not tactical

Fairy penmanship

Imagine a fairy or pixie that is a calligraphist when in combat it uses its favourite pen as a polearm. They are on occasion seen writing in blood rather than ink when they can’t get any.

Spell scrolls written by this fairy/pixie deal an additional 1dn of damage n being the side count.

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Our group had ended up in a frozen cavern after getting kidnapped by pirates, and losing one of our rogues, so the DM turned his A.C. on blast to freeze us in real life.

Half-Orc: This is ridiculous and I hate this. I’m so cold I bet I could break down a wall with my nipples

DM: You gonna roll for that?

Half- Orc: Yeah, I fucking am. *Nat20*

DM, now disappointed in himself for asking: You break through the wall and kill the two guards with your frozen nipples.

Intimidation is Key

[Context: My party (half-elf barbarian, half-elf rogue, and copper dragonborn druid) enters a huge dwarves city where every one is plastered drunk and cannot stop partying. We’re trying to investigate and stop it.]

DM: You see an enormous barrel keg that’s about five stories high and as big as this room.

Barbarian: I WANNA INTIMIDATE THE KEG. LET ME INTIMIDATE THE KEG. (Rolls 17+5 for intimidation).

DM: Okaaaaaay…. Uh, well you just kinda go up to the keg and start yelling at it? Everyone is super drunk so they’re confused why you’re yelling at it. A small group joins you in yelling at the keg.

B: Fuck yeah!

Later, after exploring the brewery…

DM: You can see the court yard and there you see the dwarves have escalated from yelling to debating the keg.

[Insert party losing their shit here.]

Even later on

DM: Outside you see the dwarves are now fist fighting the keg. They’ve broken parts of it which is leaking beer. Some of their knuckles are bleeding. You hear one shout, “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ABOUT MY MOTHER THAT WAY!!”

B: I’m the best chaotic neutral.

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Guys are too into Loki and he keeps using it…

Me(DM): so you’ve been sucked into the giant gelatinous cube and you’re stuck.
Bard: Can I still move?
DM: I mean I guess so, but you can’t walk out.
Bard: (thinking) Can I ask it nicely to let me go?
DM: I mean it can’t hear you? You’re inside it and sound doesn’t travel through the gel?
Bard: No I mean like on a nice note?
DM: Uh… I mean you can try?
Bard: okay I write “Please let me out”
DM: Roll persuasion
Bard: Nat 20
DM: sigh… The cube is moved by your words and releases you.

Our pathfinder campaign has a goblin fire-bomb alchemist named Crashnark (Crash, for short) in it, who has a high fire resistance. So the party gets confronted by a gang of bandits.

Crash: (OOC) I use my free action to take a bottle of liquid fire and splash it on myself.

DM: Okay, but Crash isn’t wearing his fire-resistant clothing. All his clothes turn to ashes in seconds.

Crash: (IC) *Runs butt-naked and completely on fire at the bandits* CRASH’S BODY IS READYYYYYYYY!