not-poetry

The the

He grew up
With a revulsion 
For the word ‘the’
And refused to use it. 

he said that it
Was unholy to use
A word that no one 
could define. 

There was a definition
Of course. 
About how it defined a particular
Instance of a noun rather
Then the general instance

The word
Rather than
A word. 

But the word 
Was a word

And to a certain extent
A word was the word

That nearly persuaded him
But then he thought
What was the difference between the general instance 
Of the word and the specific?

What was the difference between the the and any old
The?

He suspected nothing
Superman.

I wish I didn’t know much
of the walls of a hospital or how
uncomfortable the beds can be

I wish I could forge my
bones out of iron and maybe
my heart, so it couldn’t break

I’ve always wanted to be
a little less human and so much
closer to extraordinary

But I lay here, vulnerable
bumps frozen on my skin,
underneath the frail shelter of
blankets

I’m gonna escape to outer space

I just want to kiss your forehead when you least expect it. I want to hold your hand and cuddle you all day. Then I want to settle down in bed at night and tell you everything you want to know about me. Finally I want to have you fall asleep in my arms after a soft, sweet goodnight kiss. That’s all I want for as long as I’m able to have you be mine.

You are a pressure cooker. As soon as you start to feel a sliver of emotion, you put the lid on it and you don’t deal with anything. I understand that’s your coping mechanism, and it’s working for you, but you need to understand that in the long run it isn’t going to be beneficial to you. One day someone is going to come along that you can feel comfortable enough with to tear down your walls. I know things are bad now— you’ve been in crisis mode since I’ve met you— but every time you start to think those bad thoughts like ‘I am so overwhelmed that I can’t function’ or ‘this is all hopeless’ just remember to add a 'for now’ at the end. You say that everyone seems to think you’re emotionless— I think that’s a lie. I also think you feel everything as deeply, if not more, than everyone else— you just keep it all bottled up because no one has ever given you the chance to be vulnerable. You spend your time taking care of everyone else, and you don’t give up on people— I don’t think you’d be able to live with yourself knowing you left someone alone. When are you going to start taking that unconditional love you have towards others and start to reciprocate that towards yourself? You hold yourself to an unrealistically high standard, way more than you do any other being on this planet. Just know that it’s okay to say 'today I am human— and I am going to be angry or sad or annoyingly giddy for no reason’

always remember that it’s okay to be human

—  Alexis H., things my therapist told me that are just now starting to make sense

I don’t sleep in anymore

No longer do I lay in bed exhausted from nightmares
Up, showered, breakfasted and out before everyone else

Somethings changed
And I fucking love it

I’m more selfish and less needy
More active and less anxious
I want to fuck at least 20% of people in every room I enter

I’m eating less
The only hunger I feel comes not from my stomach

I like myself more when I’m sober
I like myself more when I’m naked

I’m alert at all times
I talk less but better

I have perverted thoughts frequently
I don’t crave to be wanted anymore

I just crave

I care less

I always want more

—  .p.k – Evening confessions … [04/10/14]

my mama thinks im a monster & i think she’s right
i saw the devil in the mirror last night
     but if you think i’m pretty, well
     the world can
                    fucking burn

Happy father’s day to the mothers that had to be both roles.
Happy father’s day to the dads that are celebrating with their husbands too.
Happy father’s day to the dads that had to deal with a miscarriage. (You’re still a father.)
Happy father’s day to the LGBTQ+ dads.
Happy father’s day to the stepdads that always wanted the best for their stepkids.
Happy father’s day.

*unfiltered 6.24.15

I gotta be there for my future son, man.
My father only made it to 23.
I’m 25.
My father left when I was young but tried to get it right until they took his life, I was 4. I promise I’ll be there, Day 1.
Promise I’ll raise you to be a facetious, compassionate, woke and most of all– an unapologetic individual.
I can’t wait to hip you to my music.
You will have some of my taste.
You’ll probably annoy me with your smart mouth. Your grandmother will tell me that’s what I get for being the same way as a kid.
Whoever your mother is will probably be just as facetious, if not more. You won’t have it easy on either end.
You’ll learn how to treat a queen from her.
Your mom will be a delicate, take-no-prisoners badass.
I’ll probably have to save you from her sometimes. And I might have you say a few jokes that would get you in trouble with her (shit, it’ll get me in trouble too).
But I got you.
You’ll be carefree and full of love.
You’ll be a weirdo like me.
I’ll love you.
And I’ll always be there.

i think i was looking for
a place to call my home, 
a place to call my own.
i think i was hoping for
someone to take the pains
of my past away,
someone who could help 
me face the worries of tomorrow,
someone who would make me feel
not so
alone.
i think i messed it up.
i know i messed it up.
i think i pushed you away,
because i was afraid i wasn't 
strong enough
beautiful enough
smart enough
enough
enough 
enough.
i was afraid i wasn’t enough.
i hope you know 
i’m sorry.
and i hope you know
my heart will always be yours.
—  an honest letter to the love of my life ((b.r.))
i'm a hard core..

lover.

bonafide
strong
a nurturer
giver
but i can’t continue loving if it’s not reciprocated
and not that tit-for-tat kind of love
you know the
“i’ll do this much for you because you do that much for me” kind of love
love me because you desire to.
because you want to share you and your world with me.
deeply
immensely.
with every facet of your being.
you want it to be so well known
and understood
it’s embedded in
my skin my memory and my soul.

..a love that intense could never be questioned.