not tactical

When the Gnome Panics

The party (an Elf rouge, Gnome wizard, and Human paladin) enter into the sacred garden-temple of a powerful religious order.

Elf: do I see any flowers?

DM: Yes. The gilded pathway is surrounded by flowers and trees in every color and shade from around the world.

Elf: I find the prettiest and pick it.

DM: A temple priestess sees you do this with great consternation. She calls out, “What are you doing there? Do not pick the flowers!” and approaches angrily. What do you do?

*the group panics and argues*

Gnome: I cast minor illusion and make bugs pour out of my mouth.

DM: The priestess screams.

Human: “I cant go back to jail!”

Elf: I run into the trees and use mask of the wilds!

Gnome: I cast invisibility on myself.

The Human paladin is left behind and arrested for public disturbance.

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Résumé

It’s my first session as a DM and I’m using the tavern trope. The party’s warlock, also a new player, approaches the dwarf running the bar.

Warlock: “Hey, I hear you have work for those looking for it”.

I, as a DM, and subsequently the Dwarf totally misunderstand.

Dwarf: Yeah, we’re holding open interviews for a bartender position tonight.

Warlock: Here, look over my résumé.

The player hands me his character sheet.

Dwarf: …Yeah, this is very interesting. You seem to have assigned numerical values to all of your skills. A 12 in strength?

Warlock: I forgot to put it on there but I also have a 13 in soft skills.

Dwarf: Can I ask what unit of measurement these numbers are in?

Warlock: Celsius.

tbh any time someone is like “you being vulnerable in x way is Dangerous To Me Because I Might Take Advantage and Get In Trouble For It” or “if you act this way i’ll do x abusive thing, i can’t help myself” etc etc – just know that’s literally already abusive

nonabusers do not make it other people’s job to keep them from abusing

be aware that that is 100% a threat, and threatening to abuse you IS abuse, please try to learn to recognize that kind of sneaky dodge

abusers WILL try to make their choice to abuse about how you forced them into it, and they tend to lay the groundwork for that justification as early as possible

Goddess Aqua

Our cleric bard wanted to heal us with one of his songs

Bard: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: okay…what song do you want to play?

Bard: I know the perfect healing song

DM: you have to sing it for us

Bard:…. *proceeds to yell-sing “Barbie Girl”* 

DM: roll for how many healing point you are healing them for

Bard: *rolls a D12 and gets an 12*

DM:….And by the power of the goddess…. Aqua…. you are all healed for 12 HP