her mouth anymore, so she just relished the moment, memorizing the feeling of their hands intertwined.


“Oh, yes, what is it that you are giving me?” Curie said, bringing their hands up to her face. “Is this some kind of metaphor?”

SoSu giggled as they watched Curie puzzle over what the gesture meant. The synth looked quizzically at their hands and SoSu as she tried to understand.

“Will you hold this…” Curie said slowly. “Will you hold - Oh! Is zis one of those lines that Madame Cait loves to use? What did Monsieur Deacon call it? ‘Smooth moves’?”

At that, SoSu burst out in laughter, having to retract their hand from Curie’s grip to hold their stomach. Curie fell deeper into her well of confusion.

“Oh, SoSu, I still don’t understand your human mating rituals. It is such a complex thing.”

SoSu just winked and said: “Don’t worry. I’ll teach you.”


“Uh, very funny, boss,” he said, sliding out of the embrace. “You’re getting almost as savvy as me.”

SoSu flexed and inflexed the hand that had just been holding MacCready’s.

“Oh ho ho, little man’s got a big ego.”

“Little man? Little man? I can shoot better than you on any day of the week.”

“Doesn’t say anything about your stature, Mac.”

“Pfft, like you’re any better, SoSu.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Stupid mungo.”

“What the hell is a mungo?”


“Uh, General?” Preston said. “We need to focus on this settlement.”

SoSu twisted their lips up in an amusement as Preston chattered on about the location of the settlement, the grounds surrounding it, and finally marked it on the map of their Pip-Boy.

“Be careful, SoSu, this is a particularly nasty den of raiders.” he said, and they went on their way, just giving Preston a quick wave before heading off down the broken road with Dogmeat at their heels.

As Preston went on his rounds he mulled over their last conversation. Something felt off about their conversation. Had he told them everything they need to know? No, that couldn’t be it, he went over it all at least twice. They had known all they needed. What was it then?

He held his laser rifle close and absently rubbed the cold metal as he searched for anything out of the ordinary. His hands touched the glass of his firearm that was slightly warm from the laser stream. It was then when he remembered what had been wrong- no, right, about that conversation.

He tightened his grip on the weapon and thought that maybe, if he was brave enough, he might see if that offer was still open.


“Hey, hey, new kid on the block’s got style. Like it on you, SoSu,” he said, smirking.

SoSu opened their mouth, gaping at him for a moment, before shaking their head and smiling.

“Should’ve known I was messing with the master,” they added, looking at the ground. “Got myself into a duel with a the great John Hancock - who ever will win?”

Hancock raised his eyebrows and reached in his pocket for an inhaler of Jet. After taking a long drag, his eyes rested on SoSu.

“Ok, sunshine, you’re on,” he said, swinging their arms up and down. “HEY, GOODNEIGHBOR, I’M IN LOVE! I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS PERSON RIGHT HERE!”

SoSu blushed furiously, looking around and swatting Hancock on the arm, but all they got was a few annoyed glances and a small smile from Daisy.

“See? I win,” he said, eyes rearing for a challenge.

“Okay, okay, hotshot, I can do better…” they said and thought for a moment before yelling:


A small smattering of applause followed.


“Soldier?” Danse said, confused. “Do you have something for me?”

SoSu rolled their eyes and let go of the Paladin’s hand. They were back at the Prydwn, and had changed out of his power armor, intending to turn in for the night. Before he had though, SoSu had caught up with him, and just as he was detailing their mission for the next day, they interrupted and asked him to hold… Nothing?

“Oh, forget about it, Grognak,” they said. “Finish telling me what you had.”

Danse looked at her one more time, trying to figure out the meaning of what she’d just called him, before he shook his head and continued his schpiel. When he finished, he gave them a quick salute and turned away, intending to head for his quarters. Something odd struck him - it was the feeling of their hands against his, warm and alive, nothing like the cold steel that hugged him day and, more often than not, night.

He turned around to glance at their figure turning the corner. Only to see them looking right back.


“What’re you doin’?” Cait said, flustered.

“A little known thing called flirting.” SoSu said, smiling at Cait with their signature candidness. “I mean, I have studied under the best. Just being practical.”

“Well, I… umm…”

Sure, Cait knew how to flirt. Hell, she flirted easier than she breathed most days. Hearing it from SoSu though, that was a whole world away from what she practiced, edging into something she wasn’t sure she was comfortable with. At the same time, her heart pounded in her chest, a new energy running through her that she had never felt before.

“You know that you’re safe with me? Right, Cait?” SoSu said, breaking away from the contact. “If you’re not ready for this, I won’t -”

At this moment, Cait glanced around. Seeing no one on the road around them, she hesitantly reached, and felt her hand covered once again by the sure grip. Her heart pounded a little less now, and she felt the rest of her thoughts and worries fade away, if just for the moment.

If this is what love feels like, I think I’ve damn near found it.


“Yes! Human wants to test strength!”


“With brothers, we count on one -”

“Strong, stop -”

“Two -”





Mistress/Mister is a strange human. He barked and licked their face before scouting ahead for more danger.

valanthesianodel  asked:

Hi! I was wandering what the boys' reaction would be if, instead of her actual personality, Yui were very sarcastic, humorous, witty, takes nothing seriously, a bit of a prankster, and loves to annoy them. If she's going out, she's going out laughing. Mostly by pointing out all the flaws in their ridiculous schemes and whacko personalities, and making fun of them. All in clever ways of course, bad jokes aren't as much fun.

Let me just say that you described me perfectly. The most sarcastic, humorous, pranking little shit you will ever meet. Hi. Nice you meet you. I’m an ass.


Shu: wouldn’t really give a shit unless you were to disrupt his nap(s)

Reiji: oh no honey. No

Laito: still has PTSD from that time you put a spider down his pants

Kanato: he is still trying to kill you after you made him a sponge cake….out of actual sponges.

Ayato: finds your existence the most hilarious fucking thing. You guys plan pranks together

Subaru: Hates you. You know what you did.