not-a-people-person

I often have a weird craving for fem!doctor/rose. So here you are ♥

I actually had hayley!doctor in mind, but this could easily be fem!ten or even Clara - take your pick! ♥ (I also have a version of this without the “girls like girls” but I posted this one because I listened to that song on a loop while drawing)

anonymous asked:

Are you blonde? For some reason i've always imagined you blonde, maybe that's just me Malfoy'ing you in my head though lol

I actually am blonde! I’m also absolutely delighted that you’ve been Malfoy’ing me! That’s such an honor :D

My mom told me to write out everything about why I'm scared to come out to my dad as trans so...

When my dad was a young adult, young 20s ish, his best childhood friend went to Miami. A few months later his friend moved back and my dad didn’t know why, no one would tell him.

My dad is 6 foot 1, has this permanent scowl on his face thanks to years of abuse from his step father, and a loud booming voice and somewhat of a temper to boot (not so much anymore but back then definitely). But my dad is not mean, he is not scary, and he is not this macho tough guy even though he looks it. My dad cares and loves everyone so deeply it scares him sometimes. He has anxiety, ADD, dyslexia and faced an abusive and neglectful household growing up. So he built up this hard exterior to protect himself but it wasn’t him, it never was.

So when my dad was the last to find out his best friend was sick with AIDs and was gay, he was heartbroken. Everyone knew before him but everyone was so scared to tell him his best friend was gay, scared by this protective shell that was harder and colder than the man underneath it.

As my mom says it broke him then. He was devastated. His best friend was dying and no one wanted to tell him because they were worried he was actually a mean, bad guy. My dad didn’t get a lot of time left with his best friend. The hardest thing he’s ever done, he always says, is not crying when he was the pallbearer for the funeral.

Last Easter I came out to my mom as Trans. My relationship with my mom and dad are very different since they are no divorced. My mom is an alcoholic and we don’t have the best past but she is a pure and good person when she’s sober. She’s also a gender counselor and therapist. I also don’t live with her but I can rely on her. So I told her because she wasn’t attached to the rest of my life. I could tell my mom and no one else had to know. I could tell my mom and get the support to start my transition. And so far she’s been an amazing help and has talked me through everything as a mother but also as a therapist.

My mom went to jail for a few months for her second DUI when I was 16. It wasn’t until I was 18/19 until I felt comfortable talking to her again. I talk to her every day now and I feel our relationship is healthier and better than ever. Sometimes I still get angry about what she did to me and I have some intense abandonment issues. But most of the time we just get along.

My dad though, oh boy, anyone who really knows me knows my dad is my best friend, the most important person in the world to me. I talk to him every day and I’ve lived away from home for going on 3 years now and I still get homesick being away from him. My dad has done everything for me, has sacrificed and put so much on the line for me and without thinking. We have a lot of the same fears, our anxiety disorders are almost identical to each other’s. He let me stay home from school or leave school early if I was having a panic attack, took me to my first Bruins game because I was going through a depressive episode, took me to concerts even pretended to like heavy metal when I explained to him how important music was to me.

But my dad isn’t separate from everything else. If I tell my dad so much will change, things will start to happen. And I want them too. I want HRT and top surgery more than anything but I know I can’t start towards either of those without telling my dad. But at the same time I’m scared. Scared it’ll be awkward for people, scared it’ll be awkward for me, scared people will be uncomfortable. And I know who cares right?? I care. I’m scared of awkwardness more than I’m scared of pain or rejection. Because here’s the thing. My dad doesn’t have that cold, hard protective shell anymore, not to me. I love my dad and I know this is not something he would have a problem with. He didn’t in the 80s and he doesn’t now. My dad doesn’t let a day go by without letting me know that no matter what he’s here for me and loves me. And I believe and trust him 100% but I’m still scared. I’m still worried. Once thins start what if they go to fast? What if people call me by the wrong name or pronouns? I hate confrontation and I hate embarrassing other people by telling them they’re wrong.

When I was younger I remember watching documentaries on young trans kid with my dad and step mom. They both had no problem with it and have never shown problems since. But I remember the parents going “I’m mourning my son but now I have a daughter” or vice versa. And I’m scared my dad will see it that way, that he lost something instead of the way that it is which is, this is always been me. Im scared that we won’t be so close. I’m scared about the conversation after I tell him. I’m scared with every day that passes a wall is building up. Im scared that as a cis man he’ll see me as faking it. I’m just scared to tell him. My dad is the most important person in the world to me. Telling everyone else is a breeze because who the fuck cares what they think. But my dad, everything he thinks matters. The stakes with my dad are so high. And I’m scared.

I’m also scared because with every day that passes it’ll be harder to tell him. It’ll be harder for him to hear thinking “do people still think I’m a cold, mean person?” I’m scared because I know he knows somethings up and he knows I’m not telling him. Coming out to him as bisexual was easy. It was casual. But this is so much more.

There’s so just so many things I’m scared of but mostly I’m scared to be another person that doesn’t trust him to be open and kind like the person he truly is. I’m scared to hurt him. And I’m just. Scared of change and pain and awkwardness and things being different and time passing. I always joke that I’m my parents favorite out of my siblings. But it’s kind of true. And I’m scared that if I come out maybe it won’t necessarily change because I’m probably not actually the favorite, but the easiness will go away.

Coming out is so hard.

So hard.

“How dare the blacks cast black people as black characters”! It’s only cuz I realized that kid was 13 that I was like “oh of course this is garbage, they’re just are going through their phase of saying wild things that make little to no sense.” They even called me anti-Latinx for pointing out that Miles Morales can def be both at the same time. Aw Cute.

anonymous asked:

Do you still use references for your drawings? For poses?

I used to use pictures as references all the time for poses but now I just use them as a last resort because there aren’t always references for the pose I have in mind. Studying anatomy helped loads and like you gotta reaaaaally train your powers of observation. So carry a sketch book with you at all times, do quick sketches of the people you see, if you can’t afford drawing classes with a real model go outside and people watch (but do it in a very subtle way ejdksosw). There’s a difference between using pictures as references and drawing from life.

Monday thoughts...

If ‘the stripper’ can take 5 years & turn herself into a successful business owner, advocate, & activist, people can prove the world wrong. Stop effing proving them right.

This is a general statement, not a statement about one person, place, thing, or situation. This is a disclaimer. 

I’m just sayin’.