notgoingback

A part of me wishes I could hate you because then this process of moving on would be so much easier. But the thing is you can’t truly hate someone who was once everything to you. You were 99% of everything to me. When you left I clung onto that one percent I left for myself and realized that was the problem. I gave you everything and you fucking hurt me so much. You don’t get to come around and tell me you miss me when you’re the reason you’re out of my life now. She was always in the background whispering in your ear telling you you’d be better off without me. You listened and now you want me back. No matter how much I miss you and how much I would love to have you in my arms again I’m not going back because I would be doing a disservice to myself. I deserve better. And one day I will have better. So thank you for breaking my heart. You left me no choice but to piece to put it back together on my own. And while I’m still putting them back together I fall in love with each and every piece as I go.

“If you could return to the past what time do you want to go back to??”

“Can I only go back to the past?”

“Why?”

“If I go back to the past… I know things will repeat themselves anyway.. Even if I could go back to the past, I may end up regretting the things I’m doing now. I should just live today to the fullest.”

“지금 본인이 돌아갈 수 있다면 언제로 돌아가고 싶나요?”

“안 돌아간다고 해도 되나요?”

“왜죠?”

“전 돌아가도 똑같을 것 같아요..제가 절 잘 알아가지고… 기회는 매번 반복되는거 같아요. 과거로 돌아가더라도 나중에 지금 이 시간을 또 후회할 거 잖아요. 지금 하루하루를 열심히 살아야겠죠.”

It feels really nice to be with someone..

-Who doesn’t ask me to weigh myself everyday, and if i’m over 98 pounds then i’m disgusting and can’t eat until all my bones are showing

-Who doesn’t watch what I eat, who doesn’t tell me what to wear, what color to dye my hair, how to do my makeup

-Who let’s me hang out with who I want to, who doesn’t call me horrible names or tell me once a week that I would be better off dead and that without them I will be no one.

It feels beautiful, peaceful and amazing to be with someone who truly let’s me be me, and loves me for who I am, the good and the bad, and never again will I let myself feel like I am an animal on a leash. Never again will I let someone tell me who I am and what i’m good for, because I know that if I am good enough for myself, than I am damn good enough for someone else who will love me for who I am. 

My friend organized all the New York experiences for us. One of them a food tour in Greenwich village. Celebrity spotting topped with a canoli. #notgoingback

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