Honestly, if you were silent when The Walking Dead was killing Black men off like it was Highlander because there could be only one but now you’re suddenly enraged by the death of one white lesbian, then I really don’t wanna hear it.
i know a lot of people don’t think that short gif chats without the para-ed out thoughts and inner monologues further the character and plot development much, but consider this: it’s practice for writers to write dialogue. you need to convey a thought ( perhaps even with subtext which then would definitely further the character and plot development ) of the character in only a few lines that uttered out of their mouth. it’s like writing a script, where dialogue and actions are the most important elements of it. that’s what gif chatting is to me, and honestly? i think it’s bullshit that gif chatting doesn’t develop your character(s) and/or plot.
If God is real, He isn’t who I made Him out to be.
And, at first, that thought broke and terrified me, but now I wonder if maybe it’s a good thing.
Maybe He’s even more.
Maybe He’s a God who sees me struggling but knows I’m trying my humanly possible best.
Maybe He’s more understanding than I give Him credit for. Maybe He’s even softer, even fiercer, even closer than ever before.
Maybe He’s not disgusted by my unbelief, but shouting, “CHRISTINA, OPEN YOUR EYES”. Maybe He loves me so much that my doubt has given Him a righteous anger.
I must have some worth in me. To make a God angry.
I wish I had more feeling. I wish this concept could make me weep. But I have too many walls up and I couldn’t care less. And that’s scaring me.
I need Him though, because I’m losing my best friend. I need Him, whoever He is, whether He is the farthest thing from the truth or not. Whether He is everything I thought He was - or not.
So I’ll get my new car and they will thank God for His blessing, while I call it me working four shifts a week.
I’ll publish a book and they will call it God’s gift, when it was just me practicing for two years.
I’ll wake up on Sunday and go to church and find it all ludicrous because that is simply what I feel right now, and I can’t change the stupidity of every attempted encouragement I read.
It sounds like crap. Not a bit of it gets to me.
I’ll see things more logically and less spiritually, because my common sense or my depression or just sucked dry of life forces me to be.
But I do know this - I can’t lose the only friend I have. Because when I’m having a anxiety attack in the bathroom before work, when I’m heartbroken or rejected or scratching the skin of my legs or wishing I was dead, I need to whisper to someone.
All I know is, He isn’t who I made Him out to be. But maybe He’s more. Maybe He’s a lot more patient than I thought. Maybe He can handle a teenie human’s fist in the air.
Maybe He isn’t shocked or ashamed that I can’t get myself out of shrinking. Maybe He’ll still hold me up. Maybe He doesn’t hate me when I tell Him to screw off.
Maybe when we say God isn’t based on our “feelings”, we mean it. Maybe it’s impossible to be unwashed from Christ’s blood. Because Jesus’ name gives me absolutely no power. No feeling. But that shouldn’t erase my salvation.
Right now, God is not real. I am numb and bitter to anything you could ever say about Him being so incredibly fantastic but I’d rather try to ignore my walls and talk to air than be alone.
You guys continue to reaffirm my beliefs when I first joined the wonderful Maleval fandom: I’m lucky enough to be a part of one of the coolest, most supportive, dedicated and respectful communities ever.
I can’t even wrap my head around how this fandom has such a high concentration of truly sweet, good-hearted people—just WOW.
So that said, I wanted to thank you. I hope we continue to grow in not only appreciation of the characters of Maleficent and each other’s creativity, but in friendship and camaraderie. And I have no doubt that that is exactly what will happen. I love you guys with all of my heart, I really do. God Bless you all!