not trying to steal at all

Just had a conversation w some friends about the shit they did back in high school when they were mad at their parents.

Now, because I am a huge nerd, the first place my brain went to upon hearing this was ~Shakespeare~. More specifically, the fact that everything they described sounded like something Hamlet would ABSOLUTELY do.

So, in no particular order, Hamlet would totally try to spite his mother and uncle by:

  • Hiding in a basement closet for three hours
  • Stealing all the toilet paper from his parents bathroom and hiding it under his bed, thus giving himself and endless supply of toilet paper and making his parents have to buy more
  • Stealing his uncles phone, re-setting his ringtone to trap rap, and then calling him at inappropriate times
  • Going out at 3 am and driving the family car around the block JUST because they said he couldn’t borrow it
  • Letting a stranger use their bathroom
  • Having sex on his parents bed (probably with Horatio)
  • Giving a blowjob (probably to Horatio) in the laundry room while his parents ate dinner literally two rooms over
  • Have sex in the back seat of his uncles car (probably with Horatio)
  • Just lots of sex having at inappropriate times or places
  • Wearing tacky mismatched outfits for the sake of pissing off his parents
  • Eating loudly
  • Purposefully using up the hot water
  • Slowly, over the course of several weeks, changing where everything is in the kitchen
3

Yeahhh…this isn’t awkward at all!

Forrest steals one last moment with his gorgeous bride to be before heading out to meet his brothers and father at the wedding venue to ensure that everything is set up to their liking!

Poppy is on hand to bake the wedding cake and try to ignore her son and future daughter in law making out as she’s trying to sort out their catering!

I think my favourite scene in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure as a whole series is in Part 6 when Jolyne and Hermes are trying to get a carrier pigeon to take a CD out of the prison.

Suddenly, the main villain’s Stand shows up!

They panic because they don’t know which one of his crazy OP powers he’ll use.

Will he create an illusion to scare them?

Will he put them to sleep? 

Will he dissolve them with acid? 

Will he control their minds? 

Will he steal their memories? 

Will he steal their Stands?

But then he

HE JUST TAKES OUT A FUCKING HANDGUN

HE HAS ALL THESE CRAZY MIND BENDING POWERS AND PULLS OUT A DAMN PISTOL

IT’S LIKE IF CELL SHOWED UP TO THE CELL TOURNAMENT IN DRAGONBALL Z WITH A FUCKING SHOTGUN

Best Comedic Moments of IT (2017)
  • “Best feeling ever!” “Really? Try tickling your pickle for the first time”
  • New kid on the block Ben listening to New Kids on the Block (And making references to their songs and hanging up a poster that he tries to hide)
  • Bill trying to come up with a lie to Eddie’s mom about where they’re going and he goes “I got a new uhhhhh” and then Richie jumps in “A new croquet set!" 
  • Eddie going to kiss his mom goodbye and Richie going "Do you want one from me too Mrs. K?” as Eddie pushes him out the door
  • Pennywise calling Ben “Egg boy”
  • When they found Betty Ripson’s shoe in the sewers and Richie goes “How do you think Betty feels? Running around these tunnels with only one freaking shoe” while hopping up and down with one foot in the air 
  • “It’s in my second fanny pack” “Why do you have two fanny packs?!" 
  • When Eddie is dressing Ben’s cuts from Henry and Richie goes "You have to suck the wound before you apply the bandage, this is 101!” and Eddie just flat out replies “You don’t know what you’re talking about”
  • “The list is longer than my wang!” “That’s not saying much” Stan freaking roasting Richie 
  • The beautiful aesthetic shot of Bev jumping off the cliff with this soft pretty music playing in the background as Richie screams “WHAT THE FUCK”
  • Ben asking if they want to see more of his research about the missing kids and the history of Derry and Eddie violently shaking his head 
  • “Derry started as a beaver trapping camp” “Still is AM I RIGHT BOYS?” Richie going for a high five and getting REJECTED 
  • When Richie is put on lookout outside Bev’s apartment and asks “What if her dad comes back?” and Stan is just DONE and goes “Do what you always do: Start talking!" 
  • "Trash the trashmouth!" 
  • "The sink went all Eddie’s mom’s vagina”
  • When they’re all talking about their experiences with IT and Richie goes “Wait can only virgins see this stuff? Is that why I’m not seeing this shit?" 
  • When the losers saw Mike’s bike and all ran to help immediately and Stan took the extra three seconds to kick his bike stand down 
  • Richie yelling "ROCK WAR” and immediately getting hit in the face 
  • Richie trying to steal and play the horn from the marching band guy in the background during a serious scene 
  • “I saw a leper…… It was like a walking infection”
  • When Stan brings up the woman that IT transformed into for him and Richie just goes “Is she hot?”
  • When Bill asked who wants to stay out of Neibolt House to keep watch and everyone raised their hands (“Fuck” -Richie) 
  • “Can’t believe I pulled the short straw. You guys are lucky we’re not measuring dicks" 
  • Pennywise saying "Beep beep Richie” immediately before attacking him 
  • 3 doors labeled “Very scary” “Scary” and “Not scary at all” with Bill and Richie looking directly at each other before running to “Not scary at all”
  • After Eddie broke his arm and Richie went “I’m gonna snap it back into place!” and Eddie just yelled “Do not fucking touch me!”
  • “Who invited Molly Ringwald?”
  • When Richie yelled that Ben was leaking Hamburger Helper
  • “See that guy I’m hitting? I’m pretending it’s you” Richie while playing the arcade game when Bill came to talk to him after their fight 
  • When Eddie went to confront his mom about his meds being placebos “THEY’RE GAZEBOS! THEY’RE BULLSHIT!”
  • Richie trying to break the bottle against the railing so he has a weapon but then the entire thing just shattered
  • Pennywise’s weirdass dance 
  • “And now I’m gonna have to kill this fucking clown!” END MY LIFE BEST MOMENT OF THE MOVIE
  • “WELCOME TO THE LOSERS CLUB, ASSHOLE!” RICHIE RIGHT BEFORE HITTING PENNYWISE WITH THE BASEBALL BAT
  • “I know what I’m doing for my summer experience essay” Richie right after the final confrontation with IT
taz modern college au headcanons where also they all live in seattle

(aka my extremely niche au that only appeals to me)

  • The Plot Here: the IPRE crew is a ragtag group of friends at college (probably UW? definitely UW)
  • John is an RA who’s trying to End All Campus Parties
  • The IPRE crew is constantly trying to throw epic parties and have a good time at them before John comes and shuts them down
  • The Light of Creation is one of these things
  • The crew and John are locked in a constant battle where John crashes their parties and steals it if they don’t hide it fast enough and then they have to sneak into his dorm to steal it back
  • Ango is also there he’s like a high schooler who got early acceptance into college
  • The crew adopts him accidentally
  • IPRE Robes = matching red snuggies that Barry made for the final project in that sewing class he took as an elective one year
  • garfield is a really weird weed dealer. what is he even majoring in?? does he even go here?? nobody knows but he has a weird little shop set up in a closet nobody uses anymore

more headcanons about everyone:

Keep reading

The Rope of Destiny

The party, with the help of a bunch of foreign soldiers, has just downed a large and rather terrifying creature we know only as “the night spirit” which has been giving us trouble for a while. When the night spirit finally passed out on the ground, it transformed into a young girl. After much debate about what to do, we agree to tie her up and wait to see what happens. Our very uncharismatic monk, who is both a thief and a hoarder and oddly has higher sleight of hand than our rogue, offers to do the tying, but refuses to use her own rope (see: hoarder).

Monk: I don’t have any rope.

Paladin: I’m literally looking at your rope. It’s strapped to the outside of your pack.

Monk: … this rope is special rope. It has a specific fate. Today is not the day this rope is to be used.

DM: Roll deception.

Monk: *nat20*

Party: WTF?!?!

DM: That totally works. Everyone around you believes that rope has a preordained destiny.

Fighter: *squinting at monk* Can I roll insight on that?

DM: Sure.

Fighter: *nat1* … goddammit.

Party: *erupts into laughter*

DM: You are completely and utterly suckered, you sad sack of shit. You genuinely believe this rope is powerful. You don’t know how powerful, or what its powers are, but you now covet it.

Rogue: I try to steal the rope.

DM: Fine. You’ve opened Pandora’s box with this shit.

Rogue: *nat1*

Party: *gasping for breath between bouts of laughter*

DM: You move to swipe the rope, but slip and wind up genuflecting before it.

Party: *has to briefly break to compose ourselves after all this absurdity*

Paladin: *looks somewhat disturbed by everything that has transpired* … here, just. Use my rope. (ooc) If you roll another nat1, I’m out.

Monk: Thank you! ^^ Alright, now I tie up the kid.

DM: Roll sleight of hand.

Monk: *nat1*

DM: (without missing a beat) You tie yourself to the child. You wear her like a backpack.

Paladin: *walks out*

completely out of text quotes that im fully convinced were said on the starblaster

spoilers maybe??? I guess

I don’t know who said what for half of these and even though some of them are kind of obvious everything is up for interpretation

feel free to add to this!!

- “welcome back, my love!!!! stop fucking dying”
- “cap’npooooort taako hit me with the ladle agaaaaaain”
- “if one of you chucklefucks switch the red ink cartridges into blue pens again I swear to GOSH you won’t make it to the next cycle”
- “hey sorry to wake you up but Barry got ahold of the magic booze and won’t stop singing “margaritaville” and normally I’d be okay with this but he forgot half the words and is replacing it with beep boops so can I sleep in your room tonight”
- “maggie, broski, bubba, if you pronounce lasagna as las-aag-nah one more time, I’m gonna hit you with the fucking ladle agAIN-“
- “IF YOU KIDS DONT STOP FUCKING YELLING IM TURNING THIS SPACE BOAT AROUND AND LETTING ALL OF YOU GET VORED BY DARKNESS”
- “sorry I used magic to try and toast a bagel but I got distracted and long story short for the rest of the year we only have half a kitchen”
- “see Merle your plan is good and all but not only is it dumb, it’s also stupid.”
- “are you allergic??? no??? then there’s absolutely no reason we can’t have a dog we have plenty of food and water and I would train him he’d be a good boy I swe
- “i have no idea how to play chess but I’m almost certain you’re doing it wrong”
- “hey stop stealing Magnus’s shit!!!! that’s my thing”
- “lup was shaving half of davenport’s mustache really necessary JUST because he ate the rest of your Fantasy Poptarts?!” (from my other hc post).
- “this toaster is homophobic” 
- “this coffee maker is transphobic”
- “hey Lucretia sorry to bother you but I accidentally let myself be emotionally vulnerable for 10 seconds and Magnus has been trying to get me to talk about things so I’m your book partner now”

- “his name is john? god with a name like that I just wanna punch him even more.”
- “no! dogs! in! space!”

Cooking with Pennywise (Headcanon)

Anon Request: Cooking headcanon?

  • Your kitchen will look like a bomb hit it everytime
  • Penny loves to make cupcakes or any kind of cake really
  • He will eat half the icing before it’s finished
  • When it is done, he starts a food fight by smashing something into your face
  • He loves sprinkles
  • “Humans have so many kinds of food.. Why?” *confused look*
  • Drooling into the food
  • Having to tell him not to drool into the food
  • The disgusted face he makes when he starts chewing on all the different vegetables
  • “These are horrible.”
  • Throws vegetables
  • When ever you try to cook steak, he will steal atleast one and eat it raw
  • Raw steak has become his new obsession
  • He ain’t no Gordon Ramsey (..But he’s got the same attitude.)
  • You screaming when you see him reach into the hot oven barehanded
  • He has that maniacal giggle when you freak out over something
  • “Could a human.. Fit in the oven?”
  • You telling him that he is not putting a human in your oven
  • Him taking a interest in the eggs
  • Him breaking the eggs on purpose
  • “Oh, these are fun!”
  • Him actually taking cooking seriously every once in a while
  • The only thing he can really “make” is cereal though
  • Him curiously looking at the red ring that is the hot stove eye
  • You become concerned when you hear sizzling, only to see he’s stuck his hand to it
  • You screaming again
  • He gives you a confused look for screaming
  • He likes to try to cook for you
  • You watch in amusement as he runs around the kitchen trying to prepare everything
  • Angry growls
  • “What’s the point of these cups with the numbers!”
  • Throwing half the cooking utensils around the room
  • He gets side tracked when he finds a box of popcorn in the cabinet
  • His eyes being glued to the microwave as he puts a bag in
  • More drool
  • “Pop, pop, pop!”
  • By the end, he usually has more food on him than he has actually cooked
  • He settles on fixing cereal as usual
Ethan and Grayson as Boyfriends Would Include

Ethan

Originally posted by punishmedolans


✰ Being the “low key couple”

✰Ethan not being big on PDA outside of the house, but when it’s just the both of you, he can’t keep his hands off of you

✰Don’t get me wrong he’ll still grab your ass in public though

✰ Him being super protective over you

✰Playing video games together

✰ Him occasionally letting you win

✰ Playfully insulting each other

✰ Butterfly kisses

✰ Long makeout sessions

✰Roasting people together

✰Generally just being savages

✰wheezing at his shitty jokes

✰ pulling allnighters together constantly

✰Late night “adventure walks”

✰Little surprise dates

✰ Him teaching you how to skateboard

✰ Spoiling you as well

✰ Playing with his hair all of the time

✰ Forcing him to grow his hair long again

✰Long roadtrips, with just the both of you

✰Hiking together

✰Embarrassing him all the time

✰Ethan attempting to cook for you, and end up burning the entire house down

✰Going to grocery stores together and being the loudest people in the building

✰ Piggyback rides

✰ Lazy days would consist of finishing entire tv series together

✰ Playing with his hands

✰Musical jam sessions together

✰Hugging him from behind

✰Him resting his head and cuddling into your boobs

✰ Cute couple instagram and snapchat pictures

✰Stealing all of his hoodies because they smelled like him

✰Making his baby picture your homescreen

✰Rap battles

✰Going to themeparks together

✰ Being his entire world

Grayson

Originally posted by tuesdaygirl8055


✰Being the “Clingy Couple”

✰Literally Grayson would not want to leave your side, ever

✰ Working out together 

✰ Him getting jealous over literally everything that isn’t him

✰”Baby he’s gonna steal you from me!”

✰”Gray, he’s five that’s illegal.”

✰Surfing dates all the time

✰Little surprise beach picnics

✰Ethan third wheeling you constantly

✰I feel like Graysons more of the romantic one all the way around

✰ little surprise gifts

✰ spoiling you all of the time, even though you tell him not to

✰ dad jokes

✰Getting matching tattoos together

✰Him always kissing your cheek

✰Hoding doors open for you

✰“ If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute cumber”

✰ “GRAYSON STOP”

✰ cooking together, ending up in a food fight every time

✰ grilling “hotdogs” together

✰ him being completely whipped

✰ Like he’d drop everything for you, example if you were walking

✰Gray falling asleep on your lap

✰ You being his homescreen

✰ Him “serenading you” with a bad rendition of your favorite song

✰Cuddling all of the time

✰Long hugs

✰Him spinning you around

✰Being on his insta/snap story nearly daily

✰Showing you off to literally anyone he meets.

✰Wearing his shirts

✰And him occasionally stealing yours

✰Him treating you like an absolute queen 

✰ or the way Ned from try guys treats his wife same thing

Pant-sing the Bartender

So this is the very first session of our campaign and we all meet in a tavern, we just learned that a murder occurred in town and the rest of the party is asking the bartender about that. While the bartender is distracted I attempt the following.

Me: (OOC) “Can I reach over the counter to try and try and steal some gold?”

DM: “Sure, roll slight of hand.”

*Nat 20 plus*

DM: “Jesus with that roll you could take his pants too!”

Me: “Naw I’ll just pants him and take the gold.”

The party at this point is going nuts at this, and now another party member follows in my footsteps and tries stealing more gold.

Me: “I attempt to distract the bar to help my friend steal more gold.”

DM: “K. Roll deception.”

*Nat 20*

At this point I distract the whole bar and we successfully rob the bar as well. Now at this point we’re all going nuts, so I decide to hop the bar and pants the other bartender.

*The whole party is loosing it.*

I get the guards called on me and I bolt. Only later to return to the bar by the backdoor and I dead sprint into the bar and finally pants the last bartender and getting punched in the face. I leave the bar again with party in tow having robbed the bar of ale and gold, and also having pantsed all the bartenders.

AU where the losers club go to the Derry Fair
  • ben and bev would share cotton candy and blush when they brush hands on “accident”
  • richie would spend all his allowance trying to win a stuffed bear (blushing and claiming it would be for himself but we all know it would be for his eddie spagheti) failing miserably
  • stan would win the bear that happens to be wearing a yellow raincoat on the first try, giving it to bill much to richie’s dismay
  • richie would force eddie onto all the rides, knowing eddie hates them, but eddie goes anyway for an excuse to hold onto richie when he’s scared
  • mike would make the 7 of them stay in the petting zoo section for two hours to make sure he got to pet and feed every. animal.
  • eddie buys ice cream - for him and richie only
  • richie steals a red balloon for eddie to make up for the bear, but eddie yells at him for stealing but accepts it anyway trying to hide his red cheeks
  • stan tries to capture every moment with the Polaroid camera he got for his birthday
  • mike wins each of the losers a gold fish which they all name after each other
  • bev would get her face painted to look like a butterfly and makes eddie do it to look like a tiger 
The losers getting high

Richie: 
Richie would totally be the one who came up with the idea and it would definitely not be the first time he got high. He would be even more clingy than normally and would constantly play with Eddie’s hair. He would not talk as much though, because he would be so calm and sweet. He would lie on the ground somewhere just giggling to himself trying to get Eddie to lie down with him.

Eddie: 
Eddie would only go with this idea because of his boyfriend’s puppyeyes. He would have the most fun though, getting all hyper and full of energy. He would want to make out with Richie, a lot. He would also do some stupid shit. Like him and Stan would try to steal a signpost or some shit. 

Stan:
You wouldn’t feel it on Stan as much, because he wouldn’t really change. He would just have zero ability to sense right from wrong. So him and Eddie would try to steal shit. He would get super hungry though and him and Bill would go to mcdonalds and buy way too much food. 

Bill:
Bill would be a giggling mess. He would be sitting somewhere with Richie laughing so hard at a rock or something. Stan would adore it. Seeing Bill all happy and giddy? Yes please. He would be more touchy feely and Stan would let him because had no sense of reality. 

Bev:
Man Bev would be all over the place. She would talk to everyone who passed them and she would end up making a deal with some elderly couple to go eat at their house the following day. Of course she would follow up on it and have a nice time. She definitely dances a lot too when she’s high. She just lets loose, a wide grin on her face. 

Ben: 
Ben would be the most hesitant. But when he finally gave in he would be so into it. Ben would turn in to a straight up poet. I mean, the words he would spit out and write down. He would end up trying to hide all the poems the next day but we all know Beverly finds them and she loves them. Ben would be really calm and such a sweetheart. 

Mike: 
Mike would have gotten high before too. You wouldn’t really feel it on him exept he would be so overprotective of all of them. “No Richie, get out of that grass, think about the ants”, “Eddie, Stan get down from that lamppost you could get hurt, jesus christ”, “Bev you don’t know these people please be careful I love you”, “Bill. How much did you smoke buddy?”, “Ben. Think before you speak pls”, like he would be such a mom. 

Golden Hour

Originally posted by tomshollandss

Tom let out a sigh of relief as he rounded the corner into the quieter section of the airport, away from the demanding paparazzi. There were fewer people here, all lost in their own worlds, wanting to get to their planes. He wasn’t famous to them, just another passer byer.

In front of him you talked to Harrison and Harry, unphased by the previous events that occurred not even five minutes ago. The screaming, the grabbing, the shoving. All calling for Tom, all needing to be seen, but he was only one man. Tom Holland loved his job, it was everything he ever dreamed of, but he was only human and the world refused to believe that.

When you noticed Tom had fallen behind you excused yourself from the conversation and slowed your pace until you and Tom were in the same rhythm side by side. You gently smiled at him earning a fake one in return.

You hated seeing him this way, but it had become a norm. He was an amazing actor, using his skill more off screen than on. Constantly putting on a show for everyone around him, smiling, laughing, taking everything thrown at him. He couldn’t falter, not even for a second, or the media would eat him alive. So the second he was behind closed doors he would come crumbling down and let the exhaustion take over. So it wasn’t uncommon that he would spend the day moping around in bed or be a little grumpier then was called for. He would apologize like crazy afterwards, wanting to be the perfect boyfriend for you but you would just curl up next to him and tell him that everything was okay. And every time it would throw him off guard expecting you to be mad but you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to be his girlfriend, you didn’t sign up from the perfect person the world made him be, you signed up for all the little imperfections that made him Tommy.

“Wow,” You grabbed his hand, catching his attention. “Look at that view.”

Behind the glass wall the sun kissed the horizon in an explosion of warm yellows and reds, turning the sky into a work of art. A plane could be seen in the distance, heat radiating into the atmosphere, rippling the sky around it like a pebble into a pond.

You didn’t travel nearly as much as Tom or Harrison, this was only your third time tagging along on one of his press tour locations, so you were sure he had seen this view hundreds of times but you wondered if he had ever really taken a second to just enjoy it.

“You know, they call this the golden hour in photography.” You glanced over at Tom whose tired eyes were soaking in the view. “It makes, like, the perfect photograph or something.”

“I can see why they’d call it that.” His voice was soft and low, worn out from all the use from earlier in the day.

“I can’t wait to see it again tomorrow.” You smiled. “And the day after that, aaaand the day after that. With you, in airports and hotels or wherever this crazy adventure takes us.” You swung your connected hands, trying to bring some energy back into the peaceful moment.  “So come on, Holland, lets get to our plane.”

You tugged at his hand, pulling him along. He kept stealing glances at the view, wanting to just stop time and enjoy this moment with you. Because if he was being honest with himself this was the first time he felt like he could breathe since he stared filming Spider-Man, all because you said ‘us’. He wasn’t on this adventure alone, you were right by his side, even when he was at his worst. Even when he rose his voice at the stupidest of things, or didn’t have any energy to go out on a date, or when he didn’t want anything to do with anyone, you were still there. Even if you were in different countries your face would pop up on his phone when he needed you the most. You were his golden hour, you were perfect.

“Will you marry me?” He tugged back on your hand, making you stop midsentence, talking about whatever book you were reading this week.

“What?” You asked, not hearing his quiet voice over your loud one. “Tom we can talk and walk, we gotta go, the plane is going to be taking off soon.” You tried to tug on his hand to make him move again but he stood his ground.

“Will you marry me?” He asked again. You furrowed your brows, confused. Without a second though he dropped down to one knee, holding your hand in his and that when everything started piecing together.

“I don’t have a ring, and I know this really isn’t the right place to be asking but fuck, (Y/N), I love you. And I really need you to say yes. Because the second we get off that plane I want to run to the closest church, or city hall or anywhere that will make you my wife. I can’t take another second of not knowing you are mine forever.” You watched him ramble on, tears prickling at your eyes.

In front of you, Harrison looked back to see what was taking you both so long to catch up. He slapped Harry’s arm, getting his attention.

“Yes.” Happiness spilling out of you in a form of a laugh. “Yes, I will marry you.” You were bouncing on the balls of your feet now, unable to control yourself. Tom stood up, a grin plastered across his face.

“Yeah?” He questioned, making sure one last time he heard you right.

“Yes.” You kissed him, wrapping your arms around his neck. You leaned into you, deepening the kiss before lifting you into the air and spinning around.  As he put you down, Harrison and Harry ran up behind you, wrapping you both into a hug before laughing and congratulating you.

And as promised, the second you got off the plane you had found the closest city hall.

Prompt List of Sarcasm
  1. “Well, what can I say? I’m a badass.” 
  2. “Define normal.” 
  3. “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?” 
  4. “Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.” 
  5. “Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.” 
  6. “It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.” 
  7. “I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.” 
  8. “And you wonder why you’re still single.” 
  9. “Remind me to kill you. Please.” 
  10. “I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.” 
  11. “That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?” 
  12. “Were you dropped on your head?” 
  13. “She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.” 
  14. “She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.” 
  15. “If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.” 
  16. “Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” 
  17. “If I survive, can I go home?” 
  18. “My middle finger salutes you.” 
  19. “This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you.” 
  20. “I don’t think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let’s be honest. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.” 
  21. “I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.” 
  22. “Insanity run in my family. It practically gallops.” 
  23. “Oh darling. Go buy a brain.” 
  24. “Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.” 
  25. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” 
  26. “All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.” 
  27. “I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 
  28. “Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.” 
  29. “What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?” 
  30. “I heard that!” “You were supposed to!” 
  31. “I need therapy after this.” 
  32. “You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.” 
  33. “I’m not weird. I am limited edition.” 
  34. “I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.” 
  35. “I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.” 
  36. “If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur.” 
  37. “You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?” 
  38. “I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.” 
  39. “I’d explain it to you, but you’re brain would explode.” 
  40. “Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.” 
  41. “I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.” 
  42. “Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!” 
  43. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.” 
  44. “You’re good. A monster pain in the ass… but you’re good.” 
  45. “Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!” 
  46. “The female of the species is more deadly than the male.” 
  47. “Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.” 
  48. “She’s hot, but she’s evil.” 
  49. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” 
  50. “I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.” 
  51. “Go on, knock his teeth down his throat.” 
  52. “You’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers and people who talk at the theater.” 
  53. “What’s the point in screaming? No one’s listening anyway.” 
  54. “I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.” 
  55. “So stick that in your juice box and suck it.” 
  56. “Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.” 
  57. “This place hold a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some… No. No, no, all bad.” 
  58. “A little gasoline… blowtorch… no problem.” 
  59. “Good, bad, I’m the one with the gun.” 
  60. “I know you can’t kill anybody, ‘cause I can’t kill anybody.” 
  61. “You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.” 
  62. “What you call insanity, I call inspiration.” 
  63. “Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.” 
  64. “Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.” 
  65. “Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.” 
  66. “I like you. You’re different.” 
  67. “You successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.” 
  68. “Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.” 
  69. “You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.” 
  70. “Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.” 
  71. “I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.” 
  72. “Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.” 
  73. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.” 
  74. “I care so little, I almost passed out.” 
  75. “Well behaved woman rarely make history.” 
  76. “You’re so weird.” “You have no idea.” 
  77. “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” 
  78. “You haven’t even seen my bad side yet.” 
  79. “Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.” 
  80. “How’s life treating you?” “Like I ran over it’s dog.” 
  81. “Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.” 
  82. “Oh God, we’re not gonna have to hug or anything, are we.” 
  83. “I’m so glad you could come.” “Cut the crap. Give me a drink.” 
  84. “You make no sense to me.” “Welcome to my life.” 
  85. “Have fun being deal.” “I will.” 
  86. “Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.” 
  87. “It’s called thinking. Go with it.” 
  88. “I made a new friend today.” “Real or imaginary?” “Imaginary.” 
  89. “Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.” 
  90. “I’m getting real bored and impatient. I don’t do bored and impatient.” 
  91. “The girl is strange no question.” 
  92. “Do us a favor… I know it’s difficult for you… but please, stay here, and try no to do anything… stupid.” 
  93. “I know most people don’t like me; I don’t care, I don’t like most people.” 
  94. “You are a very strange person.” “Well, thanks for noticing.” 
  95. “I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but… no.”
  96. “I didn’t steal it. I permanently borrowed it.” 
  97. “I’m not shy. I’m just examining my prey.” 
  98. “If you pull out my earphones, I will pull out your lungs.”
  99. “I don’t dislike you, I nothing you.” 
  100. “Are you crying? No, I’m impersonating a fountain.” 
  101. “Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. That’s cute.” 
  102. “You’re kinda anti-social, you know that?” 
  103. “I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.” 
  104. “My advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.” 
  105. “I’m just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.” 
  106. “My ex? Yeah, I’d still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or baseball bat.” 
  107. “She’s complicated like the DaVinci code, you know but harder to crack.” 
  108. “And just like everything else we do around here, it’s about to get weirder.” 
  109. “Such big evil in such a little thing.” 
  110. “Why do I still like you, knowing you’re a total asshole?” 
  111. “What does not kill you will likely try again.” 
  112. “Oh honey, I would but… I don’t want to.” 
  113. “And hello to you too… little homewrecker.” 
  114. “I’m gonna make you wish you were dead.” 
  115. “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.” 
  116. “What doesn’t kill me might make me kill you.”
  117. “In another life, I think I was in a mental institution.” 
  118. “I’m not crazy. I’m just interesting.” 
  119. “Don’t make me pop your ten grand sand bags honey.” 
  120. “This is fun.” “Seriously, we’re trying to hide a body.” 

Request [x] Masterlist [x]

A small collection of high school aus! There’s so many wonderful ones out there that has yet to be read!

And Then There Is No Mystery Left (Baby, I’m Sweet On You) -  Swing Set in December - 1k - Teen

Stiles has no idea why Derek is sitting at his lunch table.

As Good As The Real Thing - literaryoblivion - 5k - Mature

He’s maybe had a crush on Stiles for going on two years now, but there’s no way he’s ever going to act on it or say anything. But, he’s memorized all of Stiles’s quirks and habits because he and Stiles have been in the same history class for two years now, and he always ends up sitting by him. However, he and Stiles have had limited interaction with one another, which is fine. Derek can subside on his daydreams of Stiles. He can live the rest of his high school career on his fantasies alone.

That is until their teacher assigns them to be partners for a project.

Awful, Wonderful You -  stilinskisparkles - 16k - Mature

Truth be told, Derek was suffering from the mild delusion he lived in all summer wherein he actually thought this year might be different, and he might, perhaps, be able to bury the hatchet with Stiles and start over.

The superglue that’s destroyed a ninety dollar pair of pants, however, says otherwise. Derek knows how this play goes down; eventually, he’s going to have to climb out of the pants and trudge back to his dorm half naked. Stiles will gloat for a damn week; Derek will have to put up with constant remarks about Stiles getting him out of his pants… Dammit, he’s actually going to get Derek out of his pants, and it’s not even close to the way he pictured it happening.

Betting On Forever -  mrstotten, veritas_st - 17k - Mature

It’s not like Stiles spends a huge amount of time thinking about it. But when he does it seems strange, good strange, but strange nevertheless, he cant really put a finger on when they decided to become civil to each other let alone friends, best friends even.

Him…and Derek Hale. Can you imagine it?

Binomial Coefficients - DevilDoll - 20k - Teen

In which brainy freshman Stiles Stilinski wants star quarterback Derek Hale to join the math team, AKA math nerds in love.

Keep reading

Voltron Headcanons

Though Shiro is able to censor himself, the only one who can actually make him swear is Matt. The guy is insufferable and can literally make the calmest person fly off the handle.

Hunk is the only one that knows that Lance is bi. Hunk watched him hit on a guy and get rejected and humiliated in middle school, and was sworn to secrecy once they entered the Garrison because Lance didn’t want anyone making fun of him.

Hunk is also the only one that knows that Lance has a bit of a crush on Keith. He figured it out on his own, because Lance still denies having feelings for him.

Lance knows that Keith is autistic, but doesn’t saying anything. Lance himself has ADHD and shares a few stims with Keith, like going on walks in the middle of the night. Sometimes they pass each other. Neither of them mention it.

Lance once asked what gender Pidge was attracted to, and she replied with the cryptic answer of “I don’t know, but definitely not lizards”. To this day, he still doesn’t know and Pidge won’t tell him.

When Keith revealed that he was part Galra, Allura was the most surprised, but Lance was the least. He had suspicions that Keith was hiding something, but he only put two and two together once Keith and Allura decided to run away because they thought Zarkon was after them - why else would Keith believe that the Galra had tabs on him?

Coran acts oblivious to the interactions the paladins have with one another, but he’s actually scarily good at reading and interpreting emotions.

Allura sees the paladins as a family unit, and her close relationship with the original paladins transferred to the newer ones. This is why she finds Lance’s flirting to be awkward - she sees the blue paladin figure as a caring brother.

Pidge has stated that her brother is incredibly smart, and Shiro can attest to that, but he sometimes does incredibly stupid things. The stupidest thing she can recall is that he once drank so much that she was able to convince him that he had six fingers on each hand.

Matt is actually very laid back, and is sometimes very manipulative. He used this skill to convince younger students at the Garrison to cough up their lunch money, and the older ones to do his homework for him - not that he couldn’t do his homework, just that he didn’t want to. 

For fun, Matt would see how far he could push someone, often getting his peers to participate in stupid things, like hacking into the training simulator. This is how he met Shiro, who somehow fell for Matt’s ploy and ended up in detention with him the next day. Shiro was often his victim, but ended up becoming Matt’s impulse control.

Though Pidge seems relatively calm, she’s very stressed when at her computer. The only one who can tell is Shiro, who’s spent enough time with Matt to recognize it. He’s usually the one to deter Pidge from the screen when she’s had enough.

Matt and Pidge both have the habit of staying up late on their laptops, which is responsible for their poor eyesight, though Pidge’s is a combination of the laptop and becoming accustomed to wearing an extra pair of Matt’s glasses, her eyes adjusting to the prescription over time.

Shiro thought that Pidge was Matt upon initially seeing her after being rescued, but realized that it was Katie the moment she opened her mouth - Matt was loud and cocky, where she was quiet and insightful.

Both Shiro and Keith have a habit of stealing pens, but for completely different reasons. Shiro takes a pen, uses it, and then leaves it in the most random spot, whereas Keith puts them back where they were before, leaving Shiro to wonder where he left his pen.

Hunk is a complete neat freak and no one is allowed near the kitchen at all because once Coran put a knife in the wrong drawer and Hunk lost his mind trying to find it. He also tries to keep pens away from Keith and Shiro as much as possible.

Keith legit knows how to throw knives at people and once threw one Lance’s way to shut him up during training. It grazed his ear and Lance almost peed himself, and Keith had never felt more sorry in his life. Needless to say that everyone (even Keith) agreed that Keith is no longer allowed to use knives on the training deck when there’s someone else with him.

Allura is very good at keeping secrets. Unknown to the others, the mice tell her everything. 

Everyone is waiting for Keith to wake up one day and be purple.

Pidge is the ultimate matchmaker without meaning to. Every pair that she glances at and thinks “are those two dating?” will end up together within a short while. This excludes Keith and Lance, who she predicted would be dating about a few weeks after she met Keith, and so far no such luck.

Keith made the bomb that he set off at the Garrison himself. He got the ingredients at a local store that sold construction materials. The owner gave him a few weird looks, but didn’t say anything.

Keith is actually really intelligent, but he lacks social skills. When Lance asked him to help out with the Voltron cheer, Keith knew that Lance wanted him to say “-tron” but couldn’t grasp why, so he just blurted out “Voltron” to try to give Lance the clue that he wasn’t making any sense, and that Lance should try to either explain or change what he was saying so that Keith could understand. It makes him angry that Lance couldn’t make out what he was trying to say, and blames this on a mix of him not being able to understand, as well as Lance being stubborn.

Lance had become Keith’s unofficial translator for social cues. The two have come to an understanding in which all Keith has to do is look at Lance a certain way and he will explain for him.

Having to be precise in engineering and technical work, both Pidge and Hunk are very artistic. Both of them have notebooks containing drawings of the planets they’ve visited, aliens they’ve met, and concept art of the other paladins. Most of these concepts stemmed from the idea of “what would Keith look like if he were fully Galra?”, or alternatively, “what would the others look like if they were aliens?”

Lance understands just as much as Pidge and Hunk when it comes to machinery, but he creates his own terms and concepts so that he can grasp it easier, which is why he can’t understand what they’re saying when they “techno-babble”. It took him a while to figure out that Keith is much like him in this way, but instead of techno-babble, Keith gets confused with what Lance would consider ordinary conversation.

Pidge swears a lot but Keith is the only one who’s witnessed it and no one believes him. On the other hand, Keith’s language is actually pretty tame.

Lance commonly uses innuendo and Keith understands them all and it makes him uncomfortable. What he doesn’t know is that it’s Lance’s way of flirting with him.

Pidge constantly messes with Lance by pulling the genius card and getting him to believe the stupidest things. Lance knows that none of the things Pidge tells him are true, but he likes seeing the others get a laugh out of it.

If anyone tried to hurt Pidge, they wouldn’t have any time to run because the other paladins would’ve killed them a good ten times over.

Hunk is pan, Pidge is ace, Lance is bi, Keith is gay, Allura and Coran are straight, and Shiro is…… *x-files theme plays*

The humans of the Castle of Lions all have inside jokes. Shiro is Space Dad, Galra Keith is funnier than normal Keith, Lance acts surprised whenever someone refers to the fact that Pidge is a girl, “we do not mention the knife incident”, Lance referring to them as the Power Rangers - stupid little things.

Hunk knows many languages and Lance knows Spanish. They both have conversations in Spanish when they want to talk in private, but also have a game where they switch to Spanish just as Keith walks in the room and have a normal conversation while glaring at him - “how was your day?” *glare* “fine, yours?” *angry grumbling* - and it confuses Keith.

The paladins got in the habit of throwing things at each other when asked to pass them. They’ve gotten so good at it that they barely need to look where they’re throwing.

Keith is hyper when he’s sleep deprived and it creeps the shit out of everyone mainly because he’s a lot nicer, especially to Lance.

Keith and Lance sometimes end up switching jackets. The first time they did it on a dare, but they got used to just picking up whoever’s jacket was closest to them at the time and returning it later. Hunk thinks it’s adorable.

When Keith and Lance start arguing, you can bet Pidge is in the background going “just kiss already.” Hunk busted a lung laughing when he heard, Shiro was confused, and Keith and Lance forgot about their argument to instead protest on why they definitely weren’t going to kiss (to both their dismay).

Keith honestly didn’t remember Lance from the Garrison, but developed a crush on him after becoming paladins. He couldn’t understand why Lance hated him so much. In reality, Lance had a crush on Keith since seeing him the first time at the Garrison, and chalked up his feelings to jealousy of Keith’s skill, which developed into their one-sided rivalry.

Blue is always talking to Lance about how he should really go talk to Keith, dropping hints that they should get together. Red is more subtle and prefers to pest Keith with comments like “just fuck already.”

Shiro rants in Japanese when he’s frustrated, usually putting his hands to his face and mumbling to himself until he either calms down or everyone else goes away. This rarely happened, but back at the Garrison, Matt used to put a hand on his shoulder or rub his back until he stopped.

Matt had special goggles made during his time with the rebels to replace his glasses. 

Matt is openly gay and makes jokes and puns about it at every possible chance he gets.

Matt used to believe that Shiro died in the arena after stabbing him in the leg to take his place, but after hearing that the Champion became a pilot of Voltron, he sat down and laughed, crying tears of joy.

Other than Keith, only Matt knows that Shiro’s real name is actually Takashi, coining his nickname “Taka” back when they were in school.