notes in words

I’m one of those people that can’t let go. If I’ve had fun with you once, I will text you on your birthday for at least the next five years. If we were friends in elementary school and haven’t talked since, I guarantee I still know your mom’s name and your favorite food. My crushes never go away, they just fade. I still tell stories about great times with people I haven’t seen in years. If you turn down my offer to get drinks and catch up ten times, I promise I will still ask an 11th time. If we fight and you block me, I will find a way to check in on you anyway to make sure you’re okay. So if I give up on you, just know that you damn well deserved it.

Long distance is not easy.

It is not easy to watch someone through a screen instead of your eyes tracing the curves of their face while they’re standing in front of you.

It’s not easy to have a bad day and not be able to see one of the only people that can make it better. For something exciting to happen and not be able to celebrate about it that night.

To not be able to have brunch on Sunday morning, or make dinner plans for when you get off work, or snuggle up together on the couch for one of the nights a tv show comes on that you both love.

Sometimes you miss them so much and it’s like you can’t get relief from it. Sure, you plan times to see each other but some nights are bad and you need them right now and you need to touch them or you’ll die and your heart has never felt so lonely.

Long distance is not easy but one day it will be worth it. One day you’ll live in a cute apartment together where you can wake up next to each other and fuck each other to sleep and a see you later means see you tonight when we get off and it’s time for dinner. Long distance is a choice. It’s a commitment to say, “I love you more than all of the distance between us.”

—  you will always be worth it

As a kid, I used to think love was when you thought someone was pretty and they let you hold their hand. I would send out the letters to every girl that caught my eye and I would wait anxiously for a reply. I carried that trend into my adult life–pairing myself with any pretty girl that didn’t find me repulsive.

So when you asked me when I knew I loved you. I was tempted to say it was when we held hands for the first time and I felt it in my gut, but it was seven months later, a week after I met your family, that double date with your best friend and her loud boyfriend. During one of his many stories, you reached for my hand under the table and smiled at me because you knew how irritated I was getting. I tried to master a smile back at you but my lips turned to concrete. I felt it like I had never in my life: butterflies.

All my life I’ve been building walls and towers so high you couldn’t see what was behind; my fears and insecurities. Perhaps that’s why I always looked for battles and challenges, even when there wasn’t any. I always looked for ghosts to fight and demons to shoot so I would keep myself busy. Then, you came along and you made it easy for me. You laughed at all my jokes, especially the terrible ones and made me special, safe. I couldn’t fight this and I didn’t want to because it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I knew instantly that you didn’t want to change that part of me which always looked for the hard path but you would encourage it, standing by my side. So that’s what love is, not the absence of a battle, but fighting together.

—  A collab between my immensely talented friend @writingbykawelwa & @giulswrites

Note to self: stop rushing forward. You are right where He wants you to be. Whatever or whoever it is that you’re waiting for right now in this moment? Trust Him. Trust His timing. Trust His plan. Because He’s got this, love. He’s got this, and He’s got you, and you are right where you are meant to be. Now, lean into Him and enjoy where you’re at today.

Fall in love with someone that doesn’t make you think that you are hard to love.
— 

-After all… no one is perfect.

-m.t.t.

There are a lot of things that seem like the end of the world. Like when the person you like stops talking to you once you sleep together. Or when you have to watch a person you’re supposed to be over date someone else and you realize that sharp pain in your chest probably means you’re not actually over them.

But what’s even harder is losing someone without getting to say goodbye and not having anyone to talk to about it. Or having to hurt someone you care about because you know what’s best for them and it’s not you.

There are so many times in our lives that our hearts will break. And the bad news is, one of those times will be worse than all the others. But the good news is, it’s probably not what you’re going through right now.
Don’t give me hope. Please. Be clear that it’s over. Break my heart. It’s ok. Just don’t give me hope. Don’t string me along, allowing me to develop this false pretense that we might get back together. You know that it’s over, but I don’t. I am an optimist. I am holding onto this thin thread of hope that we might miraculously work things out and end up together again. So, please. Break my heart into a million pieces and be clear that there is nothing left to salvage.
— 

-Hope isn’t always a good thing.

-m.t.t.

I am the one before the one.

It’s a role I’ve learned to accept.

I am the one who will overload your senses, I am far too much of everything, but you will try to encompass all that I am. I will be the one who teaches you exactly what you want from “the one.” With me you will see things as though the lights were turned too high on the dimmer so that you could only see me and the music too loud that you couldn’t quite hear anybody else. With the next girl you end up with she will shine just brightly enough that you will be able to see everything you couldn’t see with me and the volume of her music will not leave you deaf when the song ends.
I will help you grow by pushing you to the extent of your limit, I will call you out when you’re wrong, I will ask you to do a little better than last time, and I will love you with a love you didn’t even know could exist.
It will feel as though one hand I’ve given you to hold holds all the love in the world and the other holds the words my tongue lashes out with no filter. But with those hands you will learn both the love you deserve and how to finally not hold back how you truly feel. These hands will teach you to speak freely without fear of condemnation and condescending judgements. They will teach you to love and touch everything that you find beautiful as you pull your hands through her hair or frolic through a patch of flowers and pull the petals to your face to smell their fragrance.
You see after me, you’ll learn not only how to love yourself, but love her. She will tell you that she’s never experienced a love quite like yours and you’ll never tell the secret that you learned it from me.

You see, I am the one before the one.

But like that scar you got from scraping your knee on the climb up your favorite mountain, you won’t forget me.
When pieces of her emanate me, I will be present in the breath you hold in just a second too long at the memory of me, the sharp feeling on your tongue as you bite down as my name starts to slip through your mouth, the butterflies in your stomach as you remember the way my eyes lit up at your presence. Her smooth edges that represent who she is will often remind you of my jagged edges, the ones that cut you but you still loved to climb. And for all those moments you’re reminded of me, you’ll touch your knee and realize you hadn’t climbed your favorite mountain to your favorite view in a while. You’ll wonder if instead of the common smooth edged rock you’d found on the ground, the one you could buy for five dollars at your local farmers market, you could’ve had a fine cut diamond with jagged edges.
And as you look into her eyes and see your reflection you’ll wonder if the pressure of my love could’ve made you a diamond as well.

—  I am the one before the one
I hate how I’ve become so attached to you. I’m not this person. I don’t sit around waiting for a text or a response. I don’t stare at my phone every 5 minutes just to see if you have messaged me or whether or not you’re active on social media. I don’t look at old pictures and try to relive old memories in my head. I don’t get sad if we don’t talk for a day or more. This isn’t me, but lately that’s who I’ve been. I hate this. I hate how I’ve made you so important in my life.
— 

-I hate how I’ve given you the ability to destroy me.

-m.t.t.

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but it’s better if you do - panic! at the disco