Aquarius: Your new boyfriend is a drug-loving slut and he’s not good for you, and I don’t have the time in my life to worry about your shit or whether you’ll be in jail next week.
Pisces: You’re a cum-dumpster cunt. Doesn’t need much more of an explanation.
Aries: You’re legit and my BFFE. Couldn’t live life without you. Happy I’m the one who taught you to be gay.
Taurus: You’re literally the coolest person in the world. For Sure. So smart, funny, ambitious, creative and drop dead gorgeous. You’re Me. I’m fucking awesome.
Gemini: I’ll always remember that time you thought Asia was a country and not a continent. Seriously, how did you not know that Japanese and Korean people were considered Asian? Where did you go to school you dumbass bitch.
Cancer: Don’t care that you’re a server now; you’ll always be a go-go dancing, over-dramatic fucking asshole to me. Go pop that ass on another 70 year old dude to get another 20 dude.
Leo: I totes dig you. Would have dated you, but didn’t work out and I’m cool with that ‘cause you’re a pretty legit dude and totes cool friend. Happy for your future but annoyed it made you move out of the DFW area. Totes want you to become a slut though dude! (You know who you are)
Virgo: Relationship jumper. You’re a thirsty ass ho. I can’t ever forget that time you dated three dudes within a month and were FB official.
Libra: TBH you’re the guy I’m ‘dating’ right now and I’m not sure whether or not I can see myself with you. I really care for you, but you push my buttons, don’t understand my ambition sometimes and you’re my exact opposite and aren’t very social. Plus right now I’m kind of mad at you so whatevs.
Scorpio: Your ex-boyfriend was a douche. You’re hot though and I would totally hit it. Not boyfriend material at all though.
Sagittarius: Sometimes I look at you and wonder whether or not you think in French and everyone around you speaks English and you just don’t understand because you’re literally that dumb. Like so stupid. I just don’t even know dude.
Capricorn: Laaaaaaaaaaame. You’re so fucking boring. I don’t ever really wanna hang out with you, it just kind of happens and I don’t even know you’re there half the time or I would have re-evaluated the idea of attending the social function.